Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

@dontdisturbmenow I am a very happy step parent! I love my DSD very much she is brilliant, we get on really well, she has a wicked sense of humour, I wouldn’t be without her. I don’t have issues at all, with her, her mum or my husband.

But, even with such an “easy” situation, it’s been hard as someone with no children and no experience suddenly being a family, and having a relationship that isn’t just between two people. Like @user1493413286 I’d do it all over again for the pair of them. Because I love them and I love my life with them. But would I generally do it all again? No. Not for anyone else but them. That’s my honest opinion based on my experience, which compared to some on here was fairly easy.

But the question was If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?
And my answer is I would still choose my husband and DSD. But I wouldn’t choose to have a relationship with someone with children if it wasn’t him.

No I wouldn't and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone

Even if you do leave them to it and have no involvement which is what I do its still hard.

If you live together there will still be times they are at you're house and they take over, it's awful. You can't plan like a normal couple because days are taken up by them. Even moving house, pets etc will be dictated by them, same with Christmas and holidays

Yes.

The kids were young enough to accept me into their lives without any problems.

There were no issues with their mum who was happy for her DC to have a good relationship with their dad and had no issues with me being involved. I was very clear about boundaries, ie I was their stepmum and not their mum so had no right to make decisions in their life or take mum's place.

They loved my DD and it was mutual.

Of course it was not 100% plain sailing but then parenting your own children isn't either.

I would probably advise you differently though. It worked for me because I was happy being a parent and step parent and actively welcomed the children into my life. I'm now at a stage in my life where I don't want to do little kid things so would not date a man with children.

Nope!

No, I wouldn't do it again.

I would be very wary as someone who doesn't want children themselves of getting into a relationship where you are required to make all the sacrifices of having children without actually having them.

I went through a stage of thinking I'd never have children, not through choice though but fertility issues. And honestly those times i very nearly left because the thought of never having my own but also never being able to live a child free life was just depressing to me. It obviously is different if you don't have children through choice, but the outcome is the same, you'll never be able to have a completely childfree life because your partner is still a parent.

I love my partner but I am certainly with him in spite of the fact he has kids and being totally honest I wish that he didn't. But he does and I get on with it because I love him but I'd never do it again.

No way never.. Best day of my previous marriage was the end and knowing I never had it deal with his dc or their dm ever again.
When I met now dh I asked if he had dc. I would have walked away if he had.. I have my own dc but being a sm def wasn't for me.

If you do decide to have kids with him then you'll be taking on all of them if something happens to mum.

Find a childless man and spare yourself the grief.

It depends. For me I love my step family but it was two years of really tough situations before we got to this point and even now his ex partner still can turn very easily.

I wouldn't do this again unless I knew the dynamics and relationship my partner has with his ex. If it's a healthy non power struggle where the kids come first then I would consider it. If it was a messy, volatile, power struggle my current partner had I would definitely think twice.

I actually decided I didn't want a dc with exh as I didn't want a dc to be entangled in all the drama associated with his ex...
I remarried and we do have a dc..

Mmmm what a question...

It’s bloody hard work at times.

My fiancé is a weekend dad and it’s a pain in the arse. Because of this he acts more like a friend, doesn’t enforce rules and doesn’t dish out rows. I look like the monster lol.

I have my own son too and I just find when my step son comes it creates havoc in the house and it’s non stop .

Also step parenting does cause conflict and you both have different expectations and you are always attached to his child’s mother... who in our case was a pain in the arse!!!!

Good luck! 🙈😂

I don't regret doing it, but I wouldn't do it again with young/resident children.
You don't take on a role of being another parent, but your life is not truly yours anymore.
I think I would ask what his relationship is like with his ex? If that's good, this is more likely to work. If it's bad, I would run a mile.
My DH's ex is a nice, decent, intelligent woman and between the three (four once she remarried) we've had a peaceful and co-operative time. Still hard work at times..

I would be very wary as someone who doesn't want children themselves of getting into a relationship where you are required to make all the sacrifices of having children without actually having them.

I think this is very true. I often see people on here asking why step parents tend to go on to have to have children with their partners quite quickly into the relationship (usually focused on how evil such behaviour is when SC exist) and I truthfully feel it's because when you are with someone with kids your life is full of the restraints and sacrifices of having kids, so you end up feeling you might as well be doing that with your own child if you're going to be doing it anyway. Otherwise you're just experiencing all of the limitations and none of the reward.

If you don't have or want kids of your own then being with someone with kids is a level of sacrifice I would definitely avoid.

Hi,

I am a childless step mum to two boys with two high drama mothers.

I adore my husband.

I love the boys, though never thought I would be a parent.

I now would love to add another kid to the family but have health issues and likely wont.

I would do it again, but will not lie and say that it doesn't cause pain, stress, and added pressure on our relationship.

