Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

It must depend too on how old the children are? For people that want to be single until their kids are older, that could be 10-20 years single... That seems quite lonely to not have a significant other in your life...?

@cosmicbabe

It must depend too on how old the children are? For people that want to be single until their kids are older, that could be 10-20 years single... That seems quite lonely to not have a significant other in your life...?

DS is 4 so I'd be alone for what 14 years..... I'd go for that in comparison to ever dealing with someone like dps ex ever again. She made my life hell. Still does sometimes but I'm a much stronger person now than I was and I don't take her shit anymore.

It must depend too on how old the children are? For people that want to be single until their kids are older, that could be 10-20 years single... That seems quite lonely to not have a significant other in your life...?

I really do want to meet someone in the future. But I just can’t see that happening anytime soon because I doubt anyone would look twice at me with 4 small children, and I don’t blame them! So yes I think I will probably be single for a while.

@cosmicbabe I would rather remain single than try and navigate another relationship with a EOW parent. Unless he was completely happy to keep that aspect of his life separate. But they don’t. Ultimately they want someone around to help. That’s a huge factor.

Honestly I swear my exes EXW has given me PTSD. I think about her and my anxiety shoots through the roof. Dealing with these toxic exes is horrific for mental/ emotional well-being. Never again.

Not in a million years and I would advice my dc never to get involved with someone who already has kids also. It ruined my relationship and continues to prove very difficult as my sd refuses to see me and me dh had a grandchild we don't talk about.

Jesus well you've all put me right off moving in with my Boyfriend soon!! He sees his daughter EOW but she lives a good 3 hour round trip away so I have no dealings at all with his Ex and they were never married.. Not even really together if I'm honest..

However my Ex is a total nightmare so I think it should be my boyfriend who's more worried than me moving in with us

If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

Christ, no!

I am a stepmother. I couldn’t have my own children: c’est la vie. I’ve been married for twelve years. I like kids, and thought that I’d cope with step-parenting. I have, but it’s been difficult and frustrating.

If I travelled back in time, I wouldn’t marry a man with children again. My step kids are now in their late twenties. Every serious row I’ve ever had with DH has been about his kids. Why don’t I love them more than my blood relations? Why am I objecting to our bankrolling adults, whom we have already supported through university and postgraduate study? Etc etc etc. It is exhausting.

@cosmicbabe well all I will say to you is protect your partner from your ex. And if your partner voices issues, listen to them.

My biggest gripe with my ex is that he didn’t protect me enough, nor did he understand the scale of what he was asking me to take on. Typically any child where one parent is a ‘nightmare’ can be weaponised and behavioural problems are very common.

@Iamthewombat same. In 4 years all roads lead back to arguments re the ex and the children. And most importantly my needs being met.
It’s funny but he never spoiled me, said he didn’t have the money between spousal etc.
Tens of thousands have been spent on his children/ lawyers/ proceedings. He even proposed and no ring ever got bought.

It’s a joke really.

@cosmicbabe

It must depend too on how old the children are? For people that want to be single until their kids are older, that could be 10-20 years single... That seems quite lonely to not have a significant other in your life...?

If DH and I were to divorce, I’d stay single for the next 18-20 years. I just couldn’t face trying again while I have children in the house. And I most definitely wouldn’t be willing to even entertain the possibility of stepchildren again.

Not my experience, but my DSis definitely wouldn't.

Her stepdaughter is the classic result of a vindictive ex with nothing else to do but cause trouble. She can be a lovely girl but her mum does poison her thoughts when with her. A lot of accusations of hitting, exaggerating stories to make them sound like child abuse (one time my sister had to suddenly grab her arm to stop her running into the road- this became a story of my sister roughing up the SD intentionally in court) and just general baseless accusations. There have been times identified in court where SD has been clearly coached to say something.

It's made it so hard for my DSis that while she doesn't show it, she resents the whole situation. She loves her fiance and they have a daughter together, however she is under no illusion that if their daughter was not in the picture she would have left due to the drama.

Now she just hopes that as the SD grows up she will see her mum for who she is. Unfortunately she's still young (6ish?) so it will be a while.

