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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

624 replies

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 13:39

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 30/10/2020 17:52

There's a deleted thread now which is so very different to this - and was started by a troll, I might add!

Where OP had moved into her dh's house eight months ago and was annoyed that she wasn't going to get 24 hours' notice of dh's daughter (who I think lived there 50% of the time) coming over.

It was ridiculous and I couldn't believe people were buying it. Especially when she casually posted "oh, ok. I've left him."

Honestly, people were just way too happy to believe it was real because of course it played into the evil stepmother narrative.

aSofaNearYou · 30/10/2020 18:15

OhCaptain to be fair it didn't even seem like a troll to me, just the usual pile on that awaits any step mum that dares to say they would prefer to have any notice when their step children come over, or that they should be included in their husband's decision to change the contact arrangement 🤷‍♀️

sassbott · 30/10/2020 18:18

Because so many ‘cold hearted’ SP’s (women) are on here saying they wouldn’t miss their partners/ husbands children if they didn’t see them again.
That’s what they are crying about.

I imagine they are somehow extrapolating the responses into some vision of children arriving into homes with their fathers with some horribly rejecting woman who (through her detachment) is evidently causing immense emotional harm to these children. You would think from the emotive responses, these children are being abused.

Even though (as many of us keep saying), in many of these situations the healthy route is detachment. To step back, give the RP / children time and space for their core bonds (which is the primary bond the child is seeking).

If with time, a relationship between the SP / child can grow organically, then there may come the time that a SP posts (as many have on here) that they would genuinely miss their SC.

The nuances and complexities of these situations, people cannot educate themselves on. It’s far easier to vilify the new woman on the scene than it is to take a good hard look at your own behaviour (as a parent) and ask yourself the difficult question. How are you parenting? And what do healthy/ boundaried relationships look like? And what expectations are acceptable when expecting someone (who is not a parent to your child).

I expected nothing from my DP regarding my DC. Their relationship was entirely theirs to build- organically. Zero expectations from me.
I parented them, fed them, provided for them, sorted childcare around my work for them, ensured all their needs were met. Anything my DP then chose to do (or not do) was his choice entirely.

Will I be offended if he never sees them again? No. That’s his choice. I have no illusions that the bond he has with them is anything close to how he feels about his own children.

KylieKoKo · 30/10/2020 20:04

Thinking about this I think that a lot of the vitriol towards step mothers is rooted in mysogeny.

The idea that the mother and step mother are rivals reflects the way women are often pitted against each other.

The expectations on step mothers to essentially give up anything they want for themselves and accept poor treatment from the children reflects the way that we see women as childcares without important wants and needs.

Justbeinghonestreally · 30/10/2020 20:07

Just want to say again none of my comments were meant to slate stepmums in any way.

Nostrings457 · 30/10/2020 22:33

@Justbeinghonestreally i dont think you were at all.

Itsallpointless · 31/10/2020 07:36

Great post @sassbott

LatentPhase · 31/10/2020 08:09

I do agree with @KylieKoKo - there is an undertone of mysogyny to the evil stepmother archetype.

I mean, where is the responsibility of dads in all this? To raise children in a way that sets expectations of their kids. To be respectful to everyone in the home. Acquire life skills. Be disappointed sometimes - y’know - that’s what I call parenting.

Where are the men when it comes to not constantly allowing their ex wives and kids to call the shots?

These are the questions that need answering. Men should be held more accountable in their role as divorced co-parent. But somehow they are constantly ‘off the hook’ and it’s all about the women. When the woman is step mum she has zero power.

When we don’t hold the lens up to dads, we miss the point.

itsovernowthen · 31/10/2020 11:23

Everything you said @LatentPhase.

In my experience as a stepmother, the most "successful" blended families where Dad is the NRP occur in situations where the Dad:

  • Doesn't allow the EXDW to interfere in the running of his second family at all
  • Operates as a united team with his DW in the running of their household
  • Actively supports/nurtures the relationship between his DC and his DW
  • Disciplines his DC in the same way he would expect any of the DC living there full-time
  • Treats his DC as ordinary people in the same way the rest of us are, rather than treating them as celebrities

Men seem to get off scot-free when they are the NRP...because patriarchy.

