Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

Another thing that I have noticed on the relationship boards is that when men are poor fathers their partners are often blamed. There was a recent one where the dad had tried to reduce maintenance over having the children extra due to covid-19 isolation despite the fact that the mother had often had them for extra time and not asked for more money. Many posters were chiming in with "I bet his girlfriend is behind this" despite the fact that there was no evidence for this and it's not her responsibility anyway.

We seem to let deadbeat dads off the hook and blame the women in their life which strikes me as a bit misogynist.

@Beamur if a single mum posted in the single parent boards she wasnt coping etc she would get supportive comments. If a SM posted that in here she would get ripped to shreds, therefore this is not a safe place

I think this place is an absolute cesspit, which is why I wouldn’t dream of starting a thread here.

I wonder sometimes how many of those who are responding on this board have any real experience of being a step parent themselves. I get the impression that at least some of the more viscous responses are coming from people who are not step parents, but either have kids who have a step parent, or who just have some kind of general anxiety about their own kids being in that situation.

There seems to be a lot of misdirected anger/ anxiety in some responses.
It’s definitely not the supportive place it should be

@Beamur

I am not trying to be snippy, and I agree with you, a lot of people post complete guff and totally unreasonable comments. But it is a public forum, and there are rules about posting which everyone must follow. I'm not sure I understand what you mean by safe?

i know i just wanted to be completely clear i am not trying to ban anyone from the board or anything like that!

i mean safe as in like, for posters above to feel like they can post here without getting ripped to shreds for no reason. Like i say i have nothing against honest, disagreement, even criticism - but there is a way to go about it.

You might think someones husband is shit, but if they didn't ask about that and the thread was unrelated - why is it allowed to stand?

why cant HQ just say look, this is a board for support, help, honesty,=. Its not a place for hate, anger and generally taking your own situation out on other people to make yourself feel better.

I don't go on to threads by ex wives, for example, and have a go to make myself feel better because they are the same as dps ex who annoys me, if you see what i mean?

it's a lovely idea that step parents should get support on a parenting website - sadly couldn't be further from the truth here.

When I got together with my partner I told him about mumsnet. He used it for a while, really enjoyed some of the boards, found some of the parenting advice really helpful, particularly the teen boards. A few years later he started on the step parents board (as mine are older teens he doesn't see himself really as a step "parent" because they are past the active parenting stage so hadn't dipped in) he was horrified by the board. He said the absolute kicking SPs got on thread after thread after thread made him realise just how much step parents are hated. Apparently he came back a few times but ultimately the behaviour here coloured his view of mumsnet so badly that he left altogether. He felt he couldn't take advice from a poster on the teen board who he had just seen viciously belittling a step parent on this board.

Honestly HQ the step parenting board really is horrendous. I've been on mumsnet since it were all fields, I know how to take a pasting whether deserved or not but the treatment to step parents is definitely the worst anywhere on this site.

And I agree with the op, no need to ban or censor anything, just the standard "it's hq please remember the purpose of the site is support" message thrown around a bit would really help.

Unfortunately I think this board will attract people with an axe to grind. We all know this is a deeply felt subject and feelings can be raw - comments therefore come out which are unkind and it's easy to take your pain out on some random on the internet.
I frequent a few other boards, some are nearly always welcoming and supportive, some can be feisty.
I have a suggestion. Some boards have long running threads which are set up specifically for support..they roll over and start anew when they get full. Or have an occasional theme, almost like a call to all go down the pub together! Like minded people can then get together, off load, offer support etc, and the 'good' voices drown out the people who come along to post in bad faith or nitpick.
Maybe we could do something like that?
There's the Stately Homes thread for supporting adults with difficult parents and the Feminism board has something I think called the Bluestocking lock in.
It doesn't police the tone for the board but creates a bit of a community on a thread.

I have no skin in this game at all and I think that step-mothers are treated awfully.

That is definitely an idea - however i still think it would be better if people could actually post here for help without having to find a specific thread. For me personally i am not sure if i would have the confidence to wander into a long running thread and spill my heart out if i was having a hard time. I do think that it is a good idea, and like you say would create a sense of community. I am not sure it would discourage the same handful of posters from posting, though unfortunately.

I don’t think the step-parenting forum is supportive at all. I’ve posted a few times over the years under many different names and have received a frothing, hateful shit show about 98% of the time.

MN has some very strange standards for step-parents. You must love them like your own even if they were teenagers when you met them and only see them once a fortnight. You should have known what you were getting into - even though no one would ever say that to a mum struggling with the children she planned and deliberately got pregnant with. The children should always, always come first, even if that means a step-mum has to have both legs amputated and get herself home from hospital by herself because the DSC has a karate exam that day and their mum is on holiday. The DSCs must be included in everything even if it’s a trip to Peppa Pig World for their half sibling’s second birthday and the DSCs are 17.

