Tiresome ex-wife

[otto]

I was wondering if any of you knew of any step-parent support groups in the South London area. My problems are not actual with the SD, but with DP's ex and there are a number of things I need to get off my chest before I go mad. Having to cope with my 7month ds who has a sleep problem, go to work and deal with SD in a house which is much to small for all of us, while ex wife lives in large house, doesn't go to work, owes us money and is now dumping SD on us over half-term while she goes away on holiday as she is 'exhausted' and really needs a break. This means DP has to take week off, which means no pay as he is self-employed. And so it goes. I could go on an on, but thought it might be a better idea if I could find out if there is any help available to people in my situation.

This thread has really got people thinking... I certainly have. I have read as many as I can but a few take my eye. The reply/question about would you let BM spend xmas on her own for sake of the father? It would never happen in my case. But should it ever, then no. I wouldn't. I wouldn't invite her here, but I know how much children mean to mothers, no matter who they are.
Secondly first wives having it rough. I have been a first wife. Hmmm I have to admit that I do think about what I say about dh's ex and make sure I don't go too far... you never know who's saying it about me!! I am sure they are but I prefer to be dhs wife than anyone else's. sometimes. .

I find it so envious that some ex's get on so bloody well with the wife. A mate of mine gets on really well with the ex. They share stories about the daughter, go to see daughter at plays together etc. oh what a wonderful world.

Christmas. My views on christmas and being a step mum. I have to admit that sometimes I wish I could cancel it but it is for kids really, isn't it?

i am not a stepmother but a tiresome ex-wife - but (I hope not to be provocative here) actually I've had enough. I have serious debts, an ex-h who has reduced maintenance by a third, with a partner who doesn't work (no children, but doesn't feel like it). And on top - ex-h says that if I want to see the children at all next christmas it will have to be with him and new partner (who was the affair which led to the breakup - in part - things weren't good before that). he's quite happy for me to spend christmas on my own. I know many of you are excellent step mothers, but for those of us who manage working,children and so on day after day to have no christmas either is just too much. I'm afraid this is from the heart - but spare a thought for the ex-wife. we're not tiresome- usually just exhausted. And as for another relationship - many of us are too busy ensuring our children are ok

Well, in complete contrast, my dh's ex wife has a £2million+house, a very rich husband, numerous staff, no work, and other kids.
She isn't exhausted. The only thoughts she has ever spared for us are malevolent ones. She has done her best to cut contact, cost us thousands we don't have in legal bills, caused endless pain and heartbreak. And I have been stunned and, tbh, hurt (though I should have learned not to be by now) by the fact that despite posting very personal stuff here (yes, from the heart) What I have said has been greeted with frank cynicism and disbelief from others, including people I think I've been supportive to in the past. I really don't think Mumsnet is a supportive or kind place for stepmothers or their feelings or experiences. Even on a board set aside for such discussions.

Aloha, sorry you feel like this. I'm on the other side of the fence to you, being a lone parent, but I certainly don't write off all step-parents as evil.

However, I think any environment is always bound to be a mix of supportiveness and not - I've read some very brave posts recently from stepmothers who have admitted that they loathe their stepchildren (the word disgust was used in one post) and I think if we all as mothers pause for thought and imagine how we would feel if we were forced by the courts to send our children into such a hostile environment every week, we'd all squirm. And it's something that is not normally discussed - the strength of Mumsnet is that because it is anonymous, people feel they can discuss these issues honestly in a way that is more or less impossible in RL.

As a lone parent, I always feel I have to put that point of view forward (though I hope I'd never be so biassed that it would be LP right or wrong!) and I imagine you'd always feel you have to stick up for step-parents - although having read your posts, I don't think you'd be mindlessly partisan either.

Both do a bloody tough job, and let's face it, many women have been or will be on both sides of the fence. I think it's always easier to see the unsupportiveness from the other side.

You don't sound like a wicked stepmother!

