BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

@dontdisturbmenow

He's got his own dad to pay maintenance did you miss that? Do you think he should pay for the 3 new kids too?? Ffs So he should let his dad pay for extra instead of robbing his own kids by treating the eldest.

What message is this giving to his own kids?

I honestly have no idea what you mean. He's buying all the kids presents?

@Enoughnowstop

It's not banned in the talk guidelines

It's not banned in the talk guidelines because in some contexts in relation to parenting, it is not an unreasonable acronym to use.

You'd think it was rocket science.

It's not banned in this context though is it?

Boohoo you don't like it then don't read it.

Thank you @Pinkyxx
You've articulated much more clearly than I was able to, some of the issues I think are important.

With 4 nights a month, there is also a relative impact on the Mother's earnings power - which if she could increase night lessen the gap.

I agree this would be the case with young children, but not teenagers.

Watching this bunfight with interest. So many double standards, it’s baffling.
There are many other threads where 50/50 shared residency is deemed awful for kids, unsettling and so on, which I can understand as i think I’d feel the same as an adult having to move around so much.
So with that in mind, EOW, half the holidays and two nights a weeks for dinner seems ok? In the week he doesn’t see the kids overnight he still sees them twice.
If he decided to go for 50/50 or for residency, would he be a good guy then? Is that best for the kids, or would he just be trying to save maintenance? Why though, if being the resident parent is such a financial burden? (Not saying it isn’t btw, just saying it can’t be a burden to one parent and a cost cutting measure to the other at the same time).
If he stayed in a house too small accommodate his children adequately and gave them air beds in the sitting room (it’s their HOME after all - or is it?) to give their mother more money, would he be good guy then?
Do teenagers need a good relationship with their father and to feel their place in his family is secure, or not? Either it is and he did the right thing or it isn’t and upsizing was an unforgivable luxury designed to steal money away from their mother.
Taking away all the whataboutery on this thread - what do people genuinely think the ideal scenario for kids post separation is? Or does it depend on individual circumstances?

I stopped reading at BM. She's the mother. No need for the birth bit

@Youseethethingis

I’d been wondering what the perfect MN solution would be too.

IME teenagers don’t especially want to hang around with either parent, so contact becomes focused around their own social lives and preferences (likely which parent lives closer to their friends).

There's loads of men who are worse than your h but there are also men doing more.

If he's making less this year than last year then CM obviously will decrease.

Buying PlayStations rather than uniform makes him a Disney Dad I'm afraid. If he doesn't pay half then mum ends up having to pay his half. As for the uniform being taken back, did you buy with the teens? We have specific shops that it has to come from and teens usually prefer a specific fit of trousers so it's not a case of anything in the right colour will do.

He seems to see them quite a bit but is he doing 50% of the boring parenting jobs like getting their eyes tested, going to the dentist etc? You've pulled him up on not asking or being involved with school stuff which is a good point to make.

The parenting standards that mums and dads are expected to reach vary wildly. Men (non-resident parents) are told that they are doing a good job if they pay CMS and see kids EOW. Women are expected to do the rest because they are a mum and are told they are lucky if they get maintenance and their kids spend time with their Dad even if it's 4 hours a week like some do on here. Dads aren't judged for having a partner or female family member doing the grunt work during that time too.

Your h isn't as crap as those guys and is probably in the average range of separated Dads behaviour but sounds like he's more Disney than not. Of course he's not unreasonable to buy expensive gifts like PlayStation's but it's that he will pay for those but not uniform. I'm not saying that the mum's behaviour is acceptable either but she hasn't posted and you've not really said how much worse the names she uses are compared to "Disney Dad"

@Youseethethingis beautifully put post.

DSC want a key and welcome to turn up unannounced at dad’s house at any time? Given a proper bedroom and not be made to sleep on a blow up bed whilst resident DC have their own rooms? Of course they should - it’s their home dontcha know... all whilst simultaneously just being “dad’s house” that runs on fresh air, just happens to have enough rooms to accommodate and costs zero extra to run other than the cost of a couple of dinners .

If Dad pays the CMS rate plus extras - oh he’s still a waste of space because he only has them the bare minimum... but poor dear kids if heaven forbid the access is 50/50 and they have no place to call their base.

I dunno about other step mums but kids are expensive at the weekend, our weekend dinners (Friday night takeaway, Sunday roast, proper desserts etc) tend to cost a lot more than quick and simple weeknight meals. Don’t most people treat themselves a little on the weekend? Plus we took DSC out for day trips, swimming, general activities, we didn’t just leave them to sit in the house. Bearing in mind we had them every single weekend Thu-Sun it cost us a lot. (And before anyone asks, yes all other costs such as uniform, trips, electronics, clothes etc were either split 50/50 or bought outright by DH). We still got accused of the DSC costing us no more than a couple of dinners a week. It pisses me off that some posters jump on these threads insistent on assuming all men have the same low standards as their unquestionably shit exes.

So now you’re suggesting he tell the eldest with whom he’s clearly built a good relationship with, that he is prioritising his biological children?
He is picking and choosing the fun part of bring the eldest dad. He sees him regularly, buys him things above what he asked for, things that his mum and father can't pay for him but he doesn't see fit to pay towards his every day costs, because, well that's money that goes to his mum and he clearly only wants to pay the strict minimum to go to her.

OP has said the eldest's father pays just about nothing, so yes,if he considers the eldest like his other kids he should also contribute some maintenance for him.

Getting a block of driving lessons when the kid had only asked for one lesson the sane month that he tells the ex he will have to cut down maintenance by £60 because his income has decreased is a wicked thing to do. Passing the message that he could afford to pay the £60 but he much rather play the 'Am I wonderful dad or what' role.

