Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

I can't stand "you knew what you were getting yourself into". Would you say that do a parent with a high needs child? To someone who was having a stressful day at work? To someone who had a car accident?! I think it should be banned from this board. It's offensive and shoddy @MHHQ.

Agreed times 100. It's literally the least helpful comment in the world, in ANY context, not just stepparenting. You could apply that to the RP mums "left" at home with the kids because Dad "walked out" and started a new family. They new what they were getting into, didn't they? When they married him, and had his kids? They knew he'd walk out eventually, right? How blind sighted of them all... No. Of course they bloody well didn't know. No more than a stepmum knows what it's going to be like either.

Yep. I have found myself challenging posters for saying this over the last few days. You might as well turn it round and say 'well, you knew blended families are terrible so why did you let your marriage end' why did you let this happen to your children? Which would be equally missing the point.

@Beamur

Yep. I have found myself challenging posters for saying this over the last few days. You might as well turn it round and say 'well, you knew blended families are terrible so why did you let your marriage end' why did you let this happen to your children? Which would be equally missing the point.

Absolutely!!

@Beamur

Yep. I have found myself challenging posters for saying this over the last few days. You might as well turn it round and say 'well, you knew blended families are terrible so why did you let your marriage end' why did you let this happen to your children? Which would be equally missing the point.

Yup!

Yep. I have found myself challenging posters for saying this over the last few days. You might as well turn it round and say 'well, you knew blended families are terrible so why did you let your marriage end' why did you let this happen to your children? Which would be equally missing the point.

I have thought this so many times. The parents are the people more likely to know the reality of various aspects of having children as well, especially compared to childless step parents. I laugh when I see people tell a step parent with no prior experience of children that they knew what they were getting into.

You might as well turn it round and say 'well, you knew blended families are terrible so why did you let your marriage end' why did you let this happen to your children?

But then you get the "Ah but he left me, I didn't choose any of this."

Ironically they think they're disproving your point whereas in fact they're actually posting a flashing beacon to say "I have an axe to grind with my shitty ex (and the OW, if there was one) so I'll project my anger here instead."

I think the difference between the what goes on in the Step Parenting board vs elsewhere on MN is that the projection on here is often targeted directly at poster needing support, as opposed to e.g Relationships where the projection is more along the lines of OP is the wronged party and all men are arseholes type thing. Neither is healthy but one often results in personal attacks and negative assumptions about the OP whilst the other doesn't.

I get that some people are very hurt by divorce and I don't come on here to bash anyone. Women do generally come off worse financially and men (generally) see less of their kids. My parents were divorced, I have seen both sides.
Personally, I had zero experience of looking after kids. I grew up without siblings, very few of my friends had kids, when I suddenly found myself with a boyfriend who had his kids 50% of the time. It was a massive lifestyle change for me. I did not always like it!

I think it’s true that the projection is often aimed at the posters on here, and it’s often hugely personal and plain mean.

The fact is, no one could have any idea what they’re getting into when they embark upon a relationship where there will be stepchildren. There’s no real way to understand how tough it might be to have other people’s children (and they are other people’s children - a fact that you find yourself reminded of all the time) live in your house a significant proportion of the time. And those children spend significant amounts of time with your partner’s ex, who comes to have vicarious (and not so vicarious) influence over your life in ways you could not possibly anticipate.

And even if it were something you could anticipate, people posting as they try to navigate the complexities of life in a blended family deserve support and sympathy like everyone else. Not all this ‘you’ve made your bed; lie in it’ crap.

There’s just so much entitlement around stepchildren (from their parents and beyond) that the simple fact that stepparents have no obligation towards stepchildren (beyond the basic courtesy and kindness humans should show to one another) gets forgotten. Anything stepparents do to help their partners with their children should be seen as a kindness and something to be grateful for. So many of the stepmothers posting on here are doing so much for their partner’s children, too often with no thanks at all (or, often, criticism for it).

My DS has a stepmother. She is a really lovely person. I am grateful that she’s been a really positive part of his life - even more so because she has been under no obligation to do any of the things (big and small) she’s done for him over the years. I also would be grateful to her if she felt he needed told off or disciplined (because he often does). I would just sympathise with her if she lost her rag with him (even if she was overreacting). I also find myself in that situation and I know exactly what he’s like.

If anything, the experience of being a SM myself makes me want to hug my son’s SM and say ‘you’ve been amazing’ because (a) I know how frustrating and difficult DS can be and (b) I know how little interest my ex has in being anything other than a Disney dad (and how frustrating that must be for his wife).

So many of the stepmothers posting on here are doing so much for their partner’s children, too often with no thanks at all (or, often, criticism for it).

And this is precisely why I refuse to parent my partner's children in any way whatsoever. They are more than welcome in our home, but they come only on the strict understanding between myself and DP that they are not my concern any further than politeness and the same courtesy I would show to, say, my daughter's friend if she came over. He pays for them, he cooks for them, he cleans up after them, he disciplines them, and he takes them out places (inviting and my daughter if we wish to join in but never with any expectation that we must). It works for us. I'd not accept anything else.

