Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

You are clearly caring to dsd but you need help.
So send them to school weighing up risks
Use some money to pay for help
State that oh HAS to take dc even if it slows him down

If you end up in hospital with pregnancy complications what will happen?
Where is your contingency?

Her father needs to parent her more, you need to stop doing Everything . Of course it’s suits him . But it doesn't suit his child or you.

I don’t mean you need to persuade him, you need to just stop.

OP this is a really tough situation and I don't see any easy answers.

Your OH obviously needs to step up more with childcare - is there any way that some of the big jobs he is currently doing 'to help in the long run' can be put on hold for 12 months or so?

@SionnachGlic

Hang on...this has gone from an every 2 weeks routine to being up ended by covid -19 to 5-6weeks running now & Ex taking the piss & using ye as childcare & DSD deciding not to go home herself...to now the Ex blatantly not wanting her daughter??

If you believe that, tell DH he needs to apply for fulltime custody & child maintenance for DSD. If she blatantly does not want her child, then that is a whole different story...

I agree, if DSD appears to have moved in with the mum making no attempts to see her or ask for her back then you may as well have full custody and get the £. Maybe that would be a wake up call to the mum, and it would at least be a start in DSD feel secure and wanted by someone.

I’m from a farming family and understand life for a farmer is not normal, so perhaps now is the time for crisis management and when the peak of farming is over then the shit needs to get really real.

Are you dead set on having the baby? Sorry if that’s really a not OK thing to ask but you legally still have 8 weeks. you’ve said it was a mistake and isn’t really wanted, do you really want to be a lone parent to 5 children, one of whom isn’t yours, with a dad that doesn’t give a shit about any of them?

I could have been your DSD when I was 10! My mum wasn't very hands on so we were very independent very young. She had a boyfriend and we'd get in from school, shed cook dinner, chat and do crosswords with him, then go up to bed early and lock the door so we were sort of left to our own devices.

My dad's house was brilliant and I loved it there. He wasn't hands on and was pretty shitty but my step mum was amazing. I acted more childish at my dad's house because I was allowed to be a child. There was routine and fun and everything a child needs. Maybe this is what's happening to your DSD.

@powkin I don’t think I could do that. I’ve had miscarriages earlier than this which were horrendous. I’ll find a way. I don’t want to do that but I can see why you’ve asked.

@OnTheRollercoasterCalledLife Thank you for your input - sounds very similar to DSD’s mum and dad. I’m sorry that happened to you and that you were dealt that hand, I’m pleased you have good memories of your step mum, are you still close?

If you would prefer for DSD not to go back to her mum, you're going to have to force your husband to step up more.

Have one last conversation with DH about what you need him to do, and if he ignores you, tell him you are going to have to go to your mum's for a few days as you can no longer cope. Stay at your mum's for at least 3 days so she can do a bit of babysitting, and you can be looked after for once.

Keep in regular contact with DH, having conversations about what he's up to, and the routine he had put in place for DSD. If he doesn't do any of that and simply packs her off to her mum's, that tells you that her own DF won't put her needs first, so why should you as her DSM.

If he's likely to send her back, I'd probably start making plans to leave him if I was you. He's not going to change, and it'll be even harder for you when the new baby comes, and he behaves like an extra child that you can do without!

Something’s got to give.

If you’re not careful your midwife / GP will be putting you on bed rest or admitting you. Then the kids / OH will be fucked.

You do have options:

1. Talk to your midwife / GP re the infection risks of your household. School / summer, key worker help / nursery will be necessary.

1. DSD spending time with her DM. Again necessary - as much for DSD as you.

1. Does DSD have grandparents that can help?

1. Can any set of grandparents help?

1. OH has to temporarily stop the other non-essential work on barn & extension.

Did you have any plans post birth? What if you have a C-section?

You are not the house drudge.
You have the right to a healthy pregnancy and to take time to recover. Your OH does not get to abdicate all responsibility.
Your OH is choosing to be absent / not help.

Just an aside - are you married? Is the farm, family owned or are you tenants?

@OnTheRollercoasterCalledLife. You reminded me of a schoolfriend when I was late primary into v early teens. I was in her house once & asked where was her Mum...she said she was.upstairs in bed with her Dad...it was about 4.30 pm...she then explained that her parents used to go upstairs regularly & lock the door for sex. I rem thinking my parents were so prudish, so conservative, like in this house I thought things were open. She, like you, was left to her own devices, no curfew, boyfriends, she could easily get alcohol at home. My teenage years were not unlike covid lockdown! Years later she told me she loved coming to mine that my parents so clearly loved each other & were united together in raising us & having rules & boundaries. She said her father did nothing with them or for them except earn money, Her Mother didn't work as she needed to be available for 'his needs', there was no structure or discipline, she kind of did shopping & left them to it. I realise now she didn't feel loved or wanted & they were both there. You can martyr yourself OP...but this DSD needs her parents to see her & care...they are present but not & that must be hurtful.

@BadgertheBodger yes I’ve suggested this re him taking one of the older girls out to help etc but he says they slow him down and he doesn’t get enough done.
Jesus Christ. Tell him to pretend you have left him and he’s a single parent to 5 children and taking just one along with him for a chore will seem like a fucking holiday so he’d better get used to it, this will be his regular run from now on. Tell him to make sure he says something positive to them each time, and before he knows it, he will be on the way to being a half assed dad.

