Tiresome ex-wife

[otto]

I was wondering if any of you knew of any step-parent support groups in the South London area. My problems are not actual with the SD, but with DP's ex and there are a number of things I need to get off my chest before I go mad. Having to cope with my 7month ds who has a sleep problem, go to work and deal with SD in a house which is much to small for all of us, while ex wife lives in large house, doesn't go to work, owes us money and is now dumping SD on us over half-term while she goes away on holiday as she is 'exhausted' and really needs a break. This means DP has to take week off, which means no pay as he is self-employed. And so it goes. I could go on an on, but thought it might be a better idea if I could find out if there is any help available to people in my situation.

[aloha]

Well, you could use Mumsnet for that very purpose. I also have an unreasonable ex- partner in my life (sort of, much less so nowadays) but tbh, and I don't mean to offend or upset, having his son for a week shouldn't be such a terrible imposition for your partner IMO. Maybe you could all take a bit of time off and spend it as a family. How old is your stepson?

[Twinkie]

Sorry Otto - but what do you want - do you want the big house (why should she move herself and the child so you get it - should have thought of that before you had kids he already had priorities!!), she may have never worked and thinks she should be a SAHM which I don't disagree with until the child is of an age that she feels comfortable to go back to work, and as for owing you money - my x pays £47 a week for our 4 year old and if I could I would borrow money off him because it is bloody hard to get by bringing up a kid on 47 a week!! And yes it is exhausting bringing up a kid alone too - why begrudge her the break its not her fault your child has sleep problems??

As for the thing with SD I am sure your DH doesn't see it as dumping - he should be bloody happy that he gets time to spend with his DS and you should accept it as part of being a step parent. Why can't you look after SD for a week??

[Momof2]

Hi Otto,
I too used to have huge problems with DP's ex, but much of it was my own head inventing situations, I am sorry to say - and thinking that she was trying to do everything possible to create issues between my and DP's relationship. In actual fact she was really trying to cope with her own life with a young DD and full time work too. We are now good friends (but I am very careful not to include DP in our friendship) and regularly take both our DD's out together.
It is very hard to look across the street and see what the ex has and you don't or how they seem to be able to have more free time/hols than you have and I know at times we thought that my dsd was being "dumped" on us or the grandparents a little too often but tbh it was great because we got to establish a really nice family unit that she was included in.
Don't know if this helps - might be a bit waffly!!

[otto]

Twinkie. As you have no idea about the circumstances, you are in no position to comment in the way you have. I have no objection to looking after the child, who is now 9, what I object to is the ex not bothering to ask us if this is OK. We look after the sd all the time and do whatever is in her best intersests - always. The sd is well provided for financially. THe ex can't be bothered to work.

I asked about support groups, not your views on my situation. I will not bother with this again.

[Twinkie]

Oh FFS!!!!

Don't phrase it like you did then!!

[Freckle]

Try here for starters. I think it used to be the National Stepfamily Association. If they can't help, then I'm sure they could find you someone who can.

[otto]

Thanks aloha and momof2. Much more helpful. I have entertained fantasies of us all being friends, but that just isn't possible at the moment because of our tricky financial and home situations. If Twinkie is reading this - I don't want a big house, just a house large enough to sleep all of us comfortably. Ex, not only has large house, but has recently bought a flat to rent out, yet claims to be broke all the time. She dumps sd on anybody she can and always has - even when she was a baby. She took 6 months off work to look after her new dog, yet only 1 month to look after her baby. When sd was very young, ex had an affair and would go out all the time and leave sd with dp. She seems to resent any time she has to spend looking after her over the holidays and believes that she is entitled to time to herself - and by this I mean several weeks. As I have recently become a mother I find the attitude to motherhood quite astonishing. I would never go on holiday and leave my baby at home, yet this is exactly what she did when baby was very young. She also went on a two-week exotic holiday at the time that sd started school. She has a house full of the most expensive consumer durables that money can buy, yet claims not to be able to afford to buy sd new shoes. Feel better now as I've had an opportunity to complain and calm down after message from Twinkie.

