Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I'm glad you're considering counselling. It does sound like you would benefit from it.

Sorry for your loss. Xx but in a nice way i think your been unreasonable i know it hard with grief. But the kids need to see the father aswell. Like imagine if he asked you not to see your kids if your missing them like hell. Im a s.m. aswell and sometimes when im feeling down when the sd arrives it actually cheers me up and snaps me out of it.. if you really dont feel up to it he could visit family or friends with the kids in the day time then you have time to yourself. Xxx hugs xx

One weekend is not equivalent to having a parent die!

If I read it correctly, it is now 2 weekends (so a month?) with the intention of the children not seeing their father on Father's Day which is in another 2 weeks time. So 6 weeks in total? The irony of greiving over a father and finding Father's Day too hard to handle but 'happy' to remove 2 children from their father on father's day seems utterly lost on the OP.

Your feelings should just be respected. I don't know the ex's motivation maybe she wants the children to see their dad, maybe she just wants a break but if she is a reasonable adult she should see that this is one of those times in life that don't run to a schedule

What has any of this got to do with the ex and what she may or may not be motivated by? The children need to see their father on Father's Day and on a regular basis generally. It is not the ex's responsibility to pick up her ex's slack and it certainly isn't her responsibility to somehow cover the greiving of her ex's new wife. She has been more than understanding. She is entitled to get on with her life as she sees fit without having to fit around other adults.

Am I the only one who thinks the DH is the real issue here? Cutting his very limited contact with kids because his wife tells him to?

Yep. He's very weak. And if he lets this go ahead, then frankly, a very poor parent to boot. Not the kind of man you should want to be with. My concern is for the step children long term because such negativity in their lives will have lasting effects. It seems like the OP has been there, however, and has been able to recognise she needs some help with this which is really positive for all of them going forwards.

I get that grief affects us all differently but honestly, OP, you really must get yourself that counselling and see the bigger picture here. You're not being fair and frankly, you will damage your relationship if you continue with this. Your husband's children deserve to be a priority in his life just as much as you do.

I think you need to work around this OP. I understand the need for emotional space, but I think you need to work out how to achieve that without disrupting the status quo. It's one day. Your partner can take them out, you can sit somewhere and read a book. It's not all day every day. They are not small, high needs children. And they need to see their father on Father's Day. I disagree with a PP, you absolutely need to put the children first. I'm afraid it comes with the parenting territory.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I hope that this is all just the grief talking but it does seem like you've got some deep seated views that aren't really compatible with being married to someone with kids and for everybody's sake you need to address those at some point. I'm surprised that your husband is pandering to this tbh and he's certainly not being a great dad right now. One weekend, fine. But he shouldn't be entertaining the idea of shutting his kids out any more than that. If you had jealousy issues when your dad remarried as you say, surely you can see how hurtful that is for these children? Your house is also your DH's house, and therefore it's his kids' house too. That's how it works. He is their parent all of the time, not just every other weekend.

As for being jealous of his ex wife, is this the same ex-wife who is currently being exceptionally accomodating and kind by agreeing to her kids not seeing their dad and therefore accepting his share of the parenting for the foreseeable? And the sum total of the pressure she has put on is to make some vague suggestions about him taking them out for the afternoon? She's being a saint. As other PPs have said, him taking care of the kids is not "doing her a favour", it's HIS obligation and responsibility as their father.

I know you're in a bad way but you can't stop your husband from seeing his children, and nor should he be agreeing to it. That's just not right.

I don't know whether you are still reading, I hope you are.

One thing struck me was that you know all too well how important a loving and consistent relationship with your dad is - so don't undermine that for your step children.

If your stepmother and father didn't sustain good contact with you they were wrong - very wrong. Possibly your step mother competed for attention and affection (it's not clear what happened) but don't repeat their mistakes.

Most kids are loving and sensitive if given a chance to be. Celebrate Fathers Day - show them pictures of your Dad, talk about him and cry when you need to. Take time out if you need to. What's happened is an important event and you don't need to hide your sorrow. You are part of a family and they will, I think, want to support you.

And get counselling for your current feelings and the feelings you had as a child which have shaped you - I'd put money on it strengthening your marriage and your understanding of yourself. Your jealousy of your husbands ex wife isn't helping you be happy - it's time to give yourself the chance to shake that off.

I've lost a parent too, I know how hard this can be.

Sorry OP, but I do think YABU.
You say you were jealous when your dad remarried, so please don't do anything that may encourage that cycle to continue with your step kids.

It's awful when a parent dies, and you have had the comfort and understanding of your DH when he rearranged the previous visit with his children, just because the kids come to visit, does not mean he cannot he there for you at the same time. It's not an either/or situation.

Maybe he could explain to his children that you are sad and why, before they visit, and help them understand why you might not be your usual self.

