Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

I also remember the post in question and was on team cat. Wasn't there also something about someone not allowing the child to take perfectly safe allergy meds as well?

My partner has 50/50 contact with his child - court awarded, but hard fought for. The courts recently upheld it ie the mother tried to reduce his contact through the courts. Not only did they uphold the rhythm but the judgement severely criticised her for parental alienation and warned her that her next step is to lose her contact. Sometimes the system sees what is really happening but a dad has to be very persistent.

Hell would freeze over before my ex would settle for EOW - they mean too much to him and I’d have never done that any way.

We have a very relaxed approach to contact. It’s more or less 50/50, he does school pick up most nights and depending when they want to stay that’s where they sleep ( although mon - fri they mostly get in bed at nine) There is no CM as we roughly earn the same as each other and choose to each pay for one child each at private school. We still have meals out as a ‘unit’ and go away at Xmas together with the kids.

However I know this is not the norm and I’m waiting for a thread off his new girlfriend complaint about it

@LauraBassi you are really not in the right place here. As people pointed out on that thread, absolutely loads of people have mild allergies and take antihistamines daily, it is extremely dramatic to describe it as the torture you and some of the ridiculous people on that thread were convinced it was. Lots of people have pet allergies and choose to just get on with it, and evidently DSS was one of those people as he point blank refused to stop letting the cat into his bedroom even when asked to do so by adults in order to spare him the allergies

It's a terrible lesson to send a child that you will just rehome a family pet due to their mild allergy that they won't take the small, necessary steps to alleviate. You're proving the point of this thread here as much as you were there.

Also unless there are two very similar cat threads on here, I don't remember it being framed as her moving into her boyfriends home, or that the cat was new and they knew about the allergy before they got it. As ever, you are weaving in your own biased narrative.

Why has this thread now derailed onto contact issues and allergies?

Is this just an attempt to discredit SM’s?

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@LauraBassi* you are really not in the right place here. As people pointed out on that thread, absolutely loads of people have mild allergies and take antihistamines daily, it is extremely dramatic to describe it as the torture you and some of the ridiculous people on that thread were convinced it was. Lots of people have pet allergies and choose to just get on with it, and evidently DSS was one of those people as he point blank refused to stop letting the cat into his bedroom even when asked to do so by adults in order to spare him the allergies*

It's a terrible lesson to send a child that you will just rehome a family pet due to their mild allergy that they won't take the small, necessary steps to alleviate. You're proving the point of this thread here as much as you were there.

Also unless there are two very similar cat threads on here, I don't remember it being framed as her moving into her boyfriends home, or that the cat was new and they knew about the allergy before they got it. As ever, you are weaving in your own biased narrative.[/quote]
No, loads of adults choose to get a pet knowing they have allergies and are happy to medication for it. The boy in question didn’t have a choice.

SP wanted a cat knowing sdc had allergies.
SP got cat and zero fucks given.

But that thread is a great example of adults putting their fancies over the child’s health. Really does anyone need a cat that badly

I’m pretty sure if a poster came on and said -

‘I really want a cat but my son is allergic to them. Would it be ok if I just give him antihistamine every day or make him sit in his room with the door shut?’

• that they’d get the exact same response. SP don’t get a hard time they just get told if other posters feel they are being unreasonable. Just like every other thread on MN

@LauraBassi Again, I'm pretty sure they didn't know he had an allergy when they got the cat, and again, the DSS DID have a choice about whether he was bothered about his allergies enough to not want the cat, and he very decidedly opted not to, by seeking out unnecessary and avoidable opportunities to keep the cat close to him. The responses would have been different if he was miserable about it and trying to stay away from the cat. He wasn't.

Honestly the responses on that thread were batshit then and you're just reminding me how batshit it was. Anyone raising a child to think they will rehome a pet for them when they haven't even and refuse to take the very easy steps to see if it is even necessary, is an arsehole raising an arsehole.

@LauraBassi what a spectacular thread detail.

IGNORE.

Also EOW is still very much standard in family courts. Especially where one parent has traditionally taken on bulk of parenting and the other has taken on bulk of financial earning outside the home. So please get your facts right before posting absolute bollocks on this thread.

It’s also fact that the vast majority of family court contract issues are do to do with a RP vociferously fighting anything more than EOW. For a variety of reasons. Malice, maintenance, golden uterus syndrome, inability to get off their arses and get their own job/ pay their own bills. More often than not, it’s just pure entitlement. About an inflated sense of what they are owed and by extension, what their children are owed.

Family courts are woefully under equipped to deal with it. And posters like you are proof that people on this board are just out to give SP’s a pasting.

I cannot wait for the day that this levels out and more RP’s are slung in prison for breaching court orders. I may dance when more NRP’s are successful in exercising COR.

Then and only then, will some RP’s finally learn that the family court system is not their private weapon to abuse both their children and the NRP.
(That’s a thread that needs to be started). How the family court systems help RP abuse ex spouses and children.

Let’s lift the covers shall we? Because I’ll bet you now. 90% of the issues on these threads? Caused by hostile RP’s (in the main women and in the main women who are too lazy to work so spend their days surfing mnet looking for a SP to pile into so they can return to their golden thrones in sanctimonious glory).

@LauraBassi I've literally just found the thread I was referring to and she said the allergy had only developed in the last year, the cat wasn't new, and the boy (who was 11, not a toddler too young to understand) was fine during the day and his allergies flared up at night because he encouraged the cat to be in his bedroom all day, and refused to stop doing so. We are either talking about different threads or you are misremembering, but as others have said this is a derail regardless.

