Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

312 replies

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 13:49

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 07/06/2020 14:42

Another poster put it perfectly: he's not "helping" the ex, he's "being a dad".

Pebblexox · 07/06/2020 14:43

Also did you really say you don't want them at yours until after Father's Day? So you don't want your husband to spend time with him children on Father's Day?

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 07/06/2020 14:43

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

That is so messed up. Children need to be in regular contact with their dad so he can parent them, not babysit them for someone else.

I'm sorry for your loss.

RoisinD · 07/06/2020 14:43

@TazSyd

It looks a little like you want to hurt them too.

Does being spiteful to someone who is grieving make you feel big and clever?

Neither big nor clever or indeed spiteful. Other posters hsve used the word 'punish' with regard to OPs response to her husbands childrens request to see their Dad. OP seems to be ignoring most of the reasoned responses as she does not want his children in her house at the moment . Neither does she want him spending time with his 'ex wife' and seeing the children at her home. I would imagine the children are hurting and will continue to do so if they cannot see their Dad.
Prettybubblesintheair · 07/06/2020 14:43

I’m sorry for your loss but you are being completely and utterly unreasonable and if you can’t allow your husband to be a dad you should probably rethink your marriage. You cannot just stop him and his children having a relationship because of your grief and jealousy. I hope he stands up to you.

Again, I am sorry for your loss but you really do need some sort of help.

SoftSheen · 07/06/2020 14:44

YABU I'm afraid. Don't come between your partner and his children.

Hoppinggreen · 07/06/2020 14:44

I’m sorry for your loss but while you have lost a much loved family member, these children haven’t presumably, and they should still get to see their father if both they and he wants to. You say you couldn’t stand to have them there on Fathers Day but that’s very unfair to your DH, he should be with his Dc then. If you feel you can’t cope with them in the house could he take them somewhere - I appreciate that difficult at the moment but if the weather Is ok it should be do able

howlatthetrees · 07/06/2020 14:44

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me. this is really worrying, OP. When he has his children he isn’t helping out he is parenting.

I am really sorry for the loss of your DF but I think that YABU to stop your SC seeing their father. I would look into counselling as you have said you were jealous as a child when your DF remarried and now you are jealous of the ex wife x

allthedamnvampires · 07/06/2020 14:45

Do you put the accusation to your DH is choosing his children over you? Or choosing to help his XW over you? Please don't!

Even if you somehow 'win' this round and keep the kids from your door for now, this will not go well for you in the longer run. You don't want to alienate your DH, his XW and your DSC.

I think you'll need some therapy. Meanwhile continue to recognise this is disordered thinking.

poppym12 · 07/06/2020 14:46

I think you're putting him in a difficult position by basically asking him to choose to spend time with you or his children. What does he want? It may be that he can't face telling you that he wants to spend time with his children rather than feeling anxious about explaining it to them and their mum. Seeing his children is not about giving their mother a break!

I lost my dad recently too, I'm also a parent and a step-parent. Grief is difficult and comes in waves. You may find that having the children in the house for a while and hearing their chat and laughter could help you. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that my dad has gone on father's day, I'd rather remember the daft presents I got him that made him laugh or the meals we enjoyed together.

lockdownalli · 07/06/2020 14:46

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

You don't think he actually enjoys seeing his children? Confused You think he sees them in order to "help out" his ex wife?

I agree with PP - counselling might help. Did you feel this resentful before your father died?

Pugsrus · 07/06/2020 14:46

I’ve got 4 dc
Sometimes I just want time with my dh all to myself as well.i understand that bit .but they are not at your house all the time like mine are ,you do get time alone with your dh when they are at his mums .

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 07/06/2020 14:47

I don't think any dad, yours included, would want his passing to be the reason that another child doesn't get to be with their dad on father's day. It would also be very nice for these children if their parents got along and communicated well. You are taking that away from them at the best of times while also expecting everyone to recognise how important your own relationship with your father was. I don't think this is something anyone else needs to understand, I think you have to understand that grieving isn't an excuse, and I know a lot about grieving.