You might also find that the children provide a small distraction from how you are feeling for the duration of your visit. I know everyone is different, but when my mum died, I spent a lot of time with my nephews and niece, to help distract me from my grief for a short while.

Your DH is in a bit of a no win situation, you have asked for the children not to visit and he agreed but now wants to see his kids.
You don't want the children there
You don't want him to visit at his ex's house
You acknowledge that (at the moment) he can't exactly take him to the cinema or for food.

OP if you are still reading I would advise you abandon the thread for the sake of your well being.

You already heard what nearly everyone agrees on, that you're being very unreasonable, and you've said you'll seek counselling and talk to DH.

I think you'll just be getting more of the same replies, it'll make you feel awful at this time when you're grieving.

Op I don't know if you're still reading but if you are I'm very sorry for your loss - loosing a parent no matter how old either you or they are is very difficult.
As for the rest of you commenters - have you no shame? A women comes on here in obvious distress & grief over the death of a parent & I honestly feel if you disagree with her reasoning re her sdc then DON'T COMMENT.
The poster would have been better served by radio silence that 200 plus posts battering her when she's in such a bad place. Between you all you have criticised many aspects of her personality (as perceived by you lot) & made assumptions as to her motives.
Everyone handles grief differently - some people can get on with things & some people can barely function - & if the OP's relationship with her df & sm was tricky then her grief & grieving process is bound to be a bit more complicated than that of a 'regular' parent/child relationship.
Coming down so hard on someone two weeks after they lose a loved one is shameful!
My kids barely saw their dad for 10 weeks while in lockdown & they survived. I'm sure OP's sdc could cope with being brought out for the day by their dad for a few weekends without being scarred for life, & it's up to her dh to decide the extent & handling of his wife's grief - not the ever judgemental posse on here.
Show some bloody compassion.

There is no compromise.

Can you not see how fucked up it is that because you, an adult, cannot see your elderly father because he died, on fathers day, that small children cannot see theirs?

I know grief makes people strange, my mother lost her father when he was 56, I was 12 and it was horrendous. But you are aiming all your feelings at taking your step childrens father away from THEM because yours has died.

Unfuckingbeliveable.

Why do I feel like OPs idea of "compromise" is everyone doing as she tells them?

Her husband needs to tell her to piss off really. She needs to be careful though, before OH begins resenting her and she loses her husband and step children.

I am sorry OP for your loss. However and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, you can't stop him seeing the children. I do understand that grief can make the most rational person totally crazy, and I think your grief is making you act out in a way you wouldn't usually. Your comment about seeing them after fathers day, in a month, comes across as cruel to them though I'm sure you don't mean it and its grief clouding your thinking. I'm a step mother myself, and when I lost my grandmother, who was like a mother, I asked DH if he would mind not ringing his daughter that night as I was totally not myself, and to ring her the next day. Her mum totally understood but we still did the following weekends visitation, as it wasnt fair on DSD not too. I knew that. I just asked her mum and dad to explain to DSD that I would not be myself as the funeral three days after. It was difficult but like you said you took DH on knowing he had kids. That comes with responsibilities. But I truly sorry for what your going through

Of course you cant stop your husband seeing his children for Father's Day. Please dont deny them because you're hurting. Ir wont bring him back.

Sorry for your loss.

@Magda72 not every poster has "come down hard" on the OP. And you can't just expect everyone to agree with you because you are grieving.
The same way you have shared that your diss didn't see their father for 10 weeks and we're fine. Some kids would be fine, some wouldn't, but seemingly you're allowed to share you opinions and experience because you agree with the OP and anyone who doesn't is being mean?

A women comes on here in obvious distress & grief over the death of a parent & I honestly feel if you disagree with her reasoning re her sdc then DON'T COMMENT.

No, @Magda72, with every respect, that would be ridiculous. No-one has the right to come on here to propose a course of action that is potentially damaging to two innocent children and demand that she receive full agreement, irrespective of her own circumstances.

@Magda72 I have every sympathy for OP. What about the woman who is the children's mother? Does she not deserve some empathy too? She is having to do more or less 100% of the parenting for weeks on end (during lockdown which is even more challenging) whilst the children's father has barely any involvement. Parenting is NOT optional. It is his responsibility. He can't take months off being a father because of his wife's grief. The children's mother had to continue being a full time mother when she herself lost a parent. OK if he needed to cancel plans for a few days following the death. It's not acceptable to shirk his responsibility for many weeks.

What compromise? The compromise has already happenned - your dh didn't see his own children because you needed him. But they also need him and to say they can't see their own father on fathers day is extremely self absorbed. Your dh, his children and his ex wife have been more than reasonable. It's time now to put them first for one night. You may even find that you welcome the distraction. Put a smile on your face for the afternoon, order a pizza then excuse yourself for a bath and an early night. You are doing this for them and for your dh.