My children (their whole lives) have moved from first place to third place. They move up and down depending on other factors. They understand completely, most importantly they understand that they are not the Center of the universe. As such as they have a healthy, balanced perspective about their role in the world.
This!
My 24 year old is furloughed at the moment & wanted to come home this weekend for Christmas. I had to say no. My dd who lives here ft is doing term exams and gets completely distracted when her older siblings are home in 'holiday' mode - staying up late & getting up late. SHE is the priority atm & ds got that once it was spelled out to him.
Now, if he was a dss I'd be lambasted on here for even suggesting such a thing, & if he was a dss I'd have no agency in my own home to prioritise the child (be it a dc or a sdc) who needed prioritising.
@Cigent & @cosmicbabe what @sassbott & the others have said on here is such good advice. @sassbott's bit about being protected is hugely important.
In my relationship with exdp I really worked on protecting him from my exh getting into our relationship via my kids (& his own sometimes 'quirky' behaviour). I deliberately stayed seeing a therapist once a month just so I could rant to her about exh & my kids if I needed to get stuff off my chest. I was that determined to not let my divorced affect my relationship. However this was not reciprocated by him until well into the relationship (2.5 years in)when exdp did eventually go to counselling and got a better handle on things at his end. By then however, it was too late. His dc were all teens who had no intention of changing & tbh at that point I had lost all interest in or respect for his dc. Even if they had started to cop on & behave better I don't think I could have gone there - the PTSD from these types of situations is all too real & exdp's exw & dc had just been let do too much damage.
If you have a dp who is massively self aware & who can honestly see both the good & not so good in his dc & is parenting them in a measured & not reactionary manner, & who refuses to dance to his ex's tune, then you have a good chance of being able to stepparent happily. But as you can see from posts on here that does seem to be rare.

That first bit should be highlighted!

@Magda72 you and I are fairly similar in our approaches and the good news is that our children are growing up balanced and healthy.

My ex once told me that (as far as he is concerned) he has to cram 11 days of not seeing his children (his ex relocated the children further away) into his EOW contact. It was quite an eye opening statement.

Because it shows that none of the skewed dynamic was in my head and nor was I imagining things. Until someone has lived through a partner who operates in such a way, they cannot understand. Of course, on paper, a NRP should focus on their children and be available. I would agree with that wholeheartedly (and I do).
However to live with that dynamic is intensely hard and very destabilising. Because the cold hard reality is nothing will match that intensity of emotion around EOW of seeing your children.
Certainly not your partner who you can see whenever you want (essentially). And potentially any resident children.

So what ends up happening is a household has a healthy dynamic (because the resident children aren’t EOW children typically with a mother). As such the mother is (potentially) more balanced in her approach. I know I am - I can prioritise (and do prioritise) work and my personal relationships over my children. I can pour time and energy in equal balanced amounts into everyone.

That balance completely skews in NRP. For ages I couldn’t pin down what was so destabilising about contact with the exes children. Fundamentally it’s about the intensity, the pressure and the focus. It shifts the whole dynamic. And I would suddenly see a partner jump to attention to lavish his children with time, energy, money and focus in a way he wouldn’t do with me. Why? Because I’m there and available so why would he?

I found it so terrible to deal with (and stressful) that I removed myself completely from contact and told my ex all contact needed to take place away from my home (which is fine as we never lived together). I have complete empathy with posters who say they get a sinking feeling when their SC are coming. It sounds so horrible to outsiders who haven’t lived with it.

But trust me, it’s no fun living a life in what essentially becomes a two tier system. Where the NR children (by virtue of being NR) are placed on pedestals. By NRP’s who are so intense around meeting their children’s needs in that time. And everyone else is (well) not treated with the same regard or care.

I don’t blame the NRP’S in these situations. But I do think a lot of them are intensely selfish and myopic in how they expect their partners to react to such one sidedness.

Layer in a high conflict EXW and that’s simply the cherry on the cake. Because all that serves to do is make the NRP fear losing their children eventually, making contact even more emotionally intense and amplifying Disney parenting.

No. I wouldn’t touch any of this with a barge pole ever again. I’m not cut out to be a step parent - if I was selfish and myopic and demanding over my children, then I probably could be. But given I refuse to place my children on a pedestal, I refuse to be with anyone who thinks placing theirs on one is justified.

It’s a deeply unhealthy environment to try and tolerate. And that’s what so many people fail to understand.

I wouldn't! Of course, it really depends on your age and the age of the DC. If the DC are, say, 16 and 18, then it's unlikely that they'll be living with you or your responsibility, but if they're 4 and 6, no way. That means a minimum of EOW and possibly as much as 50/50 inc all school holidays, it means taking them on holiday with you, school runs, school plays, weekend parties and whatever activities they're into - and all for someone else's DC. I'd rather be single than that! It's bloody hard enough when they're your own flesh and blood.

I’ll add. I deeply resent my ex partner for how deeply selfish his behaviour was. And just how much he expected someone else to tolerate (what was essentially) really rubbish behaviour.
They’re not my children, why on earth would I be content to have whole weekends pivoted to meeting their needs?

