Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

No calm conversation yet... I tried today but we failed..but we are being polite..
I was very upset earlier and I’ve spoken to the MW who chased up referral to the perinatal mental health team. They also rang me today but as DH was in the room I think she picked up on that I needed some private space to talk so I’m seeing her next week away from the house to talk things through and look at what support they can offer.
I realise right now I need to take care of me, my baby and my DCs. He needs to take care of him and his DD.
I know a conversation will need to happen though.

A PP has suggested a mediation type approach and that could work. He's not listening and in his head is completing your sentences and mind reading, projecting thoughts on to you.

I think a third party who will listen to you both and give you both valuable feedback preferably someone with expertise in troubled teens would break the deadlock. It shows you are not just dismissing this out of hand - which he needs to understand. And no third party is going to recommend that you just move this girl in immediately, so he will have to hear the reasons why instead of acting like an arsehole.

I don't know how quickly you can get something set up but I would suggest you try to do it ASAP, before he gets too bitter or crosses too many lines.

Unless you feel you want to throw in the towel? In which case your third party needs to be a solicitor and he doesn't need to be there for that meeting.

The reality is that this is his kid. So he's never going to see the truth and his shitty ex playing games is not helping. He's convinced himself that you have some kind of vendetta against the SD because you won't just take her in and keep talking about apologies etc. He wants you to wipe the slate clean.

I think it's important not to talk about her apologising just now, you have far bigger fish to fry frankly. You need to make sure this girl is under control, working to house rules, helping out, and not making your other children's lives miserable or dangerous.

I doubt you can keep her out of the house completely for much longer. But she needs to treat you with respect, and comply. You do not have to put up with her shit and that needs to be your focus with him.

He is NOT allowed to bring her in and have her disrupt the whole house. Your rules or not happening. And fgs he doesn't need to move her in right now! He can figure out how to create a separate space for her to sleep and she can do one overnight. See how it goes. Then one every two weeks. And so on.

All conditional on her behaviour.

And he needs to sort his shit out. What the fuck did he think he was doing making that call to you in front of her? Was he trying to make things worse? Because he's succeeded.

He definitely needs someone else to put him straight. Because he's acting like a fuckwit.

@Mummafee

No calm conversation yet... I tried today but we failed..but we are being polite.. I was very upset earlier and I’ve spoken to the MW who chased up referral to the perinatal mental health team. They also rang me today but as DH was in the room I think she picked up on that I needed some private space to talk so I’m seeing her next week away from the house to talk things through and look at what support they can offer. I realise right now I need to take care of me, my baby and my DCs. He needs to take care of him and his DD. I know a conversation will need to happen though.

OP I think you need to start acting with a bit more urgency before events overtake you.

It sounds like you and DH are dancing round the elephant in the room most of the time - then there is an argument and you withdraw from the drama.

It's understandable why you want to do that but you're on two timetables here; the birth of your child which could happen any time now (I gave birth to DS at 37 weeks to the day) and the frustration of your DH who for all he said less than a week ago wouldn't bring his DD with her suitcases seems to have changed his tune.

By putting off this conversation you're also putting off the opportunity for you to have an input into what happens next rather than have it foisted in you.

By the time you speak to you're HV next week events might be very different.

In all honesty you need to look at mediation (Which could be online) for you and your DH now to enable an environment where you can both put across your point of view facilitated by a professional who won't stand for threats and emotional blackmail.

The last thing you want is a "surprise look whose here" as you return from hospital with a newborn or for that matter this "stand off" continuing as you are dealing with the inevitable sleep deprivation of mothering/bonding/ feeding a tiny baby.

@DeRigueurMortis TOTALLY agree. Zoom won't be the same but you need to actually set this out properly. And he won't let you speak so you will absolutely need someone he respects and will listen to.

I would avoid a hand wringing therapist too. They will be too easy to dismiss and you need someone decisive, very experienced and straight talking. Preferably someone that understands the danger involved.

Excellent posts from DeRigueurMortis and VodkaCranberry. If you have the funds get onto a counsellor immediately, nearly all are offering Zoom meetings at the moment. You’ll be looking at around £50 a session. I started having counselling myself recently and was able to have my first session within 2 days of finding them via this directory: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ Don’t be afraid to email a few and go with whoever you click with best.

As well as going through a horrendous phase with my DSC when they became teenagers (they’re adults now and we get on fine) I was also badly bullied at school so I’ve first hand experience of a couple of different ways in which children/teens can cause huge and lasting destruction to others and how frustrating it is when it’s minimised because they’re “only” a child. If the abuse was coming from anyone else you wouldn’t be told it must be you who was causing it which is partly what makes it such a head fuck when you try to stand up for yourself. I hope you can get some real life help and advice soon.

