Tiresome ex-wife

[otto]

I was wondering if any of you knew of any step-parent support groups in the South London area. My problems are not actual with the SD, but with DP's ex and there are a number of things I need to get off my chest before I go mad. Having to cope with my 7month ds who has a sleep problem, go to work and deal with SD in a house which is much to small for all of us, while ex wife lives in large house, doesn't go to work, owes us money and is now dumping SD on us over half-term while she goes away on holiday as she is 'exhausted' and really needs a break. This means DP has to take week off, which means no pay as he is self-employed. And so it goes. I could go on an on, but thought it might be a better idea if I could find out if there is any help available to people in my situation.

Thankfully I get on ok with dps-ex so I atleast know what he gets away with at home which has made life much easier

I don't know if this will be of any comfort to anyone, but my dh's ex-wife always insisted on having the children for Christmas. They used to come to dh on about the 27th (26th if we were lucky). Their mother didn't really care about Christmas, just wanted to assert her authority, and this was already going on for years before I came on the scene, it wasn't just jealousy). They always had a fairly Dickensian time with her. Anyway, the moment they were able to decide (aged 17/18) they not only moved in with us, they have never spent Christmas with her properly since. They went there for a couple of hours one year, but that's it. They're 28 and 25 now, and she must wish she'd done things differently

BIl feels the same Cranberry - he doesn't like to discipline him either - my sister just keeps out of it but to be fair they don't have kids together

I have never spent Christmas Day with my dad since 1981 which was my last "family" one at which point, my dad decided to inform my mother that he was leaving her for someone else

I was never aware if my dad asked my mum for us to go over - it was never mentioned - but we certainly didn't ask to go over there. Both my brother and I were (and still are!) fiercely protective of our mum and it wouldn't have entered our heads to leave mum on her own on Christmas Day to go over to my dads.

Still, we're onto Stepmother No 2 now - and I still spend Christmas Day with my mum (she comes to us) although my dad did manage to "fit us in" on Boxing Day.

On the subject of christmas and birthday presents dp does discuss it with ex, to save duplication of presents as much as anything. sd is always going to get more than my own ds as she has a much bigger family, but I really don't think it matters that much. There's also a 9-year age gap, so I doubt there will be much jealousy.

I've just read some of the earlier postings involving court cases etc and really object to the idea that it is always the man who is at fault when a couple split. This just isn't the case. Woman do bad things too. Fathers don't always have lots of money to hand over to ex wives. After all, they too need somewhere to live and need to provide homes for their kids. I know at least two situations where the women were at fault. One of them involved my closet friend. Her and her partner were never married, so he had no rights whatsoever when they split up. She has moved miles away, which means he hardly ever gets to see his son. She is so unreliable that any contact agreement would be pointless.

I also find the whole image of a stepmother really depressing sometimes. I feel quite defensive about it, feel obliged to point out that a/No, I didn't break up dh's relationship. His ex had left him for another man nearly four years previously.
and b/No I don't beat my stepdaughter and lock her in the cellar for fun. She really likes me, in fact and vice versa.
Not every ex-wife/partner is a lonely victim, struggling away in poverty to raise her abandoned children as best she can, and not every stepmother is a wicked, heartless slut who hates her stepchildren.
But it is hard to get away from stereotypes. It is often seen as taboo, sometimes even on Mumsnet, to complain about first wives/your partner's ex, no matter what the circumstances, even though everyone else, MIL, new girlfriend, et all are fair game.

Oh I don't know Aloha I did imagine you as A, B and C.... JUST KIDDING!!!!!

This really is an issue that raises alot of questions but in response to Jampots question - yes I woulsd llow the ex to be alone in order for us to have kids for xmas day. Thats not being spiteful - they've split up and so they will have to compromise and share the children. Its not our fault she hasnt found a partner yet.
If it were me I would be absoloutley heartbroken to have to let dd go to her dads for some of the day but I would have to do it regardless. Id do it for my dd.

I know these threads can be a great slate site for ex wives - but thats not what I'm trying to do hewre. I have no probs with her they wee over long before we met. I just think to reply ' no fucking way' when dh has asked to see his kids on xmas day is harsh. Why should he have to beg to see his kids. Imagine if it were you , how hard would that be? it breaks my heart .

Esbee you sound fantastic btw.

