Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

I'm sympathetic and I'm not saying you can't grieve..BUT ..it's unfair to,stop your husbands children coming to see him in Father's Day ..because it will be too hard for you ....if you can't cope with them then YOU should go out for the day or the weekend...stay with your family maybe ...they are children !!!

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children

They're your husband's children too. He isn't doing his ex wife a favour by having them, he's spending time with his own children. You mention that you're jealous when he speaks to or spends time with his ex, do you think you might also feel jealous of the attention he gives his children? If that's the case then you must surely see that's wrong and should be addressed.

Your dh has already compromised. Time to stick to the agreed arrangements from now on.
Sorry for your loss

They've already compromised by missing a weekend with their father. They should see him extra this week to make up for it. I mean, it's awful that your dad died and I'm sorry, but it's really shocking that this means they didn't get to see their dad.

I will talk to DH and see if there is a compromise

Isn't seeing them just for one night out of seven enough of a compromise?

If your title was true, and you wanted time alone, that would be fine. As it is, you want to stop the children seeing their father. That's not okay. You can be alone but don't stop them having time together.

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children
So when his ex partners dad dies, and he demands that her kids move with their dad and you for an unlimited period because he needs his partner to grieve alone without the kids, so it's fair you should have the kids during that time regardless of how it impacts on their lives, you'd be absolutely supportive of that decision?

I very much doubt it. You are being very selfish. Maybe having the kids there to distract you would help you grieve.

There is more compromise to be. You have a choice to stay away from them if you need that, but expecting your oh by your side during his contact time with his kids is over the top.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me
what
Hes spending time with his children as he is their dad...it's not about giving the Mum a day off !!!!!!!

There is so much you need to unpick particularly your jealously over him spending time with her rather than with his children.

He cannot continue to shut his children out and choose you over them without there being consequences to his relationship with them and their relationship with their father.

Do you always disappear when they come?

You shouldn't have got into a relationship with a man who has kids. 💁🏻‍♀️

It's one poxy night a week, it isn't as though they're there 50/50. Hell when my mum died I had to literally leave her deathbed as we'd nursed her at home then run down the hill to my home to put on a normal face for two DC who have Autism and carry on as if nothing had happened as my dp had to go to work.

Sometimes that's just life when you choose to bring kids into the equation.

OP I know you are grieving and I am sorry for your loss but I think you need to take a long hard look at what you are asking your DH to do. You are asking him to exclude his children from his life while you grieve. This is not fair on your DH or DSC (original weekend aside).

It sounds like your DF passing has brought lots of issues to the surface around your own feelings as a child and of your DH having children. You needs to find a way past this otherwise you need to consider if your relationship can continue. Your DH has children, they must come first!

Take your time to grieve for your DF. Get the support and help you need but please don’t stop your DSC from seeing their dad.

I’m afraid I agree with all the posters saying they should of course be allowed to see their dad. No one is asking you to see them. If the day they come is a hard day for you, surely he could take them to a park; what exactly would be the problem with that?

Yes, your dad was precious, but it seems bizarre that you, as a grown woman, can’t face Father’s Day without your dad, but expect your step children to not see their dad? How does your DH feel about that?

Agree completely. This has to be a reverse. I can only hope the OP’s DH is a good enough father and has the backbone to prioritise the needs of his pre-teen children over the wants of his adult wife.

I will not be popular for saying this but your father was 88, OP. He died after a long illness. I lost my mum last year in a similar way and I’m still gutted, so I get it. But it’s a world away from how I felt after my fit, active father dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 56 while I watched TV downstairs. I was very close with both of my parents and I loved both dearly. My grief for my mum is still very fresh right now but I feel incredibly lucky that I got so much time with her, esp toward the end, to talk about all of the unsaid things, laugh about old stories, identify relatives in old photos, and even discuss what she wanted for her funeral. I felt honored to be able to take care of her the way she did for me countless times. By contrast, the weeks and months after my father died were horrifying, surreal. I was deeply traumatized by finding his body and the whole thing felt impossible, I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even accept it was real. There were so many arrangements to be made and we were totally unprepared, we couldn’t find banking and insurance info, the whole thing was a living nightmare.

