Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

You won't let them come to your (not yours and dh's) home.
You don't want him to see them in their home.

The weather is rubbish. No one will want to spend a whole day outside at the moment. Half a day out in the cold and drizzle is poor compensation for missing a whole weekend or more with their dad.

You need to either allow them to visit or you need to let him go and visit them at their home.

I think, with all due respect, you need to get a grip. Your Dad was 88, he led a full life, and you have already had two weeks to grieve; you can’t keep your kids away from their dad for an indefinite time. You are an adult who has to come to terms with the death of an elderly parent - they are just kids who, in their mind, are being kept away from their dad by his new wife in the same situation where their own mum kept them close. You and your DH risk alienating them as they get older.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

No he’s choosing to parent his children.

You said your Stepmother made you feel jealous... can you see history repeating here...

I think you’re being a bit unfair to your DH and his children. He’s not helping out his ex-wife but being a father to his own children on a part-time basis.

You already have him to yourself for the vast majority of the time, every single week. Surely as a grown adult, that’s enough?

I’m in my fifties and both my parents died when I was much younger (my dad when I was a teen) so they’ve never been around for my wedding or having children and unfortunately, I can’t really imagine how you’re feeling because I’ve always just got on with stuff when bad things happen. My brother is married with no children and can be very self indulgent if given the opportunity, but I just disengage from him for a bit when he’s like that.

I have 2 step children and 1 child with DH. I am their only ‘mother’ figure as their mum died and as far as I’m concerned they’re just all my children.

I’m sorry for your loss. It always feels inconceivable after a loss that the world keeps turning, but it does, and your husband needs to see his children and them him.

OP, I am sorry for your loss. But you are being astoundingly self-absorbed, and losing sight entirely of the children in your making this into some kind of competition as to whether your h puts you or his ex first. I suspect that is what this is really about, and that you are using your loss as an excuse to keep the children away and show the ex that you come first.

The thing with grief is that it comes in waves - only it is far less predictable than the tide - and it never really ends because the love you have for the person who died never ends until the day you die yourself.

You need to find your way to your new normal, and the routines of your DH and DSC are a part of that new normal. If you are waiting for the day you absolutely know you won’t crumble the moment your front door closes behind you, then you could be waiting indefinitely to feel ok about your DSC being around.
I think their DM has been very accommodating in changing previous contact to allow you and DH to deal with the initial aftermath, but now it’s time to find your way forwards.
Wishing you all the best OP, you are in the middle of an emotional tsunami and I think many posters are being unnecessarily unkind

I’m glad you seem to have taken points of board.

I thought, from your title, you were going to say you had a houseful 24/7 due to lockdown and wanted a couple of days alone, which would be reasonable. Since you have DP to yourself 13 nights out of 14 I think you're unreasonable to want him to give up his one night with his children, and think all involved have been very generous up to now.

Imagine it was the other way round. Would you really think you'd happily not see your children (if you had some) for a month, including Mothering Sunday, in similar circumstances? I'd be horrified if you say yes, yet this is what you are asking of DP.

The 'having them for her' comment indicates that somehow you don't really 'count' the children as being your dh's as well as his ex's - you seem to think they're her 'responsibility' and not really part of your and your dh's life. I find that worrying, and if I were your dh alarm bells would be going off.

I know my posts are harsh, but your father was 88 and his loss not unexpected. Of course you are sad, of course it's horrible, but there is a definite sense of you making this into a test for your dh.

Am I the only one who thinks the DH is the real issue here? Cutting his very limited contact with kids because his wife tells him to?

I had a dad who did this. My step mother had all manner of excuses. Nor would he have been permitted to visit us in our mum's house.

We're no contact these days, exactly as my step mother wanted it.

OP may well just be acting a little crazy with grief. But her husband is a real problem

It seems as though you're jealous of the children as well as of the ex wife.

He has them one night a week. She has them six. The other night isn't her night off. It's his time to spend with his children. For whom he's actually 50% responsible.

I’m sorry for your loss. It really is selfish to stop your dh seeing his children. They need to see their father. You can’t expect him and them to wait weeks because You’re greiving. Saying they can see him after Father’s Day because you will be upset is ridiculous. You need to get a grip.

If you have your own children are you telling them not to be at home for weeks because you want to be with your husband in your house?
Your husband and his children shouldn't miss out on time because you're having a difficult time.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss.

You are not being unreasonable to grieve. However, you are being unreasonable to stop children from seeing their father. In fact, given that you were evidently close to your own father, fostering closeness between your husband and his children would be a good way to honour his memory.

If you take on a partner who has children, your needs will always have to come second to the needs of the children. It may seem unfair, but that's the way it is for any half decent parent.

Can't you just go upstairs and shut the door and read a book all day and make sure the husband does all the cleaning and feeding of his children when they are there.

Honestly, I think you are being a bit precious. I was sitting in a swimming pool watching swimming lessons less than 24 hours after my dad died because you cannot just put the life of your children on hold.

