Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Yes, farmers are key workers but we’re reluctant to send DC’s back because DSD has asthma and he mum doesn’t want to send her back anyway, OH has type 1 diabetes and I am pregnant and have hypertension. I’d rather not run the risk.

The OP may not be aware, OhCaptain. My neighbour has only just found out that farmers are keyworkers and that she could have had her kids in school all this time.

Oh, OK, cross posted. Apologies.

@GCAcademic, no worries. To be honest, we didn’t find this out until a couple of weeks ago though!

How on earth have you managed to get into a situation where you put up or shut up OP. This is not a pleasant environment for anyone - your poor DSD is being neglected by her parents.

Take a long hard look at how you describe your OH because he comes across as a unpleasant man and neglectful father whose solutions are simply you deal with it.

Personally I think your DSD should be at school I think it is probably the safest and best environment for her.

And why arent you talking to her Mum to come and collect her

Surely one of the good things about farming is that a 10 year old could help her dad? Particularly with lambs etc. Could she not go out with him in the mornings to help, that way he can give her some 1-1 time, she gets decent quality attention and you get a break. Then home for lunch and a couple of hours of homeschool in the afternoon with you (and maybe the 6 year old could go out with dad in the afternoon while you sit down with DSD). I can’t believe there aren’t farm jobs both girls would be capable of helping with.

When he goes off to feed the animals could he perhaps take both her and your 6 year old to help? That would give you a couple of hours each day, you could maybe try put your one year old down for a nap then and have some time to yourself!

My partners kids are a similar age and his eldest sounds quite similar but not as extreme - can’t wash her hair, cry’s if we don’t help her get dressed (manages fine in PE though)!! The only difference is my partner is around more than yours, however we have very different approaches- he will shower his 10 year old whereas I turn it on and shout from a distance have you shampooed? Have you conditioned? His 7 year old however gets up on a morning, gets dressed, brushes her teeth, feeds the dogs and then comes and wakes us to make her breakfast!
To make life easiest with the oldest she’s been given “grown up” jobs and we’ve really played on her being so mature and that’s why she’s doing them, so she empties the dishwasher because her sister is too little etc. We’ve also taught them to make their own lunch together, with specific tasks - the youngest will set the table, the oldest will chop things if they are having a salad or make the sandwiches, then the youngest will get out yogurts or pick fruit etc, this way they are spending time together, feeding themselves and I can prepare tea ready to just go in the oven later while they do it.
With homeschooling you could maybe set them challenges like following a recipe to do some baking rather than the sit down work everyday, if they are baking they are having to carefully follow instructions, weigh, measure etc and you could link it to what they are learning through home schooling?

@BadgertheBodger yes I’ve suggested this re him taking one of the older girls out to help etc but he says they slow him down and he doesn’t get enough done.

We both have our set routes for the day, I also walk round stock (usually sheep as cows with calves can be temperamental though ours are pretty placid) they both want to come with me to check stock other than go with dad.

@Quartz2208 I kind of agree with you regarding DSD being at school, I can assure you she’s perfectly safe with me, however and with myself and OH having no intention of sending DD back, I don’t know whether DSD being sent back would do much good either. Perhaps she is just better staying put with me.

I’m sorry to be blunt but I can’t quite understand why you’re having baby after baby with a man who has demonstrated quite how uninterested he is in actually being a parent

Again being blunt, DSD is not your problem and you have zero obligation to look after her. Of course if it were standard contact times then you step up as your husband’s wife and help out within reason, but being left to home school a 10 year old without break for six weeks is taking the utter piss. Tell your husband he needs to make alternative arrangements with immediate effect because as far as you’re concerned from Monday on, she isn’t your responsibility anymore. She has two parents, both of whom are taking you for a mug.

@minielise yes your partner’s DC’s sound very similar to ours. I like the idea of getting them to make their own lunch, DD2 will happily get snacks for all of them but hasn’t really had a go at making her own lunch. They do often help me make dinner etc.

Can you not move your mum in for some help? If needed move your DP to hers - he’s not exactly a present dad as it is. I don’t think it’s in your DSD’s interest to leave the one steady parental figure in her life.

This is just ridiculous. She has a mother who's sitting at home doing nothing while you are looking after their daughter. Tell your husband that she has to come and pick up her child otherwise you will leave him for good.

