Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

@Magda72

You are second best. Quite rightly obviously but some women struggle with that. I've seen this type of thing posted on here & on this thread quite a few times & I VEHEMENTLY disagree with it. Why, why, WHY do we keep telling ourselves we should be second best?? We shouldn't!! Any decent adult relationship should be on a par with that between parents and dc - no matter what the family set up. I see this everywhere in modern society. One eg is in boutiques around August time when stroppy teens are getting mum to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a 'prom' dress. Teen is having a hissy fit about hair, makeup, dress matching, the tan, her weight etc. etc. while ageing mum is there, 20 dress fittings in, in her cagoule looking beaten by life. I often feel like tapping these women on the shoulder & telling them to take the money themselves and book an adventure retreat in Peru for themselves instead of spending it on their already spoiled daughters. Honestly, if I spoke to or demanded from my parents the way a lot of kids do nowadays I'd have been sent packing. We're living in a society where ALL adults are expected to subvert to their children's every need, want, wish & whim & it's just plain wrong imo. The wrong people are driving family dynamics. This is across the board but never more obvious than on forms like this whereby sms & nrdads in particular are told that they should have NO lives beyond the sdc & that any wish or attempt by either or both to behave in any way like an individual independent of the sdc, should be stamped out thoroughly. There are people on here who seem to think it perfectly normal and acceptable for children & teens to be dictating what way households are run, even down to bedroom allocation, tv watching, dinners, days out, holidays. It seems the adults have no right to run THEIR household as they see fit & should have no agency over their own lives. It's bloody ridiculous. I have 3 dc who were not brought up like this & who are great young people, but even I struggle with the air of entitlement I sometimes see in them; an air fuelled by every damn bit of society telling them that my only role in life is to 'serve' them well into adulthood & that I stopped being a person when I had them! Well bollocks to that. All children have a right to feel loved & wanted and safe - & while of course in extreme circumstances I would give my life for my dc, on a daily basis they are no more deserving or special than me & me telling them they are is doing both myself & them a massive disservice. No one should feel second best in any relationship. Love is not finite; there's plenty to go around & more adults & kids could do with learning this. You don't stop being an Individual with hopes & dreams & needs & interests & hobbies - just because you procreated!

Love love love this

Our DS needed his hair cutting one Saturday, DH suggests waiting until DSS is here on his EOW contact, so they can go together. At this point, DH has no idea whether DSS needs a haircut as well, and in fact his DM regularly takes him to cut his hair, so it's not as if it's a "DH job". DH makes it that EVERYTHING has to pivot around DSS, otherwise DH is terrified he'll feel he is missing out (this is actually DH responding to his own feelings of guilt).

Oh my fucking god I could not cope with that. So your DS isn’t worthy of a haircut to keep him smart unless DSS goes along too? Surely if DSS came to you a few days later and looked like he needed a hair cut, he would have just been taken for one. No need for your DS to wait for his grand appearance in the meantime.

I can’t believe a child can’t even have the basics like a hair cut because apparently it might make their sibling who isn’t even there feel “left out”.

And people say second children have it all. This child was begrudged an absolute basic all because the first child wasn’t there.

I find it difficult because I grew up in a complicated step family and therefore felt I was well prepared for some of the issues, however my partner’s background is very solidly nuclear and it took him a long time to get used to not having the same dynamic himself. So we both came with a set of assumptions we didn’t really discuss until our relationship had got to a certain point. We don’t have children together - and won’t be - so I think that helps because I can choose to distance myself from some situations.

@funinthesun19

Our DS needed his hair cutting one Saturday, DH suggests waiting until DSS is here on his EOW contact, so they can go together. At this point, DH has no idea whether DSS needs a haircut as well, and in fact his DM regularly takes him to cut his hair, so it's not as if it's a "DH job". DH makes it that EVERYTHING has to pivot around DSS, otherwise DH is terrified he'll feel he is missing out (this is actually DH responding to his own feelings of guilt).

Oh my fucking god I could not cope with that. So your DS isn’t worthy of a haircut to keep him smart unless DSS goes along too? Surely if DSS came to you a few days later and looked like he needed a hair cut, he would have just been taken for one. No need for your DS to wait for his grand appearance in the meantime.

I can’t believe a child can’t even have the basics like a hair cut because apparently it might make their sibling who isn’t even there feel “left out”.

And people say second children have it all. This child was begrudged an absolute basic all because the first child wasn’t there.

It drives me mad, it really does. If it had got to it, and DH had refused on the basis that he preferred to wait until DSS was staying, I'd have taken DS myself. Firstly because he needed a haircut, and secondly to prove the point that WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT. If DSS arrived for the weekend and he needed a haircut, I'd assume he would be taken on a separate trip, and has been in the past.

