Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

My children must now be on the important list now that I’m no longer with their dad.

In that case my DD is also on the important list, so she can go on the boats. But when our new baby arrives s/he must watch from the sidelines? Unless precious DSC are with us, then our baby gets the go ahead to be a normal child and have some fun with older siblings.

👍🏻 minefield! 😂

Oh my god What a brain teaser!

It sounds like a riddle 🤣 If I have two children but one with my ex and I have a stepchild but only two children are with us but it’s not the stepchild and the other child is my dp’s child too, are any of my children allowed to go on the boat?

It’s all as mad as a sack of cats and I’m all at sea 🤔

If I have two children but one with my ex and I have a stepchild but only two children are with us but it’s not the stepchild and the other child is my dp’s child too, are any of my children allowed to go on the boat?

LOLOLOLOL. Perfect.

A big thank you to the certain posters who have cemented the reason why most step parents, actually people in general, don't comment in this board.
Narrow minded people like you who twist things and add things to fit your own narrative of step parents being in the wrong and simply the worst people around.

The hypothetical dilemmas on this thread are all in jest of the absurd replies a step parent faces when they post just about anything, as seen several posts up. It's tedious at best.

It sounds like a riddle 🤣 If I have two children but one with my ex and I have a stepchild but only two children are with us but it’s not the stepchild and the other child is my dp’s child too, are any of my children allowed to go on the boat?

@funinthesun19

Erm... can I phone a friend?! Better all stay off the boat just in case ... 😂

Mumsnet to me is very anti-non resident father. That often crosses over into anti-man, and also into anti-stepmum.

I know it’s not one view, lots of different posters with lots of different opinions but those minded to post often have a consistent slant, and do not post when it’s the other way round.

Mumsnet to me is very anti-non resident father. That often crosses over into anti-man, and also into anti-stepmum.

👆🏽Is so so true

Mumsnet to me is very anti-non resident father. That often crosses over into anti-man, and also into anti-stepmum.

I agree entirely. I've said that before, NRP fathers literally cannot win on here.

They’re also anti resident fathers who definitely definitely trashed the mum’s character and lied and stole the children away, so they shouldn’t expect maintenance and probably owe her money for what if any contact she has with the child(ren) because she had them for him and he owes her forever.

What they don’t seem to realise is that by taking the position that whatever a step mother or non resident father does is wrong, without any suggestion of what the right thing would actually be (not all the contrary nonsense, you can’t have everything all at once) they betray that their motivation isn’t to put their tuppence worth in to help solve a problem and potentially help improve a child’s life, it’s just to have a go at someone they think is fair game. They are ridiculous little people.

@funinthesun19

Oh my god What a brain teaser!

It sounds like a riddle 🤣 If I have two children but one with my ex and I have a stepchild but only two children are with us but it’s not the stepchild and the other child is my dp’s child too, are any of my children allowed to go on the boat?

Only the child who's parents aren't together can go on the boat obviously. This is to make up for the lifelong emotional scarring that having separated parents causes.

The joint child should watch from the shore and just be grateful their mum and dad together.

Gosh it's really not that hard.

What they don’t seem to realise is that by taking the position that whatever a step mother or non resident father does is wrong, without any suggestion of what the right thing would actually be (not all the contrary nonsense, you can’t have everything all at once) they betray that their motivation isn’t to put their tuppence worth in to help solve a problem and potentially help improve a child’s life, it’s just to have a go at someone they think is fair game.

I completely agree and have often tried to remind people multiple times on here that what they propose to care so much about is thechildren'swelfareandhappiness, yet everything they are suggesting is 100% focused on the mum showing the dad who's boss and making him pay for whatever he's perceived to have done.

I notice it a lot on threads about mums not wanting to travel halfway to hand the kids over and people saying if their dad doesn't come the whole way both to collect and drop them off then he just can't see them, even if doing the whole journey would mean he's not even able to pick them up until around 9pm on a Friday night. How is that to the benefit of the children at all?

People on here use the cover of caring about the children - children that they don't even know and actually their step-parent cares far more about - as a thinly veiled disguise to punish separated fathers.

Sometimes it's not even thinly veiled it's just completely blatant!

