Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

I think the issue with the supportive thread idea is that people would still be able to post what they like on it, it's already started with this one

@Isthatitnow

You might think someones husband is shit, but if they didn't ask about that and the thread was unrelated - why is it allowed to stand?

Many step parenting issues could be solved by someone's husband actually doing some parenting. It's not unreasonable for people to point that out.

if a single mum posted in the single parent boards she wasnt coping etc she would get supportive comments

Situations are rarely comparable. There are plenty of step parents who post in the lone parents threads and single parents generally get lamblasted on this site for many things outside of their control.

Again it's not unreasonable to point something out if you do it in a constructive way. If you genuinely think it's helpful to the op or others. I don't think a lot of posters could claim that their comments are anything more than mean, and meant to hurt.

@KumquatSalad

I agree that this board is awful and requires a great deal of name changing to use. I wouldn’t start a thread, but I do sometimes feel it’s important to post things that are true but will attract vitriol from the ‘you knew what you were getting in to/DSC ARE just more important’ crowd.

And then there’s the inevitable insinuation that the SM must have been the evil OW first.

I don’t know what MN could do really. Threads on here really attract people determined to blame evil SMs for everything. And who seem to be incapable of actually reading threads or even individual posts that don’t support their indignation that anyone dares not to see their stepchildren as akin to the second coming.

It’s frustrating because it all gets derailed by this crap and the key issue that arises on just about every thread gets lost and ignored. Because, the thing is, it’s almost always a problem with the father of the children at root. Posts about disrespectful and poorly behaved stepchildren are almost always really about a man failing to parent his children because of divorced dad guilt. Posts about the nightmare ex are generally about a man who has failed to put boundaries in place and who makes his ex his current partner’s problem. Posts about childcare issues are almost always about a man who hasn’t arranged his contact schedule to suit his availability or who won’t give up hobbies/free time because he’s arranged to have his kids. Posts about space in the house are very often about a man who expects his children to be prioritised above everyone else or who hasn’t made proper arrangements for his children.

At every turn we blame women and, in doing so, let men off the hook. Stepmothering would be so much easier if fathers took their responsibilities seriously and if everyone else did this too.

Men are often an issue but I don't think it's fair to say that most issues they are to blame. That adds to the issue imo. Yes, point it out when it's true! It can be helpful. Certainly me and dp had issues with boundaries and when he grew some balls it helped immensely. However it didn't eradicate the issue because of course his ex is still there, still awful and still tried to get to me. So someone saying at that point it's all your dps fault - not helpful.

I don't like this pretence that bad ex wives don't exist. They do. I don't like being told dp has spun me a line about her behaviour. He didn't. He was always v pleasant about her and I've seen all her bad behaviour with my own eyes.

I think an acceptance that everyone's situation is different. Yes sometimes the sm is to blame. Sometimes its dad. Sometimes it's the ex. Sometimes none of them and sometimes all!

I remember at the beginning of lockdown in March back when everyone was terrified of covid -19 there were two threads.

One was a mother saying that she didn't think it was safe to send her child to their father's house because she thought his other children were a risk. She was supported.

A step-mother with a newborn baby posted that she was scared of her SCs posing a risk to her baby and she was lambasted and told existing children come first as if her baby didn't exist.

The only thing different in two the situations was that one was a step mother.

I haven't been on the forum for very long, but I have not seen anything that I would consider abusive. I have seen strongly worded opinions, but I just viewed the responses to be those about subjects that resonated with the person posting.

None of these people know each other ,so no one is attacking a person. The most extreme interpretation is that a person may be attacking a particular point of view, but in the end we may all learn a bit from the varying points of view.

I hope to learn from the varying points of view and maybe to avoid pitfalls that I have not yet experienced.

I guess I did not come to the forum looking for support instead I came looking for perspectives or even a way to respond to a particular situation that I was experiencing.

It is sad when people are so unhappy and fragile that the perspective of strangers leave them feeling personally attacked. I am sure that we can fell sad or sorry for that person while separating our thoughts about the situation from our empathy with the obvious fragility of the poster.

I guess that I see differing opinions but not malicious intent but that is just my pic.

It is sad when people are so unhappy and fragile that the perspective of strangers leave them feeling personally attacked.