These discussions are really exhausting when you have them all the time. I never thought it would be this way, as I assumed DH would treat all his DC as equals. I didn't realise the pedestal he'd put DSS on would mean his other mere mortal children would have to negotiate around him/them and their relationship

Nope because of the dynamics of the whole situation. The stepkids and I still are in contact even though me and thier dad split 2 years ago after a rough13 years. They were good kids really but thier family were a nightmare and it all affected me mental health.

So no I will never again get involved with a man with dependent children

*Our DS needed his hair cutting one Saturday, DH suggests waiting until DSS is here on his EOW contact, so they can go together. At this point, DH has no idea whether DSS needs a haircut as well, and in fact his DM regularly takes him to cut his hair, so it's not as if it's a "DH job". DH makes it that EVERYTHING has to pivot around DSS, otherwise DH is terrified he'll feel he is missing out (this is actually DH responding to his own feelings of guilt).

After me having to explain to DH that DS needing a haircut doesn't affect DSS in any way, they ended up collecting DSS on the way to the barbers. The picking up didn't bother me in the slightest, it wasn't my inconvenience, and DS got his haircut. What bothers me is DS being given the impression by DH that nothing can happen in life until The Celebrity Child appears.*

This is hands down, quite frankly, THE most ludicrous example I have ever read on here of NR Dad guilt. Doing something that just defies all logic and common sense out of nothing other than fear and guilt as a parent. How sad.

Would I choose to be a step parent if I had the choice again? God no, it’s not exactly the fairy tale, is it? I have never regretted marrying DH, but being a step parent is not funny.

In together families, the parents love each other without overthinking it, and without people reminding the mum that the dad loves the children more and she can get stuffed if she wants some quality time with him and vice versa. Why is it different when it comes to second families? Or more specifically, the dad’s second family? Because I’m pretty sure the mum is allowed to love whoever she wants and not be reminded to tone it down “for the sake of the children”

Exactly. It was the weird dynamics that made my life so difficult

If you'd asked me 15 years ago I would have said Hell no. My SD (whose life I have been in since she was 5) was a total pain in the arse. Her Mum died when she was 14 (of alcohol related issues) and she blamed me for it for her entire teenage years. She used to play me and my partner off against each other and then when I had my son insist that they were the family unit and I was an outsider. It was tough but I've always been there for her and I've always cared. As time has gone on we have rebuilt our relationship and now I'm happy to say we genuinely love each other. I think they come to realise later on who they can depend on and who has always looked after them. My son, however, who is now 23 is now the pain in the arse ...

No.
Nor would i choose for my kids to become step parents .
Step child sadly is a copy of her toxic mother ,she isn't interested in my husband -her father or her half siblings , husband has always been consistent , giving and supportive .
I know he and myself have always done our best for her.
We are now used to not seeing much of her and we can live with that , i still feel a little niggle in the back of my mind , i wish we were all closer .
For me selfishly maybe, life would be easier if it were just him and our children .

@RUOKHon

For me personally though, no I would not choose to do it again. It is by far the hardest thing that I’ve done and I feel like the whole experience is what causes me to be a person I don’t like. Regardless of the setup I think it’s the fact that another woman is part of your life whether you like it or not

I agree with all of this.

No. I would not do it again.

This is my biggest issue too. It's not really the kids; I love them to bits but I can't stand his ex being a constant in my life. Especially as she brings out the absolute worst in me!

I love my partner and it is what is now but, if I was ever in this position again, I wouldn't date someone with kids. It's way to complicated and anxiety provoking....for me anyway.

I can't stand his ex being a constant in my life.

This is such a huge consideration. You start out imagining it won’t be an issue because you’re a grown up and you can accept your partner has a past etc. But you don’t anticipate how intrusive his ex could be, both in person and through her representatives who live in your house.

I don’t really understand why my DH’s ex has such a big effect on our lives. It’s much bigger than the effect my ex has and the effect I have on my ex’s life. We mostly just leave each other to it. DS doesn’t bang on about his dad constantly (plus he knows I’d tell him off if he tried the ‘my dad does X better than you’ thing towards DH). And my ex’s parenting doesn’t affect DS’s behaviour in our house particularly. I think my ex and I have always been on similar pages parenting-wise, which probably helps. Even pick ups and drop offs are very limited contact. Often my ex picks him up from school and then just waits at the end of the path while I let DS in at drop off. It’s all very minimal and there’s no conflict. And I’m very aware that I don’t want my ex to be a huge feature of DH’s daily life.