To be fair, some NRPs do also think that the children they came into a relationship with are more important than any other children in the house.

The DSC were at their mum’s at Halloween this year. My DS was here. I bought DS a tub of sweets from M&S in lieu of going guising. DH actually tried to make me feel bad about it, and wanted DS to share with the DSC.

The fact that their mum would be doing loads for Halloween with them (she was) and they’d get loads of sweets that they wouldn’t have to share with anyone (they most certainly did) seemed to be irrelevant. Nor did DH seem to understand that he could have bought sweets for his DC if he was so keen to give them some.

But, no. His expectation was that DS should just have to share his sweets because how the DSC feel is all that really matters. Pure male entitlement (and, just in case you were wondering, no; I didn’t make DS share the sweets).

The same weird logic applies on MN. The idea that ‘children from a first family come first’ only really applies if they are a man’s children with a stepmother. The stepmother’s children from previous relationships clearly don’t need to be compensated for their parents not being together. That’s only tough for his ‘existing’ DC.

@Crustaceans

To be fair, some NRPs do also think that the children they came into a relationship with are more important than any other children in the house.

The DSC were at their mum’s at Halloween this year. My DS was here. I bought DS a tub of sweets from M&S in lieu of going guising. DH actually tried to make me feel bad about it, and wanted DS to share with the DSC.

The fact that their mum would be doing loads for Halloween with them (she was) and they’d get loads of sweets that they wouldn’t have to share with anyone (they most certainly did) seemed to be irrelevant. Nor did DH seem to understand that he could have bought sweets for his DC if he was so keen to give them some.

But, no. His expectation was that DS should just have to share his sweets because how the DSC feel is all that really matters. Pure male entitlement (and, just in case you were wondering, no; I didn’t make DS share the sweets).

The same weird logic applies on MN. The idea that ‘children from a first family come first’ only really applies if they are a man’s children with a stepmother. The stepmother’s children from previous relationships clearly don’t need to be compensated for their parents not being together. That’s only tough for his ‘existing’ DC.

Urgh this sounds like that classic NRP "guilt" to me. Where they tiptoe around the DSCs and make sure they have every little thing the resident kids get in their absence** (more if possible) because they're so superior and special 🙄 it's like the boat ride situation - see below 😂

If my DP was like this it wouldn't have lasted. I'm lucky that he takes quite a balanced approach. When I see a hint of the NRP Dad guilt I point it out and generally speaking he can see my point and reigns it in.

I've RTFT over a few days and whole heartedly agree with the OP and many of you, as a step you can never be right. Ever.

I discovered MN a few years ago, looking for advice on a dilemma with my DSC, however, having read through some posts on this subject decided not to post as I could see I may get one or two helpful responses but also a load of abuse, didn't think that was going to be helpful.

I have in the past commented on positive SP experience threads as mine generally is positive and when I was struggling, would have appreciated hearing good stuff instead of the old tropes.

Being a Step, especially as a woman, I think is one of the hardest roles there is in a child's life and if you can be a positive for them then I think you have to take that as a win.

Thanks OP for starting the thread, and keeping it from being completely derailed (cats and boats aside), it is really important that we all continue to support each other whatever our situations.

for all

There’s a thread going on just now where apparently the OP will be “inflicting a fundamental psychic wound” on her DSC if they have to get bunk beds to share with their 3 year old sibling, who is still in with her parents.
What goes on in some people’s heads?

I have posted on here intermittently.

Mainly when I first became a step mum some 12 years ago.

Honestly, this place kept me in a relationship that was so absolutely awful for my mental health. I continually felt I had no rights or choices over mine or my sons life. Coming on here just confirmed it with people telling me to suck it up.

My step kids are grown now and despite me allowing them, my Dp and his ex to do pretty much what THEY wanted, they are not happy, well adjusted adults. Just as I predicted they wouldn't be.

I've kept in contact with other supportive step mums i've met on here and seen the same happen to their step kids too.

Pandering to step kids, the ex and your dp, does not make for happy families.

Teaching kids that everyone matters in both households is what creates healthy, happy adults.

