No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

For toddlers and pre-schoolers maybe, but not 9 and 11 year olds!

I think if they’ve never been in a good routine because their mum and dad didn’t insist on one when they were younger AND now their mum has abandoned them, then some form of attention seeking due to insecurity is ‘normal’.

@Puds11 I agree, but we just don’t have any option.
I have 4 bedrooms plus a dining room that’s being used as a bedroom for the younger children.

My partner theoretically would like to have his son full time, he just accepts that he lives with his mum primarily instead. I, personally, wouldn't want him to live with us full time, but I'm not his parent so it's not unnatural that I should feel that way.

You’re not their mum so I understand that. But you know one day it’s a possibility because you chose to be with someone who had children. Its sad for the children if they are in the way and they’ll pick up on this. Personally I’d love a partner more if he wanted his kids full time.

Your son doesn't want them. You don't really want them. Their Mum doesn't want them. I would say you are angry with her for dumping her mess in your doorstep.
At night time their insecurities will arise, they are not really wanting water etc they are wanting attention, connection and inclusion. They see their Dad with you and that's hard to get their heads around.
I am glad they are seeing a counsellor. I get you are pissed off. This isn't what you signed up for. However the lives of 3 kids are at stake here. You either have to embrace these children as your own, or boot them and their Dad out so he can create a secure home for them.

Try splitting the younger 2 up at bedtime, one them goes to bed elsewhere- your bed, in one of the other DS' room and then when asleep you carry/walk them back to their proper bed.

I suspect they are keeping each other awake.

Also audio books and occasional checking in on them voluntarily. Rewarding with positive attention.

OP, you sound like nice people, and it's a good thing you're doing for these kids. Sounds like you've already made good changes in their routine. It sounds so hard, having your happy relationship as you knew it go out of the window. But it's relatively early days. And maybe the young ones are just going to need reassuring a couple of hundred times more that dad will be there for them when they want that loo break, glass of water or whatever. Let's hope that one day you'll look back and say, wow that was a bugger, but we got through it.

RTFT. Op did explain. The mother moved abroad, DC didn't want to go sadly for the OP
I got that, it's the detail OP hadn't shared which I think are key to what is happening. Big difference if mum moved to follow her long term partner who is in the forces, and it was discussed for months and agreed all around that it would be better for the kids to stay with their dad and OP, as opposed to mum meeting someone on the internet and deciding to move to Turkey within a week to be with.

It isn't normal for a 9 and 11yo to cause problem at bed time but it isn't normal to have been made used to be up until midnight with free use of a screen nor to have to adjust to a new set of rules in anew house without your mum who you probably miss desperately.

Your annoyance is justified but you are letting it take over and making it a more important issue than the fact that their kids are still struggling to adjust to a massive life changing event.

Re bedtime - this might sound ridiculous as they aren't babies - if they're used to noise to fall asleep, try white noise?! My middle child is 9, has ADHD and was a nightmare at bedtime, up down up down up down, until I tried white noise.

Your DH took your child on from the start and now you begrudge doing the same for his?

They are just children, they have lost their mum, had to move home and now live with a step parent and step brother who don’t want them there. The comments about them not being your family or not your spouse to parent say a lot imo.

I don’t get why the other parent stays in situations like this where the children should be priority.

But you know one day it’s a possibility because you chose to be with someone who had children

Knowing it's a possibility and actively wanting it to happen are two different things.

I'd struggle if my step kids moved in full time tomorrow and no I wouldn't want it personally, it would be a big change. I'd deal and get on with it though.

Knowing it's a possibility and actively wanting it to happen are two different things.

I'd struggle if my step kids moved in full time tomorrow and no I wouldn't want it personally, it would be a big change. I'd deal and get on with it though.

Exactly you’d tolerate it and try to get on with it. But it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily what you want though. There are many things we have to put up with in life, such as going to work. Doesn’t mean we’re excited about it

Exactly you’d tolerate it and try to get on with it

Honestly, and I’ve discussed this with my DP openly, if for some reason he had to take on his DCs full time then we would sell our home and buy 2 separate houses until they were grown up. We would stay together but I couldn’t take on the responsibility for 2 other DCs full time.
DP works away or long hours so if we lived together I would have to either take on 99% of the caring duties or he’d have to quit his job and I’d have to up my hours at work to fund him being able to care for them which would mean my kids would lose out.
I’m not willing to do it and I’ve been honest about that from the start.

These are things you need to discuss before moving in, and saying “you’re with a man with children so you know you may have to have the full time” isn’t necessarily true.

These are things you need to discuss before moving in, and saying “you’re with a man with children so you know you may have to have the full time” isn’t necessarily true.

I already said ‘or OP has the choice to leave’.

I don't think the issue is you not wanting to parent them. You raised your son and totally get that you wouldn't want to do that again and that's fine because indeed they are not your children. They gave a father whose accepted to take them on whose responsibility it is to parent them. Of course you can help but that's not sharing.

