Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

This is hideous. I couldn't bear living like this

Exactly.

“But you knew what you were getting into.” !!!

@RUOKHon

This is hideous. I couldn't bear living like this

Exactly.

“But you knew what you were getting into.” !!!

Yes, of course I did. Silly me 🙄🙄😂

[quote sassbott]@cosmicbabe I would rather remain single than try and navigate another relationship with a EOW parent. Unless he was completely happy to keep that aspect of his life separate. But they don’t. Ultimately they want someone around to help. That’s a huge factor.

Honestly I swear my exes EXW has given me PTSD. I think about her and my anxiety shoots through the roof. Dealing with these toxic exes is horrific for mental/ emotional well-being. Never again.[/quote]
This is so true. I ask my DH not to discuss most of his communications with my DSS’ Mum. She is very unbalanced and flies off the handle without any warning and does so regularly. I’d rather not know. It’s rarely anything of substance that I need to know about it which affects me.

If I had my time again. Hell no
Being a step parent is hard and unrewarding.
My SS is a teen so it's really hard because DH thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I don't get involved because we have very different parenting styles. It's let's stressful to let him crack on than offer an option because it's a waste of breath.

No.

@user1493413286
‘I didn’t appreciate how much of an impact her mums decisions would have on my life and now my DCs lives’
This is spot on. You are forever linked to DSC’s mother like it or not. And if she is highly toxic - it grinds you down at best, as others have said it has affected their mental health - I’m pretty sure it has mine, and my experience is nowhere near as extreme as others on this board.
If she has different values/rules, her kids will find it difficult to adjust to yours. It’s all very well thinking you can set the rules in your own house, but your DP won’t always want to be the bad guy - and will inevitably make concessions to them, and that then has a knock on effect for the rules you want to set your own children if you have them or if not, for your own home.
For those that have their own DC from a previous relationship and who find that the time that their own DC are with them overlaps with the time the DSCs are with them, you can find that the dynamic with your own DC changes - I have. One DSC is very dominant and relies on my DCs heavily - so it can be hard for me to get time just to ‘be’ with my own DC. And there is hardly any time that they are here without the DSC. This feels like another loss on top of the loss of my previous separation. I know this also puts pressure on my DC and they crave time with me. But separating off to do that is seen as undermining the blended project. It is very hard. You do not know how dynamics will develop until you have lived together a while, and then might find yourself feeling very boxed in. And you know that leaving causes further disruption and distress for children who’ve already been through a breakup.
I love my DP very much, but I can honestly say if I knew what I know now 4 years in - and how I would feel now, I would not do it again. And if I were to find myself single in the future I would never ever start a relationship with someone else who had kids.

Also - importantly - as other posters have said, the toxicity of DP’s ex may not be immediately apparent. Or it may not seem too bad.
In my case there is no overt conflict, threats of court or active manipulation of the DSC against me. Some others have had a terrible time with this, and I’m lucky not to have experienced that level of toxicity. However even more low level unpleasantness and interference can be destructive. In my case, it is subtle, persistent undermining and determination not to be forgotten with all social and family contacts, no respect at all for my relationship with DP, our space in the world or the kind of home we’re trying to establish, which leaves us very little space to operate outside our home without her influence or involvement somewhere. It’s suffocating. And there is an agressive persistence in wanting us to move beyond basic civility towards her to actively welcoming her (she says for the good of the children but in fact to satisfy her own needs) in spite of some highly unpleasant behaviour in the past that has had a negative knock on effect on my DC and I’m not going to get over. Plus a very big difference in parenting style and promotion of quite different values.
Over the long haul it is exhausting, a huge unnecessary distraction and it can be so destructive to you, your DC (if you have them) and your relationship with your DP. So I would say that if there is even the merest whiff of behaviour that you find unacceptable with the ex to run for the hills.

