Calling all step parents - do you feel this board is a safe and supportive place to post?

[Bollss]

I would like to know, and would like @mnhq to know, how actual step parents feel about this board.

Do you feel you can be honest here? Seek support? Generally chat about the realities of step parenting?

Do you feel that this board is just used as a place to kick others when they're down?

I have complained to mn several times about this issue and they refuse to take me seriously, so I would like to hear from others who use or would like to use this board for support.

‘I really want a cat but my son is allergic to them. Would it be ok if I just give him antihistamine every day or make him sit in his room with the door shut?’

she didn't say that though did she @LauraBassi - she simply asked him to shut the door when he was not in his bedroom so the cat would not sleep on his bed - nobody suggested shutting him in his bedroom as far as i can remember?

why are you making this up?

See - with the cat thing my question would be why does it always have to come down to SM vs Stepchild???

I didn't see the thread in question but my take would be it depends how often the boy is around and how bad the allergy is. The SM AND the boy's dad(!!) probably made their decision based on that.

I wouldn't not get a pet because someone who comes every other weekend has a mild allergy. If it was a dangerous allergy, then of course I wouldn't get one. Equally if the boy lived with us permanently or even half the time it probably wouldn't be practical.

But again, I don't see it as the stepmum vs the child. Sounds like SM wanted a cat and a common sense approach meant it was OK to get one.

@Beamur

Can we drop the cat debate? Please.

Taking one post in isolation as evidence that ALL posters are unreasonable is exactly the sort of nonsense this thread is talking about.

Nobody cares about the cat.

exactly its a perfect example of people being nasty arseholes based on??? fuck all we even got a real life poster here to prove it for us. At least MN cant deny that it's a real thing now?

Oh look, a step parent thread has been derailed by something irrelevant! What a shock!

I think that in some cases, parents feel guilty for the fact their decisions have led to their children not living with both parents. They then push this onto step parents.

Maybe it's time for parents to understand that the responsibility for their children's happiness lies with them and they need to make decisions to ensure this rather than expecting people who aren't the children's parents to pick up the peices.

@LauraBassi I read that thread and you’ve twisted it.
The woman said her SS had the mildest of allergies which only were triggered when he let the cat on his bed which she’d repeatedly asked him not to do. Her SS loved the cat and didn’t want her to get rid of it but her DH was trying to encourage her to rehome it.
She even said both of her SCs adored the cat and would be heartbroken to have him go.

She even said she’d wash his bedding every time he came and just asked SS to keep his door shut so the cat couldn’t sleep on his sheets.

Soooo not quite the awful situation you’ve implied is it? But your post feeds into the narrative on this board of the uncaring, selfish stepmother doesn’t it.

Just to be clear we have a dog who my SD is mildly allergic to but she only likes to stay over a max of 4 nights a month (she’s nearly 16 now and has her own social life etc) and there’s no way I’d rehome our dog for the sake of her not rubbing her face on the dog or just taking an antihistamine 2-4 times a month. Especially when she takes them daily for 4 months of the year due to hayfever anyway.

Sorry I cross posted with a lot of PPs about the cat thread

When an adult gets with partner who already has children they have to have enormous emotional intelligence and self awareness and alarmingly a lot dont seem to have it.

I'm glad you raised emotional intelligence and self awareness as they are probably quite key to why these boards go awry!

The need for emotional intelligence and self awareness is not unique to step parenting.
When an adult makes a decision to become a biological parent, they also require emotional intelligence and self awareness.

Funnily enough, these qualities also come in handy when a mother separates from her kids' dad and has to navigate EOW contact, or her kids having a relationship with a new step mum, or finances, etc.

Oh, and these qualities are furthermore useful in a public forum, as they allow posters to think and apply some degree of decency and empathy to their views before posting, or indeed to separate their own emotional stuff from another person's situation. These qualities allow people to take a step back and think about whether it's a helpful or warranted post. Sadly, it seems that many RP mums on here are lacking the required emotional intelligence to separate their own projection from another person's life circumstances.