Tbh, I am in awe of many of you with step-children. There are times when I'm ready to throw my children out the window, so goodness knows what I'd do if they weren't actually mine! And very often our view of the children might be tinged with our feelings for their mother, particularly if the mother is a witch.

Prior baggage in relationships is never easy. You fall in love with someone and suddenly find yourself in a position where you are expected to love their children too. I don't think any of us included that little scenario in our romantic dreams.

Those of you who manage a good or even great relationship with your step-children are to be congratulated. Those of you who don't have such a great relationship but put up with the situation for the sake of the man you love should be congratulated too. It must be a very difficult situation all round (from the mother's point of view too).

Aloha - I know what you mean. s you can see below I got such a grilling from something said from someone who wasn't even a step-parent. It's very hard being a step-parent and we need all the support we can get.

Gettingthere, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Your point is clear and taken. I feel for you, I really do. {{{Hugs}}} My marriage break up went the same way and he and IT are in the same boat as your ex by the sounds of it. All is not doom and gloom. OK, I'm remarried but that doesn't necessarily make it alright.

Please don't fret about your children and christmas. I know it's easy to say and I'm not saying that money does not matter. Pop along to the CAB and speak to a professional who will help sort out your debts. They will write to people you owe and arrange some sort of payment plan for you which you can afford. I can recommend them to help.

Were the debts incurred by you and your ex whilst you were still married? IF so then he has half the responsibility. My ex left me with a barrel full but as both our signatures were on loans/mortgage etc, I was lucky enough to meet someone who told me that I was only supporting my h at the time... not my fault. CAB sorted out the other bits and bobs too.

Surely, if your children live with you then you might have a residency order? I know it's good to share the responsibility but at the end of the day you are the prime carer, what right does he have where the children spend christmas? If he is paying so little (which is more than mine is paying) then he can't afford to drag it thro the courts/solicitor etc., can he?

If you are finding the hours of work difficult because you have to work, then try to cut down your hours, benefits might help?

I am no expert in this area, so do look further into your entitlements.

My dh's ex has NEVER worked. (she's one of the other type, - the NOT exhausted type) and TBH with you she is a monster... a devious one. Short as two thick planks, so if she can drain the system, I am sure that a woman of your grasp can find a way. My ex's bit doesn't work either... nor do I! Only 24hr mum, step and wife. scrubber, cook, taxidriver, nurse, counsellor....!! I'm flippin exhausted!! I can only appreciate how you must feel at times.

I do hope that you don't think all steps have a go at BM;s, just those who deserve it!! We can't all be tarred with the same brush.(I hope)
I'm both and I have to say the balancing act is tough. I have fallen many times.

{{{Hugs}}} and good luck.

Aloha, not sure about this, but if you meant that I'm the person who has treated you with disbelief, I haven't!
I'm not doubting for a second that your dh is a wonderful father, I'm sure he is. And I'm not questioning anything you've posted about your situation.
As I explained, I'm a stepdaughter myself (well, ex-stepdaughter but still in touch with step-mother). And I was trying to understand some of the comments that regularly come up about exes. Not yours in particular or anyone's in particular.

To be absolutely honest, I felt that it was implied that my dh must be a pretty appalling person with a secret life and a habit of lying, for the sole reason that his his ex had left (leaving him with their daughter, btw, which is a pretty odd thing to do if he was such a terrible man). I was pretty shaken to see him compared with men who were violent, who choose not to see their children etc etc. Also, I did think (perhaps mistakenly) that it was implied that I would say bad things about her mother to my stepdaughter. Of course, I would never, ever say a negative thing about dh's ex to his daughter. She loves her mother and it would hurt her, which is the last thing in the world I would want.

Gettingthere. I started this thread to complain about my own situation. I never suggested that all ex-wives were tiresome. Your situation sounds very tough, but I do have to agree with aloha that step mothers get a very hard time here. The tiresome ex-wife message was my first post and I felt sick (had to throw my lunch away) when I read the first reply. I had no idea that I would get such a hostile response in an area that is for step parents. Thankfully I did come back to find some very supportive and interesting messages which helped me to get through a bad time and I quickly learned to ignore the hostile ones.

