Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

She sounds like she might have an attachment disorder to be honest. Some of the tips on this page might be useful to you:

www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/attachment-issues-and-reactive-attachment-disorders.htm

I don’t want to drive her back to her mum’s house, that’s not what I’m about.

My own step mother stopped me from seeing my dad (well he was a spineless idiot) at the age of 14, I’m 27 now and have nothing to do with him still because of her. I don’t want that for DSD, she loves her sisters, she loves being here. Nor do I want to go to my mums with my youngest two and leave her. I literally just need some support or a more structured ‘2 weeks here, 2 weeks there’ routine. And so does DSD.

@OhCaptain, DD6 is actually pretty independent, she will wash dishes, put toys away, tidy up, get herself snacks and wash herself, she’s a fairly confident and independent child but perhaps that’s because she has me as a constant whereas DSD completely lacks a real constant. She’s done a bit of washing up, taken rubbish to the bins for me and swept the kitchen floor but it takes a while for me to get her motivated to do it. She definitely takes up more of my attention with homeschooling than DD 6 does and DD generally needs a decent amount of help. And then there’s the 1 YO, oh god the 1 YO who is opening all of the cupboards, pulling pans onto herself, crawling under chairs and getting stuck .... I’m relieved it’s the weekend to be honest!

Yet another case of absolutely shit parents making the step mother do all the parenting. It's so depressing.

OP, I would just insist on it now. Unless and until her dad can look after her, she needs to go back to her mum's. You have enough on your hands and it's clear from your step daughter's behaviour that she's unsettled. Time for her to go to her mum's.

Sorry if you’ve answered this already but have you actually spoken to you let DH? Does he perceive the current situation as fair on you? Have you explicitly spelled out to him that you will be looking after DSD for two weeks on, two weeks off and he needs to make arrangements with his ex for her to go back to her mother’s for the next fortnight?

Ok

So accept DD is basically living with you now as her Mum doesn't seem to want her back.

Have house rules....

Family meeting about them about chores each child has to do at what age, so have one group for the over 5s and then the chores the 1 year old will have to do at 2, 3, 4 - this is to show DSD the youngest will be doing some soon.

All written down.

With the shower and hair wash I think DSD just actually NEEDS to be babied but you can probably get away with saying in a loving way "what do you think, bet you can get it right?" Then if she says the wrong thing a smile and a "shampoo first", or "the other button"

She probably sees how much input your 1 year old gets and she wants that live and nurture too.

I would not worry about school work!!!!!

Make sure your days are structured around the older 2 pitching in and helping with all the chores - cooking, tidying, washing up, laundry, playing with the youngest.

Very much team work!!!

Can you employ someone to do the admin side of the business temporarily- would your Mum do it?

In all honestly my 6YO pleases herself and is a fairly easy child barring occasional backchat. 1 YO DD is acting her age. She’s 1, Whereas DSD isn’t!

I’ve stipulated several times that OH is a lazy, inattentive parent. I certainly haven’t laid all of the blame at the exes door, I’ve said it how it is but she does have her part to play!

For everyone asking why I’m having another baby with him, I’m sorry my original examination was riddled with typos. I fell pregnant with this baby whilst on the coil.

Listen, your DH needs to step up. It really is that simple.

Why are you doing his paperwork?

He might be physically out all day, but he can help you by giving sd chores and responsibilities and you both need to ensure she sees them through.

All schoolwork needs to be done by 2.30 pm to get TV time, for example.

You’re being so wet and martyring yourself. If she won’t take a shower then her dad needs to make sure she does. If that means she has to get up at 6am to shower then so be it.

You don’t seem to want solutions. That’s fine. But there’s nothing anyone here can do for you!

OP,

Then put your foot down..insist on the routine being restored...if DH comes out with ' I won't say no to having her' then diary the time he spends with her & show it to him. Does DSD1 ever speak about how she feels...does she never want to see her Mum? I feel for her.

If you want the support from your DH then insist on it. Your DH sounds like the type that if it isn't his problem then he isn't bothered by it. So he isn't bothered because he's off outdoors busy & working for the better life...so this is your problem, not his really. You need to MAKE it his problem hence my suggestion of a few days away. But I see that you don't want to do that & leave her behind? He wouldn't let that happen surely, she be off to her Mum's in a heartbeat I'm sure. But you know him best, think of a way that will wake him up to the reality of what he is ignoring... sometimes it does need to be dramatic to get attention...as your DSD1 knows!!

DSD has had a shit life, she is emotionally a pre-schooler desperate for the nurturing she should have got at that age.

