Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

If you don’t want children have you thought about why you’re considering a life that involves the sacrifices of someone else’s?

I love my husband to death and would always choose to be with him. I’ve been pretty lucky with his DC, we now have a shared one too, and life is generally happy if complicated at times. But I wouldn’t recommend step parenting unless you’re made of stern stuff, have incredibly strong boundaries and have a good sense of what sort of parent you’re with.

I’m sure you’ll get a range of responses, I hope so, but you’d do as well to read some of the many threads on this board for a sense of the potential struggles ahead.

It’s impossible to underestimate the burden of separated parent guilt and what that can do to a person and their sense of boundaries, priorities and balance in life. If the ex is hostile and/or the break up was complicated you’re in for a very difficult time.

But I think my first point is the one I hope you consider. I always knew I wanted children of my own but the sacrifices - time, energy, space, finances - of investing in someone who has children are still a heavy burden at times. It made having our baby an easier transition as I was used to having no spare time or money

Honestly although I don't regret being with my partner, I would 100% advise someone who is still in the early stages and not emotionally invested to get out and avoid it like the plague in future. The fact that you already have doubts about it being for you would make it even more of a no brainer for me.

I don’t have children of my own, and have a 14 year old step daughter. When I got together with now DH, she was 3 and I was 22. I love DH, and DSD both very very much, and if I had to do it again for them both I would. But knowing what I know now I wouldn’t date any other man with a child. It was hard, so hard, developing a relationship when it was with both of them, not just the two of us. And learning how the dynamic works when you’re a clueless & childless is bloody hard. His ex was (of course) always in the picture and now the three of us have a good relationship but it wasn’t always that way. It is very difficult coming to terms with where you are in the priority order and why, when it feels like the two of you should be in the honeymoon period!

No. I have friends who have made it work and friends that haven’t. For me personally though, no I would not choose to do it again. It is by far the hardest thing that I’ve done and I feel like the whole experience is what causes me to be a person I don’t like (I’m so stressed it’s making me ill from the added pressure of more children to be responsible for and a Disney dad.) also regardless of the setup I think it’s the fact that another woman is part of your life whether you like it or not. That is hard.

Absolutely yes. My now adult step-children are as important to me as my natural children. That's me though and I had no doubts or reservations when my relationship with their mother got serious and was prepared to commit to them 100%. If you are not sure though then you really could be making a big mistake. Just like puppies, step-children are for life not just for Christmas, or at least they should be.

Absolutely not. But it’s too late now.
I shall be strongly recommending not getting together with someone who already has a child to my DD.

@Cigent I was in a five year relationship with a man with 3 kids & no, I wouldn't do it again.
I have 3 dc myself & so I thought it would be easier but it soooo wasn't.
Exdp & his exw split mutually & got on ok until he got serious with me & then she hit the roof. She was pretty vile about me & my dc & it really coloured my & my dc's relationship (or lack thereof) with his dc who were very rejecting of us.
As @AnneLovesGilbert said - if the ex is difficult you will be in for a very hard time. Nothing prepares you for the lack of agency you have over your own life & how far down the pecking order you'll be.

Absolutely no way in God's earth. Not because of my DSCs themselves but because of the dynamics that come with it.

It’s destroyed my mental health.

Probably not. I love DH and I love my now adult DSD but I’ve sacrificed a lot and even now sometimes the ex has more say over my time than I do.

Fuck no. Almost killed me. False allegations, court case then children being removed from mum and sent to us with a couple of hours notice.

Not if I didn’t want children. That’s like getting half the responsibility/impact of having kids - ie. having child filled weekends, early starts, children outings, holidays, restrictions on where to live, how long to be away for etc etc without the joys of actually being a parent.

If you don’t want to be a mother then you definitely don’t want to be a stepmother. Being a stepmother is just as hard as being a mother and involves similar sacrifices, but without the added bonus that the kids are your own blood and you love them. I’m already a mum to my own DC so it would be less of a problem to take on someone else’s DC as well. But no way would I have taken on someone else’s kids when I was child free.

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful.

I was thinking that I wouldn’t need to meet them for a long while, and even after that could basically just leave them and their dad to their own devices and wouldn’t need to be too involved, but I’m gathering that might not be the case.

You can’t just leave them and their dad to their own devices. What if their mum is unwell or dies and your partner gets custody? What if the kids get a bit older and decide they want to live with their dad? Are you prepared to be a full time stepmother? You can’t just opt out if they live with you.

Nope.

I have never been there, but I am crystal clear in my own mind. I know I am not cut out to be a step-parent. Not at all.

I think it is far better to be fully aware of my limitations, than to breeze blithely into a situation which is profoundly difficult, and then mess it up.

Children’s well-being (and, let’s be honest, mine as well) is at stake.

Yes. Met my DH when his kids were 7 and 9 and have been with him 25 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, and it’s been very hard work, but they are wonderful, and so great with my kids. And now I have a gorgeous granddaughter from my stepdaughter.

If you genuinely don't want children in your life, I highly recommend you end this now before it goes too far. The fact is you'll always be second place, and ironically if you're not, this man isn't worth a shit anyway.

It was hard work having step kids, but given a choice I would do it all over again. I adore my step kids and continue to have a relationship long after divorcing their dad. And best of all, my own dc's love their half siblings.

It is most certainly NOT a hands off experience.

@aSofaNearYou

Honestly although I don't regret being with my partner, I would 100% advise someone who is still in the early stages and not emotionally invested to get out and avoid it like the plague in future. The fact that you already have doubts about it being for you would make it even more of a no brainer for me.

A big yes to this.

It’s very difficult and I would not do it again.

Truthfully, no I wouldn’t. I love my DH very much and have no regrets but it’s been incredibly difficult being a Stepmum. We have had so much stress and hate from his ExW and one of my SDs that I am on anti depressants.
I would have loved children of my own and have tried very hard to be a good stepmum but I can’t do anything right and walk on eggshells in my own home when she is here.

Just to say OP that you are going to get a biased view here purely because those who come to post are those most likely to be facing issues.

In real life, many women are very happy step parents, even, if not more, when having no children of her own.

I think it depends on a number of factors. How emotionally independent are you? re you looking for a nan to share everything or just about with or someone who will provide companionship but who you'd be happy to have interests outside of yours.

What is the relationship with the ex. Whether friendly or not, is he emotionally involved with issues, disagreement and these form a significant enough part of his life.

What kind of father is he? Do you have an image of what you consider a good father? Don't go by what he says, even says he does but what you actually witness. Often you won't get a clear picture until you actually move in together and witness it on a regular basis.

How are his kids? Expecting perfect kids is not going to go far, but where they are not perfect, are these imperfections you can live with?

To start with, you'll need to focus on what you see that falls under the no go areas. After that, it gets more complicated. It's often no black and white. I've met quite a few SMs who would say they wouldn't change things but who at times wondered what they've done and considered leaving. It's not just a case if SM or not, but SM to these children with this man....at a specific time. Sometimes it starts well and then gradually gets bad until there is no going back. Sometimes it starts not do good but gets better and ends up good and sometimes it's good times and not such good times, but gradually getting better overall.

Absolutely not. Not in a million years

I love my DSD and I’d do it again in a heartbeat for her but I would always tell other people not to and I’d never do it again with another partner.
I knew when I got together with DH that his DD would always come first but I didn’t appreciate how much of an impact her mums decisions would have on my life and now my DCs lives.

My first husband had kids, when we split I flatly refused to date anyone with children, despite having one myself. My second husband has no children and the relief of not constantly dancing to his ex’s tune, as was the case with first husband, is brilliant.