@LouJ85

So many of the stepmothers posting on here are doing so much for their partner’s children, too often with no thanks at all (or, often, criticism for it).

And this is precisely why I refuse to parent my partner's children in any way whatsoever. They are more than welcome in our home, but they come only on the strict understanding between myself and DP that they are not my concern any further than politeness and the same courtesy I would show to, say, my daughter's friend if she came over. He pays for them, he cooks for them, he cleans up after them, he disciplines them, and he takes them out places (inviting and my daughter if we wish to join in but never with any expectation that we must). It works for us. I'd not accept anything else.

I think you’ve got the right idea.

Thing is, so many of us SM’s were naive and foolish, and didn’t start out with these kind of boundaries. I certainly didn’t.

I think the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ is often a good summary of how stepmothering plays out. Woman meets man, falls in love, tries her best with his children, helps out with all sorts of things... and ends up with a life full of expectations, lack of gratitude, and outright criticism.

It seems like refusing to help with the kids or even refusing to do things like read with them is the ‘mean’ thing to do. So the new SM does these things. And before she knows it, she’s stuck supervising homework, cooking dinners that don’t get eaten or are moaned about, reading bedtime stories every night they’re there, organising activities for the kids, etc, and has little time to herself. Meanwhile her husband isn’t doing these things, and seems to have plenty of time to just go on a bike ride/to the gym/play videogames. And what is more, she’s the evil SM if she objects to any of it or if she wants the kids to, for example, not throw a tantrum because there’s broccoli on their plate.

So well done you for having boundaries from the start, and for making all that space for your husband to parent his children in.

It seems like refusing to help with the kids or even refusing to do things like read with them is the ‘mean’ thing to do. So the new SM does these things.

Exactly this. There's a poster on here who bangs on about new SMs doing these things in a desperate bid to impress her new DP but that's rarely the case in IMO - you do it simply because you want to bond with your DSC for their sakes and reassure them that you'll be a positive presence in their lives. Nothing to do with proving yourself as potential wife material to your DP. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that you can have any idea how easily the situation can spiral oh wait how silly, I knew what I was fucking getting into

That's exactly what happened to me. I wasn't living with DH (then DP) and keeping fairly hands off with the kids. One morning we had a very distressed DSS on our hands, there was no clean underwear ready. DP was working full time, with an hour plus commute to work, trying to spend time with me and had the children half the time. There just were not enough hours in the day. So I did some laundry and some shopping, noticed that the kids needed new clothes, bought the clothes, etc...
I didn't do any of this to impress anyone. But I was affected by a little boy crying because he didn't have any clean pants and realising my poor DP was run off his feet trying to do it all. But, I have always had pretty firm boundaries about what I wasn't there for. I didn't do school runs (unless it was en route) I didn't do baby sitting or child minding, I didn't do holiday cover. But I would help make their home clean, welcoming and safe.

Thing is, so many of us SM’s were naive and foolish, and didn’t start out with these kind of boundaries. I certainly didn’t.

I think the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ is often a good summary of how stepmothering plays out. Woman meets man, falls in love, tries her best with his children, helps out with all sorts of things... and ends up with a life full of expectations, lack of gratitude, and outright criticism.

You’ve hit the nail on the head right there @KumquatSalad ...... I was one of the naive, well-intentioned ones. You live and learn.

Absolutely! I never got involved with DSS because I wanted to impress dp I wasnt even sure I wanted marriage and children at that point. I tried with DSS because well, why wouldn't you? I did end up parenting mainly because his mother dropped him on me at any opportunity, and then because he moved in with us and frankly, my house my rules and I was home more than dp. Since he's moved out and I had it all thrown back in my face, I do absolutely nothing. And tbh I don't know how I feel about it because his life has gone to shit. He spends more time at his girlfriend's mother's house than anywhere else, they're allowed to behave like adults in every sense of the word, which I am not completely against - treat them like adults and they'll behave like them - but there are no boundaries. Same at his mum's house, which, was why he moved back out. His grades are shit, attendance is shit, prospects are shit. I feel like the entire time I have spent putting effort in with him has been wasted.

So well done you for having boundaries from the start, and for making all that space for your husband to parent his children in.

@KumquatSalad

Don't get me wrong I didn't set the boundaries straight away. I started off cooking for them, joining in days out etc ... But little things started to slowly irritate me, in particular his daughter's stroppiness and crocodile tears at the dinner table because she "didn't like" the food I'd made despite having eaten it before. I started off trying to address it with gentle comments like "come on, you've had this before..." to no avail except being met with a scowl, etc. Then as soon as DP walked into the room, instant crocodile tears from her, and he'd be sucked in to it all. I'd be like she literally wasn't crying 2 mins ago, she was scowling at me. 🙄

So this went on for about 6 months or so into our relationship, after which I realised how it was making me feel and I knew I'd end up resenting him and his kids if it carried on. So I sat down with DP and said no more, I love you, but I'm not putting myself in that situation anymore. Your kids, your issue. And he stepped up and just got on with it. So I guess I was lucky I caught it early and realised how it was making me feel, early enough in the relationship to set my stall out, so to speak. And equally lucky that he understood and was more than happy for me to have as much or as little role as I felt happy with. So over time, its evolved to me doing very little when his kids are with us and naturally has become more like "quality time with dad" instead of us all. I much prefer it.

