Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

Nope. All pain and no thanks.

Nope. And I get on with the kids,the ex. We’ve all been away together. But the complications and the dynamics are too much, especially if you don’t have a kid too. I don’t. I’m always rather second best.

I'm surprised at the people that have said even though they have their own kids they wouldn't get involved with someone else with kids. Wow. I assume you expect a guy to date you though and take on your kids?... Also I think you'd find it hard being single past 40 trying to meet someone that didn't have kids?...

@cosmicbabe

I'm surprised at the people that have said even though they have their own kids they wouldn't get involved with someone else with kids. Wow. I assume you expect a guy to date you though and take on your kids?... Also I think you'd find it hard being single past 40 trying to meet someone that didn't have kids?...

Absolutely not. I wouldn't expect anyone to do it. I would rather remain single until my child is an adult that get involved with another man with kids.

@cosmicbabe post divorce I chose not to dare men with young kids as mine had been messed around enough. DP and I have a lovely time but don’t and won’t live together at least until my DCs are grown up

Good Lord no.

I was too naive when I entered the relationship. I knew there would be sacrifices yet I thought I could make it work, support my husband and keep everyone happy.

It’s been a thankless task. DH is a Disney Dad. Where I was very generous and giving for the first few years, it’s been thrown back in my face time and again and I now dislike the situation I find myself in - having to share my home, my time, my money and even time with my own children with two rude, entitled teenagers who I have done A HUGE AMOUNT FOR over the years. In the background the whole time is their mother trying to call the shots and control everyone.
It’s had a negative effect on my self esteem and mental health. Never again.

Every family is different though. For some it works, for some it doesn’t. When my own children are older I’ll do my best to steer them away from getting involved with people who already have kids.

@Cigent if I was in your position knowing what I know now I would 100% never ever date a man with kids and I didn't until dp 12 years ago.
If I could go back to me then I'd say run a mile! I love him to bits and wouldn't finish with him now but there's been so so many issues over the years that have caused us arguments and financial impacts because he has dc.

Not read replies so far but consider the following if you stayed together;
Your holidays may have the kids tagging along.
Your home will also be their home.
You'd be expected to contribute to the kids lives; school plays/ homework/ days out/ cooking/ washing/ friends over etc.
You are second best. Quite rightly obviously but some women struggle with that.
If anything happened to their mum, or even if not- dad could end up with full custody- you get 2 kids forever.
Not only are you taking on his kids, you're taking on their mother- his ex. She could be decent but often there are issues. You may have the children saying 'my mum says you have to do what I say/ you're no good' etc

That's only what comes to mind now. I really would end things now as you've asked the question so your gut knows.

Also for him/ the kids, it's unfair on them too to get more involved.

Use your head here while you still have the choice as it is.

Well I wouldn’t change my past however hard and painful it was because I wouldn’t have my children.

BUT going forwards I would not look twice at a man with children. The lessons I learned when I was with my ex and when I was a stepmum taught me that me and my children deserve a better life than that.