As a DSM, I disengaged when it became clear that none of the above would ever apply in our situation. It is sad though, because it really didn't have to be that way.

SpongebobNoPants · 31/10/2020 12:31

This thread is such a depressing and enlightening read... not because of people saying they wouldn’t miss their SCs, I find the honesty refreshing. What’s depressing is reading how so many women give their time, love and often money to a family they had no part in creating, only to be unappreciated and at times taken advantage of.

I totally agree with PPs pointing out the misogyny in the expectation and vilification of stepmothers.

Luckily I have a supportive and respectful DP but the outside negative influence of my SCs DM is something beyond our control and I naively didn’t expect.

Most stepmums go into their relationships with the best of intentions and full of hope and then end up broken

LatentPhase · 31/10/2020 15:32

Yep. I almost think (apart from the negative title) this should be made a sticky

To de-stigmatise the difficult emotions felt by step mums and clarify what makes ‘blending’ such an uphill battle

stout · 31/10/2020 16:56

The alternative thinking of course is that a woman expects her own way in a relationship and effectively Dm /Sm are at odds as they are facing up to their own unreasonableness. There is some poor sod in the middle with an impossible job of trying to pacify both.

KylieKoKo · 31/10/2020 17:03

@stout that statement assumes that the step mum and mum are automatically in some kind of competition with each other.

stout · 31/10/2020 17:17

Not necessarily. It's more not willing to compromise.

Youseethethingis · 31/10/2020 17:25

@KylieKoKo in my case, I think we were in competition as far as she was concerned. There was a lot of “I’m the Mother of Your Child and she’s just your current girlfriend” type messages being thrown around in the early days as DH tried to balance developing a healthy relationship with me alongside his ex fighting back against him no longer being there at the snap of her fingers. He never missed his contact time with DSD, and still shuffled about to suit, but never if he had prior plans with me. Obviously this rule didn’t hold when DSD was ill or her mum had to go into hospital for a few nights.
Anyway, my marrying DH and having his child took away her special status as Mother of His Child and and there was much huffing and throwing of dummies before she made her peace with it.
So yes, I think it was a competition as far as she was concerned 🤷‍♀️

stout · 31/10/2020 19:17

@itsovernowthen

Everything you said *@LatentPhase*.

In my experience as a stepmother, the most "successful" blended families where Dad is the NRP occur in situations where the Dad:

  • Doesn't allow the EXDW to interfere in the running of his second family at all
  • Operates as a united team with his DW in the running of their household
  • Actively supports/nurtures the relationship between his DC and his DW
  • Disciplines his DC in the same way he would expect any of the DC living there full-time
  • Treats his DC as ordinary people in the same way the rest of us are, rather than treating them as celebrities

Men seem to get off scot-free when they are the NRP...because patriarchy.

As a DSM, I disengaged when it became clear that none of the above would ever apply in our situation. It is sad though, because it really didn't have to be that way.

I don't disagree with this but if the EXDW isnt reasonable surely this becomes nigh on impossible.
stout · 31/10/2020 19:19

Well aside from the patriarchy comment.

itsovernowthen · 31/10/2020 20:33

@stout

Regarding this comment:

I don't disagree with this but if the EXDW isn't reasonable surely this becomes high on impossible.

For me, this situation can be managed, as long as the DH puts clear boundaries in place, and makes them known to the EXDW. The trouble is that some men are either too terrified of the EXDW withholding the children, or it's easier for them to bow down to the EXDW's wishes, rather than to be a team in his current relationship.

What this type of man doesn't seem to realise is that you can represent yourself in court, and it costs £215 to submit the court forms, if the EXDW tries going that way. Courts favour children maintaining a relationship with both parents, unless there are extreme circumstances involved.