It’s either sen or emotional behavioural problems as that’s not typical. My son has sen and I’ve had some similar issues. At moment she gets attention for behaving badly or being needy. So you need turn that round and reward and give attention for the positive stuff. Ignore tantrums as much as possible. Get a reward chart. Write a daily schedule so she knows what will happen each day. Set rules and write them down. Make some 1:1 time for you and her when others in bed and put on schedule. Put visual or written instructions in shower. Twinkl website has these resources under SEN. It’s more work initially but pays off. Expect things may get worse before they get better as she is used to bad behaviour working to get people’s attention. How does she do at school is she immature / behind there? You may have to give 6 year old reward chart too to be fair. Teaching life skills, independence and getting her behaviour sorted is more important than schoolwork. It’s not fair you’ve been landed with this but her real parents aren’t stepping up.i would be very worried about her teen years if she’s like this at 10 and worried about where she will seek attention from if her parents keep ignoring her. I’ve had to make huge financial sacrifices having an Sen child so while I get your DH is trying to improve things for your family at what cost to his daughter? How will she cope at secondary with the maturity of a 6 year old? I would also be speaking to school and explaining your concerns. Your DH won’t know what’s normal if he doesn’t spend much time with children and the mum may not have noticed or care. I think the school also need to know about the situation with the mum that she doesn’t want to go there rings alarm bells. Schools are experienced in dealing with a range needs and can advise and link up to support. I don’t want to scare you but kids like this are high risk for grooming, drugs, alcohol, abuse etc as teens. I think you need to explain to your DH there may be more going on here. It could be attachment issues, her mums poor parenting or it could be autism or some other undiagnosed sen. But it’s not something that is going to get better on its own. Being like a 6 year old when you are 10 is not normal.

@user1488481370

We were close for a very long time but unfortunately are NC now as she started a relationship with one of my dad's close relatives and it completely tore the family apart. I honestly think you DSD loves you and your family more than you think
She probably feels very safe and secure with you which is why shes not expressed an interest to return to her mum. I can remember having cuddles and watching tv with my step mum, something that I could never do with my mum. I also had two half sisters at my dad's house and loved being raised with them. X

This sounds familiar. Have you posted about your DH before under a different name?

Can she have some 1 on 1 time with her dad by helping him with the animals, its puts the shift on him to parent and teaches her about responsibility.

Obviously not hard labour but surely she can ride along.

Cross post sorry seen that someone else suggested this.

It cant possibly take him longer, i know farmers work long hours but I bet hes enjoying a nice lunch break etc..

Does your DH allow you to parent properly? If you are the person who is basically caring for her (she’s with you more often than her mum, your DH is out most of the day), are you given the freedom to set sanctions/rewards etc? The only way I can see this working is if you’re given the same rights and freedoms as over your own children, not “just” a step parent (who sometimes get limited by biological parents in how much they can put their foot down). If your DH won’t support you in rewarding/sanctioning/parenting fully, then you need to be clear that the living arrangements just don’t work - he needs to look after her, or she needs to be with her mum.

Those those posters saying about why would you have yet more children.... The OP was pregnant before lockdown. I assume when she planned the pregnancy she hadn’t anticipated having her existing children at home full time and not having extended family to support.

Surely now lockdown is easing you should be going back to the normal schedule of having her weekends?

Her Dad also needs to step up massively. Hes taking the piss and so is her mother.

I sometimes feel people just bleat the same thing over and over and don't even think about individual situations.

You don't marry a farmer and expect him to be the emotionally intelligent type who gets in at 6, takes over bath and bedtime and then massage his pregnant wife's feet!

Doesn't make him an arsehole.

DSD's mum sounds an arsehole though, and I too would suspect attachment issues @Merigoround wrote a lovely post with some suggestions.

@User1488, you sound lovely and I admire your reluctance to 'stick her in the car and send her back' 🙄

I would insist that DH takes DSD with him in the mornings. Then can you get the two older ones at the kitchen table in the afternoon (separately) logged onto Oak academy, stick the baby in front of Peppa Pig and supervise from the sofa whilst eating chocolate and MNing. Could you afford an accountant to do the books? My friend teaches accounts and her level 5 students often do people's accounts cheaply, it may be worth asking at your local FE college.

Good luck OP

The farming hours doesn't make him an arsehole but the 'put up and shut up' comment when op tries to raise her issues does ....

Many typos in my post - the main one .. 'NOT' to stick her in the car!!

Sounds like he saw you coming in guessing his alot older than you if you're only 27 and you're dsd is 10. He needs to parent his dc like the rest of working parents do.

Sorry OP I had missed the part about the pregnancy being while you had a coil. I understand you wanting to keep the baby. But I don’t understand why you’re allowing yourself to be treated like this. Easy for the mum to say she doesn’t want DSD at school-she’s not dealing with any of the implications! A few days of homeschooling and I imagine she might feel differently.

Ask him what his plan is if you are hospitalised because of the high BP. Literally get him to tell you what he would do in that scenario. It's not out of the question.

Had a word with OH, he took middle DD for an hour yesterday and that’s all he’s done. However it’s probably the most he’s done with any of them for weeks. DSD didn’t want to go as she has verrucas on her feet which are painful so she didn’t want to walk far.

He’s been in touch with DSD’s mum who has said that she’s managed to find some cash in hand jobs that she wouldn’t be able to do if she had DSD unless OH made it ‘worth her while’ basically wanting a maintenance increase. So it looks like she’s not going back for the foreseeable. Have asked him what happens if I’m admitted thanks to BP and he fully expects my mum and SIL (who has 3 children of her own!) to pick up the slack!

What a shite situation. I'm presuming you've already tried asking dsd to help you with the family stuff? Like you're a big girl now and I need help here. It's a shame because families are supposed to help each other out, you really have been lumbered here.

💐