Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

Fantastic!! You did so well!!
You are realising your worth, he is so lucky to have you.
I hope this is a start for him realising this and growing a back bone.
Best of luck with the baby

I'm so glad you are both managing this seemingly impossible situation. I'm glad he was starting to be reflective and apologise for his behaviour and beginning to step up and support you. What you have achieved is amazing. Stick to your guns and focus on your new little one for a bit. Wishing you the absolute best you really deserve it x

I’m very pleased to read your update - well done for standing up for yourself!

Hopefully now you have drawn the line In the sand you can start moving together as a team to get the right result for you all - whatever way that will be

This is fantastic. You took him out of the battle by presenting him with what the result of 'winning' would be. Separate homes. And you had thought it through and decided that's what you needed so it wasn't a game. And he proved he loves you and doesn't want to lose you which must be a massive relief. Really great stuff.

And you got to that calm place and over the coming weeks hopefully you can have some counselling together with a mediation style person who will go deeper into what your joint options are and what he needs to do if he wants to slowly try to introduce his D into your lives and what's required of her. Because if is his responsibility to keep her and his ex in line. She can not be allowed in if she is a risk. I'm not sure at this age she will ever be contained but hopefully there will be a way for him to be more involved without it detracting from your lives.

You did the right thing. You couldn't allow this to happen and you were ready to draw a much needed line. Anyway with school etc it will calm down. Clearly the ex isn't dying (quelle surprise) and your every clear stance will keep the worst of their shit at bay. Once they know it's not happening pressuring you will be less attractive to them.

Keep us posted!!!!!

Yes well done OP in holding your ground.

As you say this is a temporary truce but it's a much needed one in the circumstances.

Hopefully you can now focus on the baby and address your MH.

I am very relieved to read your update OP - it wasn't until you made his path of least resistance a path that would actually have consequences for him that he has finally listened. You gave him a clear message that whilst you're not stopping him supporting his DD it has to be managed in a way that doesn't harm everyone else, and if he couldn't do that then you would be removing yourself and your DC from the situation. Which is what the issue has always been all about.

I'm glad we have been able to help you but should circumstances change don;t be afraid to post for support even if you have made the "wrong" decision. Many of us have learned all this stuff the really fucking hard way.

Well done OP, excellent update.

Take a minute to observe what happened here -

Your Husband is the weakest link, he always, by default, chooses the path of least resistance.

his ex and SD are the most pushy - therefore what they want happens.

In the past, he used manipulation and guilt to make you part of him being weak.

The second you stopped allowing him to manipulate and guilt you - he lost it (declared you mentally ill and threatened to take your DS)

the second you suggested separating (=showing backbone and consequences) he changed his tune.

You achieved a massive change of dynamics here. recognise the pattern.

Great update OP I hope things continue to improve look after yourself xx

Needing to reread through all your posts this evening...

Ex wife has messaged saying SD is suicidal and she needs to move in with us tomorrow. That social services have told her that this should happen and if he doesn’t collect her someone will be dropping her off on our doorstep tomorrow.
Seriously what kind of vile person down that to her daughter when apparently she is so ill.

DH is beside himself. SD messaging earlier saying she is having dark thoughts and that her mum and SF are kicking her out...

I need to stand my ground still but feeling awful. :(
I don’t know how to support him.

He said if they do just drop her off he won’t turn her away and whilst I understand what he’s saying- I feel again bullied...And also again dismissed.

I also can’t say anything negative about her. He’s not having that at all. Now SD won’t answer the phone or texts from DH and I suggested in subtle terms that maybe she was attention seeking and I’m sure she’s ok but he looked at me almost in disbelief and is convinced she could be dying.

Oh the fucking drama! Here we go again!..

Are they still saying that her mother has cancer?
Why are SS "apparently" saying she has to move out. (If that is the case they would have phoned your DH)

They are clearly kicking her out.... between u and DH u have to find a plan and fast. So unfair on u. U don't have many choices if they follow through.... he either moves out with her or she moves in.

Neither is a win for u right now 😕 I'm so sorry

Tell him he needs to contact Social Services first thing tomorrow. Frame it by saying they need to tell him the best way forward for her mental health. They won’t have any idea what he is talking about!

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, you’re being so strong and you need to continue doing what is best for your DC. Your DH is only thinking of one child, so you’re the only advocate for yours!! Protect them and your own mental health, time to make you and yours the priority. Your kids are lucky to have you in their corner!

I call BS.

If the situation was that serious SS would have contacted your DH directly.

They would want to assess his ability to meet her needs etc.

There is no way they would just drop her off at your house on spec.

Your DH needs to contact SS himself. I bet they won't even know what he's talking about because she won't be on their radar.

If SD is threatening suicide or you think she's at risk, you need to call the police and social services.