@Mummafee be very careful with a therapist because your DH might use it as another opportunity to bully you into doing what he wants. In some ways talking to a solicitor would be more helpful to you at the moment.

Do you think your health visitor or midwife might be able to remind DH that right now his priority should be you and the baby above everyone else? Have you told any family or friends what is happening? You need all the support you can get to stand up to your husband.

I agree. Not a therapist!! Not a nodding dog saying 'hmm and how does that make you feel?'. He could manipulate them. Very dangerous to choose a counsellor or psychotherapist.

You need someone to mediate and give advice and to have an expert opinion based on the facts. Preferably with a background in families with difficult teens who is going to understand you are NOT the mother and who is going to respect your position here.

I would be wary of a therapist too. Unless you are all there, he will use this as evidence that YOU are in therapy for YOUR problem to hurt you, and you are already vulnerable enough. I think you seriously need Social Services and a new PROPER, enforced visitation agreement. This half-arsed, whatever the princess wants thing, is never going to work.

Personally my DH and I were on the verge of splitting up until we saw a counsellor who quite literally in our first session told DH straight out that he needed to rethink the way he was parenting his DC and interacting with his Ex because it was his lack of boundaries exacerbating the problems we were having.

In such a clear cut case as OP’s a decent counsellor won’t need to take any sides to tell DH that what he is asking of OP with the terms he’s proposing is unreasonable.

The only nodding dog style counsellors I’ve encountered are those from RELATE so personally I’d avoid them like the plague. I have used 2 very good therapists from the counselling directory I linked to earlier (including the one who saved my marriage) so it should provide several options for OP to find someone who she clicks with.

@MyCatHatesEverybody Are you able to point the OP in their direction? They might be nearby? Also what buzzwords do they have on their profile, in terms of what they specialise in, & the approach they take? Therapists are so vastly different & these two sound excellent.

The Counselling Directory has a list of counsellor profiles which include headings for “About Me”, “Training, Qualifications & Experience”, “Areas of counselling I deal with”, “Therapies Offered” and “Fees” for each counsellor. It makes it easy to compare counsellor profiles and find one you’re likely to click with based on the way they write their profile. I was debating whether to message OP with the name of the particular counsellor I used but wasn’t sure if that might be overstepping?

@Mummafee if you did want any further info just drop me a message.

My issue is not at all with the counsellor, but with the abusive bastard DH who doesn't have any intention of going, or changing his own behaviour. He has already thrown OP's mental health in her face - to abuse her - and I think that if she goes to a counsellor, she will be doing so alone. He will consider this "therapy" for her - for HER- MH problems, and continue to do more of the same. Because he's a jerk.

@justilou1

My issue is not at all with the counsellor, but with the abusive bastard DH who doesn't have any intention of going, or changing his own behaviour. He has already thrown OP's mental health in her face - to abuse her - and I think that if she goes to a counsellor, she will be doing so alone. He will consider this "therapy" for her - for HER- MH problems, and continue to do more of the same. Because he's a jerk.

That's why I think what the OP is mediation services.

I think the DH will go for that as he's so sure he's in the right....

I acknowledge that counselling or mediation may be risky, but for me, twice, it has paid off. The first was when I was married to my ExH and the counsellor opened my eyes to the fact in was in an abusive relationship (I went to counselling alone). The second counsellor gave DH the tools to see his family dynamic clearly for the first time and implement some boundaries.

I know it's a gamble for OP but right now she seems to be stuck seeing everything around her falling apart but still not sure enough in herself to be confident that she's not the nasty unsupportive wife her DH is accusing her of to be able to stand up to his unreasonable demands with unwavering conviction. His ex wife is clearly assertive enough to take a strong enough stance so that he gives more weight to her wishes than that of OPs. In the meantime the demands of DH and his ex etc. are ramping up and decimating OP's mental health and I don't fancy her chances of reaching a satisfactory conclusion, whichever way it ends up going, without some outside help.

You know what might work. Although you may not be willing to take the risk. Is to do a 180 and say yes SD can move in. But explain that He will be responsible for where she is sleeping etc etc . It maybe that he realises once the practical realities hit it isn’t practical. At the moment it just a concept he hasn’t really thought it through
Also considering the current communication between the two of you this may not be possible but I really think he needs to get from his ex some kind of third person / doctor etc validation of her cancer claims

I wish you the best over the next few weeks and hope you can work things out

@Upsidedownpineapplecake except sadly it won't work like that. He will agree to everything and then change his mind or be too busy. Then the OP will be selfish for not helping out. He has also convinced himself the the OPs daughter can share a room with her - and won't listen to anything that contradicts that.

