Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

If the mother is lying and pushing the dsd out then it's really important that she is moves out. Because if the mother is behind all this she is abusing this child.
He needs to get a air bnb urgently and get his child.

• If the mother is lying and pushing the dsd out then it's really important that she is moves out. Because if the mother is behind all this she is abusing this child. He needs to get a air bnb urgently and get his child.*

I think first he needs to understand what the hell is going on in order to best work out what his DD actually needs.

He has his Ex making demands and some very serious allegations about SS and suicide then refusing to answer his calls.

DD is doing the same - texts/calls with "hints" but no real information.

He needs to start separating fact from fiction and in invoking SS he now has a method to do that because as her father he absolutely has the right to contact DD's case worker if she indeed has one.

If SS turns out to be a lie then it also raises big red flags about everything else he's been told.

So next step would be to see if she (as a suicidal teen) has been referred to CAHMS.

The OP and her children have a right to "risk assess" the impact of DD moving in and her DH should want to know exactly what's happening with his DD.

Everyone is in the dark right now and it's impossible to make any decisions as to what's best.

Even booking an air B&B isn't really an answer. It's a short term unsustainable response and since the DD apparently wants now to stay with mum, if she is depressed taking her away could worsen her MH.

If she's really in that bad shape she needs professional intervention ASAP not an air B&B holiday.

There's some catalyst here that's unknown wrt the breakdown of the relationship between mother/daughter and even the DM being unwell doesn't really make a good explanation in this context.

Something has happened and my guess is it must be significant for a mother whose kept her DD away from her father and the OP for 3 years to do a major U turn.

What @Mumoftwoyoungkids said. He needs to step up and take this crisis on, somewhere else that's not your house.

Could it be that the mum is trying to push the dd on you because you are about to have another baby and consciously or subconsciously she is pissed off about that?

Have you seen these messages yourself OP, or is DH guilt-tripping you again? I wouldn’t put it past him either.

I mentioned social services this morning and he said he would think about it...
He didn’t hear anything last night still and said again he wouldn’t be surprised if they just dropped her off and I asked him what then? And he said well I’m not gonna leave her on the doorstep... so I said again ‘what then?’
And he said well ‘I will bring her in and then I guess I will have to ring her grandparents won’t I? I can’t do anything else can i?
I think he was hoping I would say I would say yes okay then that’s different she can stay but instead said well then I will have to take my children to the other part of the house when that happens i guess. He didn’t like that.
I again said I think he should contact SS and added that this was not the best environment for SD right now but also not for all of us to have her here. Again he didn’t like that I don’t think..
it seems once again she can do no wrong. His poor innocent DD and the rest of us are collateral.

I feel on eggshells again on my own home that they are just gonna turn up...

I’m wondering if I should just call SS myself? I need to stand up and protect me and my DC with or without his backing?

Baby due 3 weeks today. X

Yes I’ve seen the text back and forth. X

I agree that you need to book an air b&b if your SD is arriving this weekend.

You also need to involve SS urgently as SD is clearly either very unwell or damaged to the extent which makes her a danger to you and your DCs.

Tell DH what is happening if SD turns up. Don’t ask him if it’s ok or discuss it with him as he, the ex and SD are certainly not thinking about your needs for a second. Make it crystal clear that SD is not staying in your home under any circumstances.

Sorry, I posted while you were @Mummafee. Yes, do phone SS as your DH is too useless to do it himself.

Yes ring SS after all after the lies last time, and everything that has been said you need an external professional body involved urgently.

I’d phone SS and discuss with them what’s happening. I’d also discuss your concerns with the abuse allegations made against you and ask them what’s the best way to proceed considering you’ve already been accused of abusing her.

He can’t turn his back on her. Her mother is setting it out quite clear she doesn’t want her so he needs to look in to getting an B&B till a solution is found.

Letting her come to the house now is going to be an awful experience for you all. You understandably don’t want her there and as a child who lived with a step mother she didn’t get on with she certainly won’t want to be there with you either.

Your going to feel bullied in to living with some one you don’t want to and she’s going to feel an outcast in yet another home.

She is the product of really bad parenting. Non of this is your fault - bit she does need help.

It’s not up to you to fix it but I think your dh is being so passive in regards to dealing with this situation your going to end up in an even worse situation so I think you need to start getting the ball rolling.

Phone SS and find him a cheap B&B this morning before they bring her round. Then tell tell him to go get her and take her to B&B.

I know your life is so stressful right now but this girl needs help too and your dh crossing his fingers that it will all just play out on it’s own is not helping at all.

he is not assertive. he is looking to you to fix things - don't take it on (in the sense of allowing SD to stay)

I would communicate really clearly and calmly the following points:

• let him know you understand difficult position he is in: sorry this is happening to SD. it must be hard for you to not know whats going on.

• don't ask him about SS - inform him if she shows up you will help her by getting help. you will help her by calling SS.

• Spell it out for him that the situation has now extremely escalated, suicide threats change everything. this is beyond what you can fix.

• repeat that the main thing is that SD gets professional help. Every time he suggests she stays, ask how will this help with her suicidal state?