I don't know if your dh is furloughed or working or indeed if you are, but I am interested to find out what happens the rest of the time. Do you really expect him to be with you constantly? Because if this was a normal time he probably wouldn't be able to do this due to both of your work commitments.

@SallyWD @BashStreetKid @MsSquiz - there are times when it's pretty obvious that someone has come on here in a haze of grief/bewilderment/other & it is best not to comment. No one on here needs to be the champion of these "innocent children" & the point I'm making is that they are going through nothing more in not seeing their dad than plenty of other children at the moment! My kids didn't see their dad properly for weeks not because he opted out of parenting but because we chose to follow government guidelines & protect the elderly & compromised within our extended families.
I too had the 'burden' of non stop parenting for 10 weeks & yes, at times I felt like I was losing my mind but I got on with it, just as the kids did & just as my exh did because we all knew that this situation is unprecedented & everyone had to make sacrifices.
Furthermore I never said I agreed with the op - what I said is that it is glaring obvious the op is grieving & in turmoil & her head is most likely all over the place, & rather than dump on her people should step back & not comment if what she's saying is triggering because attacking someone who's recently bereaved is neither productive nor kind.

You know you are being unreasonable. Surely losing your father has shown you how precious and short time is with those you love. The children need to see their father. You have the rest of the week to grieve and will simply have to hold it together for the couple of days they are there. I do understand you are grieving, but your husband is not there just for you, he has a responsibility to his two children and needs to stand up to it. Please even though you are grieving don't punish them for your loss.

magda I’m not sure I’ve ever disagreed with you before, I really rate your approach to things. But you’re completely wrong this time. She’s trying to ban her husband from seeing his children on Father’s Day because she can’t see hers. That’s indefensible I’m afraid. And she’s been good enough, despite her grief, to say seeing other perspectives has been helpful. If her post had been met with silence because no one agreed so didn’t comment or “you do you hon, who cares about the kids” because they pretended they did, she’d have had no views to consider but her own.

Step parents get a tougher ride on here than anywhere else I’ve ever encountered and I regularly try and support women in the same position as I am. Most of us have also experienced awful personal losses. But as others have said, grief isn’t linear, you don’t wake up one morning and feel it’s all okay, so she can’t not have her step kids in the home they share with their father for an open ended amount of time. She could be in the depths of grieving for a year. Do her step kids only see their dad for a few snatched hours in the park a weekend until then? He could go and see them at their mum’s but she won’t let him!

I would think carefully about whether this is the right relationship for you long term.I was a step mum and thought very much like you do.
I hated my home being "invaded" eow.

I felt like my feelings should have come before step dd

I wanted exH all to myself.

I shouldn't have been a step parent,I got married at 24 and became a step parent from that moment until 32.

Now I've remarried and got ds I can see what a selfish cow I was.Please think about the kids in this.

@AnneLovesGilbert - I'm not saying I agreed with her. The point I was trying to make is that it's two weeks since her dad passed - two weeks!

If she's anything like I was after my parents died then she probably doesn't know what way is up - I couldn't face anyone bar close family members after my dad died as I just couldn't manage my grief.
Of course the sdc can't not see their dad long term or for however long it takes op to grieve. However, in the immediate aftermath it wouldn't scar them to go on day outings with their dad. When my exh's dw lost a close family member my kids didn't stay there for a couple of their weekends as their sm took it really hard and needed space. The kids got this & they had me so it's not like they had nowhere to go. In a few weeks their sm got herself together & was able to let them see her grief. Grief is very personal & it can be extremely difficult letting other people see that grief, & in the aftermath of a death it can also be very hard to contain it.
Loosing a parent at any age can often trigger a very childlike response even in adults & I just think the op should have been shown a little more compassion than the verbal beating she got on here.

My step children are my close family members. I’m a parent figure to them and they’re two of the children in my family.

I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a bitch and you will in time, find a way to live with the pain rather than get over it. It may be a long journey so don't second guess when you will or won't feel a bit better. My dad is a step parent to my older sister. When I was about to marry my DH who had a daughter already, my dad sat me down and as kindly as possible said "are you prepared to accept that you will never come first". I said I was but that my feeling is that it's about shared love not one over another and I loved SD as much as my fiancé. The sharing is key. My DH child had been in his life longer than me, which means I have no rights to demand exclusivity on his love/time/attention. When you become a step parent you have to share - there is no way round it. Your person and your home. However the irony is the more you share, the more love you create between you all. Counselling sounds a good way forward and I hope you can build the love between you all to help you with your grief.

Surely living children need their father more. The first weekend is understandable but beyond that if you are struggling then he can take them out and give you space. The distraction of them coming could actually help you. You are grieving, it's normal but the kids need their dad