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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

312 replies

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 13:49

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/06/2020 14:53

I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re suffering Flowers

You’re approaching your DH time and relationships with his DC in a reality unhealthy way. They’re old enough to understand you’re not yourself and that you’ll need time to come to terms with the loss of your dad and to give you some space but it’s not your home, it’s yours and your DH home and it’s the home they see their father in. Him having time with them on Father’s Day shouldn’t even be up for discussion, it’s about the three of them.

If it’s too painful for you to see them that day you need to be elsewhere.

I’m a step mum, I haven’t lost a parent but I’ve been in utterly shit situations where I’ve had to power on and just cope. The birthday weekend that happened two days after surgery for a miscarriage of a desperately wanted baby was a particular treat but I took painkillers, wore comfy clothes, ducked upstairs to cry as needed and put on a brave face while icing cakes and wrapping presents because this is my step kids home too and life doesn’t pause when you have children in your life.

Your DH ex has been flexible, understanding and accommodating. You can be jealous of her but you can’t accuse her of being difficult about this. A lot of us would be grateful for her kindness.

DartmoorChef · 07/06/2020 14:55

Im sorry to say you really are being extremely unreasonable and unfair.

My own dad died on father's day, and it still upsets me now as he wasnt elderly at all. I was only 24.

I was a stepmother to 3 children and I would never have considered stopping them seeing their dad, and especially not on Father's day.

Im very sorry for your loss but you are behaving very selfishly.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 07/06/2020 14:56

I'm sorry OP, of course you deserve to have time to grieve

However

The reality is that parenting or step parenting simply does not go away during these times. She was understanding about the first weekend but I think you are being unreasonable about the next. The reality is that whilst you need to grieve, those DC also need to see their father.

Dp (also the step parent ) father was a dick and passed away in horrible circumstances and there is a massive amount of unresolved issues there and whilst I recognise its further on , it has been two years, dp struggles with the day. However when I have suggested we tone it down or do things a different way he refuses and says that fathers day is about the young DC and their relationship with him and their father. I always give him space and time on fathers day if I can see he is struggling.

Look , I really do get you are in pain, but even if they look like they aren't paying attention and playing video games....it matters. It really does.

Is there no option for compromise? But I'm afraid ultimately if there is not on that weekend , you will need to be the one to handle it. My DP is my best friend and the love of my life but ultimately DC are the priority and it's not like it's been a flat out no to any time and space, it's just that you've had it.

My genuine condolences though, whilst I stand by what I've posted I also realise it's not remotely easy and it is beyond painful.

KylieKoKo · 07/06/2020 14:57

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven if his ex's partner's parent died and she sent the children to you for a month non-stop would you accept it? If not then surely you can see it's not a reasonable request.

Coyoacan · 07/06/2020 14:58

I was really jealous as a child when my dad remarried

Maybe this is the crux of the matter. You are literally, maybe not consciously, trying to make these children lose their father because of a remarriage as that was how you felt as a child when your father remarried.

AnnieCartwright · 07/06/2020 14:59

It's my house

I'm sorry OP, but YABU. It's his house too and they are his children. I understand that you are grieving, but you sound jealous and clingy. That is nor fair on the children and also your DH. His children will always be his priority.

PotteringAlong · 07/06/2020 15:00

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

Do you think he has his children just to help out his ex wife?! That’s not why people see their children...

Tianalia · 07/06/2020 15:00

I'm sorry about your dad. I do think yabu though. The kids still need to see their dad.

Horehound · 07/06/2020 15:02

You sound like you really dislike your step children.
You say you don't want them in the house and you feel awkward and have to hide away upstairs.
Bizarre
But then you go on to say they play computer games so that's not really in the way is it?
You married your husband knowing he had children. That doesn't just go away when something bad happens to you
You don't even know how you will be feeling in a week's time. Maybe it would be good to have them round to take your mind off it for a night. You could all watch a nice film together. I think it would also be good for them to seethe"real" you.
Sorry for your loss

saffy1234 · 07/06/2020 15:03

I think you're being unreasonable
Sadly the world keeps turning and you can't stop them from seeing their father
Everyone's been reasonable thus far now I think you're pushing it.

melmos · 07/06/2020 15:03

Oh op I really feel for you and I am so sorry for your loss.

My best friend is a step mum, and although this isn't always the case, it feels a bit like no man's land to me a lot of the time. Of course yanbu for wanting to have time alone while grieving however yabu for stopping children seeing their father. No advice I'm afraid its a very difficult situation but I think a previous poster mentioned the idea of being a second class citizen as step parent, and I dont agree with it, it seems to be the case in my experience. Sorry I cant offer any help but my thoughts are with you

Tootsie321 · 07/06/2020 15:03

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

The mother has suggested that he could pick them up for a few hours or jus come for dinner but so different with lockdown as stuff isn't open. She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.
So sorry for your loss, I know how awful losing a parent is, as both my beloved df and dm have passed. 💐

I do think your dh’s ex has been very understanding. Your comment about her carrying on looking after her children, when her father died, is also very valid and I agree it is different. However those children may not be your’s, but they are your dh’s children, therefore they should be allowed to see their father, even if only for a few hours. He won’t have seen them for 4 weeks and to make that even longer is unfair on both your dh and dsc! They probably won’t understand why they have not been able to visit and it may seem to them that they are being punished and don’t matter! They are asking for him and it is cruel that they are being kept away from him.

