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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Tiresome ex-wife

145 replies

otto · 15/10/2004 11:56

I was wondering if any of you knew of any step-parent support groups in the South London area. My problems are not actual with the SD, but with DP's ex and there are a number of things I need to get off my chest before I go mad. Having to cope with my 7month ds who has a sleep problem, go to work and deal with SD in a house which is much to small for all of us, while ex wife lives in large house, doesn't go to work, owes us money and is now dumping SD on us over half-term while she goes away on holiday as she is 'exhausted' and really needs a break. This means DP has to take week off, which means no pay as he is self-employed. And so it goes. I could go on an on, but thought it might be a better idea if I could find out if there is any help available to people in my situation.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 18/10/2004 14:57

It breaks your heart to get up and your child not to be there on Xmas morning but I am sure as much as I hate him and wish him an early untimely painful death it hurts the ARSE just the same!!

Momof2 · 18/10/2004 14:58

Jampot - I have always let DD spend Xmas with her father (although we are not amicable really) as I can't bear to think of him on his own for xmas day - she is his only family as he lost his in a car accident years ago.
My and DP spend Xmas day on our own, preparing for BOxing day when we have both DD and DSD (we would never have DSD anyway as DP and ex have always had this agreement too)So we tend to have our Christmas Day on Boxing day. So far this has worked really really well - the kids get 2 Christmas Days.

jampot · 18/10/2004 14:59

Sofia - fair enough but what I meant was if ex wife was completely on her own (no other family)

Original poster
otto · 18/10/2004 15:15

I think it would be really sad for a mum to have to spend a christmas alone without her children. I have a friend who was in that situation every other christmas. She usually spent it with friends as she felt she'd outgrown christmas with her mum and dad. It was really hard for her as she was with the kids for most of the year and the ex was really unreliable and constantly let the kids down, but she felt it was only fair to let him have them every other year.

But being without the kids can be just as hurtful for dads - even if they have a new partner. It's also hard for kids as it's probably one time when they would like to see both parents. There's no easy solution, but the alternative christmas/new year seems to be the solution that works best.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 18/10/2004 15:16

Message withdrawn

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:18

Jampot all situations are different. In our case, the ex ran off with someone else (and now has more children) and so my dh was the one potentially left alone at Christmas feeling sad - until he met me, of course. There was never a day when she was on her own. However, she twice during that time chose to go skiing with her boyfriend at Christmas rather than have her daughter with her. So out of the four Christmasses dh spent as a single man, he had dd for 3 of them, by his ex's choice (and to his delight) and one spent alone.

edam · 18/10/2004 15:27

First wives always get a very hard time on threads like these ? I guess because people are letting off steam. But do you ever think about the risk that you might be an ex-wife yourself one day? And, in that event, how you'd like to be treated by your ex-h's new partner?

I'm just being nosy, partly because I have an ex-stepmother (and half-sister) so find step-families quite interesting.

Easy · 18/10/2004 15:31

In the early days of his separation (before we met), my dh had arranged to spend Christmas day with his kids and ex. He refused other invitations, got to the house, found no-one in. Next door neighbour told him they'd gone away for xmas.

ex had deliberately set him up to turn-up and find no-one there. He had the kids christmas pressies with him too.

ggglimpopo · 18/10/2004 15:31

Message withdrawn

Twinkie · 18/10/2004 15:32

I always think edam that even when you get together with someone and they tell you what their x was like you never actually know the whole story and your DH/DP may have been the bastard!!

Can just imagine if Essbees and my x met up theywould have us down as the evilest bitchiest money grabbing sluts on the face of the earth!!

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:33

Well, if I ever left my blameless husband because he was too poor and shacked up with a millionaire, I hope I would be very grateful for a nice stepmother like me to amuse, entertain, take to museums, art galleries, zoos, cafes, read stories to, roll down hills with, cuddle up with and buy cute Boden clothes for my children. I wouldn't, however, I hope, try to force my ex onto the streets, constantly take him to court for money he doesn't have, threaten to stop him seeing our children and refuse to speak to (or even look at!) his new partner and say spiteful things about her to my children. I don't think anyone on this thread is giving an ex partner a hard time at all! I'd love to have been friendly with my stepdaughter's mother. I'm friendly with her two brothers, her parents and her SIL, but it's absolutely her choice not to speak to me- and she has absolutely no cause to behave like this.