My ex simply couldn’t get his head around it and would repeatedly make statements like ‘you’re jealous of my children/ you have a problem with them.’ I would reply ‘no I have a problem with you. Your behaviour and your expectation of people around your children.’ I gave him an example once of a simply day to day event.

My children (as they now are getting older and stay up late) have their own gaming/ tv area. The main lounge is effectively coined the ‘adults lounge’. After a long week of work, it is not beyond the pale that I will say to my children ‘into your lounge to watch xyz, I want to watch xyz’ (normally something like an 18 that they cannot watch yet). They don’t bat an eyelid, understand that I’ve had a long week and I need to unwind.

I said to my ex, that’s what I can do. Kick my kids out of the adults lounge and say go into yours. No one cares.
When he would bring his children to mine, he and they would take over the adult lounge. Put their cartoons/ tv on. Zero cognisance from him to say to me ‘would you like to watch something else?’ Or ‘would you like to sit here and we can go into the children’s lounge.’

And I said to him, look at how I parent. I can walk in and say, out. I want to watch xyz. I said to him, could you even imagine a world where I walked in and said the same to HIS children. It would result in WW3 with a rhetoric of ‘how dare you speak to my children that way, they’re hardly at yours. What’s the problem if they’re sitting nice and comfy and watching their tv?’.

My response? There’s a children’s area for precisely this reason and it’s what I say to my children. Why should yours get any different treatment and why should what they want take precedent in a house that I own and pay for?

And it’s why I knew we were doomed. I cannot live with him in any capacity. Because there will always be an inate entitlement around his children. An entitlement that does not exist with mine and I refuse to have it imposed on me, my children and my home.

That’s why so many of these situations are tough. These men are just deeply unbalanced themselves truthfully.

Never again.

@Namealreadyinuse1

Truthfully, no I wouldn’t. I love my DH very much and have no regrets but it’s been incredibly difficult being a Stepmum. We have had so much stress and hate from his ExW and one of my SDs that I am on anti depressants. I would have loved children of my own and have tried very hard to be a good stepmum but I can’t do anything right and walk on eggshells in my own home when she is here.

I feel very sad for you reading that, so sorry that you are made to feel like that by SD, sending you hugs

To finish, magda it’s as you say. I say to my DC, out, go and watch your tv in your area. Fine.
If I was to say that to SC? I’d be piled on. How dare you treat the children in such a manner. You’re excluding them/ they won’t feel welcome.

My response? Huh? They’re children. It’s my house. Since when do their needs supercede how a household runs day to day? I adore my nieces and nephews (far more than I cared for my exes children) and even they would be told, stop making so much noise here, go somewhere else. The adults are talking. No one cared. Certainly not the children. My children’s friends come over. Guess where they all sit? Not in the adults lounge.

But suddenly the children involved are SC? Sorry, no. They require different rules because they’re special? It’s complete and utter BS.

I have complete empathy with posters who say they get a sinking feeling when their SC are coming. It sounds so horrible to outsiders who haven’t lived with it. But trust me, it’s no fun living a life in what essentially becomes a two tier system. Where the NR children (by virtue of being NR) are placed on pedestals. By NRP’s who are so intense around meeting their children’s needs in that time. And everyone else is (well) not treated with the same regard or care. I don’t blame the NRP’S in these situations. But I do think a lot of them are intensely selfish and myopic in how they expect their partners to react to such one sidedness. Layer in a high conflict EXW and that’s simply the cherry on the cake. It’s a deeply unhealthy environment to try and tolerate. And that’s what so many people fail to understand

Absolutely agree with all of this. People who have never lived it will never, ever get it.

I totally agree with @sassbott. It’s just so hard living with the intensity of emotion and total myopia to anyone else. My SDC are here 1/3 of the time and 50% in the school holidays. It’s not an insignificant amount of time and doesn’t merit treating their arrival as the second coming every time.

The thing is, a NRP behaving like this actually makes it impossible to have a good relationship (or even to like) their DC. Add in a manipulative ex and there’s no hope. After trying really, really hard for years, the best I can manage is polite neutrality and keeping myself away as much as possible. I do feel like I need to hide away and disappear in my own house. The DSC’s behaviour makes them unlikeable. Their father’s pandering to it and refusal to do anything about it just creates resentment. His sense of entitlement that I should adore his children like they’re my own amplifies that.

The ridiculous thing is that DH has a good relationship with my DS. He even likes DS and can enjoy his company. In DH’s mind, this is proof that I’m the problem. I’m just an evil SM who hates his DC.