This type of man also doesn't realise until it's too late that if he continues to behave in the way described above, his partner will start disengaging from his DC, from him and ultimately the relationship.

stout · 31/10/2020 20:59

[quote itsovernowthen]@stout

Regarding this comment:

I don't disagree with this but if the EXDW isn't reasonable surely this becomes high on impossible.

For me, this situation can be managed, as long as the DH puts clear boundaries in place, and makes them known to the EXDW. The trouble is that some men are either too terrified of the EXDW withholding the children, or it's easier for them to bow down to the EXDW's wishes, rather than to be a team in his current relationship.

What this type of man doesn't seem to realise is that you can represent yourself in court, and it costs £215 to submit the court forms, if the EXDW tries going that way. Courts favour children maintaining a relationship with both parents, unless there are extreme circumstances involved.

This type of man also doesn't realise until it's too late that if he continues to behave in the way described above, his partner will start disengaging from his DC, from him and ultimately the relationship.[/quote]
I understand your point of view and you make some good points, but.... speaking from experience Ive done mediation and threatened court (well I actually did put in the application but withdrew when she backed down).

I'm not convinced the problem goes away though even with a court order in place (my solicitor confirmed as much) . It doesn't stop the attempted alienation and bad behaviours.

I say this as someone who hasnt introduced kids to someone yet (although I've only been two years separated so perhaps a good thing as yet anyway).

Figgyboa · 31/10/2020 21:09

@StarUtopia

Wow, I"m quite shocked. How can you have children in your life and then be so throwaway about them?

Would you also not see your dog/cat again if you split up with your husband?

Wow. Just wow.

This!
itsovernowthen · 31/10/2020 21:23

@stout

I don't know your circumstances, but I'd have followed through with obtaining the court order if I were you.

When my DP's EXDW found out we were moving in together years ago, she stopped contact. They went through mediation, then when it came to court she was in tears in the phone begging DP not to see it through, and that she'd let him see his DS whenever he liked.

By the time it came to court, DP hadn't seen his DS for almost a year. DP carried on with the court action, and got a structured contact schedule in place, and since then his EXDW has never dared try and mess around with contact again (though she's brought many other issues to our door!).

Setting boundaries everything step of the way for the EXDW goes a long way towards supporting the success of any subsequent relationship. Yes, the EXDW may try to alienate the DC, but if the man consistently keeps the dialogue open with the DC and maintains a relationship with them as per contact order and outwith the DM, the bond between the Dad and his DC should remain strong.

itsovernowthen · 31/10/2020 21:24

*in tears on the phone

*every step of the way

Youseethethingis · 31/10/2020 21:29

@Figgyboa did you read the thread before giving your input? The question of “how” has been answered many times over Hmm

stout · 31/10/2020 21:43

[quote itsovernowthen]@stout

I don't know your circumstances, but I'd have followed through with obtaining the court order if I were you.

When my DP's EXDW found out we were moving in together years ago, she stopped contact. They went through mediation, then when it came to court she was in tears in the phone begging DP not to see it through, and that she'd let him see his DS whenever he liked.

By the time it came to court, DP hadn't seen his DS for almost a year. DP carried on with the court action, and got a structured contact schedule in place, and since then his EXDW has never dared try and mess around with contact again (though she's brought many other issues to our door!).

Setting boundaries everything step of the way for the EXDW goes a long way towards supporting the success of any subsequent relationship. Yes, the EXDW may try to alienate the DC, but if the man consistently keeps the dialogue open with the DC and maintains a relationship with them as per contact order and outwith the DM, the bond between the Dad and his DC should remain strong.[/quote]
Thanks that is very useful and also very interesting.

Ive maintained contact (couple of periods of non contact but no more than a couple of months).

Eldest is 12 and lives with me now mainly after things finally came to a head in the Summer(that's a whole story in itself).

Based on this I think it may well be off to court next year.

KylieKoKo · 31/10/2020 22:04

[quote Youseethethingis]@Figgyboa did you read the thread before giving your input? The question of “how” has been answered many times over Hmm[/quote]
Of course she didn't @youseethethingis Grin