Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. It must be a very hard time for you but you sound like a bit of a nightmare.
You sound very jealous and very demanding/needy. It also sounds like this behavior isn't new and predates your fathers death.

If you continue this way, making your husband choose you over his children, you may very well find yourself alone permanently.

@AnneLovesGilbert - I totally get that & I really admire you & your outlook. But, not all blended family's work that way. That can be down to issues on the part of the step parent, on the part of the actual parent &/or an ex, issues on the part of the kids or a combination of all the above.
Not all blended families will be able to operate in a fully functional way & while I don't disagree with you I don't think coming down on a grieving person who will be in a fragile enough mental state is great.
For months now the internet has been awash with "Be Kind" but it's a concept that is in short supply from many on MN.

I think you have to step back and think of it another way - you loved you dad and need time to think about him and your relationship. Those kids love their dad and they need their precious time with him to create their memories together.
Both your dh and the kids NEED to see each other on fathers days - it's so important
I'm truly sorry for your loss but it's not fair to put that on your husband children x

I don't think coming down on a grieving person who will be in a fragile enough mental state is great.
For months now the internet has been awash with "Be Kind" but it's a concept that is in short supply from many on MN.

I agree with this and am disgusted by the behaviour of many on this thread. Taking the opportunity to kick a woman when she’s down says more about them then it does about the OP.

For months now the internet has been awash with "Be Kind" but it's a concept that is in short supply from many on MN

Grief isn't a reason to behave badly towards children. it shouldn't be used as some kind of excuse to remove children from their father. What is kind about that?

Grief is an awful thing OP and you have my sympathies. However, it ends there.

Your husband has children than need him as well you. As others have said, you can’t switch children on and off. Your attitude towards them sounds unfeeling and your refusal to allow him near his ex to be near his children is also unpleasant.

I think you’re being unreasonable.

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.

They are also his children. Even though many places are still closed, what's to stop him taking them out for a picnic/bike ride/day out at a beauty spot?

@Magda72, it's pretty clear that you are extrapolating from your own experience of grief and assuming that everyone is the same as you. But the reality is that most parents don't have the luxury of deciding they can't face anyone in that situation, and in particular they wouldn't dream of insisting that their needs must take precedence over those of children who have done nothing to deserve being shoved out of the way.

What is really worrying from OP's posts is what it reveals about problems that go well beyond a short term reaction to grief. The insistence that she doesn't want the children in "her" house, for instance: why isn't it her husband's home and indeed theirs? Her knee-jerk reaction that it would be "too awful" for them to expect to be there on Father's Day is another one.

It would really not be doing OP any favours to tell her that of course, she's right, she must insist on the children being kept away from their father till it suits her for them to resume visits. If she pushes her husband into deciding whether to prioritise her or his children, that decision is only ever going to go in favour of the children.

@BashStreetKid yes I am extrapolating from my own experience. But I'm also taking from that of my kids sm & other people I know & in my experience people are very good to help out parents who have had a death in the family. Space to grieve isn't a luxury, it's a basic human need.
Maybe OP's attitude to sdc in general is wrong. Maybe there are deeper issues. I'm not denying any of that - what I'm saying is if a person is dealing with death and grief maybe say nothing instead of brow beating that person - it's not the time nor the place.
There have been some really nasty comments on this thread & I'll bet however bad op was feeling she's now feeling a lot worse which under the circumstances is, in my opinion, not fair.

Space to grieve isn't a luxury, it's a basic human need.

More so than a child's contact time with a parent, when that is what they have always known?

@Magda72 would you really rather that the only comments on this thread were those saying to the OP, that of course she is right to keep the children away from their df, for as long as she wants? To tell her that the children’s needs are unimportant, in comparison to her needs? That she should be number 1 in her husband’s life, ahead of his dcs, and he should ignore the fact that he has children until she decides that he can see them again? It would be doing no favours to anyone by doing so, least of all the OP!

The harsh reality is that life does go on. By next weekend it will be 3 weeks since her df died and while the OP’s grief continues, it should not be at the expense of 2 young children, who probably won’t understand why their father has stopped seeing them. The longer she prevents her dh seeing his dcs, the harder it will be on the relationship she has with them and could irreparably damage the relationship between her dh and his Unless that is what she wants...

*his dcs.

Sorry YABU.

You can not stop them coming because you are grieving. You can't push them away from their own dad because you have lost yours.

If they only sit on their games anyway whats the problem? I'm sure they have been briefed about what's happened and will be kind to you

As others have said, grief comes in waves. We can't just switch off from life and our responsibilities to deal with it (with the possible exception of the loss of a child).