It’s a weird old place this forum. I think there’s a lot of projection here from ex wives who don’t want to acknowledge that their ex’s new wife doesn’t love his kids like her own. Or from people who grew up in a step family and find the truth uncomfortable reading.

I was never an active stepparent but I was 5 years with a man who had teen dc & my own dc have a sm.
I stay on here because I was honestly totally taken aback at the way me & my dc were treated by my exdp's exw & his subsequently his dc. I was also horrified by the lingering societal notion that the 'first' family & by that I really mean first wives were still perceived as the one, true wife!
As a 'first' wife myself I would never have behaved in a way, or had the expectations of my exdp's exw or many of the women who counter post on here.
I still post because I honestly feel that sp's need all the support they can get.
There are some great & kind posters on here & I think it's good for sp's to get a biop's viewpoint. Unfortunately the majority of biop's on here are first wives who are full of vitriol & hate & use very trolling language which should be more heavily monitored by HQ.

you knew what you were getting into always make me laugh (in a cynical way). As if!
@TrustTheGeneGenie what happens if you report a particularly belligerent poster?
I must admit I have rarely, if ever, seen mnhq reminding people to moderate their comments (which happens on some boards) on this board.

@Beamur

you knew what you were getting into always make me laugh (in a cynical way). As if! *@TrustTheGeneGenie* what happens if you report a particularly belligerent poster? I must admit I have rarely, if ever, seen mnhq reminding people to moderate their comments (which happens on some boards) on this board.

If I had known what I was getting myself into I'd have run a mile!

They do make deletions occasionally but then the poster generally comes back and says the same thing but in a less "personal attack" way. They refuse to do anything about the "your husband is a shit dad" comments because they're not personal attacks and it's a "discussion". For me that's when it stops being a discussion and starts being a pile on. Some posters are regulars and id go as far as to say it's bullying.

I’m not a parent or a step parent and I think step parents (And particularly stepmoms) are treated awfully on this board. I’m often astounded at some of the viciousness and projection I see on here.

I daren't post my experience as a stepmum being granted sole custody of my step daughter when her dad walked out on us (step daughter was living with us at the time as per a court order), I'd get flamed.

There are lots of other supportive step parents, which is great.

But I admit that I've asked for help and advice in the past, and I can't win.

It's like, if I mention not doing certain things for him, I'm evil, because I should treat him like one of my own and love him like a son.

But then if I tell him off, or I want to go to parents' evening, immediately it's 'you're not his mum! back off and let DP and his ex deal with it!'

So it's like, you're expected to be general dogsbody to these kids and be there for them unconditionally, without having any parental rights with regards to how they are raised or any right to an input with their schooling.

For example, I was told I should be helping DSS with his school work over lockdown, then in another thread told that I shouldn't expect to be allowed to the post-lockdown parental meeting, and should just let his real parents go - even though I was the one at home dealing with the schooling, so I was probably better equipped for the meeting than anyone else!!

There's a lot of double standards, and being a stepmum is hard - though it does depend on what the mother thinks, too.

Meant to add...her dad left to be with OW and her mum was in prison for drug dealing, but you can bet your mortgage that I would be the bad one.

Great thread, I agree with so many things that others have said. I'm another that continues to comment because I think step parents need all the help they can get on here to get any sense of a balanced view, but I would never post myself. It's very telling that so many have said the same thing and does go to show this board isn't really working.

It's true that MNHQ don't really do much to help but then at the same time, the problem is the people and the fact that so many continue to have these attitudes towards step parents and display them so vocally. It's much worse under other topics such as AIBU, it's insidious on this site and isn't limited to the SP board. I never really viewed this as a "board" that could be a safe space, more a topic of interest, which is naturally being frequented both by people who are interested in the subject for good reasons, and for bad. How do you really get away from that?

I like the idea of a supportive thread, and tbh it sort of already feels like there is a strong community of step parents on here so setting up a specific thread wouldn't be that much of a stretch. I recognise the names of 95% of the people that ever post supportive things on SP threads. I agree with the sentiment that it has got a lot better recently and I don't think that's because anybody else on the site has become more pleasant, I think it's because the same group of people who have had enough of it all are speaking up more and redressing the balance, inspiring others to do the same, so I salute all the brilliant posters on this thread and this board!

I don't post and i don't find it supportive. Can you imagine if you went into a thread of a new parent, or a lone parent and told them they knew what they were getting into?