You are second best. Quite rightly obviously but some women struggle with that.
I've seen this type of thing posted on here & on this thread quite a few times & I VEHEMENTLY disagree with it.
Why, why, WHY do we keep telling ourselves we should be second best?? We shouldn't!! Any decent adult relationship should be on a par with that between parents and dc - no matter what the family set up.
I see this everywhere in modern society. One eg is in boutiques around August time when stroppy teens are getting mum to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a 'prom' dress. Teen is having a hissy fit about hair, makeup, dress matching, the tan, her weight etc. etc. while ageing mum is there, 20 dress fittings in, in her cagoule looking beaten by life. I often feel like tapping these women on the shoulder & telling them to take the money themselves and book an adventure retreat in Peru for themselves instead of spending it on their already spoiled daughters. Honestly, if I spoke to or demanded from my parents the way a lot of kids do nowadays I'd have been sent packing.
We're living in a society where ALL adults are expected to subvert to their children's every need, want, wish & whim & it's just plain wrong imo. The wrong people are driving family dynamics. This is across the board but never more obvious than on forms like this whereby sms & nrdads in particular are told that they should have NO lives beyond the sdc & that any wish or attempt by either or both to behave in any way like an individual independent of the sdc, should be stamped out thoroughly. There are people on here who seem to think it perfectly normal and acceptable for children & teens to be dictating what way households are run, even down to bedroom allocation, tv watching, dinners, days out, holidays. It seems the adults have no right to run THEIR household as they see fit & should have no agency over their own lives.
It's bloody ridiculous.
I have 3 dc who were not brought up like this & who are great young people, but even I struggle with the air of entitlement I sometimes see in them; an air fuelled by every damn bit of society telling them that my only role in life is to 'serve' them well into adulthood & that I stopped being a person when I had them! Well bollocks to that.
All children have a right to feel loved & wanted and safe - & while of course in extreme circumstances I would give my life for my dc, on a daily basis they are no more deserving or special than me & me telling them they are is doing both myself & them a massive disservice.
No one should feel second best in any relationship. Love is not finite; there's plenty to go around & more adults & kids could do with learning this. You don't stop being an Individual with hopes & dreams & needs & interests & hobbies - just because you procreated!

No one should feel second best in any relationship. Love is not finite; there's plenty to go around & more adults & kids could do with learning this. You don't stop being an Individual with hopes & dreams & needs & interests & hobbies - just because you procreated!

This and this some more. I've said it myself on numerous threads on here where there is insistence that "you must come second" to a man with kids. Utter rubbish. My man has 2 kids and I've never settled for second - I have more self respect than to do that. It's not a competition- it's different types of relationships that any man with half an ounce of emotional intelligence can equally make time for to create harmony and balance.

It’s not about letting yourself be second best. You just are.

@GiraffeNecked

It’s not about letting yourself be second best. You just are.

Why?

My dp doesn't come second to our child. I don't come second to our child either. We're all equal. I love them both. They're both very important to me - and sometimes get this, an adult is put first in our house, because that's actually the right decision for everyone at that time.

I therefore do not see why I would come second to his other child. I don't see why my child should come second to his child either.

It doesn't happen in our house. It doesn't make for a healthy environment giving one child more power over everyone else in the household. It just breeds spoilt brats that turn into not very nice adults who don't understand that the world does not revolve around them.

It’s not about letting yourself be second best. You just are

How so? My DP definitely isn’t second best to my children, and I’m damn sure I’m not to his.
If it was a case of the kids need something then their needs take priority as being a decent parent means ensuring their needs are met.
But when it comes to wants then my DP and kids are on equal footing. Also my DP’s emotional needs aren’t lower than my DCs.

And shock horror... I don’t love my kids more than my DP either! The love is different but in equal measures to me.
I love my DCs unconditionally and would literally die for them, but my love for them doesn’t outweigh the love for my DP otherwise our relationship wouldn’t work.
The only difference is I love my DP conditionally. Our relationship is built on the conditions of fidelity, mutual respect, kindness etc and without those things it could diminish.

But one day my kids (and my DP’s kids) will be grown up with families of their own, living in their own homes and potentially in different cities or even countries. My DP and I will have each other when all of the kids have flown the nest which is why we prioritise our relationship together and never allow the each other to feel like second best to our respective DCs.

If you’re not a priority or treated as an equal to your DP’s children in terms of emotional needs, care and respect then I suggest your partner isn’t suited to dating whilst their kids are young.

There’s not a chance I would tolerate being “2nd best” as someone’s partner or wife. It’s such a horrible, unhealthy dynamic to create.

@GiraffeNecked

It’s not about letting yourself be second best. You just are.

Speak for your own marriage!

I wholeheartedly agree that no one should just accept they are second best. In any relationship.