So I sat down with DP and said no more, I love you, but I'm not putting myself in that situation anymore. Your kids, your issue. And he stepped up and just got on with it. So I guess I was lucky I caught it early and realised how it was making me feel, early enough in the relationship to set my stall out, so to speak. And equally lucky that he understood and was more than happy for me to have as much or as little role as I felt happy with

I think this is probably the most important bit. You recognised it, spoke to your DP and he stepped up. That’s really the key thing.

So many of us are met with nonsense about how we’re being ‘divisive’ and excluding the SC or similar.

In my house it would play out as follows: DSD sulks and refuses to eat dinner. She scowls at me if I say anything or do so much as look st her. Her dad comes in and there are crocodile tears (with ‘fuck you’ looks at me). I say to DH that I can’t do it any more. I can’t cook for her or eat with her. He gets upset and angry about it. Claims we are ‘a family’ and other such stuff. Says we just need to work together to improve her dinner time behaviour. And DSD’s behaviour becomes more entrenched and gets worse.

He gets upset and angry about it. Claims we are ‘a family’ and other such stuff. Says we just need to work together to improve her dinner time behaviour.

That's really tough, and probably where the problem lies. You don't need to work on it together because they aren't your children. Next time just arrange to be out for the day when they come over - he can 'work on it' by himself then. 👍🏻

There have been times DP has asked me if I'll come along to x y or z with him and his kids because "it would be nice to have you there" - but there's never an expectation or a need. And I think that's the difference. He wants me to join in certain stuff and might feel disappointed if I chose not to, but he wouldn't get angry or expect me to be "working on" parenting his kids with him. I couldn't be with someone with that expectation.

It's the same with my DD - there's never any expectation of parenting on my part (despite the fact the 3 of us live together so he sees my DD more than he sees his kids). At times he does step in and "do the discipline" (through his own choice), but I'll tell him if I disagree or think he's out of line and he'll step back and let me deal with it.

It's not been easy to navigate but we're on the same page now, which is what matters. And we have our own little one on the way too (due April next year), so that may shift the dynamics somewhat!

No, I don't feel it's a safe space, and wouldn't post an issue here, although I agree it's got better recently. When I first joined MN a few years ago, every post on the SP board would start with something along the lines of "No I wasn't the OW, yes DH/DP pays maintenance over CMS rate". I never understood why SM's were having to justify themselves until I spent a bit of time here.

There are a large number of EXDW's on this site who have an axe to grind with their EXDH and his subsequent DW, so take whatever anger they are carrying and project it onto the OP.

Now that I'm splitting with my DO, all I want is for my DC new SM (whenever DP finds a willing victim) to be kind to them. She doesn't need to love them as her own, I'd just like her to treat them as she would a niece or nephew, and don't plan on interfering in my EXDP's new life.

It's not been easy to navigate but we're on the same page now, which is what matters. And we have our own little one on the way too (due April next year), so that may shift the dynamics somewhat!

That is good. Hopefully you can stay on the same page.

Having a baby together seemed to spur on this ‘we’re a family’ stuff here. Before that he’d get annoyed at me telling his little horrors off (mostly because he wouldn’t and I didn’t want my sofa broken by then jumping on it, for example, especially when they’d already broken one sofa that way). Now he’s all ‘you should think of them as your children’ (which is an impossibility as they’re not my children).

Now he’s all ‘you should think of them as your children’ (which is an impossibility as they’re not my children).

This is so unreasonable! It actually makes me angry on your behalf. No you absolutely shouldn't "think of them as your children"! I'm assuming they have a mother already?? Having a baby with him doesn't automatically make his other kids yours! Urgh, what utter bollocks!! (can you tell I feel strongly about this 😂)

Thing is, he does actually mean well with it. He just hasn’t thought it through. He naively doesn’t recognise that we are a blended family. And it’s not ever the same as a nuclear family.

If it were I wouldn’t constantly have to hear about how everything mammy does is better than anything I could do. Would I?

Oh dear. There is a nrp getting the shit ripped out of him now. MRA has been mentioned. Boreeeee offff.

I don’t think he deserved the abuse, but I can’t say I agree with his idea. We all have bad ideas at some point, and that was his moment. I wouldn’t want to be called “mummy” to a partner’s child, so I guess that clouds it a bit for me.

@funinthesun19

I don’t think he deserved the abuse, but I can’t say I agree with his idea. We all have bad ideas at some point, and that was his moment. I wouldn’t want to be called “mummy” to a partner’s child, so I guess that clouds it a bit for me.

Oh Christ no I don't agree with it though I didn't read it as that was what he wanted. He didn't deserve the abuse as nobody does! It's all the MRA bollocks that annoys me.

I didn’t read the comments fully but I could see that he was getting a tough time and some people were being quite hysterical. No need for it!