I am sorry for your loss OP and I know your grief must be enormous. But under all of the circumstances it is not reasonable to expect your step-children to stay away. The word “step-parent” does include the word parent, and while they are not your blood they are your family. And they are your DH’s children, which you knew when you married him. Yes it’s your home but it is the children’s home too, albeit part time. It would be incredibly hurtful to shut them out, to give them the feeling that they are optional in you and your DH’s life.

Condolences on the loss of your father. However, you cannot allow your own grief to prevent your husband's children from seeing him. That's incredibly selfish.

You said it would be different for the ex-wife because they're her children. They are also your husband's children and they are asking to see their Dad. What is it about having the children come to stay as is their normal routine that you are finding problematical?

Oh op am so sorry for your loss.

However you are being incredibly unreasonable. And I’m guessing that this isn’t new to this situation. Sadly it sounds like you are trying to “leverage” your grief to reassert things that are already sounding very wrong.

You won’t let your dh see your children with their mum as you have a jealousy issue, you fee that they invade your home, etc. Please do look further into seeking help as, to be honest it sounds like you or relationship may suffer.

That said - right now you’re grieving and that is so hard.

My dad died, my mum died. I still had to look after my dc. You have to get on with your life with your grief. Your dh is their dad. One weekend is enough to miss. You stay in your room while they see him.

It's not up to you to judge what they do while they see him. By that logic they need never see him at all because they're only playing video games. They are still seeing him though.

@SimonJT

You’re not wrong to feel that way, but you are wrong if you make it happen.

This

You've lost your dad,don't you understand that keeping your step children from their dad will hurt them? Have you had an empathy bypass?

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

I get the message thank you no need to keep going. It's really hard. I will talk to DH and see if there is a compromise.

No, you clearly don't get the message.

You have been told (kindly) that you're being incredibly selfish and even though you were jealous when your Dad remarried you STILL expect your DH to put your grief before his children for weeks on end.

Why are you trying to drive a wedge between him & his children? Simply because you're jealous of his ex wife?!

He's already not seen his kids to 'support' you. He & the children have compromised-it's now your turn.

I may be coming from a different angle as I didn't lose my father but I did lose one of my best friends suddenly to meningitis.
Obviously I was heartbroken I totally understand the need for your DH support, we had my SC over about 4 days after I found out and I'll be honest I didn't want them because I thought their laughing and playing would somehow make me forget my pain and I wasn't ready to laugh or joke with anyone and I didn't think they would be able to bring anything to my situation. Selfish but you need to be selfish in grief sometimes.

Anyone I didn't voice it as I wasn't brave enough and just thought I'll go upstairs or out to my mums but you know what they were fantastic (SS 10 SD 11 SS 13) they were briefed on my situation obviously and they were so helpful and my SD just said in the evening 'I'm sorry about your friend I don't know what I'd do if I lost my best friend'

And I just broke down but it was ok because I knew she was trying to help. I got made cups of tea and they were so respectful.

Kids rarely get to be supportive so maybe let them try but I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you lost your dad xxx

I feel really sorry for his children. I lost my dad a few years ago and it was horrendous but life has to go on. I have noticed that some adults (and please note the use of the word some - this certainly doesn't apply to all) who don't have their own children can still be quite self centred and child like themselves and I think this may apply to you. I'm sorry for your loss but remember you're the adult and they're the children here and it would be terrible for them not to see their dad on father's day.

What would you do if they were your biological children, cart them off to have alone time with DH?

Sorry for your loss but you can't deprive children of their dad because your missing your dad

Really sorry for your loss OP. Sounds like it is very hard for you.

Grief is as long as a piece of string so YABU for saying you don't want them around while you are grieving because you will be grieving for many many years.

You mentioned being upset as a child when your DF remarried. I wonder if your emotions about SC, DH and DF are all entwined and whether grief counseling would help (help you but also your relationship with DH and his children).

Sorry for your loss but YABU.

The compromise is

A. He goes to their mum's house most of the weekend comes home to sleep if there's no where for him to stay.

B. They come to your house and you deal with it best you can.

Which would you prefer?