DH’s ex, on the other hand, is a huge presence in our lives. Drop offs are a nightmare as she’s there for ages on the doorstep while the pantomime of ‘I love you mammy’ and screaming and wailing and clinging to her ensues. All the while she’s encouraging this crap. She’s always messaging and phoning DH about stuff. Even though they have a mediation agreement not to interfere in each other’s parenting, she regularly phones him to have an argument about things that aren’t done her way. The kids constantly talk about their mum in very annoying ways (I just smile and say ‘that’s nice’, but DSD in particular knows she’s being horrible in saying ‘oh, mammy’s mash is much nicer than yours’ etc, continually). The DSC’s behaviour is absolutely, fundamentally shaped by their mother’s parenting. There are all sorts of ongoing issues with rudeness, poor behaviour, outright nastiness that are a direct result of their mother’s parenting choices. And so on, and on, and on.

There’s no way you can anticipate how intrusive all this can be. Or how wearing it is to have another woman with such levels of control in your life - for years, and years, and years!

It’s not about jealousy or pettiness or inability to accept your DH’s past (or anything else MN might accuse you of); it’s about just wanting to live your life and not have constant curve balls unexpectedly lobbed through your living room window all the time.

I haven’t read the whole thread but think I will to see if my response is harsh or not.

My answer is categorically not, if I knew then what I know now I’d have turned and run as fast as I could.

My relationship is in tatters and my MH is at an all time low. I am child free through choice, I thought he was wonderful and had no idea of the challenges, lack of consideration, lack of boundaries and not forgetting the ex wife who believes she has a given right to interfere in every part of our lives if she chooses too.

I don’t know I’d step parenting is any easier if you have your own children, but ii do know if you’re child free, someone else’s kids won’t enhance your life or relationship. If you think it’ll be nice family times for you all, I’d seriously reconsider. It rarely is.

100% yes. I feel very lucky and it's always been a very strong bond from the beginning.

NO! It’s a ghastly existence. The dynamics are just too gruesome to contemplate, the mother is always in your world, you can never enjoy a holiday alone, and the EXPENSE. They just take take take. I’m just now delighting in the 4th progeny prepping for uni on her pitiful predicted results. I believe drama the aim. After 300k of school fees...

Why can you never enjoy a holiday alone? DP and I always go on weekends away when it is not his contact weekend.
Also, his ex is of course a fixture but she doesn't take over our lives as we don't allow it. DP for example does not allow her to call during certain times. It's about setting boundaries.
We are a very happy blended family.

@Lemonsherbetfancies

Why can you never enjoy a holiday alone? DP and I always go on weekends away when it is not his contact weekend. Also, his ex is of course a fixture but she doesn't take over our lives as we don't allow it. DP for example does not allow her to call during certain times. It's about setting boundaries. We are a very happy blended family.

Well lucky you. Enjoy in good health.

I would never want my H to read this but I must be honest. If I had my time again I’m not sure I would. it’s been that painful

It's sad to read these responses. I and so many in my social circle have had such positive experiences.

You might find step-parenting difficult, op. Better to keep the relationship as a non live-in one. It's early days for you as a couple anyway so just enjoy what you have but keep your options open.

I would never have considered being a step parent, no matter how much I liked the child or children, at least not once I got past 20 - I might have had romantic ideas about it as a youngster. Thankfully I married someone without children.

Just before I saw your thread I was thinking I was mad to have married a man who had DC.
I wish I hadn’t.
I’m divorcing him.

Absolutely not, if one of you doesn't have kids and the other does then you are on unequal footings from the start, the person with out kids will be the one having to make all the sacrifices with regards to making their life fit around the other person's life who has got kids, going out on random date nights or weekends away, or days out during the week near impossible unless on the rare occasion childcare can be arranged, then there are birthdays and Xmas where are step kids going to go and any special events if kids can't go and childcare can't be found then you would be expected to stay at home with your partner and their children otherwise there is going to be quite alot of resentment and thinking you are selfish if you go off and do things without them. Everything just becomes a choir to organise and off putting and it all has to be planned in advance.

lf your in your 20s or 30s I would highly recommend finding someone else at the same life stage as your self if you haven't allready got kids, you don't want to be tieing yourself down with somebody else's and missing out on all the fun that dating brings when neither of you have children or responsibilities and can do what ever you want when you want. That is priceless to me building memory's together then eventually settling together and rasing your own children together

run for the hills

@AnneLovesGilbert agree with everything you said, couldn't have put it better.

But you don't anticipate how intrusive his ex could be, both in person and through her representatives who life in your house.

This in spades, and I've never even met the woman! Still finds a way to insert herself at every opportunity though . I certainly wouldn't choose to do this if I had my time all over again.