Nice bit of victim blaming there.
Would it be Ok for someone to comment on broken mother of a new-born who is feeling low and tell her she knew what she was getting into and should have kept her legs closed? Would she be being fragile if she objected to their "opinion"?

Or does it change when you are talking to a mother rather than a step mothers?

@tiredoftattler well, being completely honest, i don't believe that. I have been on some of the same threads as you and there has definitely been abusive comments.

Just because you don't know someone doesn't mean it's not an attack. I don't know you, but if i called you names, it would still be an attack. If i said i felt sorry for your children having you as a mother or step mother - it would be an attack. It doesn't matter that we don't know each other. Its still nasty, it's still hurtful and it's still what makes this board an unpleasant place.

I don't think we can learn much from comments like these - other than "this is how not to behave".

It isn't that people are "so unhappy and fragile" that the perspective of strangers upsets them - the comments are upsetting. You don't need to be unhappy or fragile to not particularly like being called a horrible person, told that you obviously hate your step children, called selfish, stupid etc. All these things have been said on this board, and are said, frequently.

People can still have thoughts, they can still have an opinion, but why do people feel entitled to be so vile with it?

I might think a poster is in the wrong, and if they're asking for advice i will give it. I am not scared to disagree with a step parent, and because i've been through a lot i feel i can comment, and be helpful with it. However, a lot of people comment because they simply just want to have a go.

If anyone is unhappy and fragile it is these posters who are nasty to others just to make themselves feel better for a fleeting moment. It's basically trolling.

I posted a few times when I had just become a step mum, this had involved a relocation and job change too and so i felt extremely vulnerable and was beating myself up for not being 100% in love with them straight away. All I needed was someone to tell me feeling grow slowly and to not be so hard on myself but people didn't, they were absolutely vicious. I was the root of all evil i hated them and the children knew etc etc. It really pushed me over the edge and I had to get counselling / antidepressants. I don't bother now and might only very rarely comment if they are having a pile on again.

Btw small children can't tell. My sd's quite clearly think they've always been the apples of my eyes and would rather sit with me than anyone else. People talk utter nonsense.

for instance, here's a nice example. Posted on a thread of a SM who is worried the DSS is a bad influence on her 10mo.

Your DH only allows his kids over at most 6 days a month. Frankly if he manages to be a bad influence to a 10 month old on such little contact then you’re shit parents

now, lets keep in mind there is no background info of why the contact schedule is as it is. There is no reason for this poster to a) mention this or b) blame it on the DH.

heres another example from a different thread;

This is probably the reason why often dads dont see their kids, because the other woman prefers time with the kids
Mine hasnt seen his since March and she says exactly the same thing as OH
Why should I have time with his kids hence why they are always with me because she nags him too much for him to want the ear ache when he has them...
Maybe you should get with someone who doesnt have kids??

shes unhappy with her own situation, so having a go at someone else (who has done nothing wrong! the thread was a general is it normal to prefer none contact days thread)

If you want to deny that this happens, then fine. But it does, and i for one am sick of it.

@Tiredoftattler you have a very unique way of describing every possible feeling as permissible in children, but anything adults might feel as their fault for feeling that way. It always seems to be your view that no adult is ever in the wrong or should compromise on their behaviour, other than the person weak enough to be hurt by it.

Your views, which often disagree with SPs, are always pragmatic in the way they are expressed, but not everyone is like that. Many posters do write comments in ways that are purely designed to insult and hurt, and they are accountable for doing so. It's not the other person's fault for feeling insulted and hurt. There may not be much you can do prevent people from making such comments without it ceasing to be an "open" forum, but that doesn't mean they aren't still to blame for deliberately malicious statements.

she was lambasted and told existing children come first as if her baby didn't exist
Another twatty little line that flies around this board - stating that the DSC are the “existing” children and therefore that the other children either don’t exist (might as well not according to some posters) or that their existence matters less. Just horrible.

I am absolutely horrified at some of the posters that come on and are truly vile. When I have posted about a Mum that I know that full throttle carried out parental alienation to wards her ex H I have been shot down etc

There does seem to be a bulk of posters that REFUSE to accept that some mothers are not lovely wholesome parents even when a poster has years of documented evidence and examples to the contrary.

It should be a safer board than it currently is, yes the opinion from the other position can be invaluable but not the vitriolic ones.

