Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

Any other new mum on here gets told that she should do whatever she wants and needs when she has a newborn. Ban visitors, stop her OH going out etc etc. But as soon as that woman is revealed as an SM as well as a new mum she should just get over herself and understand that she and her baby deserve no consideration at all.

And I bet if she needed some time to settle in while her own older children were with granny that would be perfectly ok. But as soon as it’s stepchildren it’s a completely different story. And there should be no giving attention to the baby instead of baking with the stepchildren as soon as she walks in from the hospital. Stepchildren come first over the hungry baby.

That’s positive MN.

And I bet if she needed some time to settle in while her own older children were with granny that would be perfectly ok. But as soon as it’s stepchildren it’s a completely different story. And there should be no giving attention to the baby instead of baking with the stepchildren as soon as she walks in from the hospital. Stepchildren come first over the hungry baby.

Yep! It's just so unfair.

It's a bizarre stance as well. So many times I read 'If they were your own children you wouldn't be able to not have them around until you're more comfortable at home with your new baby"...........but they're not so that option IS there? Surely most mums would take the option to have a few days to just recover if they had that option there.

*And I bet if she needed some time to settle in while her own older children were with granny that would be perfectly ok. But as soon as it’s stepchildren it’s a completely different story. And there should be no giving attention to the baby instead of baking with the stepchildren as soon as she walks in from the hospital. Stepchildren come first over the hungry baby.

Yep! It's just so unfair.

It's a bizarre stance as well. So many times I read 'If they were your own children you wouldn't be able to not have them around until you're more comfortable at home with your new baby"...........but they're not so that option IS there? Surely most mums would take the option to have a few days to just recover if they had that option there.*

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby together in April next year, and I'm absolutely dreading these discussions. DP would be perfectly fine with allowing the time just for us and newborn... His exW and mother, on the hand, would have an absolute fit at the mere suggestion. 🙄

This thread has been a revelation. I came here as a mum looking to learn from others who have succeeded to try make things easier with my ex / Dc's step mum. I sincerely thought those on here were step parents. I'm now realizing many aren't... what an eye opener. I thought it was step mums saying stuff like it's not ok to want your own time after birth etc to each other.. God I must be naïve.

Just to be real clear: All mothers are entitled to do whatever they need to do when they have a baby. This is NOT a slight to any child (step or otherwise). I willingly adjusted everything for weeks when my DC stepmum had a baby to give her time / space - it was a completely natural thing to do in my mind.

@Pinkyxx

I so wish you were my DP's ex!

I don't personally think this board should come up on active threads. I think it encourages people who have no real experience of the subjects being discussed coming on and bashing step parents because the reality doesn't quite fit the ideals that they think should be in their minds.

It's like a lot of things really. I don't think you can have anything constructive to really offer to a discussion about step parenting if you've no experience of it.

I do think that more than one perspective is a good thing. I actually found mumsnet when I first got together with DH because I was trying to get some perspective on DSDs mum and her behaviour towards me and my relationship with DH.

It’s a good thing to see posts from step children, parents of step children, anyone that’s involved in a “blended” situation, really. Wouldn’t want this to become an echo chamber. It just needs certain posters to stop being arseholes about it as they offer us all the benefit of their wisdom.

There was one thread that I found particularly nasty and ridiculous. I can’t remember how long ago, maybe a year or two ago now.
It was about the stepmum praising her 1 year old daughter on her achievements (eg walking, talking, using a cup, drawing etc) the typical things that we as parents get all excited about when our little ones do it. So all completely normal on the stepmum’s part.

Anyway, the 15 year old stepdaughter kept getting upset and jealous that she wasn’t being praised like the 1 year old. People told the op her dd wasn’t clever she’s just doing what 1 year olds do, it was weird to get so excited about her dd reaching milestones, she should tone it down in front of dsd, she should find something to praise dsd about at the same time if she praises her dd... it was just bonkers.

The thing is, a 15 year old is at a very different stage to a 1 year old who is learning all new things every single day. A 15 year old might get praised when they do well in an exam or in their hobby. But in general, the 1 year old is going to get more “Yaaaay!”s than a 15 year old.