Stay strong OP, this is the moment you're setting new rules in this horrible dynamic

SD messaged this morning. She is at her nannys. No explanation as to why no one answered his calls or texts last night but he won’t ask either.. just another sleepless night..

I will call SS Monday. I’m not her parent I know but she definitely does need help. I’m sad I can’t take it on but I can’t... not with 3 DC and one due, the accusations, no room, myself now under perinatal MH and her being high risk... I can’t see how anyone could think her moving in with us is a good idea? It feels they just want to pass the responsibility on to me for some reason..
I feel like my DH thinks I’m inhuman for refusing.
I’m exhausted. I kinda want to run away myself to be honest! I selfishly feel robbed of what should be an exciting and happy time.
Thank you all for being there. Xx

My DH thinks I'm inhuman
HE is the inhuman one here, but he's not owning it he's projecting it onto you, I'm appalled that he's treating you like this whilst you are very heavily pregnant, it's as if he has the instincts of a predator to attack you when you're at your most vulnerable☹️

I selfishly feel robbed
no you are not selfish they are being selfish and they are projecting it all onto you, making you the scapegoat for their dysfunction ☹️

My take on this is that everyone is waiting for you to go into Labour and go to hospital. While you are there, they will move DSD in to your house and you won’t know a thing about it until you come home with a newborn and everything will be sorted and you will be expected to suck it up. She will have her own room, and all the other kids will be shuffled in favour of the glorious princess’s triumphant return. I think you need to express your feelings on this subject now.

I think @justilou1 might have hit it. Of course that’s the ideal time to shit all over you - when you’ve just given birth and now have a newborns needs to cater for on top of everything else so won’t have the time or energy to get out of your box and push back. As PPs said, it’s predatory behaviour

@Giespeace

I think *@justilou1* might have hit it. Of course that’s the ideal time to shit all over you - when you’ve just given birth and now have a newborns needs to cater for on top of everything else so won’t have the time or energy to get out of your box and push back. As PPs said, it’s predatory behaviour

a reason more to involve SS now. if SS deems the living situation in OPs house not ideal now, it will be harder for DH to move SD in when OPs in hospital

OP your DH does not have your back and you absolutely need to take action yourself as you cannot rely on him to do the right thing by either you or his daughter. His daughter clearly needs help/intervention from an external source and you have every right to get her that help if your DH is insisting on dragging this mess into your household. By bringing this to your door he is making this your problem and you don't need his authority to take the appropriate action.

Why is he not going over there to speak to her in person and find out what is going on and speaking to his ex and asking for what DSD has done that she has "kicked her out"?

Agree that he's letting it lie with the expectation that you'll cave when she turns up at the house. I know you don't want to be the bad guy here but it's a bit late when he's already made you that. At the moment he sees ex and SD as the ones he has to keep sweet so you have to fall into line to allow that and, as you've said yourself, you and the rest of the kids are collateral damage. I would be very concerned that @justilou1's prediction will come true.

I know this isn't what you want, but I think you have to take a stand and go on the offensive. Tell your husband that you are sorry his daughter is in this state, but there are other kids and an imminent new baby in the mix too and he is not considering them AT ALL, so as their parent, you have to. And for all your sakes, he must find somewhere he can stay with DSD because it can't be at the house. And say if that makes you inhuman, so be it because you have had enough and you will not see the other kids suffer.

What I don't understand OP is that if your DH is so upset and frantic why is he not doing anything?

He's being utterly passive in every regard.

If I thought my child was at risk in these circumstances I wouldn't be sitting on my hands wailing to my partner.

I'd be on the phone to CAHMS and SS.

I'd be in the car right on on the way to "nanny's" house to see her.

Yet he just seems willing to let events unfold around him without taking any action other than guilt tripping you.

If he's not phoning SS then why not? If he's going to visit her today at her GP's then why not?

He can't play the devoted dad on one hand whilst failing to make the most basic of enquires into her wellbeing on the other.

He can't play the devoted dad on one hand whilst failing to make the most basic of enquires into her wellbeing on the other.

That needs to be your mantra OP

Agreed - your DH is yet again, expecting you and your home to be the magic wand here. He still believes that SD living with you is the answer.

If a child of mine had threatened suicide, I'd move heaven and earth to be at their home, knocking on doors until I'd get a response. She wouldn't return his calls or texts after threatening suicide and he stays put? His apathy in this whole sorry drama is mind-boggling.

Hold firm OP. SS and CAHMS need contacting and he has to do it.

What I don't understand OP is that if your DH is so upset and frantic why is he not doing anything?

I’ll tell you why. Because the fact is he knows deep down this is a crock of shit, a manipulative ploy by the ex and DSD to flounce back into her dad’s house like nothing’s happened. It’s so obvious they’ve just had a fallout (as most teenage girls and their mother’s do) and want a breather from each other. But it’s too much effort DH’s part to actually get to the bottom of it and deal with it properly. It’s much easier, as far as he’s concerned, for OP to STFU, fall in line and accept her moving back in with no moaning.