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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

312 replies

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 13:49

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

OP posts:
Postmanbear · 07/06/2020 14:21

OP it is understandable that you want some time alone but by asking your DH to stop seeing his children you are effectively asking him to put your grief over their needs. You cannot cancel Father’s Day for them because you have lost your own father.
You have my sympathies but you are being unreasonable.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 07/06/2020 14:22

Sorry for your loss but yes YABU.

I'm a step mother with no children of my own. But there's no way DH wouldn't see DSS for that long. Nor would I ask him not to.

I've had a rough time with my health lately and have bad days where I just want to be alone. So that's what I do. Stay in bed and keep out the way. Leave DH and DSS to play.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 07/06/2020 14:22

I’m sorry for your loss.

I don’t agree with your attitude to your SC, you had brief respite immediately after your father’s death but you can’t turn children on and off, they need their father. If you don’t want to see them take yourself away - elsewhere in the house or go out.

Shakirasma · 07/06/2020 14:22

I really am sorry for your loss OP.

I know it's a very difficult, emotional time but children cannot and must not be pushed aside and their needs ignored. They need to see their dad and they need to feel loved and wanted by him, always and no matter what.

It is understandable that you may struggle with being around people at the moment but it is unacceptable of you to expect them to stay away from their father because you want him to yourself. While there are times in the heat of the moment that you need him more, such as in the immediate time of your dad's death, they should always be his priority for the duration of their childhood. They missed last weekend in order to prioritise you but from now on they need to see their dad. And if he is a good father I expect he is desperate to see them too. If you make that difficult for them then you may create more problems than you ever imagined.

allthedamnvampires · 07/06/2020 14:23

Sorry for your loss.

Do you like these children and want them around, ordinarily?

I know it can be tough being a stepmother but you have to brave-face this and keep visits as normal as you can.

You don't want them feeling pushed out by you.

Original poster
RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 14:23

I just want to be alone with him. I would feel really awkward being around them when I'm grieving.

I would feel worse still if he was at her house with her so not that not an option.

I do understand what you're saying that they want to be with him. I usually don't mind their visits but not when things are so stressful.

I guess I have a lot to think about. It's my house and I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I know I asked for that when I married him but its different at times like this surely.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 07/06/2020 14:23

You don’t want your DH to see his children on fathers Day? This seems overly harsh on him.

I am really sorry that you’re going through this but I’m afraid you’re being a little bit U. Why can’t you be with them for 2 days?

TazSyd · 07/06/2020 14:23

It looks a little like you want to hurt them too.

Does being spiteful to someone who is grieving make you feel big and clever?

Destroyedpeople · 07/06/2020 14:23

I am sorry for your loss.

But I really don't understand how you losing your father means that your stepchildren should lose theirs.

Pugsrus · 07/06/2020 14:24

If they were your own children you would not be able to banish them for a few weeks ..you are being very unfair .

ArriettyJones · 07/06/2020 14:25

I would feel worse still if he was at her house with her so not that not an option.

Why?

The children have a right to see their father.

If you can’t cope with seeing them, then then seeing him somewhere else makes sense.

Choice4567 · 07/06/2020 14:26

Cross post. Why is it different at times like this? I’m really not trying to be mean OP. I’m a step mother myself. I just not sure why it would be invading your house (which is their house too).

Yes it should be different In that you shouldn’t be expected to be entertaining them, but why can’t they be with their father?

MarcelineMissouri · 07/06/2020 14:28

I am a sm and normally very supportive but really in this instance you HAVE had time alone to grieve and while of course you should grieve for as long as you need the world outside goes on I’m afraid and that includes your husband seeing his children. If you genuinely cant cope with them visiting why can he not go and see them for the day? A nice walk and a picnic or something? You surely can’t be expecting your husband to spend every single day by your side for over a month.

Original poster
RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 14:28

I hate him spending any time with his ex wife. I know I'm jealous and handle it usually though prefer him not to speak to her unless necessary. When Im grieving it seems really harsh for him to go and spend time with her when he knows I don't like it. Just being honest.

I shall suggest to him that he takes them out or something one afternoon instead

OP posts:
Bartlet · 07/06/2020 14:28

It does sound feeble and self centred. The thought that as a grown up you must have your dh all to yourself for weeks on end seems very needy. Yes it’s sad that your dad has died but what kind of support do you need that prevents your dh leaving your side?

I can only think that you’re trying to remove them from your lives and have jumped on this as a excuse to do it. You are the kind of person who gives step parents a bad name.

strawberry2017 · 07/06/2020 14:28

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But YABU, you can't just send children away.
They still need to see their father.
You just need to find a way to make it work. Nobody is saying don't grieve but 2 almost teenagers are old enough to understand you might not be feeling yourself and give you space.
If they were yours you wouldn't be sending them away.

TooTiredTodayOk · 07/06/2020 14:28

It's not that you want some time to grieve.

It's actually that you don't want your DH and his DC seeing each other.

gamerchick · 07/06/2020 14:29

I asked for that when I married him but its different at times like this surely

For this week absolutely. Even him seeing them outside the house is fine. Wanting him by your side 24/7 for a month and possibly beyond is not, there's no time line on grief. He has obligations and commitments. What you want just can't happen, it's not fair on those bairns. Or him.

You need to compromise. It sucks and I'm sorry for your loss.

Redannie118 · 07/06/2020 14:29

I sat and held my fathers hand as he died. My DSD was at my house the next day. When you are a parent you cannot pick and choose when your kids are around to suit you. Yes your DH should be looking after them to give you a break- but they have a right to be with their dad. Remember if you had bio children you couldnt ship them off for months at a time while you had some alone time. Is it a bit shit? Well yes- but thats being a parent. If you dont want this you need to leave.

Shakirasma · 07/06/2020 14:29

I'm trying really had not to get cross OP as you are grieving. But grief is not an excuse to treat children unfairly. Im sure you DH is doing his best to support you but you are effectively trying to make him choose between you and his children. You are out of order for that.

Sadbridetobe · 07/06/2020 14:29

If they were you own kids would you send them away because of this?

Ullupullu · 07/06/2020 14:30

You cannot be serious about stopping the children seeing their own father on Father's Day?! It's very selfish to stop them seeing their dad as planned. You are the grown up. Act like it.

oiboi · 07/06/2020 14:30

Is your mum still alive? Could you go and see her whilst the kids see your husband.

I understand your grieving but you cannot stop your husband from seeing his kids for a month. You're effectively asking him to choose between you and them and that isn't fair. Unfortunately this is what you signed up to when you married a man with kids. It's not fair. But life isn't and punishing the kids and your husband isn't the answer.

allfalldown47 · 07/06/2020 14:30

@TazSyd no, I'm saying you don't get to pick & choose when you parent, just like any other parent.
Bizarre interpretation of what I wrote there Hmm

Pugsrus · 07/06/2020 14:30

Do you not have a good relationship with your step children op?
I’m just wondering if there are other problems in your relationship with them ,it feels like you are trying to punish them because you are hurting.
It feels like you resent them having their dad ,because you have lost yours.
I’m very sorry for your loss ,and you must be hurting terribly,but it’s not the Children’s fault ,they should not be punished because it’s not their fault