Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

Yes I existed and that was enough

She regularly even now tells me I am a bad influence on dss, I'm a horrible person etc etc but I have always been, an entirely suitable baby sitter. Funny isn't it

@TrustTheGeneGenie YES!
As evil as we are, it's still okay to use us for childcare when needed, never had a thanks though 😁 (and it's on her time not DHs!)

When I say we I mean us step parents, so me. I've always been a terrible person yet she's fine to use me for childcare!

@Lovebug06

When I say we I mean us step parents, so me. I've always been a terrible person yet she's fine to use me for childcare!

Same. She wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire but I'm her a choice for childcare (not anymore thankfully dss is old enough to look after himself now thankfully!)

It was always on her time yes. And usually without asking or even without warning!

As a stepparent I have have had mixed responses, and currently debating if I should even bother to post for opinions/support/advise about my current situation, as there are so many stepmum haters out there! The theory that if you meet a man who has kids, and because they are first born, they should somehobe more important, and you should accept that?! I'd go as far to say that the world we live in has portrayed stepparents as the bad guys and enabled and encouraged this view, especially of stepmums, and also of 'absent fathers'. The father is always painted as the bad guy, the mother a saint, and the stepmum evil and unaccepting of stepchildren. Disney films pay a huge part, Cinderella, snow white etc all have evil stepmothers, this view needs to be changed. I can understand a mother's animosity if the, now stepmother, has been the cause of the relationship breakdown between her and the father of her children, but even so people, women especially I'm afriad, are unable or unwilling to put their personal feelings to one side and do what is best for their children. While all the time giving the impression they live for their children and are being a good parent by, purposely or not, alienating the stepparent, in some cases to the point the child/children then have a relationship breakdown with their father, which is both tragic and illegal. Parent aleation is a crime, as is stepparent alienation, and there is so little support for father's and stepmothers. The mother is very rarely the Saint she makes out in these situations. Mumsnet needs to change to support the people most in need of it and make a stand to not allow the bullish behaviour by mother's and others, with this dated and unjustified view of stepmothers to continue, as does society's view on stepmothers need to change.

@Cloudsandrainbows

As a stepparent I have have had mixed responses, and currently debating if I should even bother to post for opinions/support/advise about my current situation, as there are so many stepmum haters out there! The theory that if you meet a man who has kids, and because they are first born, they should somehobe more important, and you should accept that?! I'd go as far to say that the world we live in has portrayed stepparents as the bad guys and enabled and encouraged this view, especially of stepmums, and also of 'absent fathers'. The father is always painted as the bad guy, the mother a saint, and the stepmum evil and unaccepting of stepchildren. Disney films pay a huge part, Cinderella, snow white etc all have evil stepmothers, this view needs to be changed. I can understand a mother's animosity if the, now stepmother, has been the cause of the relationship breakdown between her and the father of her children, but even so people, women especially I'm afriad, are unable or unwilling to put their personal feelings to one side and do what is best for their children. While all the time giving the impression they live for their children and are being a good parent by, purposely or not, alienating the stepparent, in some cases to the point the child/children then have a relationship breakdown with their father, which is both tragic and illegal. Parent aleation is a crime, as is stepparent alienation, and there is so little support for father's and stepmothers. The mother is very rarely the Saint she makes out in these situations. Mumsnet needs to change to support the people most in need of it and make a stand to not allow the bullish behaviour by mother's and others, with this dated and unjustified view of stepmothers to continue, as does society's view on stepmothers need to change.

I agree with this. As a Dad I note the Dadsnet part of thr forum is pretty much a graveyard. But find a Dad posting that the mob can lay into with their pitchforks and their projections of 'Disney Dad'. Clealry these types loiter with intent. What I find genuinely worrying, however, is the opinions given to vulnerable women lookkng for guidance. This place often seems quite far from what I'd expect in real life.

For me personally this is a million miles away from real life.

I don't for example know anyone who just simply doesn't pay maintenance, except for my own dad but that was obviously a very long time ago. Equally don't know anyone who does the level of things posters expect here. I mean dp has always done more than to be honest I would like because it has been maintenance and everything else until quite recently. And when dss lived with us full time his mum paid maintenance (less than he paid her - and she tried to get it lowered because she had another child - not dps - living in the house who is actually 20 years old!) And nothing else. Not even a token 10er to spend on his hols with us but she expects us to pay for everything when he's with her.

When I've brought this up on here it was regarded as fine because she's on her own, bla bla bla. I pointed out he doesn't cos us less to bring up than he cost her. Again, fine because I earn a wage too. He's not my child though - but financially well he is.

