Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I do feel you are being unfair both to your DH and his DC. I am sure he wants to see them and his needs matter too.

I have also lost my father, a long time ago now but Father’s Day still hurts. No one else can tell you how to feel OP, we all grieve differently.

Sorry other posters are giving you a hard time.

Sorry one night a week - effectively the same number of days as eow though.

OP you must be really upset it's such a horrible thing losing your dad. And this time is awful for everyone.
But I'm sorry I think you can't keep them away from their father because you're grieving yours.

Look at this from the kids point of view. They won't have seen their dad for a month if you say no, which to them will look like their dad is prioritising your grief over them.

For a week, yes, fine. You can't keep them away from their dad for a month though.

Sorry about your loss but you aren’t being fair to the children or your dh really
You know they want to see their dad But are putting your own needs first

If they genuinely just play games when there they’re not going to take a lot of your time, attention, energy anyway

You can’t just shirk any responsibility for them because they’re not biologically yours in sent way you couldn’t if they were

I’m sorry for your loss OP, I’ve lost both my parents and it’s very very hard.

That said, I do think you need to recognise that your DH’s children need their dad. Of course he can and should support you but he’s a parent first and he can’t keep his children away forever. Your stepchildren have already missed one planned weekend with their father, you want them to miss the next one, and now you’re saying they can’t spend Father’s Day with him and not see him till after that (which is still another 2 weeks away).

I don’t think you can dictate that children have to go over a month without seeing their dad, nor that they can’t see him on Father’s Day.

If you really can’t face them being in your house then can your DH not go to visit them? Both next weekend when he would normally spend time with them, and on Father’s Day?

And, in your last post Op, you state it is different for her regarding her father's death, because they're her children. They are also your husband's children, and presuming he would do the looking after them, you don't need to be doing anything for them apart from allowing them to see their father. And banning them till after father's day is terrible!

Hang on. Are you really saying you don't want your kids to see their father on Father's Day, having already not seen him for more than a month?

I call reverse. You can't be this obtuse.

Sorry, but I think you are wrong too. Your H can keep them out of your hair but they shouldn’t be prevented from seeing him. You have your H to yourself all week and every other weekend. You might actually find the distraction helpful.

I'm really sorry for your loss op but in the kindest way, when you become a step parent, you don't get to pick and choose when you see your step children.
They both sound as though they aren't much bother and are old enough to understand that you will be preoccupied.
It's not fair to stop them seeing their Dad, particularly as lockdown means there is no alternative eg him taking them out for pizza etc

It's quite ironic to say the children cannot see their father because you've lost your father. You absolutely deserve to grieve but that does not override the children's right to continue long established contact with thier father. As I said he should shield you from any demands, and from what you've written they are very undemanding and you'll get plenty of time with your husband without them even when they are in the house!

It's not about the father's need to see his children, or about their mother in any way, it's about the children's need and right to see their father one measily night per week!

Op some people here like to kick step mothers when they are down. Please ignore any heartless comments. Two weeks is no time to process the death of a parent.

However their mum has already been flexible with last weekend and may need a break. I don't think it's fair for your partner to opt out of parenting and expect her to pick up the slack for weeks on end

Could a comprise be that he takes them out for the day and they just come back to sleep?

Can you articulate exactly why you don't want them around? I am also recently bereaved and I have found my step children's presence a comfort and a welcome distraction.

'She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.'

Spot on OP.

But you know who else's children they are don't you?

Your husband.

So, he carries on looking after them and being a parent no matter what. Your grief doesn't override his obligation to his children.

I'm sorry OP. Of course, you want time to grieve and you are not being unreasonable. I can't believe the lack of sympathy you have been shown so far.

OP I am sorry for your loss. It is a hard time and grief isn't a straight forward process. You do need time and I think you are brave for coming on here to consider other people's points during this sad time.

However, I do agree with the other posters. I think you are struggling to make a decision and grieve at the same time. I think the dc need to see their dad and you need to grieve. I agree with the previous posters and think you all need to be considerate of each other here. It is a logistical issue. Perhaps you could quietly excuse yourself when you need to or leave it to your dp/dh to decide while you are feeling so emotional.

when you become a step parent, you don't get to pick and choose when you see your step children.

This sounds like you are saying that step parents have less rights and should accept being 2nd class citizens in their own home?

Of course step parents should get a say in when they see their step children.

''She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children''

... they are also your husbands children.... a month without seeing their dad because you need to be alone with your husband all the time is too much. You're grieving which is understandable but it can't be at the expensive of young children spending time with their dad, especially at a time with lockdown when routine and consistency is important. YABU.

I don’t think you are unreasonable, It’s very different dynamics when children are present and hiding upstairs will just add to your loneliness and grieve, none of you will be able to behave as usual. I actually think that it would be easier in case of small children, they need a lot of practical help so you just function automatically, it’s very different with 10 and 12 they are not babies but they are not adults yet so it’s much bigger effort mentally.

Saying this I think you need to find some sort of compromise where your partner sees his DC in a park, takes them to a picnic or cycle ride so they could see him and get his attention.

It’s very difficult time for you and it doesn’t matter that your Dad was 88 and had been ill long time. He was your Dad and you were his little girl. Sorry for your loss.

You’re not wrong to feel that way, but you are wrong if you make it happen.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven My condolences for your loss. My MIL died recently too. Having my children around has been a comfort, for them and me.

Yes, your dad was precious, but it seems bizarre that you, as a grown woman, can’t face Father’s Day without your dad, but expect your step children to not see their dad? How does your DH feel about that?

I think you are being a little bit OTT. It’s been a comfort for me to know that normal life goes on etc etc.

🌻🌻🌻 for you.

Asking for your husband's children to only have text contact with their dad until after Father's Day isn't fair.

He is their parent and doesn't get to opt out of that. How amicable is he with their mum? Could he spend time at hers with them?

Sorry for your loss, OP. I know how you feel because I lost my lovely dad in Feb. He was 84. We are all still grieving and my mum is alone after 59 years of a very happy marriage. We also lost my mil just over a year ago so it's been a very tough time. My ds is a bit older at 14 but was incredibly close to my dad and close to his gran too. He needed support too though, we all supported each other and we are still grieving. I know they aren't your children but I don't understand the correlation between you're terribly sad loss and the children not being allowed to visit their own dad? It's almost like they are being punished. They are almost teens, can entertain themselves and it's just for one night. At their ages your dp can explain you are grieving and why and they will understand and respect this. This will be my first fathers day without dad too but we will be celebrating the day with dh and remembering my own dad too.
.

I'm very sorry for your loss and understand you're heartbroken but the children need to see their dad. I'm really surprised you don't even want them to see their dad on Father's day! That seems like it could be really upsetting for them. Surely losing your dad has made you realise how important that relationship is? They don't even live with their dad so their time together is very important. It doesn't matter if they're always on the computer - so are my kids but it means a lot to them that I'm close by.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

The mother has suggested that he could pick them up for a few hours or jus come for dinner but so different with lockdown as stuff isn't open. She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.

And they are your husband's children so no different for him. Poor children obviously want to see their Dad. It looks a little like you want to hurt them too.