@Rainycloudyday I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 14 weeks. I’d had the coil fitted which obviously failed. It’s not exactly ideal but it is what it is. I find it hard to have the time to be assertive with him, he’s gone so early and back so late but nows the time and enough is enough. I don’t know how he’ll react.

@GrumpyHoonMain I don’t think my mum would move in but she would perhaps come around on a daily basis to help out. I’m with you on not wanting to leave DSD.

Your mistake has been to have multiple children with this man, quite frankly.
He needs to work less, help more, or pay someone to take some of the strain off of you.
Poor DSD has two crap parents

I just don't know why you're ignoring the fact the child has a mother who's doing nothing while you're doing everything.

Next time he makes a move on you (so you know he is not too tired) say 'we need to talk'. Get this man's attention. He doesn't want to spend time with his kids...they slow him down. Well then tell him he might need a wife no 3 to take on the childcare for 4 kids whilst you swan about having w/es to yourself. From the excuses you make for him that he is so busy/tired, gone so early & home so late- you are coming over as a bit of a doormat. Make a stand, stick up for yourself & DSD1. You are responsible for DDs, is this the example you want to give ..Daddy does absolutely nothing with us & (Step)Mum does it all. Get angry, get loud, be heard. Why are you waiting for him to make changes...you tell him for a change. As for Ex not wanting DSD to go bk to school...she is leaving everything else to you so ye will decide what is happening around school in your home. If she is staying with you, she is going bk to school. If Ex not happy, come & get her please.

@HollowTalk, how can we send her back there when she blatantly doesn’t want her?

She needs to do her bit because she's her mum and dad needs her. Even if she's shit in comparison to your standards as long as she's meeting her basic needs and not abusive she needs and has the right to see her mum and have a relationship with her

Hang on...this has gone from an every 2 weeks routine to being up ended by covid -19 to 5-6weeks running now & Ex taking the piss & using ye as childcare & DSD deciding not to go home herself...to now the Ex blatantly not wanting her daughter??

If you believe that, tell DH he needs to apply for fulltime custody & child maintenance for DSD. If she blatantly does not want her child, then that is a whole different story...

He doesn't want them out with him because they slow him down? At this rate you will be in hospital with high bp & he will REALLY be slowed down. As someone else suggested, the eldest 2 can take turns going out with him for a morning, even just a couple of days a week. So YOU can catch up, let little one nap, or just have 10 mins for a hot drink.
For your health, you need to get tougher.
And maybe think about a playpen that can be moved around room to room so 1yo can be with you but not causing chaos.
Take care of yourself

I don’t think it’s fair you do all the parenting but I really admire the fact you’ve taken on someone’s child as your own and are putting their needs first! That poor child could grow up feeling really unwanted and pushed out and what you are doing is amazing. I think you have the choice of sending her back to her mums (but I get the impression you don’t want this because you care about her) or speaking to her dad and giving him a plan for going forward.
Personally I would tell him that he is taking both older kids to feed the animals, regardless of if it slows him down so that you can do a few jobs at home and have a break while your youngest naps. Then I think you need to give she appropriate chores for the older two that ensure you get a break - one could be making you a cup of tea and then the older one reading with/to the younger one. Don’t worry about the shower issue, plonk them in the bath together and give them the job of washing each other’s hair, then in a few months she will be capable of her own because she’s been doing the youngers! They can sort out washing into dark/light/colours and put it in, you put it to dry and then together they collect it and put it into drawers. Make a rule if they go to bed at 8/9 but they can read in bed and nothing else!

Maybe set it up so they have a point reward chart and more than so many points means that one night a week they can each pick a film and stay up a little later to watch it with you under a duvet

@user1488481370 its not about being safe. I am sure she is. But she sounds like a child who could do with the structure and control

I think you have to assume that dsd is with you full time permanently and treat her that way. She may visit her mum but it doesn't sound as though that will be often. Can you develop her confidence and the fact that she's the eldest - get her to help with the one year old, emphasise how great it is that she's there to help out. Try and make her part of your team and maybe that will help her feel more secure as the eldest.
The pp who suggested preempting the deliberate incompetence re the shower had great ideas and I bet they could be applied elsewhere too.
Poor kid, sounds like you're doing your best and you're the most reliable constant that she has

It sounds like you are going above and beyond but 6 weeks is enough when her father cannot be there. Time for her to go back to her mother for at least two weeks so you can have some respite.