You can't win. I do think many dad's get a very shit deal. The court will always side with the mother mainly. Eow is standard but slagged off to high heaven on here. It's incredibly hard to prove parental alienation etc. Dp has really really struggled over the years. But all you get is "why doesn't he do something about it" I mean what can you even say to that.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Curious as to why EOW is slagged off on here? It's pretty standard isn't it?

It's the arrangement for both my DD with her Dad (less if she chooses not to go), and same for my DP's kids. I didn't realise that was also unacceptable on here! What a minefield 🙈😂

Yeah I believe it is pretty standard. I guess it's not much time, but that's what the courts dish out the most.

It is apparently unacceptable on here, but if you have 50/50 you're only doing it so you don't pay maintenance / must be so unsettling for the child etc.

You can't win!

I've also seen " if you have them every weekend mum doesn't get any quality time and only does the boring jobs" alongside "having them in the week before school is unsettling" I mean, you cannot win.

We had a really shitty schedule for a long time. Tuesday night, Friday night and Sunday 7am - 9pm. Entirely devised so that dp couldn't have a social life, see anyone, do anything. Also the lack of sleep on a Sunday meant more maintenance and that wasn't accidental. It was ridiculous as dss was always absolutely knackered and probably horrific on a Monday morning.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

For me personally this is a million miles away from real life.

I don't for example know anyone who just simply doesn't pay maintenance, except for my own dad but that was obviously a very long time ago. Equally don't know anyone who does the level of things posters expect here. I mean dp has always done more than to be honest I would like because it has been maintenance and everything else until quite recently. And when dss lived with us full time his mum paid maintenance (less than he paid her - and she tried to get it lowered because she had another child - not dps - living in the house who is actually 20 years old!) And nothing else. Not even a token 10er to spend on his hols with us but she expects us to pay for everything when he's with her.

When I've brought this up on here it was regarded as fine because she's on her own, bla bla bla. I pointed out he doesn't cos us less to bring up than he cost her. Again, fine because I earn a wage too. He's not my child though - but financially well he is.

You can't win. I do think many dad's get a very shit deal. The court will always side with the mother mainly. Eow is standard but slagged off to high heaven on here. It's incredibly hard to prove parental alienation etc. Dp has really really struggled over the years. But all you get is "why doesn't he do something about it" I mean what can you even say to that.

My understanding is that EOW is the default where the Father works full time and the Mother had been a stay at home Mum. Thats what I was advised and my solicitor confirmed as its based around when you can have the kids. I couldn't change this without doing something with my job, e.g.dropping hours at work but because of the finnacial position I simply couldnt. I asked my ex if she wanted me to drop a day at work so I could have kids a bit more. The trade being I paid less maintenance and she could do a day at work a week to compensate. I thought it made sense but she didnt like the idea. In that circumstance there was nothing I could do which wouldnt adversely impact my finances, exs finances and obviously also the kids. Parental alienation, there was a thread where I was infomred it couldnt be as the Mother let the Father see the kid! Sod the toxic behaviour unduly influencing the child.

But find a Dad posting that the mob can lay into with their pitchforks and their projections of 'Disney Dad'. Clealry these types loiter with intent.

I've seen so much of this. At times it comes across as blatant sexism on the part of women - "you're a bloke therefore you must be useless, let's all pile on and have a go". Makes me almost pity those women that live their lives feeling so bitter.

Ex works full time and I work fulltime (always have bar the 6 months maternity leave I took). Courts awarded EOW.

It does seem to be the default position taken. I'm not sure there's a magic formula as it really depends on what can work in a given situation and if the children are older what they feel comfortable with.

I find reading the SP threads interesting as they show other peoples' experiences, but agree they are horribly and unfairly bashed. Personally I think SP have a difficult role, so a support system is definately needed. I don't want SP chased off MN as I feel it is important to understand how difficult it can be to navigate being a SP.

I haven't RTFT so don't know what ideas have been floated, but was just wondering if when a poster is leaving a crap message to bash the OP, what if other long term posters quote the post and just put IGNORE in their own message, and then let the conversation continue. You can generally tell when posters are being goady, so if the long time posters could call it out, I think the nasty posters would eventually get bored of not getting any 'air time'. And it would be less bewildering for new posters looking for help.

SP

@SonjaHeniesTutu good idea
Maybe we could also have a stickie message like over in relationships with some board guidance

when a poster is leaving a crap message to bash the OP, what if other long term posters quote the post and just put IGNORE in their own message, and then let the conversation continue.

This is a good idea. Ignore the behaviour and it will eventually stop - classic psychology

As with any thread on MN there will be polarised views. Go on any covid thread and you will see the utter hatred being poured out for each other.

Most SP threads go ok if the OP isn’t slagging the child off or indicating that the child has received unfair treatment. You have to remember that this is a predominantly a parenting site so it will always get people’s back up.