Please let them visit, or allow him to visit them, even if only for a few hours as suggested. Surely you can manage, whilst your husband spends such a small amount of time, with his dc. After all this is only a few hours out of the time that he has been there for you.

OneMoreLight · 07/06/2020 15:03

He's their dad he should be seeing them no matter what.

Very selfish for you to stop that especially on Father's Day.

If they don't require entertaining nothing wrong with you doing something else in the house whilst he looks after them.

Spacepocket · 07/06/2020 15:04

I’m sorry for the loss of your father.
But YABU to exclude your step children for this length of time. Did they know your dad? It might be nice to consider doing something as a family to help you all? Plant a small tree or shrub? Some sort of written memory book?

saraclara · 07/06/2020 15:04

I'm glad so many step parents have posted here to say that you're being unreasonable.
I'm very sorry that you lost your father..I understand your grief having lost a parent, and having lost my husband far too young.

But yes, you are being unreasonable. Your grief can only impact other people's lives very briefly. Then you have to move on and manage your own feelings as best you can, while other people's lives carry on. The School have already not seen their father for a month. If they miss the next two visits, that will be nearly two months. That's not on. And you no longer having a father does not mean that they should not enjoy their own, especially on fathers day.

They're not demanding children, and he can make sure that you are left alone. But you can't expect to have him to yourself. Sorry.

PainintheholeSIL · 07/06/2020 15:05

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven I think you should read that back. Their mother looked after them herself when her father dies and that's ok because they're her children.

BUT

You don't want their father to look after them because YOUR father died. They're his children too.

I'm sorry for your loss but I think you're being really selfish.

Lockdownsucks · 07/06/2020 15:05

It sounds to me like your using this situation to your advantage.

Just calling it as i see it

YounghillKang · 07/06/2020 15:06

YANBU grief can be absolutely overwhelming, and if you need time to grieve and you need space to do it, that should be respected. It's not a bad thing for children to learn that other's feelings should come first sometimes, and this type of loss is hardly an everyday event. Pretending that grief and loss are no big deal could do them a huge disservice.

Don't pay attention to the callous 'suck it up' posters, MN attracts a surprising number of people who like to bash stepmothers on a semi-professional basis it seems, and those posters are best ignored. And as for the comparison between you losing your father and your stepchildren not seeing theirs! One weekend is not equivalent to having a parent die!

RubaDubMum89 · 07/06/2020 15:06

I've not yet read the full thread.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss, I too have lost my father, although his dead was 40 years premature. It's a horrible thing to go through at anytime and I really do sympathise.

In regards to your DH and his children though, I'm sorry, but you need to get a grip. You sound very self centred and self involved and frankly, not very nice.

Having a weekend alone with DH immediately after your father's death was fine and to be expected. To then extend this to at least AFTER father's day? What?! Why would you even want to stop your husband seeing his children? Why would you prevent him seeing them on fathers day? I'm just baffled. Frankly, I can't understand why he hasn't told you to fuck off of you've voiced this to him already.

Think about this op. In the long run you could well end up causing irreparable damage to your marriage here. I know it sounds awful but, if my partner wanted me to stop seeing my children for an undisclosed period of time, I'd be out of the door. Kids first. You second. They predate you, they're children and you absolutely are incredibly unreasonable to suggest stopping them seeing their father.

justjessie · 07/06/2020 15:07

Wow. Just wow.
Each additional post from you is concerning. You should never have married this man.

I feel for the children, and the ex.
And I'm a step mum too so I'm not blinkered.

FatalSecrets · 07/06/2020 15:07

Very gently OP but you’re being unreasonable.

You asked for a change to the schedule and all parties agreed (quite rightly). Now the children have to get some sort of normality back, you can’t expect them not to see their father for a long period.

Im sorry for your loss Flowers

LadyFeliciaMontague · 07/06/2020 15:07

It's my house and I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I know I asked for that when I married him but its different at times like this surely

No, you really can’t pick and choose when the man you married gets to engage with his children.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me

I really hope that it’s just the grief making you feel that way and you don’t usually get so upset by him spending time with his children rather than you.

Do speak to the GP, they can signpost you to bereavement counselling services in your area. Sorry for your loss Flowers

hopingtobedally · 07/06/2020 15:08

You married him knowing he had children and that they are more important and should always take priority to any new relationship. If not you shouldn't have married him. They are young children and need a relationship with their father. It's awful you are grieving and I sympathise but you are not the important one here you are an adult and need to behave like one

Newchapter2020 · 07/06/2020 15:10

Yabu. The children need and want to spend time with their dad.

schoolsoutforcovid · 07/06/2020 15:10

"If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me."

Well this is one way to push your husband away. His kids will always come first (or should). You not prioritising them and devaluing his role as a parent by calling him the babysitter will be very off-putting.