Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

YABU completely and I say that as a sometimes reluctant stepmum myself. You can go upstairs if you want to be alone? You can't stop the dc seeing their dad because you lost yours, I'm sorry you lost your dad but no matter what the dc must come first in any situation.

I once had a terrible case of d&v and the my dsc still came. I hibernated in my room and my Dh looked after the dc. I can't think of a single situation when it's ok to stop dsc coming over

I'm sorry for your loss, but I just can't understand this. Your husband isn't a babysitter for his children, he is their father and he deserves to spend time with them as they deserve to spend time with him. I live with my children and my new partner, if he was grieving I would be really hurt if he said he wanted the children to not be here for an extended period. The first night or two I could understand but they are people with their own feelings and emotions. As a parent you have to ignore your own feelings sometimes because there are other people who need you more. As a person you have to do the same in order to go to work or do food shopping or housework. I'm sorry if this sounds callous, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by allowing yourself to be in a constant state of grief. You do need to return to some semblance of normality, even if its small steps, but one of those first steps should be to allow your husband to have contact with his children.

OP, do 6ou really expect to feel better asking your oh his undivided attention and understanding of how much in pain you are missing your dad on the one day that he should be with his kids celebrating bring their dad?

Would you really feel no guilt at all taking this away from them when it's the one bit you yourself miss most? How can this not come across that you want to punish them because you feel you've been punished yourself?

OP you cannot punish his children because you are grieving.

Your posts read like you're in competition with his children (and his ex), he has contact one night per fortnight with them and you have his attention the rest of the time, by seeing his own children he is not 'helping his ex' he is doing a minimal amount of parenting compared to the time his children are with their mother.

OP I think if anything you losing your dad should make your stepchildren seeing their's more important to you. Life's too short and you just never know what's around the corner. As horrible as that sounds, it's true.

OP you've had a bit of a pile on here and I don't want to be unkind because I know from personal experience grief makes you unreasonable.
What I will say though is that it sounds like you have some real deep seated issues when it comes to jealousy.
The fact that you think a man wanting to see his own children means he's choosing his ex over you is quite disturbing and I suspect your jealousy stretches to feeling you're in competition with the children too. You need to do something about that. It will be related to low self esteem I imagined, a need to "win" because it validates you.

sorry about your Dad. dh looking after his kids is helping the ex are you on a different planet to me? it's not helping his ex its your dh being a dad

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

I think it's entirely fair for you to need time. You're not being unreasonable at all.

If they were your own kids you couldn't / wouldn't expect them to go away because your Dad died. Most of us on MN who have lost a parent, just crack on with family life / work and don't expect to have extended periods of quiet time with our spouses. Life doesn't work that way.

@stellabelle

If they were your own kids you couldn't / wouldn't expect them to go away because your Dad died. Most of us on MN who have lost a parent, just crack on with family life / work and don't expect to have extended periods of quiet time with our spouses. Life doesn't work that way.

This is bollocks. Sometimes when something devastating happens, other family members might step in to help and give the bereaved a break.

In this case that family is their mother. It's not forever and it's totally fair that the OP needs time.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

Look - you clearly need alone time, but you really can't keep him from his children on Father's Day, you really can't. It's grossly unfair, and I think that you need to see if a friend can have you stay over during that time, so he can see his children, and you can be out of the way if you think you can't handle being around them on that day. MN is notoriously harsh on step parents, but I do recognise you need time.

You do also need to get into therapy because you clearly have some things to work through. Your husband isn't a babysitter, he's a parent and he does have to prioritise his children, yes there are times like now where you need space in your own home, and allowances should be made for that, but ultimately he has to put them first. That's the way it's going to be. As others have said, he isn't doing his ex wife a favour, he's being a parent.

Also remember that he's married to you now, and not her, and until the kids are eighteen then he's going to have to be involved with conversation with his ex wife for the sake of his children's welfare.

I don't agree that you should push down your need to grieve, but you're going to have to meet him halfway.

Those poor kids.