I called a hypothetical adult who would teach a child that it's ok to rehome a longstanding family pet under the circumstances above, an arsehole, and the lesson they are teaching the child is how to be an areshole too. I haven't insulted anyone's specific children, you can untwist your knickers.

So this has gone off the rails with stepbashing again. Will see what mnhq have to say will be interesting

I think people replying reflect a broad spectrum of opinions but generally are responsive to the op. Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship.

I've posted here and got really good advice about managing my situation, perhaps that makes me think more favourably but the hive minds approach I found helpful particularly because my situation isn't as common so I have no real life contacts to ask

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship

Such as? Not to be obtuse but I genuinely can't think of any examples of this happening, just of posters unfairly accusing the OP of doing it.

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship

I’ll just correct that for you:-

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners and their own kids from a previous relationship

OP has a child of her own from a previous relationship.

Also I’d add that OP is looking to safeguard
her own mental health needs, limited to only the immediate aftermath of the birth. Arguably in those circumstances the children are better off not bearing witness anyway. OP has referred to significant MH issues following the birth of her daughter and she’s keen to be proactive against protecting herself and her family from these reoccurring a second time.

I’d suggest it would be far more damaging to witness Mum/Step Mum have a break down than spend a few extra nights with their respective Mum and Dad’s.

It’s pretty important to consider the context when evaluating a situation.

My SS is an adult now, but when I used to post on here about 10 years ago it was awful. You’d always have to caveat every post with the fact that you weren’t the OW or you’d get “you should have known why you were getting into when you had an affair”.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@LauraBassi I've literally just found the thread I was referring to and she said the allergy had only developed in the last year, the cat wasn't new, and the boy (who was 11, not a toddler too young to understand) was fine during the day and his allergies flared up at night because he encouraged the cat to be in his bedroom all day, and refused to stop doing so. We are either talking about different threads or you are misremembering, but as others have said this is a derail regardless.

I called a hypothetical adult who would teach a child that it's ok to rehome a longstanding family pet under the circumstances above, an arsehole, and the lesson they are teaching the child is how to be an areshole too. I haven't insulted anyone's specific children, you can untwist your knickers.[/quote]
Different thread.

Can we just clarify on the cat subject...

There were two threads which were coincidentally posted around the same time. MN confirmed that they were not the same poster.

One was, as PP mentioned, about the OP getting a cat whilst already knowing her SS had allergies. I think MN confirmed this was a troll.

The other, which MN confirmed on the thread was not the same person, was an OP who's SS had developed an allergy, they had had the cats for a long time already, the son had not had an allergy test done so they weren't even sure it was to the existing cats and the boy wouldn't stop sleeping with the cat on his bed. In that thread, the boys allergies were mild, only happened at night in his room and he didn't suffer with them during the day or in the rest of the house. Posters rightly pointed out that it may not even be to the cats and he should be tested before rehoming any pet (and also take steps to reduce his contact with the cat by not letting it sleep in bed with him). OP was actually trying hard to come up with solutions to try and help the boy as he didn't want to get rid of the cat either. She was unfairly made out to be some sort of child abuser.

Thankyou @NewHomeJitters, that does help clarify.

I haven't read the whole thread. But in response to the OPs original question - this is absolutely NOT a safe place for a step parent to seek support. Regardless of the situation, the step parent is berated for her stance. You care too much, you're interfering. You care too little, you're a vile heartless bitch. The double standards are mind blowing.

One particular situation I had under a different user name left me shaking with anxiety and in floods of tears. I asked and asked and asked the moderators to take it down, they refused and told me to just ignore it. Eventually it was taken down and then my account was blocked from further use.

I don't feel the support of MNHQ is good at all, they allow step bashing to continue and always take the side of the bitter ex wife. I'm afraid I avoid posting in step parenting.

@LauraBassi

TrustTheGeneGenie he brought them on his self? Why because he didn’t keep locked away in his bedroom all weekend when he was seeing his dad. Your proving my point exactly. Why should a child be medicated just to facilitate the wants and fancies of a grown adult?

When SP behave unreasonably they will get called out. Just like any other thread.

When an adult gets with partner who already has children they have to have enormous emotional intelligence and self awareness and alarmingly a lot dont seem to have it.

no, because he refused to stop letting the cat sleep in his room on his bed!

he wouldn't have needed to be medicated if he used his common sense. he cuddled the cat ffs! He was old enough to understand.

And fine, if you think that's unreasonable - call it out. I think you're being unreasonable so i am going to call you out!

i think you lack emotional intelligence, and self awareness coming to bash step parents on this thread. I think you have missed the point entirely, again trying to find a stick to beat step parents with by dragging up and old thread and missing some pretty important details out of it.

Why do you you do it? why do you feel the need to post here?

Urgh I see this thread is going the same way as all the other threads for the exact reason the OP posted it!

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship

I personally have rarely seen threads where SMs are actually wanting to put their own kids (whether shared with the dad or from prior relationships) ahead of the stepchildren in any material way.

I would say the main place where this is perceived to be the case are on threads where a mother is trying to get to a position where her resident bio children are able to enjoy the same standard of life as the stepchildren, and that is seen as trying to put them ahead.

For example, threads about who should be sharing bedrooms when the stepchildren have rooms of their own at their main home, or trying to sort holidays where the resident children never get any because it's too expensive but the stepchildren get holidays with their other parent.

I don't see this as the step-parent trying to put her own kids ahead, but just as a mother trying to give her kids an equal quality of life to what their step-siblings enjoy.

On the step-parent board, people often seem to totally disregard the fact that the stepchildren are not the only kids in the equation for a lot of families.

Can we drop the cat debate? Please.