That's really harsh, cuppy. Your dh won't be on his own on Christmas day, he's got you (and presumably your kids). Wouldn't it be kind not to push for Christmas day with your step-dd/ds as well (unless you live close enough for them to spend half the day in each house).

Aloha, I asked the question about stepmothers' views of ex-wives because it looked the other way round to me ? we all post about our partners' little foibles/the irritating or outrageous things they do. But suddenly when it comes to their exes, these same men turn into paragons of virtue who were done down by wicked women. Just felt a bit like open season on other mothers. If I'd seen my (now ex-)stepmother talking about my mother the way some of these posts read I'd have been distraught and it would have completely destroyed our relationship.

BTW, my stepmother and I used to have a real giggle about the whole wicked stepmother thing. Never bothered her or me as it was quite clear that it didn't apply.

Looking in from the outside (not a step-parent, don't have a step-parent- closest I got was my cousin whose parents had a very bitter divorce) I would say its best not to split xmas day- unless it's all very amicable and easy to do- just because I'm sure I would have hated to do that as a child. I would tend to either go for alternate years (with the first year being in the main carers home so they have plenty of time to sort out something else), or let the children be in their main carers home for xmas day itself and have the children for boxing day.

Surely xmas day has to be about what's best for the kids and not the adults? We gave up on having any sort of traditionally expected xmas and just go with what ds1 can cope with - means that we never get that warm cozy glow that you're supposed to feel and everyone goesw on about in the media, but we have a nice time anyway- even though its not remotely how I imagined xmas with children would be.

Hmm hope that doesn't sound smug- sorry my (well hidden) point was that ime trying to get the sort of xmas you want can backfire horribly if for whatever reason the children don't want the same. We had a hideous vile couple of xmases trying to do the traditional "how xmas should be" type stuff and only had a good time when we binned that, relaxed and followed ds1.

Our family issues were obviously very different from those on here, but I think the idea of thinking about what the children actually want to do is valid- if they're happy eveyone else can be as well.

Cuppy - I see your point but in your initial post you said you have them once a fortnight presuamably overnight? Their mum looks after the children for over 90% of the time on her own by the sounds of it and so I don't think its unfair to take her feelings into account. I agree that swearing in front of the children isn;t good but you can't do a lot about that. Agree with Jimjams that surely you should all follow the childrens' lead and if that means the kids get 2 xmas days then brill.

cranberry, I know how you feel about the piles of christmas presents for the stepkids and much less for your own. I think part of the problem is that I have a different idea of what is an appropriate amount of present to give at xmas than dh's ex does. In the end I decided to give dh's kids something in between what I would choose to give and what their mother thinks they ought to get. This ends up being substantially more than what my children get, but I'm not worried that my children get less because in a way I feel that they are really getting more because they get to grow up in a household with both their parents and I feel bad for dh's kids who don't get to do that. And not that more presents will make up for that, but it's at least a little acknowledgement that they are getting a bit of a raw deal through no fault of their own. I think really the best thing is to do what will make the children the happiest.

Ah but Edam, apart from mentioning dh's burgeoning nasal hair the other day , I don't actually criticise him as a husband or a father. He gets up nearly every single day with ds to let me sleep and to play with him. He is a most loving, involved father to his son and his daughter who absolutely worship him. He is absolutely committed to family life and to me. You should see his stepdaughter's schoolbooks from when she was five - all her 'news' pages were of the things she did with her daddy - puppet shows, theatre, visits to grandparents (including his ex's parents), farms etc etc, all as a single parent. Yes, I do criticise his ex. She's been vile to us, is appallingly rude to me, has been so bitchy about me to her daughter (my stepdaughter) that I've actually heard my stepdaughter say to her on the phone 'Mummy, don't say that. It's really rude." And incredibly grasping despite far outstripping us in wealth. It's all true. She may be a mother, but so am I and that's never held her back! I do rather resent the idea that because this woman has a child it makes her absolutely beyond criticism. I think if you'd seen my rather large, Northern, resilient husband reduced to tears by it all as often as I had, you might feel differently. I think I tried to answer you very honestly but I did think the phrase, "how would you like to be treated if you were an ex partner" did contain an implied criticism. I would love to know what I have done to treat this woman badly!

If you are a second wife people just assume you split the first marriage up for some strange reason [anger]

And I also think that 'as a mother' I consider her behaviour is even worse. My husband was his daughter's primary carer for nearly three years, until her mother wanted her back, when he reluctantly agreed to this. He then had her at weekends for three nights, so shared care. She was with her now dh, he was alone. Yet she still went to court to ask that he should only be allowed to see his daughter for one full day a MONTH. I think that's absolutely wicked, both as dh's wife and as a mother.