[quote parentontheedge]@user1493413286
‘I didn’t appreciate how much of an impact her mums decisions would have on my life and now my DCs lives’
This is spot on. You are forever linked to DSC’s mother like it or not. And if she is highly toxic - it grinds you down at best, as others have said it has affected their mental health - I’m pretty sure it has mine, and my experience is nowhere near as extreme as others on this board.
If she has different values/rules, her kids will find it difficult to adjust to yours. It’s all very well thinking you can set the rules in your own house, but your DP won’t always want to be the bad guy - and will inevitably make concessions to them, and that then has a knock on effect for the rules you want to set your own children if you have them or if not, for your own home.
For those that have their own DC from a previous relationship and who find that the time that their own DC are with them overlaps with the time the DSCs are with them, you can find that the dynamic with your own DC changes - I have. One DSC is very dominant and relies on my DCs heavily - so it can be hard for me to get time just to ‘be’ with my own DC. And there is hardly any time that they are here without the DSC. This feels like another loss on top of the loss of my previous separation. I know this also puts pressure on my DC and they crave time with me. But separating off to do that is seen as undermining the blended project. It is very hard. You do not know how dynamics will develop until you have lived together a while, and then might find yourself feeling very boxed in. And you know that leaving causes further disruption and distress for children who’ve already been through a breakup.
I love my DP very much, but I can honestly say if I knew what I know now 4 years in - and how I would feel now, I would not do it again. And if I were to find myself single in the future I would never ever start a relationship with someone else who had kids.[/quote]
Yes!!!

This is me. I feel that my ss comes at the weekend and I stick to my guns and try and implement the same rules. My oh didn’t always agree because he pretty much was the weekend dad and wanted it to just be about fun but I have my own son who has rules and it’s important they are both treated the same.

It’s hard work! My oh ex too didn’t help and due to her attitude towards our relationship, ss doesn’t want to stay overnight as I think he feels that allegiance to mum!

On top of that when the boys are together it’s a mad house lol and sometimes I just want normality!

Not in a million years.

I was 24 when I got with my ex with 2 young kids.

I loved the kids but hated the whole dynamics. People say you know what your getting into but you really dont.

*You have the mother who is always in the background pulling strings
*you fall into a parental role when your there and once you and your DP get serious and comfortable you'll end up doing their tea, cleaning up pick ups etc you say you wont but you will when your serious with him but you have no say in anything they do
*Disney dad which is what Non resident dads do a lot is let their darlings get away with murder because they feel guilty they dont see them all the time
*if you ever think about having your own children, normal things like bedrooms and money for christmas presents are a head ache

The list goes on....I got rid of him and found someone without kids. Best thing I ever did

Hi. No I wouldn’t especially if he had them the majority of the time. I live with a man who I love and he has two girls who are with us more than their mum. I feel I have no right to have an opinion on how they are brought up and what goes on under my roof I have to just put up with. I could cope better if my partner had the same views on bringing up kids as me. I don’t have any of my own. I like his older daughter but the younger one causes so many arguments between us. Being involved with someone else’s kids is super tough

I love my partner and can't imagine being with anyone else but I would definitely not have chosen to be a step parent in an ideal world. They're lovely and we're happy but it's complex and hard work. If you don't want your own children then I'd really recommend you don't take it any further. It's fucking difficult and that's even if your life with them involves your own kid! X

I have been thinking about this thread as have been a step parent for 25 years. I was early 20's and thought I could handle it as I was an experienced teacher. How wrong I was and this probably made it worse. I tried incredibly hard, but it has been a very rough rocky road for all the reasons already listed.

Things only really improved once they left home and were no longer influenced by their mother (who was completely toxic, an alcoholic who had been married numerous times). On the surface my relationship with my stepchildren would appear OK but even now I still get anxious when they visit. Being a stepmum was a personally damaging experience.

Would do I do it again? Yes because I love my husband and we have a wonderful life now with really lovely children of our own. I wouldn't ever want to change that. In hindsight, I would have done things differently and kept my own house/flat so I had a bolt hole to go to and my own space. Also now I am a parent, looking back I realise some of the things I took really personally, weren't personal, but sometimes just what children do, because they are children.

Absolutely not on your Nelly. I have one stepchild who is a dream and one who is a total bully to the entire family and everyone (except my husband) tip toes around her in fear. Her mother uses every opportunity to make my husband the bad guy and she's utterly rude and entitled.

I'm dreading whichever stunt she will pull at Xmas after a year of hell where I will have no tolerance this year.

The ONLY problems my husband and I have centre around my step daughter so much so that in my head I call myself "dad's
Wife" not step mum to make myself feel a bit better.

My stepson however I would take on again tomorrow in a heartbeat

Nope.

My friend who is a step parent says the same and has advised her adult step kids (who she cares very much about) to not get into a relationship where there are kids involved.