Cat debate needs to be dropped agreed, people are talking about two separate cat threads and discussing as though they are the same one!

The one that wasn't deleted as a troll post, the OPs family had had the cats for years, before the allergies even emerged in the step son. There is no point discussing it because posters are talking about two very different threads and they are getting mixed together.

No more cat talk 😂

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship
What sort of mother happily sits back and watches her own children lose out, miss out or be disadvantaged from every which direction because their parents are still together and their older siblings feelings and sensibilities must always be paramount and their parents break up must be compensated for?
It’s so unreasonable and so unhealthy for everyone involved in these dynamics.

I think that in some cases, parents feel guilty for the fact their decisions have led to their children not living with both parents. They then push this onto step parents

Agreed. I've experienced this myself. Feeling pressured from DH to always be there, spend time with, love, miss etc... The children. It's incredibly stifling sometimes. And I agree, it comes from a place of guilt I think and just wanting to make everything perfect.

Some of the step parents here are posting very unreasonable dilemmas to be honest, generally about prioritising their joint birth kids over their partners kids from a previous relationship.

@movingonup20

If you are referring to recent the post by preggersandtired, I've just read it. She had severe post natal depression after the birth of her first baby and almost required hospitalisation. She's worried about her own child and her stepchildren seeing her in the immediate aftermath of the birth as she described it as being very frightening last time round. She is asking for a week to recuperate at home and safeguard her and baby's wellbeing.

Are you genuinely describing that as an "unreasonable dilemma"? Have you ever suffered postnatal depression yourself??

@Youseethethingis

One who has been severely unwell with PND in the past and is looking to safeguard her mental health and protect her kids (bio and step) from seeing her like that again. Read my response below. And also read the thread that is being referred to here by preggersandtired.

Your comment is yet another example of misinformation, assumption, and projection.

[quote LouJ85]@Youseethethingis

One who has been severely unwell with PND in the past and is looking to safeguard her mental health and protect her kids (bio and step) from seeing her like that again. Read my response below. And also read the thread that is being referred to here by preggersandtired.

Your comment is yet another example of misinformation, assumption, and projection. [/quote]
I think YouSeeTheThingIs is referring to the SMs children in her post.

As in a SM is always supposed to put her own children last over SC. And it not being surprising that no mother wants to sit back and do this.

@NewHomeJitters ahhh in that case apologies!! I thought she was saying what kind of mother prioritises her own child over SM, since it was in response to the comment about a mum wanting time and space after her baby's birth.

Apologies @Youseethethingis!

Thank you @NewHomeJitters!
Apology accepted @LouJ85
I’m a SM with my own kids, and I will scrap like hell with anyone who tells me I must put them last. God knows DSDs mum gets to put her daughter first so I don’t know why anyone would think it fair for me to not do the same for my sons.*

*obviously this is fluid, there have been times where I’ve put DSD first, the point is that she’s not more important than her brothers just because she’s the eldest

Most SP threads go ok if the OP isn’t slagging the child off or indicating that the child has received unfair treatment.

Yes but “unfair treatment” means different things to different people.

Unfair treatment to me means cooking tea for your own small children but leaving the small stepchild to go hungry. That is of course blatant unfair treatment.
(Teenage stepchildren might not want what you’re making and might want to make their own tea.)

But you see people on here whining about “unfair treatment” and it gets bloody ridiculous. Things such as the stepmum not agreeing to be childcare while she’s on maternity leave or the stepmum not agreeing to pay maintenance when her husband loses his job. Or the stepmum wants some time alone with her own children and takes them on a trip our while the stepchildren stay at home with their dad. Or the resident child getting the biggest bedroom because they live there full time. Or the stepmum’s family pouring more time and money in to their actual grandchildren than their step grandchildren.

None of these examples are unfair treatment. Not one of them. But people lose their minds if there is any hint of the stepchild not being top priority in the stepmum’s life. That’s where it gets bloody irritating because some mums on here just don’t get it why their little darling isn’t always going to be number one.

