Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

'We have said we will see them soon at some point '..I an sorry but do you have any idea how horrible that would sound to a child,?

My stepmother said to me and the kids once 'oh well we will see you at some point in the future' after telling us not to come for xmas. I found that really fucking offensive and hurtful AS AN ADULT. God knows how a child would feel.

This has to be a joke, how on Earth can someone justify separating children and dad so she can grieve for being now separated from her dad?

Beggars belief, honestly, some people think the world revolve 100% around them.

What a horribly smug unempathetic post

No it isn't. Sadly it's just reality when you have children. I was at a birthday party, in a room full of hyper 4 year olds the day after one of my parents died as my children didn't need me completely stopping for weeks on end after a bereavement. I sympathise with the op, but 3 weeks of her husband not seeing his children because of her tragedy is completely unfair on them and him.

They are not coming 'to visit', he's not helping his ex out, he needs to get back to parenting as that is his number one priority, always.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

I just want to be alone with him. I would feel really awkward being around them when I'm grieving.

I would feel worse still if he was at her house with her so not that not an option.

I do understand what you're saying that they want to be with him. I usually don't mind their visits but not when things are so stressful.

I guess I have a lot to think about. It's my house and I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I know I asked for that when I married him but its different at times like this surely.

Oh dear OP, I do think you need help for coping with your fathers death, but the above does worry me.

They aren’t visiting, they are spending time with their father who is raising them in their home. Children with seperate parents have two homes, it isn’t just your home, it is your husbands and your step childrens home.

My husband died and I couldn’t just not have my kids. The next day I was in the school playground taking one of them to school (she insisted) and at the park with the other. On that Friday we went to sports practise for my son and over the weekend he competed in the sport and I was there to watch. I can’t see why 2’days if having the kids is going to impact your grieving. You will not just stop grieving one day you have to learn to be grieving and functioning normally.

you mention feeling like your husband is ‘helping’ out his ex by having the kids so she can have a day off - but if she has the kids 26 days out of 30 then of course she deserves a day off! and of course you are being unreasonable!!

When grieving, regrets and painful memory can be emotionally exhausting. That's when doing something familiar and domestic can help you get through; some well-worn routine that doesn't demand any special planning or decision-making.

I think you might find a brief overnight with the children actually helps you.

I know everyone grieves differently, but few if any have their partners' undivided attention for weeks after the death of an elderly parent. I don't believe my grief after my father's death was any better than yours, but I had to go back to work after a week, and I then had just two days off for the funeral. Many people have less than that.

How would you have felt if, at the age of 10, you had been told that your father didn't want to see you for weeks on end, even on Father's day, because he was prioritising his new wife? I know that if that were me, I'd have been absolutely devastated.

I am so sorry for your loss.
But those children are already suffering not having their dad every day of their life from no fault of their own. I don't think it's fair to take away their right.

Lockdown must be a harder than usual time to lose a parent, with nothing to distract you or give you a break from the grief.

Honestly op, they need to see their dad, but it will help you too to have them there. When they do come try to get them off their consoles and spend sometime together playing board/card games and eating crap or something, just for an hour or so. You need a distraction, from the intensity of grieving during lockdown. Your dh will need a break from it too. That isn't being unkind, it is being truthful.

Never put a parent in position where it's you or their kids.

If they choose the kids, you'll feel let down, unappreciated, unloved, less important etc.
Which is exactly how the kids would feel if the parent picks you.

You lost the parent, you have grieving to do, you have things to sort. None of that is the kids fault and they shouldn't forced to sacrifice for your sake.

I think YABU, yes you are grieving but the kids need to keep their routine of seeing their father. Kids are understanding and old enough to understand that you may be feeling sad but there’s no reason to stop them coming over, especially for weeks.

My kids have been unable to see their father since beginning of lockdown, they have been with me 24/7, if I was grieving I couldn’t just send them to their dads to give me space.

I don't want them here then it would be too awful

I understand your loss but children don't.

You have to be the adult here and deal with your grief without impacting on them. As hard as it is. And you have my sympathies.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

He isn't choosing to help out his ex-wife, he's choosing to parent his children. Could you honestly respect a man who wouldn't make that choice?

You've mentioned "my house" more than once. Isn't it your husband's house as well? Isn't it also his children's home when they're with him?

OP,

Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels to lose a parent as both of mine have died. It can take alot of time to come to terms with a loss in your life & you might feel ok some days & v v sad at other times for several weeks or months to come. The answer to this is inner resilience, not becoming dependent on your husband's presence 24/7. For a few days or a week is fine but not all the time to the extent you want to shut out his children.

I understand you are finding it hard but you choose to marry a man with children then you have to expect that they come first. Please don't keep them separated much longer. If you do, I fear resentments other than your own will come to the surface & you will be dealing with more than your present grief. It is a hard time, be kind to yourself but be kind to your step children & husband also...they need this, let them have it.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

I'm so sorry for your loss op but you really need to reframe this. He isn't helping anyone out, it isn't a favour for his ex wife, it isn't about someone having a day off, he is seeing HIS children.

I understand grief makes people selfish but you can't take issue with having them in your house, and also take issue with him going to their house, that is just completely unreasonable.

In this case you need to choose what is more important to you - your space to grieve or your jealousy, you can't expect him to accommodate both at the expense of his children

I'm sorry for your loss, but you can't expect him to be stuck to your side 24/7 because you're grieving. I think your insecurities are clouding your judgement. He isn't choosing the ex wife over you, he is parenting his children. I understand it's an extremely hard time for you, but his responsibilities don't change as a result.

I am sorry for your loss genuinely however YABU.

His children do not stop being part of the family because you are upset he is their dad and the need and miss him too.

Take time to yourself when they visit if needs be but dont think you can just shove them aside as that does not look good on you.

Also contact with his children is nothing to do with "helping his ex". He is a parent and parenting his children is as much his responsibility as it is hers.

I hope you find a way through this that works for everyone.

I get the message thank you no need to keep going. It's really hard. I will talk to DH and see if there is a compromise.

Hasn't he, and by default also the children, already compromised?

Would it be possible for you to go and stay with family for a while? That might be mutually beneficial for you and your DM/family.

You can't stop his DC's celebrating Father's Day, it's not fair.

What compromise?

honestly whats'wrong with shutting yourself in your bedroom if you don't feel up to seeing people?

Or you just don't want the children taking attention off you? Honestly you need help.

What compromise would you be happy with that results in the children seeing their father for a quality amount of time?

Op I really feel that if you were to have the children it wouldn't be as bad as you think, you've said they spend most of their time on devises so it's not as if they are tiny and climbing all over you.
Could you not push yourself to see them? It might make you feel better to have them there and as time goes on it will get easier.
Sorry for your loss

Thank you I do appreciate you're responses even if they hurt. I will look at counselling I think. I think it is bringing up all sorts of issues. I didnt really ever want children and they are great but it's hard when you dont love them like a mother would at times like this. I do care for them a lot and enjoy seeing them usually.

I really think seeking some help is important. There's a lot to unpick and you can find a counsellor to help you do that. Take really good care of yourself