Twinkie - I am sorry that you are unhappy with your situation, but not all exes are hard done by. There are two sides to each story and I know that she will have her complaints about us and about looking after her dd, but this is a situation that she chose to be in and she continues to make it worse by spending money on things that she doesn't need.

[welshmum]

Do you get on ok with sd otto? Sounds like she's in a pretty sad situation. Is she ok?

[otto]

welshmum. Yes I do get on well with sd. There have been ups and downs, but we do have a very loving relationship. She is so happy that she now has a little brother and loves coming to our house to see him and be with us. She loves her mum, but she is getting to the age where she will start to question the relationship she has with her. She won't remember much of the stuff that happened in her past, but I do think it has caused some emotional problems for her. She does make comments about her mother's behaviour and asked her why she wouldn't take her on holiday when she goes over half term. We would be quite happy to offer her a home once we move house, but this would cause all manner of problems with the ex and would also put sd in the position of having to choose between her parents, so best left alone for the time being. We are hoping to move to be closer to her when she moves to secondary school, so that would mean she could come over to see us more often. She also has very loving and supportive grandparents who looked after her alot in the early days and ex's family are very good to her too. So all in all, I think she is OK with most things.

[welshmum]

That's good, I hope you find a support group - I've no experience of it myself so can't offer much help. All the best

[Twinkie]

I am not hard done by at all have lovely house lovely DP and lovely DD - what has her house got to do with anything - was she awarded it in the divorce - in that case it was more than likely because she is the PWC (and if she is so awful at that contest and go and get DD to live with you!!) and if she gets SM then you need to go back to court and have to modified now DD is old enough for her to go to work - if not her finances are nothing to do with you and what she buys is up to her!!

[otto]

Twinkie. The divorce was not sorted out through court , but through mediation. DP let her have the house as we didn't want to get into a fight through the courts and we thought it would cause less hassle that way and therefore less damage to the child. I'm quite happy for her to have the house, but what is really difficult is that we are quite hard up and struggling with mortgage and nursery fees and she has a very valuable asset and enough cash to buy more properties and furnishings, yet won't stump up cash when it comes to paying for her own dd. She always puts her own needs or desires first. We've no intention of going to court or trying to get custody as this would only cause a huge amount of upset for everybody. I don't expect anybody to solve the problem, that's not why I posted a message on here. There is no way to solve this, we just have to put up with it and hope it gets better in the future. All I needed was to get a few things off my chest.

[aloha]

I sympathise with you Otto. My dh's ex is married to a millionaire, lives in a £2+million house, and yet tried to evict my dh from his home and even though he is not a high earner, and she does not work herself, was constantly abusive about the money he provided for his daughter and tried to stop him seeing her etc etc. It was very hard, and very, very stressful. And yes, it does stick in your craw when you see someone who has a brand new mercedes but wants all your money too. It's fine to say it's up to her what she spends, but not if she wants your money too! I too have a lovely stepdaughter, which is why I suggested maybe both of you taking some time off during the half term to bond as a family and let her play with her baby brother. Maybe even take a few days away yourself if finances can stretch to it? As for support groups, I just used to moan to my friends, and on the up side, as the situation has gone on and years have passed things have settled down quite a lot. She still won't speak to me (never has) but frankly, I don't care anymore. She has realised that we can't/won't give her money we don't have and a LOT of expensive court action later we have a contact agreement that is OK. It's not an ideal situation, but it is what it is. HOw long have you been with your dp?

