Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

it does make sense!

sorry yes i absolutely am - i know my op is step parent focused! but to be honest i am interested in any views on this board.

Many non step parents can obviously see that its not the best place to post if you want support or reassurance!

And then there’s the inevitable insinuation that the SM must have been the evil OW first

I agree - I think this is often wrongly assumed based on others' experiences of having been cheated on by their exHs. In my case, my DP was the one cheated on by exW, following the discovery of which he left and met me shortly afterwards (along with other unforgivable behaviour on her part that breached trust in their marriage, which I won't go into). Yet if I were to post on here about struggling with his kids, or even her for that matter, she would be fiercely defended and I would be slated for being a step child hating evil woman. Some people sadly can't see past their own experiences to open their minds enough to consider possible alternatives... and that's what I'd never post on here for support or advice.

*that's why, not what!

Totally agree that there is real bitterness and nastiness whenever something is posted from a step parent perspective. They can never get it right according to many Mumsnet posters.

I do not have step children so I’m coming at it from the other perspective of being the haloed “first mum”. The general position is that we can do no wrong and that the ex and his partner must therefore be to blame by being too involved, not involved enough, too loving, too distant, having new children, not having new kids so focussing too much on step kids. The level of rancour and misery that these women project must affect their kids and their relationship with their dads and step mums.

I'd never post about step parenting issues. The majority of the restplies are absolutely vile.

I do not have step children so I’m coming at it from the other perspective of being the haloed “first mum”. The general position is that we can do no wrong and that the ex and his partner must therefore be to blame

So honest and refreshing to read... I'm pleased it can also be seen from the other perspective.

I'm not a step parent either!!

My DH is and he treats all the DC equally as he should.

The denial of poor biological Mums on MN drives me crazy at times.

@bufferingkisses see @louj85 reply

I’m not a SM anymore (thankfully), but as someone who was one for 10 years I have a lot of experience. I’ve been on MN since 2012, and I can say that this board is a lot better than it used to be.
There are some very strong minded posters on here these days, who argue back to the anti stepmum nasty and unreasonable comments that would have been treated as gospel say, 5 years ago. Now people don’t stand for it and they speak up when someone is being ridiculous or nasty.

It’s lovely to see and I’m so glad there is much more support these days.

I also find on here that no one things the ex can be unreasonable or crazy, your OH must be making it up. If you say you've experienced it first hand then it must be your own fault and something you did to upset her

@funinthesun19 I always value and appreciate your supportive posts, I think yourself, @asofanearyou and a few others have made this a better section

I'm not a step parent but I am getting divorced and in a relationship, as is my ex, so I've been interested in the step parenting boards as my children will perusing have a step mum and my partner will hopefully be a step dad, though he's currently very much just "mums boyfriend".

I have to say that, as it stands, I would be immensely wary of posting on this board about any issues I was concerned about. Mumsnet has areas where posters are very caring and gentle and areas that are cruel and relentless. Sadly SP seems to be one of the latter.

I think its got marginally better recently thanks to more posters calling out the blatant step mum bashing. Now that's not saying I think every stepmum is an angel, once in a while an op will need to be told they are in the wrong or really not suited the role but its the way stepmums seem to have to justify every bit of information they give with a massive backstory and the slightest moan about their situation must mean they hate their stepkids. What would be nice would be if this was a safe place for step parents to ask questions, talk about their feelings and challenges and have a little rant if they need to to other people who understand what they are talking about.

What i would like to see the end of:

'You knew he had kids when you met him'- yes but like biological children they don't come with a hand book and no one is able to determine exactly how they will think act and feel in future situations when they first meet them!

once in a while an op will need to be told they are in the wrong or really not suited the role

I'm not sure I agree with the part about not being suited to the role. It's not a job role, it's a life choice based on loving a person. Can you imagine telling a mum who sought support for her own DC, "sorry but you just aren't suited to the role of being a mum". What is she supposed to do with that? It's too late - she already is one. It's not as if she's going to respond with "thanks that's helpful, I'll leave my DP straight away". It's never that straightforward. Once you're involved, the role is tied up in all sorts of emotion and ties to people we love. Just walking away because an MN poster deems you unsuitable for the role is in my view often no easier or useful a suggestion than telling a mum to walk away from her children as she isn't suited to the role.

Back when I first joined MN this section was awful, I actually only joined to ask a question about my own step child but seeing the responses to threads that were already up I decided not to.

I've only recently ventured back to this section after a thread not too long ago popped up in the active section.

Step parents still seem to get a linching but it does seem to be less so and there's more posters around that shut that down.

I still have my question from 5 years ago when I first joined but still don't feel confident enough with this section to post.

I think that to some women, the idea of their partner and them splitting and them then having to hand their children over to him and his future partner is terrifying. Step mothers embody that and they take their fear and insecurity out on us.

I was once accused of having an "unnatural interest" in my dsd because I'd put sanitary towels in the bathroom when it seemed like she might start her periods soon. This was a clear projection of a fear of another woman taking over what the mother considered to be her job.