I spoke to my other half before i met the boys, and we set out some ground rules - it really helped.

I promised to never say in anger 'THEY AREN'T MY KIDS' and he has promised not to point this out.

We are a team, we parent together, he understands his interactions with his exes affects OUR life.

We have them every other weekend and it does enrich your life so much being a parent, and a step parent is a parent.

But it also comes with a whole host of issues your other half will not understand as they are not a step parent.

You will need to have a support system, sometimes friends can work, or here, but be aware that advice you receive from parents may hurt you without meaning to, step parenting is a different sport with different rules and different pains.

I would always be happy to talk to you 1:1 if you had any specific questions as this is something I've gone through over the last few years.

I would and our ride hasn't been an easy one.

My husband was a full time dad. My stepson was 14 months.

It hasn't been easy. Court proceedings due to his mother. Accusations from his mother than had me investigated by social services. She hasn't seen him in 5 years now so that part is in the past.

But my DSD is autistic and has been violent to me and his brother (my biological son) quite seriously on many occasions as well as the day to day challenging behaviour.

BUT I love him with all my heart, no different to my biological child. He was the child who made me a mum. He is an amazing 9 year old who shows so much love and affection.

I love his dad and they came as a package. I knew from day 1 that he would always come 1st. Lots of our early 'dates' were to parks, ballpits, museums ect. This is the reason we never lived together until we got married as we didn't want to move him about and confuse him. You need to know and accept you will ALWAYS be number 2, and that makes him a good man as his children should always come 1st.

I wouldn’t do it. I love my husband but being a stepmother is incredibly hard.

In particular, I didn’t anticipate quite how much a child’s behaviour can chip away at how you see their father and lead to you massively resenting him. Or how abjectly miserable ongoing bad behaviour in your own home, over which you have no control, can be.

You stupidly think: oh, I’ve got kids. I’ve worked with kids. I know what they can be like. But then you realise that it’s entirely different when it’s in your house and you can’t do anything about the behaviour, other than get annoyed at your partner. If you were working with the kids, you could set boundaries, routines and use appropriate interventions to manage their behaviour. Instead, you’re often at the mercy of divorced dad guilt (and often interference from an ex with an agenda) and there is no escape from it.

The lack of any ability to do anything about the conditions in which you live is incredibly stressful. Sure, parenting has its challenges but it has nothing on stepparenting alongside divorced dad guilt.

No.

You need to know and accept you will ALWAYS be number 2, and that makes him a good man as his children should always come 1st

I completely disagree with this. Kids needs should always come before the needs of the adults, but they definitely should not always come first.
I do not always put my kids before my partner and he doesn’t always put his kids first... sometimes we choose to put each other and our relationship first.
It’s a balancing act and a happy relationship makes for a happy, calm and more understanding home.

could basically just leave them and their dad to their own devices and wouldn’t need to be too involved, but I’m gathering that might not be the case.

It's the case for us, and it works well. I'm not hands on with his kids at all, he doesn't need me and neither do

*You need to know and accept you will ALWAYS be number 2, and that makes him a good man as his children should always come 1st
*
No, you really don't. My DP holds his relationship with me and that with his kids in equal regard. It's not a competition and never has been.

Neither do they, that should have said!

he doesn't need me and neither do

Sorry - another typo in my post! I meant - he doesn't need me to get involved with parenting his kids and neither do the kids. I'm surplus to requirements when I comes to parenting his kids. And that's how I like it.

It’s a balancing act and a happy relationship makes for a happy, calm and more understanding home.

Completely agree. People who continually make it clear that their partner is bottom of the pile end up single. Life is about balance.

Knowing what I know now, and what I have been through, no, I would never do it again.

However. No two situations are the same. In my case his ex was and still remains a horrible human being who has tried to take over my life. If she had been different I may feel differently.

Having said that it would be nice to not have the extra stress and responsibility that comes with step children.

@00deed1988

I would and our ride hasn't been an easy one.

My husband was a full time dad. My stepson was 14 months.

It hasn't been easy. Court proceedings due to his mother. Accusations from his mother than had me investigated by social services. She hasn't seen him in 5 years now so that part is in the past.

But my DSD is autistic and has been violent to me and his brother (my biological son) quite seriously on many occasions as well as the day to day challenging behaviour.

BUT I love him with all my heart, no different to my biological child. He was the child who made me a mum. He is an amazing 9 year old who shows so much love and affection.

I love his dad and they came as a package. I knew from day 1 that he would always come 1st. Lots of our early 'dates' were to parks, ballpits, museums ect. This is the reason we never lived together until we got married as we didn't want to move him about and confuse him. You need to know and accept you will ALWAYS be number 2, and that makes him a good man as his children should always come 1st.

Please don't accept coming 2nd. This is the number one reason why things go wrong.

Absolutely no way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Did I say no?