It’s this type of shit that stepmums have to put up with. They can’t even praise their own baby without being made to feel guilty about the teenage stepchild, who probably got heaps of attention themselves when they were 1!

Stepchildren come first over the hungry baby

I don't think the hyperbole is necessary.

What you actually mean is if you want a week to yourself post-birth, people suggest that step children might actually want to be a part of things and meet their new sibling. It is pretty low to ignore that step children in a situation where there are new siblings may well feel a little wobbly and worried about their place in everything. Keeping them away for a couple of weeks - or more as I have seen suggested more than once - is hardly going to help that. There is a need, of course, to balance that with caring for a tired and sore new mum,. particularly if it's a first baby or the birth was difficult. There is a middle line and whether you like it or not, once there are step children, you don't get the same experience you would have had if your partner didn't have children. If you can't accept that - and many posters seem to struggle to - that's when you get the strong differences of opinion.

it is pretty shit being a child in that situation. And pretty shit being a mother in that situation who has to pacify and explain to a child that daddy does love them and nothing at all is going to change that. That should have come from dad. It frequently doesn't seem to and the negativity is reinforced if dad can't see them for a week or two because of the new baby.

@funinthesun19
I don’t remember that thread but it just seems like a joke, the unreasonable arguments you just recalled.
I would be telling my DSD to get over herself in that position, luckily my 9 year old DSD gets just as excited about DS milestones as is because, you know, he her baby brother and she loves him. Hard as that may be for some to hear if it doesn’t suit their narrative of half siblings destroying lives

I don't think the hyperbole is necessary

It kind of is. Because that’s how it feels.

@isthatitnow a week is perfectly reasonable after birth, depending on the birth maybe even 2. Yes the SC feelings need to be managed but the new mothers feelings are just as important, maybe even more so at that delicate stage

[quote Stantons]@isthatitnow a week is perfectly reasonable after birth, depending on the birth maybe even 2. Yes the SC feelings need to be managed but the new mothers feelings are just as important, maybe even more so at that delicate stage[/quote]
Absolutely.

My niece stayed with my Parents after the birth of her brother. She had a lovely time rather than being sidelined by her parents to the needs of a new baby.

Who would want to be overlooked immediately after the birth when they could have more normality and attention at home?

There’s two ways of looking at it and people always assume. Each child is different too.

Youseethethingis it’s was horrible. And was a typical nasty thread you’d find on here. Sometimes common sense flies out of the window when it comes to stepparenting threads. In the real world you just wouldn’t entertain a 15 year old being so ridiculous and self centred that they can’t just be happy that their 1 year sibling can now walk without it becoming all about them.

*It was horrible

it is pretty shit being a child in that situation. And pretty shit being a mother in that situation who has to pacify and explain to a child that daddy does love them and nothing at all is going to change that. That should have come from dad. It frequently doesn't seem to and the negativity is reinforced if dad can't see them for a week or two because of the new baby.

The above is a great example of the kind of projection you get from posters who view situations through the lens of their own children (or themselves as a step child once) being subject to a pattern of behaviour of their DC's being left out, treated differently, not reassured etc by dad and his new wife. In which case yeah, the point might be valid.

However when there are two loving parents who consistently put their DC's needs first there is very little that will phase those DC if they already feel loved and secure. In that context there is no reason why a week's break in contact would cause lasting issues as long as both parents are on the same page with their approach, but what you get is people projecting their own experience with shitty exes/fathers onto situations where that's clearly not the case (and you'd better damn prove it!).

Alternative points of view from non step parents can be helpful of course but as a step parent, we will be aware of the peculiar dynamics around being a step mum. We will very likely know and recognise that an OP posting their particular scenario will have already done/tried XYZ - the wider context doesn't need spelling out. We won't therefore be piling on with irrelevancies like "were you the OW;" "does your DP pay above CMS and if not why not;" "why does he have them not enough/so much;" "your DP should have thought about that before he walked out on his family" (there's always the assumption that the NRP ended the relationship but if it was the exW who made that decision, then he must have driven her to it) etc etc.