Aloha, I'm sorry you felt like that. I am a bit bewildered - have re-read my posts and that was't how they were intended and I didn't think that was how they came across. But I am very sorry that they upset you.

Read them again, because I'm so confused, and I really didn't say any of those things! I don't understand what's going on. But I am genuinely very sad if you saw it that way.

Just wanted to say that I have found this a great site and that I appreciate everyones honesty. I am a step mum to SD and SS but they have different mothers. SS BM is a star and I have a lot of time and resect for her. SD BM has been really unreasonable in the past and very uncooperative. Finding anything to complain about and slagging me and my BF off to anyone that will listen. What I am trying to say is that I have found being a step mum very difficult and often never know what to do for the best. I came on this site for support and by reading your posts I have got it. Very lucky to have a fab relationship with both kids.

Christmas - we have our own christmas the weekend before. Turkey stockings the lot....Children get the best of both and don't miss out on family stuff.

Hey reflection, good to hear from you!

Thanks to Getting There for her response to this thread. I was the one who was complaining that ex wont let us have ss/sd on xmas day.
I always do try to see things from ex -wifes point of view - she's by herself with two young children, works full time and is a single mum (and has bought them up fantastically well, and I have told her this). I , on the other hand have 1 child, work part time and have the support of my dh. I appreciate it must be very hard on her. Your comments, Getting There, highlkighted the contrast in our lives and help me to understand more. I can totally understand that she wants them with her. I think in my case, it was her response to the request, which was 'No fucking way, Never again', that made me cross. To me and dh it just sounded very harsh and nasty. She likes to mess us around alot and command when we can and cant see the children, and to us this was just another way for her to exercise her 'power'.

Phew. Relieved to see something good has come out of this thread. At the risk of sounding sanctimonious, sometimes you just have to put yourself in the other person's place. Which is what I was trying to say further down the thread, which sparked an extraordinary and very upsetting response.

Yes Edam, this is a very sensitive subject isn't it? Very close to alot of peoples lives and therefore can touch a few nerves. However, I have found it useful .

Ive been reading down this thread and agree that there will be ex wifes who will be reading this and there are two sides to every story, However, we must all remember that every situation is different and if someone is asking for a bit of advice we should give it without judgement. We all know how difficult and complicated relationships can get when there are children involved and its natural for otto to wonder why this woman has all this stuff when she has no job. The money her DH pays is to keep a roof over the childs head and food in her mouth (he gave her the house) not to pay for his ex's rental flat and extravagant holidays. Just go to the Lone Parents thread and listen to the women who are having problems getting any money. Its hard enough to bring up your own children but when you have another woman, telling you what you can and cant do? I think we need to salute Otto.

Thanks for seeing this from my point of view Krisked.

I think that my dp's ex probably does struggle day-to-day with money, but that's because what money she does have she spends inappropriately. If she sees something she wants, she buys it. She recently spent 1,700 on a fridge/freezer, which is fine if you have the money, but not when you claim to be broke. She could easily find a part-time job if she wanted to which would mean that she could have a reasonable standard of living.

She's not a bad person and in another life we would probably get on very well. But because the way she behaves has a direct effect on my life and the life of my own ds I find it very hard to be sympathetic, particularly when her life is more straightforward than my own.

My sd was really upset over half term that her mother had gone on holiday without her. It's bad enough when she does it during term time, but because it was a holiday and there was no reason why sd couldn't go, she was particularly cut up about it.

:P some mothers are just not cut out for the job - sounds like your dh's ex is like my Mother - my sister and I weren't even invited to our own mother's second wedding. Now she wonders why my Sister won't even speak to her...........

Perhaps she ought to speak to my Mother, and see what will happen to her if she carries on down this track - sad alone and almost completely ignored by her children - I always go to my Stepmother for parenting advice, the very thought of asking HER sends me into hysterical giggles