Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Tiresome ex-wife

145 replies

otto · 15/10/2004 11:56

I was wondering if any of you knew of any step-parent support groups in the South London area. My problems are not actual with the SD, but with DP's ex and there are a number of things I need to get off my chest before I go mad. Having to cope with my 7month ds who has a sleep problem, go to work and deal with SD in a house which is much to small for all of us, while ex wife lives in large house, doesn't go to work, owes us money and is now dumping SD on us over half-term while she goes away on holiday as she is 'exhausted' and really needs a break. This means DP has to take week off, which means no pay as he is self-employed. And so it goes. I could go on an on, but thought it might be a better idea if I could find out if there is any help available to people in my situation.

OP posts:
aloha · 18/10/2004 16:11

And Otto, glad venting on MN did the trick. You sound much happier now! I think we are both grateful for our stepdaughters, which really helps. I feel terribly happy that I have a 'bonus' child in my life. I really like the idea of our three children, esp as I only had kids relatively late in life so it's rather wonderful to have a daughter old enough to take shopping before I get too embarassingly decrepid myself. Not sure dd2 will be so keen as a teenager to head off to Topshop with her elderly ma .

Easy · 18/10/2004 16:15

If it's any help, dh's ex has mellowed to me since we married 12 years ago, just give it time.

Oh, and my sd wouldn't be seen dead going shopping with me, She's 16, tho' not really trendy

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:16

We have ss from Xmas night thru to New Year so have our Xmas day boxing day which works fine at the mo as my ds is only 3. But what really p**s me off at xmas is not only do we pay very high maintanence plus extras all year but then have to buy as many xmas presents as my own ds!! My ss gets so much it's ridiculous. I'm determined to put my footdown this year.

snmum · 18/10/2004 16:18

my sister used to come to me for christmas as we used to get so pissed off with our divorced mum and dad arguing about 'whose' house we would go to. Not much help with small children though

zubb · 18/10/2004 16:25

be careful there cranberry - totally different situation I know, but my dad and (ex)stepmum used to get me and my sister a small token present at christmas - often just a token actually that showed no thought, and yet my stepsisters and halfbrothers would get loads of stuff. We never actually saw then at Christmas as (ex)stepmother didn't want us. We really resented my Dad for it (the presents that is, we were quite happy not to see her).

snmum · 18/10/2004 16:30

remind me zubb, the worst party i ever went to was one my my stepmum had invited me to with all 'her' family. they had all party games organised with presents for everyone except me, as though i hadnt been invited. Woyuld rather have stayed at home and not have been humiliated further

of course otto i am sure you are a goodstepmum, you sound. i am just hijacking your thread

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:34

Zubb - I know what your saying but how do you get the balance. My dh-ex sends us a list and we get half each. But half still amounts to the same as what I spend on my ds.
I take my hat off to all step-parents because I think it is one of the hardest things in the world. I had an awful step-mother and just hope I don't end up like her.

Easy · 18/10/2004 16:34

Cranberry
Your ss is just as much your dh's son as your own child is. I think it's churlish of you to begrudge his Christmas presents. He shouldn't know anything about his maintenance.

Easy · 18/10/2004 16:36

so your dh spends the same on both his children then?

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:38

God now I feel awful

zubb · 18/10/2004 16:38

I understand what you are saying cranberry - its a minefield isn't it. Does he bring all his presents with him, or does he open them with his Mum?

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:40

It's just that my ss gets 'two' visits from Santa and therefore double what his brother gets. Is that fair?

aloha · 18/10/2004 16:41

God, I've never really thought about her presents with us v her presents with her mum and stepdad. Luckily she is very unmaterialistic and doesn't ask for anything and often tells us stuff is too expensive to get her (!) I do like buying things for her though. Would never begrudge her. Dh and his ex do still sometimes talk about presents though - agreed what each would get her for her last birthday and think this is an excellent idea if both parties are up for it.

aloha · 18/10/2004 16:45

I think two lots of presents just goes with the territory tbh. But your son has both his parents still together, and there with him on Christmas day, which is a much greater advantage. Could you look at it that way to make you feel happier? Also, if your son isn't resentful, then maybe what's 'fair' doesn't really matter so much.

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:46

yes it is fair cranberry - your child is only 3. Surely it isn;t about the money? As a couple you can spend what you like on him, you can't decide how much your ss's mum & dad spend collectively on ss

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:47

anyway before this gets out of hand, it isn't about personal circumstances and spending patterns isn't this thread supposed to be about supporting step families>?

aloha · 18/10/2004 16:49

I'm a stepmum and finding it quite interesting/challenging!

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:50

but Im scared

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:50

I used to buy things and odd bits of clothing for ss but don't anymore as she gets plenty of maintenance which only goes up and has never changed even though I have ds now!

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:52

but don't you want to still buy things for ss?

Easy · 18/10/2004 16:52

I have found that being a stepmother is one of the most challenging things I have ever done.

A friend of mine hooked up with a bloke who had kids a while ago. I said "Make sure you love him alot before you really get committed. The children situation will sometimes pull you apart."

We all feel resentful sometimes. But you always have to remember, IT ISN'T THE CHILDREN'S FAULT.

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:54

Now I know why I'm only ever a 'lurker'. I just find step-parenting very hard

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:54

My BIL pays quite a bit in maintenance for his son (ex works full time too so needed a childminder) and my sisters salary was also taken into account. BIL still pays for his weekly riding lesson and gear on top and takes him out and buys stuff in addition pretty much the same as he would if he were living with him still

jampot · 18/10/2004 16:55

Cranberry - I can;t speak from experience and you mustn't just be a lurker. I am sure step parenting is very hard (hopefully I will never find out). What do you find hardest?

cranberry · 18/10/2004 16:59

ok. Because we only see him every other weekend and holidays etc my dh doesn't ever like to disapline him so it's always down to me to be the bad guy. I've spoken to dh but he finds the whole thing so hard still he just can't cope with it. If I had the same approach what would that teach my ds?