So basically whilst I agree this board has improved, I don't think it's a safe space - not only in regard to personal attacks but from the constant need to justify, explain and prove ourselves before being deemed to be worthy of support, in a way that you don't see on say the Relationships board.

people suggest that step children might actually want to be a part of things and meet their new sibling.

They have plenty of time to become "part of things" when the time is right for new mum and baby. It's not about then being excluded long term is it. It's a temporary situation while, as others have pointed out, a very emotionally delicate mum and demanding baby adjust to their overwhelming new lives. My DD didn't meet her Dad and stepmum's new baby until they were ready for her. She is in no way emotionally scarred - quite the opposite, and she loves her half siblings dearly. There is more then one way to do things as per what suits that particular family.

when there are two loving parents who consistently put their DC's needs first there is very little that will phase those DC if they already feel loved and secure. In that context there is no reason why a week's break in contact would cause lasting issues as long as both parents are on the same page with their approach, but what you get is people projecting their own experience with shitty exes/fathers onto situations where that's clearly not the case (and you'd better damn prove it!).

Couldn't have said it better myself. In my example below with my own DD and her half siblings at her dads, this was precisely the case. I didn't need to do any "reassuring" as her relationship with her father was and is strong enough for her as a then 9 year old little girl to understand she would meet her sibling when it was possible to. I saw nothing but excitement from her in the lead up to that moment, contrary to the perception of the "pushed aside", emotionally scarred child that seems to be projected on here.

Exactly LouJ85. It's the blanket tarring of every situation with the same brush - "your children WILL be damaged if you do this particular thing" - and when you've reached the point where you're posting for help unfair judgements are the last thing you need. Whilst there are some universal rights and wrongs when it comes to parenting there are also many scenarios where the wider context is what determines whether something is appropriate or not.

Thanks @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet
The thing that often strikes me on this board is the absolute conviction from some posters that there is only one right way to do things and anyone deviating from that is just wrong and is a terrible person to boot.
I hope a slightly firmer line of moderation will temper that and I will be reporting any posts I think cross the line.

When the dad has a new baby with his partner, I think the negative comments on here are actually about the mum’s insecurities about her child no longer being the only one in daddy’s life anymore. That’s why the child needs to be there as soon as they walk through the door from the hospital, just in case daddy has miraculously forgotten about the child that she has with him. Or just miss the birth all together.

Or just miss the birth all together.

F*ck that. My DP has made it clear to exW that if the kids happen to be with us when I go into labour (still 4/5 months to go) then he'll be taking them straight back, and that if she does her usual disappearing act and isn't home when they're due back, he'll be taking them to her mother's. I've had sleepless nights about this situation!

@Isthatitnow

Stepchildren come first over the hungry baby

I don't think the hyperbole is necessary.

What you actually mean is if you want a week to yourself post-birth, people suggest that step children might actually want to be a part of things and meet their new sibling. It is pretty low to ignore that step children in a situation where there are new siblings may well feel a little wobbly and worried about their place in everything. Keeping them away for a couple of weeks - or more as I have seen suggested more than once - is hardly going to help that. There is a need, of course, to balance that with caring for a tired and sore new mum,. particularly if it's a first baby or the birth was difficult. There is a middle line and whether you like it or not, once there are step children, you don't get the same experience you would have had if your partner didn't have children. If you can't accept that - and many posters seem to struggle to - that's when you get the strong differences of opinion.

it is pretty shit being a child in that situation. And pretty shit being a mother in that situation who has to pacify and explain to a child that daddy does love them and nothing at all is going to change that. That should have come from dad. It frequently doesn't seem to and the negativity is reinforced if dad can't see them for a week or two because of the new baby.

This is what I mean. You've ignored what was said, and then had a go in regards something totally different about an imaginary situation.

Oh clearly that’s going to be pushing them out and they’ll be scarred for life if he prioritises being with you while you give birth.
Nah, it’s all the mum’s bad feelings towards it. The kids will be fine!

So glad your DP has been firm and clear with his ex about what will happen.