Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

That’s should have said total arsehead. 😀

I reckon my relationship with my DSD is strong partly because DH and I always worked as a team and because she's a calm, logical type with the warmest heart - like her dad. If she'd been like her DM - volatile, aggressive - I might have struggled.

Also as she grew it became obvious that her dad and I were very important as a source of stability and guidance. Life in her main home was not easy. Her DM wanted her to leave school as soon as possible while insisting she lose her virginity as soon as she was 16. Her DF adored her and made my DSD feel protected. We took her on Enid Blyton style Cornish holidays with my extended family. We encouraged her to go to university and plan a career. As an adult she says my whole family are her role models.

Her DM loves her, no doubt, and she's mellowed a lot over the years, but in terms of temperament she is the type of woman who slaps policeman. More seriously she used to bring a stream of men into their tiny flat during DSD's childhood. Her DF and I used to worry like mad. But my DSD lived through it and is happily married with DC.

‘I reckon my relationship with DSD is strong partly because DH and I always worked as a team’

I would say this is the key fact

I think you're very right, LatentPhase, which I suppose is why I mentioned it first. From when we first met I knew his DD meant everything to my DH and I loved that about him. I could never have fallen in love with a crap dad. I struggled a bit having never had anything to do with children before. He worked until about noon on Saturdays so I was in charge for a couple of hours and a bit unsure.

Quite early on I remember having a right old rant at DH, telling him he assumed I would know what to do because I'm a woman but that I knew nothing about small children and didn't plan to have any. I was very serious about my career and he knew that. He had a little think and apologised profusely for such a silly assumption. We were a good team.

I didn’t miss mine when I left their father, pretty sure they didn’t miss me either. It hadn’t been a terribly long marriage thankfully.

That's the key, a strong relationship with their Dad. My step kids were so desperate for a relationship with their Dad, they ignored everything else around. They didn't bother with their half siblings because they seemed to think we had this lovely little set up that excluded them, which was as far from the truth as you can get. I tried hard to make us a family, but their Dad wasn't interested, he was never around for them or our DC.

Their Dad was still the drug taking loser their Mum kicked out, and I was the one holding it all together till I did the same.

The DSD actually acknowledged this some years ago, and apologised for how they had treated me, I didn't think they'd treated me badly at all, I just felt sadness that their Dad was completely detached from them/us. They were only children caught up in adult shit

I reckon my relationship with my DSD is strong partly because DH and I always worked as a team
I would actually wholeheartedly agree with this too.
In my case once certain things were pointed out exdp did try to become 'a team player'. He did a lot of counselling & really began to understand the dynamics; how toxic they were & where he had not helped matters.
However, by the time he got to grips with all this his dc were too far gone so to speak. They were 14, 17 & 20; were very ingrained in their mother's attitudes & thought processes & had zero interest in, or intention of, meeting exdp half way.
I personally felt at this stage that what they needed was some tough love but it was not my place to advocate for that & he was not secure enough to enforce it, hence I left the relationship.
I actually felt very bad for exdp because he had reached a stage where he could see what was wrong in the dynamics/situation & really wanted to turn things around but he was now dealing with older dc who could be massively cruel when they wanted him to play ball.
As far as I'm aware things have settled down there as me and my children are no longer a perceived 'threat', but they are still treating him like a servant & an atm.

I'm not a SP, but I do get this. I have a SD who I realised the other day I havent seen all year. It really doesn't bother me despite the fact we get on fine and hes been with my mum for 30 years. Lets face it, your ownchildren can be annoying , let alone other peoples.

My DD recently divorced his wife of 40 years. She had been my SM since I was 7,although we never lived with her. I never liked her and was aware she had a better relationship with my sister. What I didnt know until recently was that she frequently told my sister as we were growing up that she was her favourite and repeatedly asked my dad to choose between her and us. I had no idea about any of this as I was young which is all that mattered. I think if you can keep your feelings to yourself then that's fine. You cant help how you feel abs being a SP is difficult.

I meant my dad when I say DD

@Magda72 I identify with a lot of what you say about DV being 'too far gone'

@Magda72 the heartbreaking part for me in all of this is yes, there are children (some more innocent than others), but there are also adults involved. And adults with real emotions, investment and hope for what a future could look like.

I know that as I’ve navigated my relationship, all I have tried to do, is somehow build a world that is not dominated by SC and a problematic exw.
But as you well point out, caught in the middle of this are NRP’s who completely lack the toolkit to manage these situations and not let the tale wag the dog.

The children end up dominating the NR family environment (either intentionally because they are older and selfish) or unintentionally because they are simply caught between two parents go hell for leather at one another.

Unless the NRP can categorically recognise what is happening. Refuse to allow this dynamic to be pushed onto everyone. Not allow themselves to become a huge part of the problem. And (as you’ve all said), become a team with their partner, essentially the adults will lose a partner whom they love and the chance of a happy life.