Most people have to return to work a day or two after a death of a parent. I think I got two days leave plus a day for the funeral. Others have to continue to manage their own children.

OP's need to have her husband's undivided presence for five weeks at least, and her inability to consider her step children being in the house for three days within that period, is not a standard response to grief.

She has the option of her husband going to them instead, but that's not acceptable to her either.

I've lost parents, I've lost my husband, and many of my friends and colleagues have have lost parents too. But not a single one of them had been unable to continue with their responsibilities after, say, the first week.

@Tootsie321 - again I'll repeat that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is the tone of the vast majority of these posts has been extremely unkind & the comments have been unnecessarily harsh especially given that the OP's df only passed away two weeks ago & we don't know how exactly she's handling that grief.
I'm actually not going to comment anymore as my comments are being willfully misunderstood by the majority & quite frankly I'm shocked at the level of nastiness on this thread.

@Magda72 This would be an extremely short thread if everyone had done as you suggest, and walked away without comment, because they disagreed with the Op! The Op made this thread to ask for opinions and that is what she has been given. The fact that most disagree with her, is not cruelty, it is honesty!

Most of us have shown empathy for her, but it is wrong and unhelpful to tell her that her needs top the needs of her dsc. She is an adult who is grieving for her father, and I certainly know what that is like, but the needs of these children cannot just be pushed away and ignored for numerous weeks. She has been a stepchild herself and knows how hard that can be, so I would have hoped that she would remember the difficulties that brings, and have some empathy for these young children who are asking for their father. Perhaps the other posters, who have said she shouldn’t have married a man who has children, have hit the nail on the head!

“I hate him spending any time with his ex wife. I know I'm jealous and handle it usually though prefer him not to speak to her unless necessary. When Im grieving it seems really harsh for him to go and spend time with her when he knows I don't like it. Just being honest.

I shall suggest to him that he takes them out or something one afternoon instead”

meow!
Seems very catty!
So, you don’t want them to come over?! And you don’t want your dp to go and see them.
This isn’t even your fault. It’s your husband’s. How can he allow you to dictate his life like this.
I’m sorry about your loss but love has to carry on. I have a feeling you don’t like your step children very much and are using this as an excuse to reduce contact.
If I was the kids mum I would just drop the kids.
The was kind enough to give you a week but know I think your are pushing it.
If the father of my child tried to do it to me I would not be having any of it.
If there were your kids you would not be behaving like this and wanting them not to be around.

It’s quite sad that you are behaving like this.
The loss of your dad is no excuse to be like this.

You want them to miss out on seeing their Father on Fathers Day? I’m sorry I think that’s awful of you, you’re a grown woman! I’m sorry your Dad died but you’re punishing two innocent children and your husband, you’re being incredibly selfish.

Firstly, you need professional help

Secondly, your husband needs to file for divorce.

Yes you're wrong. Poor children.

I think you are being completely unreasonable. I presume you're with your partner during the week without the children. You asked them all to change plans for one weekend, which everyone did, and now you want another weekend off the children? You sound incredibly selfish. I understand your father passed away but why would you now make your partner and your stepchildren suffer by not spending time together?

YABU. You have just lost your father but it doesn't mean they need to lose theirs. I think one week was understandable. But him not seeing his kids for a month is very unreasonable.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

They are 10 and 12 and spend most of their time on the internet playing games so I don't see why they can't just do that at home.

I don't want to sit upstairs hidden away from DH. I want to be with him I my house.

But your need to monopolise your oh as an adult does not trump their needs as children to be with their father.

As harsh and hard as it is, you need to get a bit of a grip on reality. That doesn't mean you can't mourn, it does mean that it does need to be business as usual for the family unit, with you participating and not hiding away.

Death is hard. But when you have children, life really does carry on as normal in spite of the pain and anguish. And actually children help us to live again.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven it's fathers day soon. I was thinking maybe they could come after that again. I don't want them here then it would be too awful.

Excuse you? You expect to be able to keep your husband's children away from him on Father's Day?!?! "I don't want them here then" Who the hell do you think you are!? You married him KNOWING he had children. They come first I'm afraid.
When my Dad died life had to continue!

These children need their Dad. If you're struggling to see them then go stay with family. Wherever their father lives is also their home by the way, not just yours

YABVVVVVVU and painting yourself as a very wicked stepmother

@LillianBland She does not need to put her own needs first at all She needs to put the children first! As awful as it may sound, it really isn't the kid's problem that OP has lost her Dad.
When my Dad died, I didn't (and couldn't!) just stop looking after my DC!