It’s been 2 weeks - how long are you planning on banning your step children from your house for?

What a horribly smug unempathetic post

to OP

I'm sorry for your loss, OP

But...

He loves his children, as your father loved you. His kids love him, as you loved your father. If you could have even one more day with your father, would you want anyone else to deny you that?

You have no right to deny him time with his children because you are grieving. Every second a parent, especially a loving NRP, has with their children, is precious.

None of us know when might be last time we see them. I say that as someone who lost both parents as a child.

You now want their dad all to yourself, at their expense. Can you not see how unreasonable that is?

Please do get help. I hope you feel better soon.

I've just picked up on the fact that you said, of your stepchildren, that you 'usually don't mind their visits'. 'Visits', as if they were an annoying/inconvenient relative.

I think it is a very wise idea to seek counselling, although I suspect it may be quite an uncomfortable experience for you. I agree with Grobagsforever that your husband's doing your bidding in this respect is not a good sign about him as a father. The demands you are making of him are inappropriate. Saying you know you're jealous of his ex is an insight, but it's an insight you need to act on, and change things.

I think the Father's Day thing is supposed to be a litmus test. If he puts his own children (!) off for Father's Day, to prioritise your professed pain at having lost your father, then you'll know you've won. But the trouble with jealousy, OP, is that it never sleeps for long. There'll be another situation like this, and another, and another. And all the time you'll be damaging those children via damaging their father's relationship with them (providing he goes along with this, which at some point he may not).

Be brave and get this sorted.

You need to get some help to change your attitude before your husband wises up. If any spouse or partner tried to tell me when I could see my own children because they couldn't behave like an adult that would be, the relationship would be over. He's a parent. His seeing his children is parenting not 'helping out' their other parent. You don't see your home as theirs or even his, but yours and they're an intrusion. They'll know that, too. Poor kids. I really hope your h wises up because right now he's really letting them down.

YABVU, I hope it’s just your grief making you irrational else I feel sorry for your SC.

You’ve had one weekend off, and you have every day in the week to be alone with your DH but he is a father and he needs to see his children. To make him go without until after Father’s Days is really selfish and cruel for all involved.

I am usually on the step mother side on step mother threads, but this is an exception.

I’m really sorry for your loss but you are being really U.

• You said they couldn’t come last weekend and don’t want them until after Father’s Day, so 6 weeks with no contact with their dad.
• “We have said we will see them soon at some point and that will be nice. They can text DH if they want still.” This is an appalling message. I hope that’s just due to shorthand.
• you feel like he’s helping his ex over you? They are his kids, he’s not helping he’s parenting.
• he already only sees them once a fortnight.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume grieve is clouding your senses, but it really reads like you think his children are competitors for his attention and you seem to resent that hugely.

Sorry for the loss of your father.
It's really positive that you acknowledge that you might need some counselling.
Your husband is caught in a really hard place right now between wanting to support you and that's why he cancelled his weekend and seeing his children initially and that makes him sound like a really decent man.
You say it's your house, is it solely your house or is it joint. If it is just yours but you married him knowing he had children it's not fair to use that, it it's jointly your home then you need to compromise. The children are old enough for him to explain you are having a tough time right now so might not be yours usual self and it is absolutely find for you to take some time out for yourself - leisurely bath, binge watch a series in bed, go for a walk at a place where you can remember your father etc and maybe just join them for dinner. I know not everyone is the same but like you I value my privacy when I'm having a hard time but equally a dinner or movie night with you husband and children might be just what you need to take your mind off things for a few hours.
See how the weekend goes and maybe suggest for the Father's Day weekend he has them stay over but plans for take them out for a good few hours if you still don't feel ready and want that at home on your own. It's hard that you won't be able to see your father but it's unfair that they can't see theirs and for all the support your husband has given you it's unfair to put him in the position where he feels he is upsetting you by doing something he will naturally want to do.
I hope this hasn't come across as harsh and know that grief affects everyone in different ways but also don't let it cloud your views in what is fair for your husband and step children.
Hope things work out x

When I first read your post I felt this was very unfair on your DH and his children. Now I think about it I realise how unfair it is on the children's mother. She can't be expected to do 100% of the parenting for weeks on end. They are not together any more but he is just as much their parent as she is. He can't just refuse to parent them. How would you feel if she said she wouldn't parent them for one month? It's completely unacceptable. From your subsequent posts it seems you are jealous of her and perhaps his relationship with his children. It is this issue which you and your husband need to address.

I find your behaviour quite shocking OP

Your bereavement should be reminding you how important and special your Dad was, thus ensuring the DC still get to have that at this difficult time...

Instead, its "I'll never see my Dad again so you can't see yours, BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO MYSELF"

You are placing yourself in the child role with THEIR father and you need to Grow Up. I'm very sorry for your Bereavement but you are clearly abusing it to manipulate your DH.

Interesting first post.

YABU