[louee]

otto i'm with you all the way girl.my Dh's ex is a bit like your dp's ex ,got everything and doesn't intend to work.Oh and as for the what she spends her money on twinkie most of that money is maintenance and she gets more than the average .Step parenting is bloody hard work when you have to grit your teeth and get on with it. I get on well with my ss but its taken nearly 5 years.(only because my Dp's ex has alot to say about how horrible i am.....i'm not horrible ever.)good luck otto and sorry i cant help with the parenting group other than contacting the step parenting association.Lets all try and get on and not argue girls after all there are lots of people in the same situations ,we all need to talk and have a moan occasionally!!!!!

[aloha]

Just came back to say, even if it doesn't sound like it, I really don't care how dh's ex lives and what she has. The only thing I have really have resented is seeing how much she has and how, despite it all, how vindictive and greedy she has been in the past. Most people, you'd think, would feel pretty cheerful and satisfied. I feel like that and I have a LOT less, but then again, more than other people.

[otto]

thanks aloha and louee. Glad to know that I'm not alone. I've always hoped that the ex would meet a millionaire, but it obviously doesn't solve anything. I do feel petty moaning about money, but it does affect so much of our life. Nice idea to spend time together over the half-term, but unfortunately I had to use all my annual leave to extend my maternity leave to six months. I might try and scive off for a day though.

Being a step-parent is really really tough and although SD I and do get along, it hasn't always been easy. We now have a reasonable contact agreement thanks to SDs school. We had been trying to get it sorted for three years, but ex never would. But school intervened and suggested to her that SD would be happier with more of a routine. So it is working well - apart from when ex wants to change it to suit her. Holidays are always a bit of a problem as far as I am concerned, as she is not working the bulk of the care should fall to her. But she always wants to have time to herself, which means that dp has to take loads of unpaid time off or take sd to be looked after by grandparents.

I probably don't really need a support group now I've offloaded all of this. I do moan to friends, but thought I might be better off trying to get some impartial advice.

Thanks again

[aloha]

HOw much time in the holidays? I suppose this is a silly question but could you agree in advance when holidays are going to be taken? I presume you take your stepdaughter on holiday with you, so maybe you could book yours in advance and suggest she takes her solo holidays then? Also maybe arrange long weekends with you during half terms etc so she can take time off then too if she wants to. You could also coordinate your own holidays so you could either take the same week off, or split your time off with one of you taking 3days and the other taking 2 days. I realise that you don't have much holiday this year, but next year it might be good, if you can get cooperation, to plan in advance.

[paolosgirl]

Otto, have absolutley no experience of this, but just wanted to say good luck. You obviously came on for a bit of advice and support, and I think Twinkie should have understood and kept her opinions to herself on this one. Hope you get it all sorted, and wish you well.

[edam]

Otto, thanks for titling this thread so sensitively ? using the word 'tiresome' rather than anything aggressive.
I can see where Twinkie's coming from as your post was clearly getting stuff off your chest ? vehemently. So would tee off any ex-wives reading. But I do wish you all the best in coming to a compromise that you can live with.

[aloha]

Also, why not post for ideas on helping with your ds's sleeping?

[SofiaAmes]

Hi otto. Welcome. I too have to deal with dh's evil ex and dh's dumb ex (2 different people by the way) and 3 step kids. It can be hard work being a step parent and enormously unrewarding in many ways.
What do you do for child care for your ds? Why not sort out similar childcare arrangements for your sd during the holiday. My dh's ex doesn't work and thinks it's perfectly ok to tell us when the kids are coming to us during the holidays without checking that it's ok with us (both of us work and like your dh, mine is also selfemployed) and whether it coincides with when we are taking our holidays. After this happened a few times, we just arranged childcare for during the day and dh got to spend time with his children at night. The reality is, that that's what happens with our own children too...we don't take off halfterm just because they are on holiday from school. Having a 7 mo. old who doesn't sleep when he' supposed to is exhauting. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it. It will get better. And it sounds like you are really doing your best to be fair to your sd. Good luck and hang in there...you will get a full night's sleep soon enough.

[sleeplessmumof2]

Hi otto, FWIW i just wanted to add a sympathetic ((((hug))))) from another step parent.