If you can't muster up the patience and love to give it now she won't improve. Telling her to act like a 10 year old is futile- she is telling you what she needs and she clearly knows she won't get it from her Mum!

I feel very sorry for DsD. She has a rubbish Mum who palms her off as often as possible and a Dad who goes between being absent to overindulgent.
However she does have a DSM who seems to have her interests at heart so she clings to being near her.

She sounds to me as if she is acting like a 6 year old just now. Can you treat her a little as if she is 6? Give her some extra attention . Overseeing her bathing is a starting point . As an OP said - put the things out for her as if she had never seen them before. Lay out the towels she can use and brush her hair afterwards so you can compliment her on how nice and fresh she smells. Like a big 6 year old has done it herself.

Actually I wrote the above before checking the age of your dd and I see she is actually 6.
Could you treat them both the same? Expectations and praise the same. Bedtimes and treats the same?

I do think she is unconsciously acting out because she feels she is missing out on something she cant name but can see is available to DD.

I would be tell go yes yelling your H that she needs to go back to her mothers for two weeks, and that two weeks on and off must now take place

Then pack her things are take her

@Ohcaptain where have I implied that I don’t want solutions? When I said that I don’t want to drive DSD back to her mums house because that’s not how I want her to be treated? Or how when I’ve tried speaking to my OH I’m basically told to put up and shut up? How I’m trying my best to get DSD to be more independent to make life easier for everyone. I’m not being a martyr, I’m trying to get everyone to pull their weight a bit more! OH’s business is out of my hands. I can’t force him to do anything. If I left the kids to their own devices in the hope that he’d do stuff with them then I’d be mistaken. If she didn’t want to shower herself then she wouldn’t shower, ever. OH a would never expect her to.

She's not READY to be independent

Honestly, right now? She gets more attention from me than my 6YO does because she needs more attention.

I think you need to lay the law down with DH! Maybe ask the HV to explain how hard you are finding life ATM.Maybe DM could come over now lockdown restrictions are being eased? The 2 week arrangement seems to be needing reinforcements .DH is being unfair and turning into Disney Dad is not helpful!

Well then the solution is to leave him. Take your kids and go. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’ve tried to talk to him. You’ve been told to put up and shut up. Charming as that makes him sound.

So what do you do? Continue to kill yourself? You’re pregnant with a one year old, a six year old, and a 10 year old who needs more than you alone can give.

None of this is your fault. It’s not hers, of course. But it’s not your either!

So, leave. Let her parents parent her and if they won’t, give social services the heads up.

Truly what are you getting out of this life with him?!

OP,

What? Your OH is telling you to shut up or put up. I'd be telling him quite a lot back, including a few home truths. Do something to break this pattern. Tell DH that on Sun/Mon/whatever day, you are going with DD2&3 to X for X days. It is up to him if his DD1 stays with him or returns to her Mum. Make a decision. No point in swirling it around your brain with DH & Ex not doing or caring a jot about DD1 or you. Talking it out isn't working for you...keep going like this & you'll have baby no 4 to deal with also. Action is what is needed. Do something whilst you still have energy. I'd take the break away, let him figure out how it has come to this & address this issue properly. If you can't take any of the suggested solutions on board, then it will stay as it is until it gets better or worse by itself...

Send her back to her mother.

If your DH wants her around he'll need to take time off work. You've done your bit. Time for her parents to look after her.

Put the responsibility back where it needs to be-with her parents, her deadbeat father should be getting employees/temps to work on the farm so he can parent all these kids, he clearly can’t handle the work himself and is damaging his eldest child by doing absolutely nothing for her. He needs to be booking a vasectomy too, he can’t continue acting like a horny old goat, impregnating women constantly and doing no parenting. Ridiculous.

Sorry...the 'horny old goat' had me roaring laughinb 🤣🤣 ...altho I get it isn't funny for OP 😮

I agree about the vasectomy comment.

Farmers are keyworkers. You don’t need to be homeschooling.

I'm sorry but STOP being a doormat. Your stepchild should either be with her mother or her father not with you.
Send her home and refuse to look after her.
Fullstop. That's all you need to do.

Farmers are keyworkers. You don’t need to be homeschooling.

I’m not in the UK but if that’s true what the hell are you doing it for??

OP providing childcare for her shit husband is nice and all, but it’ll just further cement in the child’s mind ‘neither of my parents want me. I’m palmed off on my fathers wife.’ and that’s appalling that her parents find that acceptable. Don’t know how can bear to be around that man long enough to shag him, OP.