I think that given the fact that so many posts deal with situations where the poster is a SM and is posting about a home situation where both parties are step parents (his/her kids vs my kids) is a strong indicator that there is no universally accepted or agreed upon step parent point of view.

In my opinion, if you cannot accept varying points of view from strangers, it should cause you to wonder how open you are to accepting a different pov in your home situation. If you feel attacked when a stranger's perspective is different than yours, it may be an indicator that you are even less flexible when the differing point of view comes from within your immediate circle. That can be a learning moment rather than an attack.

I do not think that anyone seeks safety on a public forum, I think that at best you are hoping for anonymity.

Sometimes, the threads are so long, that the varying pov are often repeated and may begin to feel like a pile on; but generally forums and blogs gain support based upon the numbers of respondents.

Personally, in my limited experience, it seems that the perspective divisions may be more age and economic divisions rather than step vs non step perspectives.

You might think someones husband is shit, but if they didn't ask about that and the thread was unrelated - why is it allowed to stand?

Many step parenting issues could be solved by someone's husband actually doing some parenting. It's not unreasonable for people to point that out.

if a single mum posted in the single parent boards she wasnt coping etc she would get supportive comments

Situations are rarely comparable. There are plenty of step parents who post in the lone parents threads and single parents generally get lamblasted on this site for many things outside of their control.

I visit the stepparent board a lot and totally agree with everything that's been said here.
I know that when I begin to read a thread and the stepparent has described the mother of her stepchild as BM,I cringe.
I just know what's coming next.
Then it seems like the original problem the poster wants to discuss with everyone, is forgotten as posters pile on to correct the stepparent... 'It's not BM it's mother'!

I agree that this board is awful and requires a great deal of name changing to use. I wouldn’t start a thread, but I do sometimes feel it’s important to post things that are true but will attract vitriol from the ‘you knew what you were getting in to/DSC ARE just more important’ crowd.

And then there’s the inevitable insinuation that the SM must have been the evil OW first.

I don’t know what MN could do really. Threads on here really attract people determined to blame evil SMs for everything. And who seem to be incapable of actually reading threads or even individual posts that don’t support their indignation that anyone dares not to see their stepchildren as akin to the second coming.

It’s frustrating because it all gets derailed by this crap and the key issue that arises on just about every thread gets lost and ignored. Because, the thing is, it’s almost always a problem with the father of the children at root. Posts about disrespectful and poorly behaved stepchildren are almost always really about a man failing to parent his children because of divorced dad guilt. Posts about the nightmare ex are generally about a man who has failed to put boundaries in place and who makes his ex his current partner’s problem. Posts about childcare issues are almost always about a man who hasn’t arranged his contact schedule to suit his availability or who won’t give up hobbies/free time because he’s arranged to have his kids. Posts about space in the house are very often about a man who expects his children to be prioritised above everyone else or who hasn’t made proper arrangements for his children.

At every turn we blame women and, in doing so, let men off the hook. Stepmothering would be so much easier if fathers took their responsibilities seriously and if everyone else did this too.

If someone can come up with a suitably witty, pithy name I'd happily contribute to a good natured thread.
My SC's are in their mid 20's now, so no longer at home. I've known them for nearly 20 years so feel I have earned my stripes! I'm also pretty sure I would have been told I was doing it all wrong, but we're ok, I have a nice relationship with them, both with and independent of their Dad. It has been a massive help that their Mum is a decent person, we've all rubbed along ok and she and her family have been very accepting and kind of my DD.
I am also a stepdaughter...but that's another story! Not such a happy one.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that given the fact that so many posts deal with situations where the poster is a SM and is posting about a home situation where both parties are step parents (his/her kids vs my kids) is a strong indicator that there is no universally accepted or agreed upon step parent point of view.

In my opinion, if you cannot accept varying points of view from strangers, it should cause you to wonder how open you are to accepting a different pov in your home situation. If you feel attacked when a stranger's perspective is different than yours, it may be an indicator that you are even less flexible when the differing point of view comes from within your immediate circle. That can be a learning moment rather than an attack.

I do not think that anyone seeks safety on a public forum, I think that at best you are hoping for anonymity.

Sometimes, the threads are so long, that the varying pov are often repeated and may begin to feel like a pile on; but generally forums and blogs gain support based upon the numbers of respondents.

Personally, in my limited experience, it seems that the perspective divisions may be more age and economic divisions rather than step vs non step perspectives.

Nobody is saying they can't accept varying points of view. All points of view are welcome. What I won't accept is basically abuse. I don't think you're a stranger to threads that have gone that way.

I don't personally think age and economics are the main issues, but yes sometimes they add to it.