@Youseethethingis

There’s a thread going on just now where apparently the OP will be “inflicting a fundamental psychic wound” on her DSC if they have to get bunk beds to share with their 3 year old sibling, who is still in with her parents. What goes on in some people’s heads?

Ha, I'm on that thread, absolute madness.

Honestly, this place kept me in a relationship that was so absolutely awful for my mental health. I continually felt I had no rights or choices over mine or my sons life. Coming on here just confirmed it with people telling me to suck it up.

This is so sad to read and exactly why the attitude towards step parents on here is so problematic.

@aSofaNearYou

Honestly, this place kept me in a relationship that was so absolutely awful for my mental health. I continually felt I had no rights or choices over mine or my sons life. Coming on here just confirmed it with people telling me to suck it up.

This is so sad to read and exactly why the attitude towards step parents on here is so problematic.

It really is sad, and you're right it doesn't work long term. And like you say it doesn't have great outcomes for the step kids either.

I have 2 biological children, and I met my husband and took on the role of step parent to his 6 children. I don't think there's a situation we haven't encountered. I love all of our kids as my own. I honestly think that step parents can share a wealth of knowledge with each other, and with the RPs... Would I share any information on these boards? Hell no!
I've seen the nasty, savage, bitter rantings from some who wade in and are downright nasty. I've often read some posts and thought "Geesh I can see why your in the situation you are"
Step parenting is tough. You often find yourself dodging bullets of nastiness. God forbid if you get on with your step kids. Many RP let their vicious opinions and rantings become known to their kids. I've always looked at it in the sense of kids having a solid, stable platform to build upon and develop. The more people in their corner helping with the fights of life they have to master as part of getting older and more independent the better.
I think any step parent on here is on a hiding to nothing. From the first post it's clear what's going to happen. Checking on the threads progress I've not been wrong.
It's a shame as everyone should be able to voice their situations.
It's likely I'll get flamed for voicing my opinion, I couldn't really care less though to be honest.

Thanks OP for starting this thread.

It's clearly much needed, thanks to a SP basher bring up Catgate. Do you feel this is a safe and supportive place? No, because even a thread asking such questions brings the EXACT example that so many of us are talking about! A SP was once perceived to be doing something "wrong" therefore the whole board and all of us can be negatively derailed. If every other section of MN was like this, posters would be well and truly fed up and have voted with their feet.

Having said that, I do think the SP section, and even some of the SP AIBU's I see, have been getting better responses over the years. This is part I feel due to the diligence of some wonderful posters here, and the likelihood that there are more and more of us SP's to post and share our unique experiences and thoughts. Having said that, I've never posted.

Despite constant posts on AIBU about shitty Mothers, sisters, friends, grandparents, MILS, stately homes, non-contact … there is still the perception that Mums can do no wrong. They are default perfect. Especially when there is a Stepmum in the picture! I guess because it's a parenting board. A lot of the posters are Mums and I think there's a "there but for the grace of God I go" fear about Stepmums simply existing. Nobody wants a Stepmum. It's not what any of us dreamt of when we were younger either!

There are absolutely a cohort of golden uterus bitter exes on here. I can only hope what they are reading sinks in, but I doubt it. I would never be so bold to post on specialist boards giving medical or educational advice, I can tell when poor advice is being given and that is the danger of posting on an open forum.

I can't stand "you knew what you were getting yourself into". Would you say that do a parent with a high needs child? To someone who was having a stressful day at work? To someone who had a car accident?! I think it should be banned from this board. It's offensive and shoddy @MHHQ.

There are a lot of similar themes on this (and other) stepparenting forums.

• Lax parenting from Dad (SM is therefore doing everything and feeling resentful and overwhelmed)
• Bitter Mums
• People trying to "blend" too soon
• Bedrooms
• Achieving parity

Someone suggested a sticky at the top, I think that's a great idea.

To finalise my thoughts, as a Mum myself I will admit it - I would HATE the idea of splitting with my OH, having to share contact with DC, and for them to have unknown people coming into their life. I completely understand how hard it must be to do that, and how it can become manipulative and vindictive. It must take great courage to put a smiling face on and wave your DC off. There can be a lot of hurt and strong feelings in so many of our stories.