I predict that they won't get through this, he will force the child on them and they will all be really unhappy until SD decides for whatever fucking loony reason to go back to her crazy mum and the OP will not get over a second betrayal of trust - or the OP cracks and moves out.

I doubt the SD will be able to make any future accusations stick, but she will try. It will be a massive amount of stress and hassle and a fucking nightmare.

The thing about (Most) men Is that they must win at all costs. It overtakes them and they csn think of nothing else. Giving in feels like a mortal blow to their ego. And they will say literally anything. Once they have won they can relax a little. The threat has passed. But here he will always be on high alert feeling under threat. Always defensive. It's a no win situation as he is not going to see sense without a significant intervention, and getting that organised when you are 5 weeks away from giving birth isn't easy. He wants what he wants. It's that simple.

Vodkacranberryplease
I can definitely see what you are saying and it certainly is a gamble.
I also think it is quite likely that the SD will come. And there is the possibility his ex is sick.
I imagine his SD the zoo daughter at17 will have an opinion. He may listen to this

I suspect she will be there by Monday

His SD, the OPs daughter is a really nice girl who doesn't want to rock the boat, so she will pretend that it's ok though it's not. Both her and her bro have said as much. He knows this too.

Just wanted to update...

After several upsetting discussions and deciding it’s best we didn’t talk to one another and me having a bit of a breakdown we were able to sit down and have a calm conversation.

I suggested that it was best for all (including SD) that we live apart. I explained that I need to focus on me, my baby and my DC and whilst I know this isn’t what he wants to hear this is all I have right now. However I am not saying he can’t be there for his DD or that he cant go live with her... just right now I can’t deal or manage with that level of stress when I’m struggling as it is.
I reminded him that I am not saying I don’t want to move forward on this. I do... but right now and without us united on it I can’t.

I added that the way he is speaking to me is not okay and that some of the things he has said are cruel. I am his wife and I am 8 months pregnant. I don’t want to live with him the way it is as it’s making me ill and of course my DC are picking up on the tension and upset.

He has agreed and apologised and said he won’t be bringing SD to our house. He said he has been selfish and desperate and felt pressured. He said he hadn’t really listened or realised the impact it was having on me. He doesn’t want to move out either and said he doesn’t want to loose us and will step up being more supportive.. he can see I’m cracking under the pressure and says he will do his best to not add to it. He says if I still feel the same in a few months then we can talk about him moving out but right now he wants to focus on supporting me, our family here and the baby.
But he also needs to step up for DD (as he should) and will be spending more time with her over the coming weeks (again as he should).

I’m getting support from MH. I will look into mediation or counselling for us both... but I am hoping that talking to a professional on my own first will further help me understand the real dynamics of this situation if that makes sense.. thank you for the link to the counselling directory...

I know this is FAR from sorted but after a few weeks of hell I'm glad for a truce. I’ve stood up for myself when I would normally cave and that in itself is something! And it’s hugely due to reading and rereading all your posts that have helped to affirm that what I am feeling and expecting in this is not unreasonable and that indeed my DH is at times an arsehole and that I deserve better actually.

I don’t know how long he can hold his promise. I can’t put my hand on my heart and believe he will obviously.. but I need some calm and some sleep!
He knows I’m serious. I don’t think he saw me suggesting we live apart and especially at a time when he knows I need him.
A part of me feels awful for my SD, my DD and even the ex.. and I think how sad this all is... and how could I help... but there are too many risks associated with it right now. X

I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!! You absolutely did the right thing!!! Be prepared for this to come up again and again (especially when you are most vulnerable with newborn baby) but stick to your guns! You might find that you have a DH who actually grows a spine.

Oh Op - MASSIVE well done to you!
Believe me - you are some woman to get yourself together like that & stand your ground given all the pressure you've been under.
I know it's a long road but here's to things improving for you & your dc.
Again - WELL DONE!

Brilliant update OP. Sounds like he’s had the boot up the arse he was so sorely needing - well done for giving it to him! I really hope for the best for you and your family and this is a massive step in the right direction

Sorry you are going through this

I too am going through something similar - basically the lies and drama but I think we are a few steps ahead of you. We let him come back. He was 16/17 at this time.

I do love him but I hate his behaviour and I hate watching how much he can break my partners heart. It hasnt got better the second time, if anything it is around 100 times worse. He is now 18 and wont work, wont do anything, still lies and is all over the place, does drugs, is involved in male escorting. I was so reluctant to have him back the second time and i went with it for my partners sake but now my relationship is weaker than its ever been because of all this drama.

Your new baby should be your priority - for both you and your husband. I would compromise by saying she can stay a few nights a week or something as that is easy to retract when she starts up again.