It is typical emotionally manipulative behaviour.

He is picking and choosing the fun part of bring the eldest dad

Yeah cos he's his step parents and that's what step parents do!

but he doesn't see fit to pay towards his every day costs

That child has a father who is paying maintenance.

Are you now suggesting that OP’s OH should pay a second amount of maintenance to express this commitment to that child?

It is typical emotionally manipulative behaviour

Oh stop projecting

Oh stop projecting
Haha, not sure what I'm projecting, that situation doesn't apply to mine at all!

I do know some dad's though who buy their kids' love giving them what they desperately want whilst showing little care for their every day needs.

He falls under the category of dads who have no issues spending on their money on their kids but loath having to hand the money to the mother.

*Today 12:57 TrustTheGeneGenie

He is picking and choosing the fun part of bring the eldest dad

Yeah cos he's his step parents and that's what step parents do!*

Exactly. I have craft sessions with DSD with enough glitter to send DH batty, but do not pay maintenance to her mother. I must be shamefully picking and closing

@dontdisturbmenow

Oh stop projecting Haha, not sure what I'm projecting, that situation doesn't apply to mine at all!

I do know some dad's though who buy their kids' love giving them what they desperately want whilst showing little care for their every day needs.

He falls under the category of dads who have no issues spending on their money on their kids but loath having to hand the money to the mother.

Based on?? Paying what CMS tell him to?

Of he didn't buy his kids presents you'd be slagging him off for that too.

Yeah cos he's his step parents and that's what step parents do
SP once separated rarely see their ex SCs on a regular basis. They don't give them monthly pocket money and the certainly buy them a block of driving lessons.

He is acting towards this kid the same as he is his own children, ie. as his own...except for some level of maintenance.

Paying what CMS tell him to?
I think you are confused. CMS never tells a nrp how much to pay, it tells the minimum he should.

I personally don't have an issue with the sum he pays per se, what is sad is that he had no qualms reducing the amount just because he legally could, yet spending the extra on treats.

If he had kept to the £360 but told his kids he couldn't give extra because of his reduction in income, I wouldn't be posting here.

@dontdisturbmenow

Yeah cos he's his step parents and that's what step parents do SP once separated rarely see their ex SCs on a regular basis. They don't give them monthly pocket money and the certainly buy them a block of driving lessons.

He is acting towards this kid the same as he is his own children, ie. as his own...except for some level of maintenance.

Paying what CMS tell him to?
I think you are confused. CMS never tells a nrp how much to pay, it tells the minimum he should.

I personally don't have an issue with the sum he pays per se, what is sad is that he had no qualms reducing the amount just because he legally could, yet spending the extra on treats.

If he had kept to the £360 but told his kids he couldn't give extra because of his reduction in income, I wouldn't be posting here.

Ah right so you think he should just disown him instead? I see.

No I think you are confused. Cms tells a parent what they should pay. They don't say pay this and extras.

You'd be posting here if he gave them 1m a month each because you always find something to kick someone about on this board.

Ah right so you think he should just disown him instead? I see
You see nothing. I didn't say this at all. What I am saying is either he considers him as his child and therefore contributes towards him overall or he considers him as not his responsibility and therefore treat him at the detriment of the two others.

CMS gives an indication of the MINIMUM that should be paid.

You'd be posting here if he gave them 1m a month each because you always find something to kick someone about on this board
This is nonsense.

@dontdisturbmenow

Ah right so you think he should just disown him instead? I see You see nothing. I didn't say this at all. What I am saying is either he considers him as his child and therefore contributes towards him overall or he considers him as not his responsibility and therefore treat him at the detriment of the two others.

CMS gives an indication of the MINIMUM that should be paid.

You'd be posting here if he gave them 1m a month each because you always find something to kick someone about on this board
This is nonsense.

He clearly doesn't consider him his child. He's his step child. He considers him his step child and treats him as such. What's wrong with that?

Can you show me on the gob website where it advised CMS is a minimum?

It's not nonsense at all.

Does he go to half of parents evenings and sports days? Does he do half the care when dcs are poorly?

He should pay half of uniforms, school shoes, any other kit they need for school. Big days out are less important. Education first!

Sorry, he does sound a bit Disney but certainly not the worst I have heard of.

@TrustTheGeneGenie
In fairness, when it comes right down to the piss take levels of £7 per week it would take a proper rotten bastard of a dad to say “that’s all the contributions I need to make so that’s all you’re getting even though I have savings and could still pay more”.
Just as an example.
At the other end of the spectrum, CMS might be £800 per month and considered more than enough on its own, considering the NRP must also adequately house, feed, provide clothes for his child/den.

[quote Youseethethingis]@TrustTheGeneGenie
In fairness, when it comes right down to the piss take levels of £7 per week it would take a proper rotten bastard of a dad to say “that’s all the contributions I need to make so that’s all you’re getting even though I have savings and could still pay more”.
Just as an example.
At the other end of the spectrum, CMS might be £800 per month and considered more than enough on its own, considering the NRP must also adequately house, feed, provide clothes for his child/den.[/quote]
Exactly. Every case is difference hence why they do not call it a minimum.

Maybe it should be called a minimum so we don’t have NRP paying a pittance and patting themselves on the back thinking that’s al there is too it*
*not talking about OPs DH, just generally speaking.

@Youseethethingis

Maybe it should be called a minimum so we don’t have NRP paying a pittance and patting themselves on the back thinking that’s al there is too it* *not talking about OPs DH, just generally speaking.

Again though it's not applicable in all situations, so no I don't think we should. I am sure there is better systems than the CMS and it needs to change but I don't agree that one word solves it.