Blueuggboots · 07/06/2020 14:47

I'm so sorry your father died.
I'm sorry, but I think YABU. Yes, rearrange one weekend, but that's it. You can't keep putting them off.
He's their father and they need to see him.

SonEtLumiere · 07/06/2020 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happymum12345 · 07/06/2020 14:48

You married him knowing he has children. As awful as it is for you to lose your dad, they are still his children & they should always come before you.

vanillandhoney · 07/06/2020 14:49

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss but these are his children. He's not helping his ex out, he's being a parent. You don't get to dictate that he can't have his children over for a month because you need to grieve.

If it was the other way around - you had children and your DH wanted you to not see them for a month, would you really sit back and say "absolutely"?

Tableclothing · 07/06/2020 14:49

If my partner told me I couldn't see my children... well, I don't know what I would do, but it wouldn't be acquiesce.

OP, how much longer do you want? A month? Two? Three? Six? At some point, your stepchildren will need to see their father again. That first occasion will probably be the hardest for you, and it may be best to get it over with.

crusheddaffodils · 07/06/2020 14:49

YABU (so much do that I also had 'reverse' alarm bells). I've read your updates and I'm glad you're taking the replies on board.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father but, as others have said, you are being selfish. Some selfishness is expected when grieving but you are taking it too far.

If I were your husband I would be very hurt that you think so little of his relationship with his children. Just a secondary sort of relationship - a remnant of his past that can be left and forgotten for several weeks at a time? But your relationship with your father was so strong that you need to be your husband's sole focus 24/7 for at least a month?

As an aside, it doesn't sound like he has them very often as it is (from your OP, it sounds like every other weekend) but that's another issue. You might need to be prepared for that increasing over time though.

NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 14:50

'If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.'

Counselling would definitely be a good idea to address thought patterns like this.

How grateful are you to his ex-wife for choosing to help him out by looking after his children 6 nights a week so you can enjoy mostly children free time with your husband?

How grateful to her were you last weekend when she stepped in to pick up the one day a week that he is supposed to do childcare?

Do you understand that children are the 50/50 responsibility of their parents? Do you think your husband takes 50% responsibility for them?

I think there is a lot for you to unpick here OP.

Saltystraw · 07/06/2020 14:50

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry but it seems you are exploiting this situation as a way to spend more time with your DP without the children. You are grieving your father, how can you think it’s ok to take the children away from there’s. I understand they aren’t yours and it’s not always comfortable or easy to have them around but you got given a grace period.

cicatrix1 · 07/06/2020 14:50

Sorry for your loss op,but the children should come first....They need to see their father.They don't fully understand what has happend ,or your feelings.Hopefully you will make the right decision.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/06/2020 14:51

Sorry for your loss.

It might actually do you the world of good to have them there. I can remember when my dad died if I was left alone I could barely cope and if I'm honest wallowed in it a bit, but distractions and other people around helped me start to adjust to the new normal without him there.

They need to see their dad, if you need to take time out while they are there you can go upstairs for a bit, but if they play consoles a lot it sounds like they will give you space anyway.

lucyintheskywithcz · 07/06/2020 14:51

You shouldn't have married someone with kids. I am not a SP but I find your attitude astonishing. They are his kids too - he's not helping her out by having them and honestly you've had a weekend to grieve now you've got to get back to reality like all of us with kids do. The world doesn't stop. If you don't want them there he needs to go to hers but you shouldn't be stopping him seeing his kids

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/06/2020 14:52

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad 🌷. My Dad died, suddenly (In his 60's) a decade ago and I still miss him every day and Father's Day etc is still very upsetting.

But you know, for everyone else, life goes on. You cannot stop your DH seeing his Children.

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children

And they're your DH's children too. She currently has them pretty much all the time, how much extra care/responsibility for school work/childcare has he taken on during lockdown?

No matter how much you miss your Dad and no matter how much you'd rather just have DH to yourself - you can't. HE has children & a responsibility to parent them and they have a right to be with their Dad.

Sorry, but that's the bottom line.