@funinthesun19

Or mum wants to take her 2 year old on a little boat trip spotted during a spontaneous walk with Dad on a DSC free weekend, and Dad says "no" because he doesn't want his nonresident kids to "miss out" (genuine example from on here), so makes them wait til they are all together. Some posters on here would deem it unfair if mum and dad had gone on the boat with their little one, because "existing" children are "missing out". It's utter bonkers what I've read on here, sometimes I have to pinch myself 😂

Incidentally, I read that example out to my DP the other day (we are expecting our first baby together next summer, he has 2 non resident kids). His face was a picture, he thought the Dad concerned had lost the plot a bit. Needless to say, our little boy or girl will be going on all the boat rides they want, whether DSC happen to be over that weekend or not!!

I remember that thread. I can’t even begin to understand why they shouldn’t have gone on the boat. Some posters even agreed with the dp. 🙄

Yes, I remember Tattler was on saying it didn’t matter that the step DC got to do things with their mum, what mattered most was that they didn’t feel left out by dad doing things with his younger DC when they weren’t there. She actually mentioned something about limiting the fun, so some was allowed but not too much, and certainly no boats

Yes, I remember Tattler was on saying it didn’t matter that the step DC got to do things with their mum, what mattered most was that they didn’t feel left out by dad doing things with his younger DC when they weren’t there. She actually mentioned something about limiting the fun, so some was allowed but not too much, and certainly no boats

But let me guess, there was no mention of the bio kid feeling "left out" or upset that he/ she can't have fun with mum and dad by themselves? Thought not.... 🤔🙄

No boats. Noted. Clearly boat trips are the path lifelong psychological trauma amongst DSC...

None of these examples are unfair treatment. Not one of them. But people lose their minds if there is any hint of the stepchild not being top priority in the stepmum’s life. That’s where it gets bloody irritating because some mums on here just don’t get it why their little darling isn’t always going to be number one.

I think it's just so unfair that people on here seem to completely disregard the happiness and needs of any other children (or indeed people) in the household, purely because there are stepchildren involved.

I would never ever mistreat or neglect my stepchildren, not ever!!! But equally I also won't expect never to take my own child out or away without them when they are not around, in the same way that they continue to do nice things with their mother and her side of the family when they are apart from us. I'm not going to refuse to do nice things with my own parents that don't include my OH's older kids when they are getting treats and trips from their own grandparents too.

But let me guess, there was no mention of the bio kid feeling "left out" or upset that he/ she can't have fun with mum and dad by themselves?
Nope, apparently that’s just something younger kids have to live with because they are part of a blended family. No irony or whatsoever.

@Youseethethingis

So it's almost as though there is a narrative that the "first" children / family that Dad was part of are sacred, never to be hurt or upset by anything and must be held in the highest regard at all times. So bio children in a "second" family that Dad chooses to be in are by definition 2nd class citizens who must accept their place in the pecking order simply because they came later in life...? Wow. Just wow. The irony is indeed painful.

Sorry to derail but... back to the boat trip for a second (it really riled me 😂)... how on earth would the DSC even know it took place?? I mean, we don't tell my partner's kids every little thing we do in their absence for 26 days of the month. Bloody hell we'd be needing a journal to keep track. Similarly, DP and I don't recount every last detail of our weekend to my DD when she goes to her dad's. We also don't quiz DP's kids on what they've done with their mother for the past 2 weeks when we see them. Clearly, some things will naturally come up in conversation over teatime, fine... but Im struggling with why on earth do the DSC even need know a boat trip took place in their absence?! Or do some people on here also believe that stepkids can be psychologically scarred by events that they don't even know about? 🤔

The dad’s second children have their parents together which is usually used as a reason for them not to go on the boats. Or do anything or have anything or have any time invested in to them.

My children must now be on the important list now that I’m no longer with their dad.