I think people only comment on the posts that relate to them in some way so some people tend to get heated because it might relate to their own situation

I don’t think it’s supportive, no. I check in and will defend posters I feel are being unduly attacked, but I have never and probably never will start a thread about my own problems as a step parent. I just don’t need the stress of a pile on in my life.

This.

I've read some disgusting attacks on step parents on here, enough to put me off ever seeking advice for myself.

There's a real bias on mn from what I can see in favour of the mum "left behind" while the step mum starts a cosy new life with her ex husband, and wants the kids around as little as possible. At least that's the perceived and dominant narrative. Not all step mums "stole" the husband or were ever the other woman, nor do they all "hate" the kids etc... but that's the dominant narrative and it sadly leads to projection and misplaced anger on here. IMHO.

There does seem to be a bulk of posters that REFUSE to accept that some mothers are not lovely wholesome parents even when a poster has years of documented evidence and examples to the contrary.

Yup. Poor mum "left at home with the kids", she can do no wrong. Ever. Witnessed this a lot too.

It is sad when people are so unhappy and fragile that the perspective of strangers leave them feeling personally attacked.

Or.... flipping that coin on its head. It's sad when people are so bitter from their own experiences that they must project unwarranted hatred onto and launch personal attacks upon people who come to seek support.

I would never start a post on here. I come on here for reassurance that it’s not just me who struggles as I feel so much of failure, so much so that between the SC and EXW I am on antidepressants.
Perhaps it’s a case of when some posters are being ‘attacked’ that rather than do a sharp intake of breath we actually call out the rudeness & how unhelpful the comment is?

@Namealreadyinuse1

I would never start a post on here. I come on here for reassurance that it’s not just me who struggles as I feel so much of failure, so much so that between the SC and EXW I am on antidepressants. Perhaps it’s a case of when some posters are being ‘attacked’ that rather than do a sharp intake of breath we actually call out the rudeness & how unhelpful the comment is?

I have been trying to do just that, though it has got me nowhere.

I commented on a thread yesterday pointing out how unhelpful it is that posters were just commenting "your husband is a shit dad" basically and ignoring the actual question the OP had asked.

I got accused of having a "stressful life or job" and that was why i was so angry - apparently.

No, i was angry because yet again i was watching someone who just wanted some advice and opinions get slaughtered on something completely irrelevant. I reported that post to MN and they let it stand because it was "a discussion" - no, it wasn't it was someone telling me what my life was like, what i thought, how i felt. Apparently that is ok according to MN.

MN don't give a shit about step parents - that's why i started this thread, to prove to them that a lot of posters feel the same way as me. They deny this is the case.

I'm not a step-parent and I agree with you. There re double standards all over MN, but it's especially bad when an OP is made by a step-parent.

Many posters respond based on the baggage they themselves carry, and don't seem to be able to bear in mind that the OP isn't their ex's new partner and their circumstances are totally different. It's like they read the OP and a switch is flipped.

How many that have replied to this post are step parents I wonder?

Why Stantons? Does someone need to/need not to be a step parent to have a valid opinion on the type of responses often seen on a section of mumsnet?

Why Stantons? Does someone need to/need not to be a step parent to have a valid opinion on the type of responses often seen on a section of mumsnet?

Rather than it being about validity of differing viewpoints... I suspect the question is being asked because the title of the OP is "Calling all step parents..." and then asks how supportive step parents find it on here. It follows that if you're not a step parent, you can't possibly answer the question of how supportive it feels on here because your subjective experience is not that of the population the OP is enquiring about. It's a bit like responding to a research question exploring the experiences of single mums when you aren't a single mum and have never been one... just my view.

Just to clarify - i am interested in the views of none step parents as well, so thank you for all of those, but i did primarily want to know if step parents felt they could use this board as after all it is intended for threads about step parenting! Like i say @MNHQ dont think there is a problem here, and i wanted to put it to them that quite a few of us think there is!

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Just to clarify - i am interested in the views of none step parents as well, so thank you for all of those, but i did primarily want to know if step parents felt they could use this board as after all it is intended for threads about step parenting! Like i say *@MNHQ* dont think there is a problem here, and i wanted to put it to them that quite a few of us think there is!

That's a useful clarification as I'm not sure that was clear in your OP.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I meant it wasn't clear that you were also interested in the views and feelings of non step parents... not sure if that makes sense?! I have baby brain.... 😂