Because if I don't love my stepchildren like my own, I am wicked. But if I dare to overstep, I'm trying to be their Mum and I'm wicked.
If I crack on with my busy life when they're not here instead of gnashing and wailing, I'm wicked.
If I enjoy the peace and quiet and much MUCH reduced housework and cooking, I'm wicked.
If I think that their Mum makes poor parenting and lifestyles choices and doesn't put them first, I'm wicked (and jealous!)
If I tell them off, I'm wicked and overstepping in my own home. But I should also be expected to give everything and do everything for them but not have an opinion.
If I don't want them in my bed(room), I'm cruel and wicked. But if Mum found out they got into bed with me, I'd probably be accused of being a pervert.
If I include them in an invite, I'm going too far. If I don't include them, I'm scarring them for life.
If I buy something for my DC but not them, I'm wicked, even though their Mum bought them something similar a week before.
I'm a wicked person, but good enough for childcare!

@BooksMusicSnacks

Thanks OP for starting this thread.

It's clearly much needed, thanks to a SP basher bring up Catgate. Do you feel this is a safe and supportive place? No, because even a thread asking such questions brings the EXACT example that so many of us are talking about! A SP was once perceived to be doing something "wrong" therefore the whole board and all of us can be negatively derailed. If every other section of MN was like this, posters would be well and truly fed up and have voted with their feet.

Having said that, I do think the SP section, and even some of the SP AIBU's I see, have been getting better responses over the years. This is part I feel due to the diligence of some wonderful posters here, and the likelihood that there are more and more of us SP's to post and share our unique experiences and thoughts. Having said that, I've never posted.

Despite constant posts on AIBU about shitty Mothers, sisters, friends, grandparents, MILS, stately homes, non-contact … there is still the perception that Mums can do no wrong. They are default perfect. Especially when there is a Stepmum in the picture! I guess because it's a parenting board. A lot of the posters are Mums and I think there's a "there but for the grace of God I go" fear about Stepmums simply existing. Nobody wants a Stepmum. It's not what any of us dreamt of when we were younger either!

There are absolutely a cohort of golden uterus bitter exes on here. I can only hope what they are reading sinks in, but I doubt it. I would never be so bold to post on specialist boards giving medical or educational advice, I can tell when poor advice is being given and that is the danger of posting on an open forum.

I can't stand "you knew what you were getting yourself into". Would you say that do a parent with a high needs child? To someone who was having a stressful day at work? To someone who had a car accident?! I think it should be banned from this board. It's offensive and shoddy @MHHQ.

There are a lot of similar themes on this (and other) stepparenting forums.

• Lax parenting from Dad (SM is therefore doing everything and feeling resentful and overwhelmed)
• Bitter Mums
• People trying to "blend" too soon
• Bedrooms
• Achieving parity

Someone suggested a sticky at the top, I think that's a great idea.

To finalise my thoughts, as a Mum myself I will admit it - I would HATE the idea of splitting with my OH, having to share contact with DC, and for them to have unknown people coming into their life. I completely understand how hard it must be to do that, and how it can become manipulative and vindictive. It must take great courage to put a smiling face on and wave your DC off. There can be a lot of hurt and strong feelings in so many of our stories.

Because if I don't love my stepchildren like my own, I am wicked. But if I dare to overstep, I'm trying to be their Mum and I'm wicked.
If I crack on with my busy life when they're not here instead of gnashing and wailing, I'm wicked.
If I enjoy the peace and quiet and much MUCH reduced housework and cooking, I'm wicked.
If I think that their Mum makes poor parenting and lifestyles choices and doesn't put them first, I'm wicked (and jealous!)
If I tell them off, I'm wicked and overstepping in my own home. But I should also be expected to give everything and do everything for them but not have an opinion.
If I don't want them in my bed(room), I'm cruel and wicked. But if Mum found out they got into bed with me, I'd probably be accused of being a pervert.
If I include them in an invite, I'm going too far. If I don't include them, I'm scarring them for life.
If I buy something for my DC but not them, I'm wicked, even though their Mum bought them something similar a week before.
I'm a wicked person, but good enough for childcare!

Excellent post