My partner could agree to the notion of team logically. Couldn’t put in the emotional work required to make it so however. And the emotional work is to be robust, prioritise your adult relationship from time to time. Which inevitably means the children (or EXW) not getting everything they demand.

For me. My partner was more caught up in the fight. And just as big a part of the dysfunction.
He’s lost his chance at a life with me, which is deeply sad.

Will I miss his kids? No. Because I’ve been detaching for so long from this mess, there’s nothing left to miss. And absolutely NONe of this mess has been of my making.

It’s heartbreaking for the adults involved too. None of us wanted these messes.

And for me. Let me be absolutely clear. The one and only instigator to my situation? A deeply vindictive and vitriolic ex wife, who has caused this horrific situation. Precisely so no other woman is near her children.

There is nothing I could do aside from detach. I’ve seen some comments on another thread on here referencing this thread. Accompanied with the comments ‘poor children’.
I agree poor children. Its a deep shame so many RP choose to be such awful human beings and intentionally cause such huge amounts of heartbreak.

My only solace is that I believe in karma. Doesn’t make the breakdown of my relationship any less sad though.

I've seen some comments on another thread on here referencing this thread. Accompanied with the comments 'poor children'.

I've seen comments saying this thread has made people cry. I'm struggling to imagine reading this thread and taking in so little from it that you would react that way. This thread has been a very refreshing discussion amongst step parents but there's an awful lot of people that continue to be incredibly black and white and sensational about this subject.

@aSofaNearYou

I've seen some comments on another thread on here referencing this thread. Accompanied with the comments 'poor children'.

I've seen comments saying this thread has made people cry. I'm struggling to imagine reading this thread and taking in so little from it that you would react that way. This thread has been a very refreshing discussion amongst step parents but there's an awful lot of people that continue to be incredibly black and white and sensational about this subject.

Unfortunately I think actual reading comprehension skills in the population are poor. People just react in an emotional way and don’t actually read what people say.

What other threads?

I’ve seen it mentioned too. Poor kids blah blah blah. You just know the subtext is still “poor kids having those dad stealing bitches ruining their lives”, despite people claiming to have actually read the thread. I think a lot of people are very wedded to what they would like the truth to be, and refuse to acknowledge that in many cases there’s another truth in play.

(I’ve been on the thread since the start under another username)

(I’ve been on the thread since the start under another username)

Me too! I'm interested to know which other threads it's been mentioned on.

You're so right. The onus is still on the woman rather than the dad.

I think some people just can't wrap their heads round the fact that their children aren't the be all and end all to everyone else to be perfectly honest.

I didnt expect the responses - quite an eye opening post - interesting point from @justbeinghonestreally.

Every family is different and has their own dynamics. I find it quite sad though that so many step parents are spending so much time with SC & put themselves out when they dont have an eternal bond with SC. I hope the relationships are woth it because time is so precious

@Nostrings457

I didnt expect the responses - quite an eye opening post - interesting point from *@justbeinghonestreally*.

Every family is different and has their own dynamics. I find it quite sad though that so many step parents are spending so much time with SC & put themselves out when they dont have an eternal bond with SC. I hope the relationships are woth it because time is so precious

The thing is, if the whole evil stepmother myth weren’t so pervasive, people would actually see the kindness and generosity in women who spend so much time with and put themselves out (again and again) for other people’s children to whom they have no eternal bond. Rather than seeing it as some kind of duty, we could maybe start seeing it as something nice that they just don’t have to do.

Add in to the mix the fact that they share their house (often for very significant amounts of time) with children over whom they are able to exercise no control. Even when those children’s behaviour is difficult and unpleasant, day after day.

But instead of thinking, ‘isn’t it really nice of SM to cook them meals/do the school run/read them stories and so on’, what we get is, ‘what do you mean they aren’t the centre of your universe and you wouldn’t give up all you internal organs for them?; those poor children’.

I guess it’s just easy to blame the SM, rather than looking at the parents and the children they’ve raised whenever an issue arises. It’s far more comfortable for us to assume it’s all the fault of some nasty interloper. Especially when that nasty interloper is a woman.

@UnconvincingUsername Brilliantly put.

I've seen comments saying this thread has made people cry.

Oh FFS people need to get a grip.

Some people have such unrealistic expectations of stepparents. It’s no wonder they’re crying... because they’re getting a reality check.

And they can’t handle it.

I've seen comments saying this thread has made people cry

I just don't get it. About what?!

@UnconvincingUsername sorry i wasnt clear. I meant I find it sad as in that SM give up so much of their time its a huge sacrifice. Parents make sacrifices all the time but thats their 'job' where as SM make the sacrifices without the rewards iyswim. Therefore I hope the relationship with the SM DP is worth it all