Ex is talking a load of bullshit - there's no way SS would have said that SD should move in with you without talking to your DH.

Reiterate to your DH that you cannot be alone with her or leave any of the children alone with her because of the abuse allegations and her precarious mental state and that's not something you can cope with long-term while caring for a new baby even if she comes in the short-term.

Tbh, you and your DH need to get in touch with social services and see if they can help. SD is a child. If ex and partner are kicking her out and she can't live with you, SS will need to find her a suitable placement with counselling and support. She can't just be left to fend for herself.

Sorry you're going through this at such a difficult time .

Let's back track a bit....

It seems to me that something in the last few weeks has happened that has totally soured the relationship between DSD and her DM/SF - to the extent she wants to leave and they want her gone.

The exaggerations (because that's all they can be about having 2 months to live and SS as they simply don't stack up) smack of utter desperation. Likewise who should throw out a suicidal teen?

So whatever has happened must have been pretty bad as also evidenced by the fact that neither Ex or DSD are saying what's happened but relying on intense emotional blackmail.

That's even more concerning because you have absolutely no idea what you're dealing with here. There are so many possible and awful scenarios that could have massive implications for your family and your utterly in the dark.

I'm sure your DH is very upset.

That's understandable but he needs to engage his brain here and not just take everything he's being told at face value.

My advice is he should text Ex back and ask for the SS case reference and his DD's case worker.

He should say he needs to speak to them urgently to properly understand DD's needs and that if she won't supply that information he'll contact them directly to better understand why they think it's appropriate/acceptable for a mother to kick out a suicidal teen.

The more this goes on the more I'm thinking SS actually need to get involved because there's something very wrong going on here and your DH needs to find out what the hell it is.

Betting ex has concocted this extreme scenario to ensure your dh backs down ASAP...
You can stick to your plan.
He can rent an air B&B for him and dsd if he so wishes..

OHMYGOD They are all as bad as each other. I think it’s time to tell him that he’d better be prepared to get a motel with DSD and make an emergency appointment with SS if she is threatening suicide. She needs help and can’t be around you or the kids as per everything else. You are still sticking to previous statement. Not in your house. He is to leave.

Every fucking weekend at the moment.

I also call bullshit on social services being involved.

If his parents are local they can go there and/or you can be helpful and find them a cheap Air B&B.

DSD cannot be in your home when DH isn't there so he will have to accommodate her elsewhere.

If she's threatening suicide, shouldn't be she be going to A/E for an emergency psych consult?

And yes, get the info on this social worker. Something isn't right here.

I hope you are ok, OP. I am really beginning to think that it may be best for your husband to go ahead and move to a BNB for a while. He needs to deal with his daughter. You need to focus on yourself and your children.

This situation is so toxic. Obviously SD's mother and SD want her out for a reason. They need to be honest to what the hell is going on here.

Once again some sound advice.. thank you.

I’ve gone to bed now and the ex nor SD have replied to DH further phone calls or texts... I will suggest he calls SS himself in the morning. The ex won’t expect that! And your right maybe they absolutely should be involved now anyway as so much of this does not add up and more intervention is needed somewhere in all this.

To update questions...
apparently ex did have an op and is home now but no updates since. Sd wants to stay with mum now apparently but mum is saying she can’t cope with the stress of SD and that’s why she must come so

Right... so you have 2 months to live and your daughter is suicidal... so the best thing to do here is kick her out to live with her father (who i hate) and his wife (who I also hate and accused of emotionally abusing her)..

Makes no sense!

Sorry - some grammar mistakes in that!

apparently ex did have an op and is home now but no updates since. Sd wants to stay with mum now apparently but mum is saying she can’t cope with the stress of SD and that’s why she must come

Ok so this I "get".

If Ex had simply said I'm going into hospital for treatment can you have DD for a week/two weeks whilst I recover then that would have been a very different scenario.

I know even that's not ideal in the circumstances but it feels like it would be possible especially before the baby is born.

All the "drama" around it re: 2 months to live, suicide, social services is actually standing in the way of this if that's what the Ex is really after.

If your DH is really concerned then he absolutely should call SS - he's her father and he should be in the loop. However there's absolutely no way SS would be working with DD and not have spoken/interviewed her father because even if she's not living with him because she's still in regular contact with him.

I'm very late to this thread but sending you strength Mummafee🙏

Ok - time to go into google and find your husband somewhere he can stay temporarily with his daughter.

You need to be supportive but matter of fact.

“I’ve been on Air bnb and I’ve found you a little flat you can stay with sd for the next week while we figure things out a bit. Only one bedroom but I’m sure you can sleep on the sofa if necessary. It’s going to be tight financially but as long as we have no alcohol at all for the next six months we will manage it. Shall I book it now or do you want me to wait and see if she comes?”