I have to say that almost 8 years on i have got used to the ex and her selfish awful thoughtless ineffectual and almost nonexistant mothering skills and am able to be quite civil on most occassions, thankfully i have a great relationship with both my step kids,


Keep posting, ignore the postings of others that agressively critise you its clear that they have there own issues going on!!! and feel free to CAT me if you want a nother person to load off at, happy to sympathise, empathise and try to only give constructive sensitive critisicism

[jojo38]

My BM has had her moments too and is rearing her ugly head yet again with ss, so we believe.
We have a small house, financial difficulties too. Aside from the resentment I am feeling at the moment towards my skids, I have read the replies here and it has settled my heart a bit. I agree with the idea of making the best of what you have. If you get on with sd, then make the most of it. I envy you... I wish I had some sort of relationship with my sd - and ss is now becoming more distant.
Try not to get into the habit of "protecting" dp from his kids...or Ex.
I have and it has made me resentful and I feel dreadful about it. I am learning to come to terms with it but it isn't easy.

Money helps, sure, but family is everything. Its not too difficult to do things on the cheap. My dh loves routine and has to have a roast dinner every sunday. He keeps on about the little money we have this month yet he insists on this dinner... tbh, I love beans on toast!! I urge him to do something different for a change... but no... he won't. In the end I just let him get on with it.

You hang on to your relationship with sd... make it work. It sounds as tho she doesn't mind being there.

How old is she? Can you give her some "responsibility" with the baby? Help bath the little one, or change/dress the baby? That doesn't cost anything... neither does giving sd some security away from bm. She will realise in time just what is happening all by herself. She will know that she can come to you and dp for a bit of support when the time comes.
Don't pull her in too deep... but make sure she knows you are there if/when she needs you.

Try to make things a little exciting for dp too... you can sit and plan with him what you can do with sd at half term. Look thro the papers together to see if there is anything on locally. He will see that you want sd there too and he will be happier too.

He can take a couple of days off, say at the end of the week.. you and sd can do other things together while he is working the rest...My dh is self employed too and I know how awkward it can be...but Go for it... and don't worry about BM and her riches... it is all on the surface. Your riches run deeper and come from within. sd will realise this in time.
(Sorry to have gone on...) {{{{Huge hugs}}}} and have a great half term.

[cuppy]

How ironic that I should see this thread when dh ex wife rears her tiresome head again for us!!

Dh has dd9 and ds6 and we see them every fortnight. We have taken them back today and asked about xmas day(well in advance) and she has asked what we were thinking , which was,
either xmas eve till xmas morn, or xmas day pm till boxing morn. To wich she replied 'no fucking way'. in front of the children btw.

I dont think we are being unreasonable. When the kids are with us she's alone, whereas when we dont have the kids theres me , dh and dd. So i can understand that she wants them. But we want them too.Theyre his kids aswell.50 50. Is that unfair? Then she said the kids dont want to come see us on xmas day anyway - we asked them yesterday and they said yes.

The thing that really upsets us is that we ALWAYS go by her rules . E.g she rings us yesterday at 9.30 am ( we get kids at 10am) and says she overslept can we get them at 11. We say yes . this happens every month. Today she asks if we can have them in halfterm for the two days I dont work - I say yes and prepare to cancel my plans.
All we wamt is to see the kids, and whats really bad is that the kids see her swearing and windin up dh with her comments, which inevitably makes him swear and we dont want kids to see any of that. We just want to be with them Hes their dad.
Hes now on the verge of not seeing them anymore as he cant stand the way she messes us about. And he doesnt want the kids seeing this shit.

Does anyone have any advise. Im thinking of contacting her myself.

[pixiefish]

if he loves them he mustn't stop seeing them because of his ex. He should take legal advice- my dh tells me that if we split he would have equal rights- i don't know how true this is but he should see a solicitor to sort things out.