It is not good for children to be elevated to some kind of mini god status. In any kind of family. Its bad for everyone but it’s especially dreadful for the children themselves.

So at best all this ‘know your place (at the back of the queue)’ rhetoric is utterly misguided. It’s not about meeting the needs of the children (who need boundaries and to learn that they are not the centre of the universe); it’s about meeting some pretty unhealthy needs of guilty or angry parents. Guilty NRPs spoil their kids to make themselves feel better about having split up the family. Or because they don’t want to ‘spoil’ the time they have with them with actual parenting - which us often not fun. Bitter RPs want their family (and themselves, vicariously through the children) to be prioritised for all sorts of reasons: they don’t want to feel ‘replaced’; they don’t want their ex to have any life but a half life shadow of what they had (so they can lament having left him or her); they are angry that they can’t do what they want because they have the kids most of the time so they want their ex to feel the pain; they don’t want their ex or his new partner to be happy together; they don’t want to be usurped as The Only (Wo)Man That Matters in their kids’ lives; and so on.

It’s pretty much never really about the kids. If it were then, just like in most nuclear families, there’d be none of this ‘second best’ nonsense. There’s be a recognition that children do best when they see healthy adult relationships rather than the screwed up power dynamics of many blended families.

No one should just accept they’ll always come second in their own life.

For me personally though, no I would not choose to do it again. It is by far the hardest thing that I’ve done and I feel like the whole experience is what causes me to be a person I don’t like. Regardless of the setup I think it’s the fact that another woman is part of your life whether you like it or not

I agree with all of this.

No. I would not do it again.

I mean you see the projection all over this board from RPs whose own psychological needs are served by the insistence that their children must come first in their father’s life over anything and everything.

The kids wouldn’t have been treated as rulers of the universe before the split. These same RP’s would never have accepted that they should be a second class citizen in their own family. And that would be because they recognise that’s just fucked up and bad for kids.

But post-split they cannot countenance their representatives in the world (their DC) not being the centre of other people’s universe.

It’s not about letting yourself be second best. You just are.

You might be. I'm not.

*If you’re not a priority or treated as an equal to your DP’s children in terms of emotional needs, care and respect then I suggest your partner isn’t suited to dating whilst their kids are young.
*
THIS.

And shock horror... I don’t love my kids more than my DP either! The love is different but in equal measures to me.

And for me. It astounds me that people aren't capable of equal but direct types of love, care and respect, without having to adding a number to where that person belongs in their life. I wonder if those people's marriages and relationships lasted long...? 🤔

*equal but different, not direct.

No, I would not get involved with anyone with kids again.

Step-mum here. Absolutely not. I knew he had children when we got together (as did I) but there was more to it, we had a history. If it had been anyone else there's not a chance in hell I would even consider getting together with someone who already had kids.

It's hard work, it's complicated, it's messy, it's frustrating. I like the kids but I don't love them, and I prefer it when they're not around. I don't mind saying that and my husband knows that I feel that way. I obviously care for them and I am kind and take care of their needs but that's as far as it goes for me. It's certainly not the life you dream of!

The second best thing for me is that I expect the needs of the child to come before my wants which is true in any relationship. So child maintenance and regular agreed contact come before nights out and holidays. But prom dresses and ad hoc nights through the week don’t come before household bills and regular commitments that we’ve specifically arranged for times when we know she’s not with us.

I agree there is enough love to go around so everyone has enough. You don’t need to martyr yourself regarding your children and treat your partner like a second class citizen with constant reminders that they come second/last/bottom of the pile. Wow that’s love isn’t it?

In together families, the parents love each other without overthinking it, and without people reminding the mum that the dad loves the children more and she can get stuffed if she wants some quality time with him and vice versa. Why is it different when it comes to second families? Or more specifically, the dad’s second family? Because I’m pretty sure the mum is allowed to love whoever she wants and not be reminded to tone it down “for the sake of the children”.