But, he is only able to have a good relationship with my DS because of me and how I handle the situation. 1. I do not expect him to see DS as his own or see it as his responsibility to do anything for him. I am grateful for any help he gives me with him but I never expect anything. 2. I recognise that when DS is being annoying (he’s 11; he is annoying!) DH is not experiencing it through the rose tinted goggles of parental love. So I keep on top of things and I’m aware that it’s not ok to decide to be super permissive because he’s not always here. Where I haven’t anticipated an issue, I listen to DH and sort it out. 3. My ex and I are extremely low conflict. We both broadly agree on boundaries and expectations for DS and just trust each other to parent appropriately. I am always positive about DS’s time with his dad and I have no interest in trying to use DS as a pawn in a war with my ex. As a result, my ex has pretty much no impact on our household. And 4. His interactions with DS are limited to eating meals (cooked by me) and a bit of hanging out if we go out somewhere. Maybe very occasionally playing a video game with him. Nothing difficult or unpleasant.

It’s NOT me that’s the problem. It’s him. I have thought through the stepparent experience and I do everything I can to make sure that DH can just gets to take on the role of fun family friend with no expectation that he’ll be a substitute father. And objectively DS is easier to get along with than the DSC because his behaviour is better. And it’s only better because of how I parent.

And that is, I think, the crux of it. Anyone’s experience of step parenting will necessarily be determined by their partner’s choices and attitude. DH can find it pretty easy because I make it easy for him. I find it pretty much intolerable because he allows it to be intolerable. In fact, he makes it that way with his ridiculous expectations and sense of entitlement.

He claims he cannot understand why I’m so upset about some of the behaviours. Apparently I need to be more tolerant. But tolerance is finite. It runs out when faced with ongoing bad behaviour (and rudeness/blatant disrespect) that he doesn’t address. And it’s harder to muster any when I’m the one doing all the work. Plus, why should I tolerate continual bad behaviour that he won’t address? Why should anyone tolerate that?

As a result, my ex has pretty much no impact on our household

This is so, so important. In my situation, practically every single thing that happens in our house - whether DSD is here or not, whether she's here all week, or just 50% of the week, whether she's suddenly here at the weekend when she wasn't supposed to be - everything is ultimately dictated by what's happening in DH's ex's life. And I hate it. There are no boundaries.

His ex has taken on a massive piece of freelance work which means she'll be out of the house from 4am-8pm, it's okay, just send DSD here. Never mind what we're all doing.

His ex wants to go on holiday with her boyfriend during term time. It's okay, just send DSD here.

That would never, ever happen the other way round. DH would never take a job that meant he simply couldn't look after DSD for its duration, or bugger off on holiday when it suited.

This is so, so important. In my situation, practically every single thing that happens in our house - whether DSD is here or not, whether she's here all week, or just 50% of the week, whether she's suddenly here at the weekend when she wasn't supposed to be - everything is ultimately dictated by what's happening in DH's ex's life. And I hate it. There are no boundaries.

Your problem there is with your DP.

My DP's ex tried this and more so they have got a prescriptive Child Arrangements Order. DP is sticking to this to the letter which is ex doesn't like and is still trying to find ways of getting around it, even though we know she has been warned about breaching it.

Absolutely not. I adore my husband and we now have DC of our own. But if I knew then what I do now I’d have ran for the hills.

I don’t think meeting the children late helps either. I didn’t met my DSS until we’d been together over 6m, by that time I was emotionally involved and loved his dad. It was obvious that DSS wasn’t the angel my DH led me to believe and he didn’t have the amicable relationship with his Mum he said he did.

It depends on number of children, age of children, length of time the parents have been split up, amount of contact the dad has and the relationship between the parents and their ability to co-parent.

I've actively avoided men with children younger than my own and have only been with one guy with kids (but wasn't a step parent).

Way too much hassle for me these days, maybe when I was younger.

In my situation, practically every single thing that happens in our house - whether DSD is here or not, whether she's here all week, or just 50% of the week, whether she's suddenly here at the weekend when she wasn't supposed to be - everything is ultimately dictated by what's happening in DH's ex's life

This is hideous. I couldn't bear living like this.

@KumquatSalad your synopsis of how well your DP gets on with your DS is identical to my situation. My ex got on well with my children.

Identical situation to yours. Zero core childcare responsibilities, or financial responsibilities. Anything he did was by total choice. I parent my children with my ex and neither of us would tolerate rudeness etc. Any backchat (inevitable) is dealt with there and then (robustly) by me. My exh created zero issues with us as a couple or with me as a co-parent. That was all taken for granted and not only that, but then used to say ‘well can’t you do the same for my children?’.

Erm. No. The two situations are miles apart. And you have the relationship you have with my children only because of how my exh and I parent said children. The same is not reciprocated on your side.