If you’re unlucky with the ex situation then you’re stuck in constant annoyance and pressures with schedules and life is basically dictated by the other household until step kid is 18.

Step kid for me is fine, she’s well behaved and respectful to our household routines etc. We get on well. However, I have two little DC who cannot do anything as our lives are dictated by whatever the other household has decided for us regarding schedules (ie after school activities have taken over our lives now as they’re all scheduled on our weekends and days).

Honestly, it sucks.

In hindsight, I would have done things differently and kept my own house/flat so I had a bolt hole to go to and my own space.

I think this is actually brilliant advice for anyone embarking on a blended family.

I know that, with hindsight, I’d find things so much easier if I’d kept my old house (or bought a slightly bigger one) and DH had bought (or rented, because actually he had no deposit at all) a small flat or house to use for his contact with his DC. That way he could Disney parent as much as he likes and he’d be the one affected by their behaviour). And I could just keep a consistent and stable home life, and enjoy my time with my children. We could choose to join DH and the DSC for specific activities or days out, or not. And we could leave them too it on the days when their behaviour is intolerable.

HE would object to this (because he’d have to live between two houses, because he wouldn’t love FT with our DS3, because I wouldn’t be there to cook and do things for his children - or even just to provide company, since his DC aren’t really much fun to spend time with). But I do think it would be a much less stressful way to live. I think I’d find it easier to just ignore my DSC’s behaviour if I didn’t have to live with it in my home.

Sure, it’s not what anyone imagines of dreams of when they get married, but many things about blended families are not what anyone dreams of.

I completely agree with what @KumquatSalad just said.
Keep your own space if you can. Don’t romanticise the idea of all living together as one happy family. It’s not (in my case, or many others by the sounds of things) like that at all. I feel like there’s an awful lot of trying to fit square pegs into round holes, and compromise - which may well easily go more one way than the other. It’s not really conducive to a relaxed home environment - and a huge amount of it could be avoided by living separately.

I wouldn’t change it, DSS is 18 now - I met him when he was six. He’s a fantastic person and I’m very glad I met him.

It hasn’t been easy though, it’s been hard work with DH ex - but that being said it’s worth it in the end.

I always wanted children however, he is a fantastic big brother and i couldn’t imagine it any other way

Today it's a even stronger he'll no

Sick of being ignored in my own house and made to feel like the damn housekeeper

Hell

Haven’t read the thread but absolutely not! If you are early into the relationship and young then get out and find someone else.

@Justbecause88

Haven’t read the thread but absolutely not! If you are early into the relationship and young then get out and find someone else.

Wish someone had told me this.

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet me too. Wish I could go back and have a word with my 27 year old self!

I wouldn't. Not because of my dsd (whom I genuinely adore), but because of her mother.

Dsd's mum is constantly threatening my partner with court orders/ stopping contact (for no reason), so he walks on egg shells around her. He follows her silly rules, no matter how much they impact the house. At first, I went along with it, thinking that she'd grow out of it, but she hasn't yet.

She also spread a rumor that I was the "other woman", even though I hadn't even met dp when he divorced her! He divorced her because SHE was having an affair!

It is hard to be nice to her sometimes, but I always am.

Not in a million years. I will advise my DD not to get involved with anyone who already has DC, especially if it's a NRP who operates as a Disney Dad. Small things become such big things with these type of men.

Our DS needed his hair cutting one Saturday, DH suggests waiting until DSS is here on his EOW contact, so they can go together. At this point, DH has no idea whether DSS needs a haircut as well, and in fact his DM regularly takes him to cut his hair, so it's not as if it's a "DH job". DH makes it that EVERYTHING has to pivot around DSS, otherwise DH is terrified he'll feel he is missing out (this is actually DH responding to his own feelings of guilt).

After me having to explain to DH that DS needing a haircut doesn't affect DSS in any way, they ended up collecting DSS on the way to the barbers. The picking up didn't bother me in the slightest, it wasn't my inconvenience, and DS got his haircut. What bothers me is DS being given the impression by DH that nothing can happen in life until The Celebrity Child appears.

This is the type of thing which should never have been a conversation at all, it really shouldn't have been a big deal!

@GlitterToast our situations sound similar, We have been accused of having an affair even though I was working overseas until 6 months after they split and she had moved etc. Read the book “say goodbye to crazy”. Very insightful about women like this and how to deal with it.