I would never post on this board looking for support.

I feel every SM needs to set out every inch or her life by confirming she’s not the OW/has her own children/adores the SC/how often they have the SC/how much CMS her DH pays before she will be heard, or more likely then ignored if all those points prove satisfactory or misconstrued into a negative in whatever light they can. As people have said above; 50:50 unsettling, but Dad not doing enough if he has them any less.

SM’s can do no right on here. It’s exhausting to read sometimes, I’m always surprised at how committed some posters are to discrediting another person.

@KylieKoKo

I have never heard anyone say " you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant" to a struggling mother!

Sadly this is actually a very common thing for the worst posters to say - they'll post about an abusive partner or husband and the bellends will, without fail, ask her why she had children with such a prick. Cause that's super helpful!

I think step parents get a really hard rap on here, a lot of posters project their own insecurities or hatred onto anyone who dares suggest they're struggling with step-children.

SM’s can do no right on here. It’s exhausting to read sometimes

Ditto non resident fathers it seems. Both seem to get an overly hard time from what I've seen.

Please ask your question InsertCoolHalloweenNameHere

There are many kind, funny, wise women on here who might be able to help you. If it’s lasted 5 years it must be important to you!

Interesting thread OP. It’s got better and much wiser and recently better again I think. I’ve had vast amounts of support from MN over the years about all sorts of things and I’ve learnt plenty from reading this board though haven’t started a thread in some time. On the whole, you may as well post a kick me sticker on your face. But as discussed, it’s not just this particular board, admitting to being a step parent, a step mum in particular, tends to attract the vultures. The vipers I don’t mind but the kill it then pick your bones of the carcass types are another story. Angry ex wives are an issue as are people who hated their step parents and use the ones who dare to post on here as revenge targets. You have to pity them.

The current crop of step mums who seem to aim for and achieve balance in their blended lives are a refreshing change. And there have been some long threads in the last few months where the tone seems much more reasonable.

@InsertCoolHalloweenNameHere

Me too - I have a number of questions that I'll never ask on here!

Not sure I am allowed to comment here or not.. I've sometimes felt I shouldn't. I'm now a single Mum who has a DC who spends time at their Dad's.

I've wanted in recent years to post here for other stepparent views on some of the issues I face with my ex / DCs stepmum, but based on some of the threads I've read I've never done so as I don't feel I'd get 'helpful' answers - rather I'd be eaten alive... I do however recognize I'm very sensitive about the topic as I feel so much pressure to get it ''right' for my DC sake.

I will say I find the single parent board pretty balanced in that the answer depends on the post - if the poster is looking for posters to agree when they're being totally unreasonable to their ex, they'll be told in the nicest possible way that they are the unreasonable party. If the ex is being unreasonable, they will get support for the most part. Not all single parents have step families though, and I've always though those living it get the dynamics better if that makes sense.

@LyingDogsLie1

I would never post on this board looking for support.

I feel every SM needs to set out every inch or her life by confirming she’s not the OW/has her own children/adores the SC/how often they have the SC/how much CMS her DH pays before she will be heard, or more likely then ignored if all those points prove satisfactory or misconstrued into a negative in whatever light they can. As people have said above; 50:50 unsettling, but Dad not doing enough if he has them any less.

SM’s can do no right on here. It’s exhausting to read sometimes, I’m always surprised at how committed some posters are to discrediting another person.

:-) this made me chuckle.. so true.

@LouJ85 you are right perhaps I should have expanded on that. I've seen a couple of posts (and it really is only a couple) where an op is expressing quite a strong dislike of their step children or having to share their partners time quite early on in the relationship and I sometimes think in those situations its may be that they are not ready for the kind of responsibility being with a man with children involves. That doesn't mean they deserve the abuse they often get though, what they need is people with experience offering genuine advice.

A couple of years ago some of us formed a private Facebook page for step mums as we got so pissed off with the snarky attitudes on here towards SMs.

You come on MN and complain about your own DCs being lazy little shits and get told you’re not doing them any favours and that they should be doing chores, being polite, having screen time limits etc they need parenting, not a best friend.

You come on and complain about a DSC being rude or lazy and you get told that they didn’t ask for you in their life, you’re probably the OW, they only see their dad every other weekend so you shouldn’t expect anything useful from them (even when you spell out that it’s 50/50 or more) and that you should step back and not parent them in any way (even if they live in your house) as they have two parents already. (Even if they are both doing a shocking job of it).

Not to mention the old favourites “do those kids a favour and leave him, they don’t deserve someone who clearly hates them in their life” and “you knew what you were letting yourself in for when you got together with a dad”. Errr no we didn’t.

We got so sick of it that we started our own breakaway group and avoid this place like the plague. MNHQ should moderate it better, and certain posters (you know who you are!) should keep the fuck away from the board as they’re not even a step parent and are clearly projecting as they have an axe to grind with their own parents/step parents.