There were a couple of threads in the summer about an OP who had always really wanted a kitten but her landlord wouldn’t allow pets. So when she moved in to her new partners home despite knowing his child has a cat allergy - got a cat causing him to a reaction.

She didn’t want to get rid of the cat and was quite happy to feee him antihistamine every day.

It’s shit like this that gets people’s backs up.

As with any thread on MN there will be polarised views. Go on any covid thread and you will see the utter hatred being poured out for each other.

This thread isn't about polarised viewpoints though. It's about whether stepparents subjectively find it to be generally supportive or whether they feel unfairly "bashed" a lot of the time, in a way you don't see on other boards. And the overwhelming answer to that based on the responses here is no it's generally not supportive and yes people often feel bashed. You can have an opposite view to a person and express is respectfully and without berating them. Except on the stepparenting boards, apparently.

*There were a couple of threads in the summer about an OP who had always really wanted a kitten but her landlord wouldn’t allow pets. So when she moved in to her new partners home despite knowing his child has a cat allergy - got a cat causing him to a reaction.

She didn’t want to get rid of the cat and was quite happy to feee him antihistamine every day.

It’s shit like this that gets people’s backs up.*

This is an obviously extreme example of someone's shitty behaviour. But it's not representative of what people generally post on here for. More often, it's questions around contact, maintenance, bedroom dilemmas, navigating the challenges of parenting stepchildren after having a new baby, problems with mum making life difficult... etc etc. And it's on those threads that you see disgusting vile judgemental comments aimed at step parents who are genuinely struggling and looking for some advice and support. People have pointed out repeatedly that when similar parenting queries are posted about a mum's own biological kids, responses are generally far more supportive. However you want to dress it up, there are mums on these boards who , as described below, "lurk with intent" ready to pounce on stepmums needing and seeking support, unfairly and unnecessarily, usually as a projection of their own issues. And that's what this thread is about - because that shouldn't happen.

Curious as to why EOW is slagged off on here? It's pretty standard isn't it?

Maybe because most mothers don’t understand how a NRP can go two weeks regularly with out seeing their children.. it really isn’t rocket science is it? Is it pretty standard? Pretty poor if it is.

@LauraBassi

Curious as to why EOW is slagged off on here? It's pretty standard isn't it?

Maybe because most mothers don’t understand how a NRP can go two weeks regularly with out seeing their children.. it really isn’t rocket science is it? Is it pretty standard? Pretty poor if it is.

Some of them don't have a choice if that's all mum is allowing without a battle. Two sides to every story and all that ...

@LauraBassi

See @TrustTheGeneGenie's post below at 21:08 yesterday. It explains really well why NRP dads simply can't win whether they do EOW, every weekend, 50:50, etc... it literally wouldn't matter, they'd be unfairly slagged off on here. Along with stepmothers.

As a non-SP I think this forum is infested with some real step-parent haters. I'm sure there are a whole load of reasons behind that - some bad experiences, some bitterness, some looking to just kick people when they're down - but MN as a whole has some extremely negative attitudes to SPs. Same happens to Dads.

I don't know how you all put up with it. I try to chime in with support whenever I see a pile on happening but it's like trying to keep the tide away.

@LauraBassi

As with any thread on MN there will be polarised views. Go on any covid thread and you will see the utter hatred being poured out for each other.

Most SP threads go ok if the OP isn’t slagging the child off or indicating that the child has received unfair treatment. You have to remember that this is a predominantly a parenting site so it will always get people’s back up.

There were a couple of threads in the summer about an OP who had always really wanted a kitten but her landlord wouldn’t allow pets. So when she moved in to her new partners home despite knowing his child has a cat allergy - got a cat causing him to a reaction.

She didn’t want to get rid of the cat and was quite happy to feee him antihistamine every day.

It’s shit like this that gets people’s backs up.

Haha. No, they don't.

And it's funny because I remember that thread - the op wanted the dss to close his bedroom door and not allow the cat to sleep on his bed. He would not. She asked him to not stroke the cat if it irritated his allergies. He continued to do so. What you've done is a classic example of twisting something so it suits your narrative. Just like the posters I am complaining about.

And predominantly a parenting site - I am a parent as well as a step parent and yet I manage not to be a massive raging arsehole to those in different positions than me. Weird, eh?

@LauraBassi

Curious as to why EOW is slagged off on here? It's pretty standard isn't it?

Maybe because most mothers don’t understand how a NRP can go two weeks regularly with out seeing their children.. it really isn’t rocket science is it? Is it pretty standard? Pretty poor if it is.

I'd suggest "most mother's" go and ask the courts why they think it's acceptable, then? It's not usually the nrps choice, ime.