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:35

Believe me, I know what my husband is like.

Easy · 18/10/2004 15:36

Twinkie, I agree.

I constantly tell myself that I only know one side of the story of dh's divorce.

Mind you, his ex can be very inconsiderate when it comes to arrangements over the kids

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:37

Plus, I feel I know both sides as I saw his ex's statements to court over child contact. And it was all about money!

Twinkie · 18/10/2004 15:39

Aloha - I truely believe that you can never know the true story of what goes on behind closed doors in other peoples relationships - I am sure that if my x ever gets another girlfriend/wife he will tell her all kinds of hideous things about me dragging him through court for custody and then for money and she will think I am the biggest bitch going - and his family will back him up and make me into BITCH WOMAN!!

I know quite a few people who have been together for years and then they split and you find out that onewas not at all who you think but you don;t know because they reacted differently to each other when no one was around!!

I am sure Essbee's friends who don;t know the whole story would be shocked and his next grlfriend wife would say that he wouldnever hit her or DS - but he has hasn;t he!!

Twinkie · 18/10/2004 15:40

If you saw my x's statements you would probably think I was a complete money grabbbing cow - but they were all bullshit too!!

Twinkie · 18/10/2004 15:41

Think maybe we should agree to disagree on this.

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:48

But Twinkie, I see my dh with my stepdaughter, and know he does play with her, love her and help her with her homework, so I know that her statement was lies. She has never said he hit her or abused her or anything like that - ever. And she was so keen to cut him out of his daughter's life, believe me, she would have. And he wouldn't and didn't. She actually said that she left my husband because he didn't earn enough money!! Dh didn't make it up. I saw it in her own words. She thinks this is perfectly reasonable. And she is very, very rich now yet she has been a cow about money. All that has happened since I've been with him. And she has no reason to hate me, but she certainly seems to!
Your situation is very different, which isn't surprising, given that it involves totally different people.
I think that stepmothers get a completely terrible rap in general and often on Mumsnet too - probably with justification in those individual cases. I don't automatically assume in those cases that the stepmother is actually in the right. And I'm a mother too and very aware of how I'd like my son to be treated if I left my husband, and can say that I don't think I have anything to reproach myself with. It's hard sometimes though when even the term 'stepmother' is so loaded with negative meaning.

Original poster
otto · 18/10/2004 15:49

I expect that she realises that you can make her ex and your sd happy and that probably makes her jealous, even though she didn't want him herself. Your situation very similar to my own, except the millionaire bit and I too get on with ex's family. Ex wife is too lazy to hate me and is happy that I buy her daughter clothes and take her places because it saves her having to do it herself.

OP posts:
aloha · 18/10/2004 15:55

I have found it frustrating that her family (who she is close to btw) can bring themselves to talk to me and invite me to stuff etc, but she won't. It would be a much better set up for my stepdaughter and one I know she would prefer. I'm sure there are issues of jealousy when you see your child having a nice time with your ex's partner, but my dh had to experience that first with her new boyfriend, yet is invariably polite and nice to him. Actually, she actually was reasonably OK with dh until I came along, so it can't be to do with the reasons for their split, and it must be something to do with jealousy, I suppose. Mystifyingly.

Easy · 18/10/2004 15:58

Aloha
I have often said that it would be easier if I could negotiate all arrangements with the ex wifes partner. On the odd occasion we've spoken, we get on alright, and of course have no axe to grind with each other

jampot · 18/10/2004 15:59

I just think its a shame for anyone to be left alone at christmas

aloha · 18/10/2004 16:00

I feel quite envious of those perfect extended modern families you sometimes see in colour supplements. I find it particularly odd and a pity that my stepdaughter will have lots of beloved and similarly aged siblings who aren't permitted to meet.

Easy · 18/10/2004 16:02

aloha
How long have you been together?

Nosey me

aloha · 18/10/2004 16:05

Met in 98, married 2000, ds arrived 2001, dd due 2005!