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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

312 replies

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 13:49

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

OP posts:

Destroyedpeople · 07/06/2020 14:31

What you mean that not only do you not want them visiting but you don't want their dad to go and spend time with them elsewhere either?

Op I know you are grieving but....a psychologist would have a field day with this one...

lockdownalli · 07/06/2020 14:31

It's my house and I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I know I asked for that when I married him but its different at times like this surely.

Oh dear. It looks like this is the tip of the iceberg then. It's YOUR house? Not DH home?

I can understand you want some time alone to grieve but don't drag your DH and his DC into it. He should be able to see them still, either taking them out somewhere or seeing them at their home. I don't think it is fair you say he can't see them at your home and can't see them at their home either.

NuffSaidSam · 07/06/2020 14:31

'I just want to be alone with him.'

OP I mean this in the kindest possibly way, but....tough shit. You can't. You married a man with two small children. It can't, in this circumstance or any other, be just the two of you 24/7 for a month. It can't.

They can come to you. Or he can go to them. But you cannot ban him from seeing them for a month.

lunar1 · 07/06/2020 14:32

You are preventing any kind of contact between the children and their dad. I know you are grieving but there is every chance you could cause irreparable damage to your marriage, empathy for your grief will have its limits.

He can't have them at your house, he isn't allowed to go to their mums, he can't take them anywhere, all you will allow it for them to text him.

HotDogGuy · 07/06/2020 14:33

Having lost my dad I understand that you’re grieving but it’s really not fair to top your husband seeing his children (or them seeing him). You say it’s your house it’s his and his children should be welcome there.
You say they’ll be welcome after Father’s Day but what if you still feel the same. How long are you going to ask him not to have his children over?

C0RA · 07/06/2020 14:33

I agree, YABU.

And it’s not your house alone now, it’s your joint home with your husband and these are his children. It’s their home too.

I think you have bigger issues about your husband and his children and this bereavement has brought it to the fore. Perhaps it would help to talk to a counsellor about it.

Windyatthebeach · 07/06/2020 14:34

They don't visit op. It's their second home.

Original poster

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 14:34

I think if it were my children it would be different yes but I dont have them so I dont know.

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

Reading your responses I think I understand better how they feel. I was really jealous as a child when my dad remarried.

I dont mean to be nasty im just so sad and need the space to me

OP posts:

ArriettyJones · 07/06/2020 14:34

Don’t you think the best tribute you could pay your father is to support the importance of father-child relationships?

turnthebiglightoff · 07/06/2020 14:35

I'm sorry for your loss OP but if you stop your DH seeing his children on Fathers Day he will resent you for it in the long term, as will they, quite rightly. It is a pull your socks up thing I'm afraid. Is there anywhere else you can go that weekend? I get that you want to be alone with him but that is his weekend to spend with his kids; don't take that away from him and them.

Chewbecca · 07/06/2020 14:35

Sorry for your loss. You are not being unreasonable in any way to feel like this but you can't act on those feelings.
I'm sorry but you have to let the kids come and see their Dad. You don't have to play happy step mum or anything, go out, hide away, sit on the sofa all day, do whatever you need to but let your DH spend the 'short' time with his DC and then he'll be all yours again.

Choice4567 · 07/06/2020 14:36

But you know really that’s not why he’s having them. He’s not doing it because his ex wants a day off- he’s doing it because their his children and he wants to spend time with them

ArriettyJones · 07/06/2020 14:36

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me.

That is really disturbed thinking. So are some of the other things you’ve said.

You should probably seek professional support if you intend to remain married to a father.

Original poster

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven · 07/06/2020 14:36

Thank you I do appreciate you're responses even if they hurt. I will look at counselling I think. I think it is bringing up all sorts of issues. I didnt really ever want children and they are great but it's hard when you dont love them like a mother would at times like this. I do care for them a lot and enjoy seeing them usually.

OP posts:

Joiningthegossip · 07/06/2020 14:37

OP you sound like your being quite selfish wanting your DH to yourself - have you thought maybe he wants to see his children?

It's very sad what your going through but you do have your DH to yourself all the time, so I'm sure you can put a brave face on for a day and let his DC over.

lunar1 · 07/06/2020 14:38

He isn't helping the children's mum, he's being a dad.

Pebblexox · 07/06/2020 14:38

Yabu.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and there's no time limit on how long it should take you to grieve. However that shouldn't impact on your dh relationship with his children, they also need their father.

Oxyiz · 07/06/2020 14:38

It definitely sounds like you need some help.

This time round, at least let him go and see them. That way you can get a break and they can see their dad.

HotDogGuy · 07/06/2020 14:39

I’m sorry I know you’re grieving but your last update makes you sound like you don’t like that he has children already.
He has a responsibility to them above everything else in my opinion even you. He has put you first by not seeing them but it’s not on the ask him to continue to do that.

Coffeeandroses · 07/06/2020 14:39

It’s understandable that you want some time to grieve and having one weekend without the children after your Father has just passed , that seems reasonable enough but at the same time you’ve got to consider that while your step Children’s father is still alive they have a right to see and spend time with their Dad the next weekend and as a Dad your partner also needs to do his part in being a Dad to his own children too , I’m really sorry for your loss OP but I do think you a being a-bit unreasonable if the children don’t see their dad the next weekend or longer.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/06/2020 14:39

I'm sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. I've walked this mile myself (lost my mum) but couldn't just decide not to look after my kids because of it. I think it's unfair to expect the children not to see their father because you have lost yours. Life does go on I'm afraid. That said, I am sorry for your painful loss.

Ritascornershop · 07/06/2020 14:39

Sorry for your loss, but yabu. My mum died when I was a single parent of kids 8 & 12, I had zero support, had to clear her things from the care home, write the obit, etc etc and just ... got on with it. You should not try to ban them from the house, it’s selfish and indulgent.

C0RA · 07/06/2020 14:40

If I'm honest it makes me feel like he's choosing to help out his ex wife by having them for her so she can have a day off, over me

How is he helping out his ex ? It’s nothing to do with helping her - he’s parenting his own children!

And not very well by the sounds of it, if he only has then one day a week. Most dads have their kids one night a week and EOW.

Seirously, you do need to speak to someone about this. You sound very mixed about things.

Ullupullu · 07/06/2020 14:40

You are not in competition with the children! Their needs take priority overall, and they've already missed one measly weekend so let them visit like they ought to. You can go out or stay in bed all weekend perhaps. It's not even very long!

wizzbangfizz · 07/06/2020 14:42

I don't mean to be mean but he isn't "helping out the mum" he is being a parent - they are the 2 parents joint responsibility and must be his number 1 priority. Really sorry for your loss

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