I realise I probably sound very defensive. But we - and particularly my dh - went through hell about this. It was very, very painful and still feels quite raw sometimes.

And I totally agree with you snmum! They almost invariably do. Frustrating, isn't it?

yes!! I met my husband 2 years after he got divorced ffs

how old is your ss cranberry? I have a dss and dsd aged 14 and 13 and we have had hell for years but it has calmed down. Yes its hard to trust that the new calm relationship is here to stay but its probably been a year so heres hopping.

I am by nature a jealous person (cant help it but there you go) but have never resented the amount of gifts my step kids get compared to my kids. I think its a sorry price they pay for not having the stability and love of a family unit, its there consolation for being split in two or four or six so many times. Quite often when they feel they are been asked to choose we try to turn it into a positive by pointing out to them that they have more holidays than most, more grandparents to spoil them than most etc etc. Do you resent your ss having holidays with his mum as well as with you?

HOWEVER, we too got into the rut of spoiling them to compensate (my dp felt so much guilt for not being able to sustain his marraige with his awful-ex) but ex amount of years on when our own children came on the scene i have become enormously upset with the sheer waste of money and indulgence and put my foot down for all the children last year and got my dp to agree that all the kids get less presents and loads less money spent on them. My dp seemed to have got into a mindset of 'is it enough' and eventually it was just so disgusting they didnt even enjoy or remember what they got.
Last year i even took some that have never been opened out of the play room a couple of months after birthdays and christmas and recycled them for gifts for other children. you know the kids didnt (havent ) even noticed.

Sadly for them their mother will not let them take anything from us home so we end up with all the junk, but i just keep saying to myself that they have a warm loving safe happy environment to visit whenever they want. Perhaps some of this may help and perhaps time will just help!!! Keep venting tho' IME it really does help!!

Congratulations on your dd's achievements btw. Fantastic!

awww thanks aloha

The ex likes people to believe that my dp walked out on her and his child and that she is struggling as a single parent. She mistrusts me as I was the person responsible for encouraging dp to change his life. I actually met my dp about 3 years after he split with wife. They were still living in the same home because she had run up an enormous debt that had to be repaid. Dp didn?t earn enough to be able to go and live anywhere large enough to provide a home for himself and his dd.

The ex was seeing somebody and dp had to tolerate him staying over in their home. All of dp?s salary went into the house. Money from a lodger went to repay the debt. The ex worked just two days a week to repay her debt yet still sent her dd to nursery full time. Dp was the primary carer for his dd for the first five years of her life. It broke his heart to leave his dd behind, but he had little choice as he didn?t want to uproot her from her home, school and friends. It took him over a year to decide what to do, but decided that it was better for his dd to see him as a happy person, than the person he had been while stuck in the miserable situation with the ex.

She is no longer with her partner, who was a really decent person and had a good relationship with the dd. The situation she is in is of her own making. It suited her to have dp living at home, looking after dd, paying the bills, leaving her free to do whatever she liked.

In an attempt to do what was best, dp lost the right to see his daughter every day and his home. We are several years down the line and thankfully we are now very happy and his dd has adjusted very well.

can i just add that as someone who WAS a third party involved in "splitting them up" (as if a woman can "make" a man leave his partner/wife unless he's fundamentally unhappy anyway!!) this does NOT automatically make me a terrible person, a monster, a bitch, a whore or whatever else people may have chosen to call me at the time. And as far as being a stepmum I am a loving, caring and generally speaking fun step parent, who has the same struggles which beign a step parents invariably entails as everyone else - but 99% of the time think it's totally worth it. Whilst the ex has every right to have a certain role to play in our lives because of the kids, what does become a real pain in the arse when she starts to think she can have a say in our own personal relationships (eg when she first heard we wanted a baby of her own she thought she should have been consulted first!!) luckily however, despite the circumstances surrounding how i got together with my dp, we now have, on the whole, a very good, civilised and mutually beneficial relationship with the ex. And I'm sure she would be the last person to refer to me as a wicked step-monster.
it's a tough game this step-parenting thing, but no one has a right to stereotype us because of their personal negative experiences.
i doubt any wicked step parents would be seen on MN as that would indicate a degree of concern for the kids involved.