The problem is your resentment of his parenting them and missing the partner who didn't have these responsibilities. That you can't do anything about. He is and always was a patent and he owes his kids to be do. Sadly it means not having the sane exclusive relationship you had together for some time. In means that in the evenings, whilst he parents them, you are free to do what you want for yourself.

It won't be forever, but it will be for a bit longer until they are settled and he can take a but of a step back. Remember that he probably misses your easy cosy evenings too, but he has a duty and he is stepping up to it.

Honestly, and I’ve discussed this with my DP openly, if for some reason he had to take on his DCs full time then we would sell our home and buy 2 separate houses until they were grown up. We would stay together but I couldn’t take on the responsibility for 2 other DCs full time.
DP works away or long hours so if we lived together I would have to either take on 99% of the caring duties or he’d have to quit his job and I’d have to up my hours at work to fund him being able to care for them which would mean my kids would lose out.
I’m not willing to do it and I’ve been honest about that from the start.*

I really don’t blame you. All SMs know that there is a possibility of their husband’s children moving in full time, but they are well within their rights not to be a part of it if it ever does happen. Your plan sounds like a good one and you’ve been clear from the start so he couldn’t exactly pull his face.

Exactly you’d tolerate it and try to get on with it. But it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily what you want though. There are many things we have to put up with in life, such as going to work. Doesn’t mean we’re excited about it

Tolerate it? Put up with? If I was with a partner who felt like this about my children, well I wouldn’t be with them. Poor kids. And I’m not sure what the grinning face was about at the end of your post.

I have a friend who has 3 kids with her ex husband. They are both in new relationships now. My friend won’t live with her new partner because she feels that her children shouldn’t have to accept a step dad and she doesn't want her new partner to ever resent her kids. Her husband met someone very soon after they split and moved her in after just a year together. The kids really struggled, his girlfriend is nice to them generally and my friend says she seems nice but the 2 older kids say that they get told to go to their room from 9pm as their dad and girlfriend need ‘their time’. The oldest one now chooses to only visit in the day and goes home after dinner as he says he doesn’t feel welcome. The middle child is now considering doing the same. Their dad is a nice bloke, a decent dad on the whole but his relationship with his kids is suffering because his girlfriend demands his complete attention after 9pm. He apparently did suggest that she moves out and only stays at his house when the kids are not there but she won’t consider it. It’s a shame because he was as close to his kids as my friend was but he’s slowly losing them. It’s the kids that are really suffering though. The eldest child’s behaviour really went downhill until he finally admitted that he didn’t feel welcome at his dads house. Parents really need to think how their kids feel in all of this.

The kids really struggled, his girlfriend is nice to them generally and my friend says she seems nice but the 2 older kids say that they get told to go to their room from 9pm as their dad and girlfriend need ‘their time’. The oldest one now chooses to only visit in the day and goes home after dinner as he says he doesn’t feel welcome.
What ages are these kids @EveryLifeHasASoundtrack? Genuinely curious as depending on ages being asked to go to bed at 9 is not unreasonable & wouldn't be seen so in an intact family. If they are older teens then no it's not appropriate but for younger kids it is & I personally would not encourage my kids to not stay at their dads if they were objecting to an (appropriate) bedtime.

My DHs ex wouldn't be want to suddenly have the kids full time if we were to stop our 50/50 arrangement. Just like everyone, us included, she enjoys her free time to see her friends, have time with her partner. Most people wouldn't be absolutely buzzing about suddenly having no free time, parents included. Does that mean you wouldn't get on with it and do your best if it happened? No. I would absolutely get on and do my best for the kids. But pretending like step parents should be overjoyed at the prospect of having their step kids full time all of a sudden is just a ridiculous expectation imo when most parents would struggle to go from having some free time to not at all, as well.

But obviously for some reason the expectation placed in step parents seem to be higher than actual parents yet again for some reason.

Single parents have a rant and moan on here all the time about having no time for themselves because the child's other parent has fucked off and doesn't see them. And I don't care whether mum has followed her military boyfriend or gone to turkey with someone she met a week ago, neither is acceptable to just up and leave your children imo.

I don't see anyone having a go at them because why aren't they absolutely over the moon at having their children there all the time?

Magda72

The kids are now 15, 13 and 9. The oldest was 13 almost 14 when he wanted to stay downstairs past 9pm with his dad on Friday and Saturday nights so no school the next day. 9pm is very early to be sent to their room at weekends for any child older than 11/12 I think. And on the Friday night the kids sometimes didn’t get to their dads til 7pm after doing sports clubs.

Their dad is a nice bloke, a decent dad on the whole but his relationship with his kids is suffering because his girlfriend demands his complete attention after 9pm. He apparently did suggest that she moves out and only stays at his house when the kids are not there but she won’t consider it

Ah yes it's all her fault obviously. Let's excuse the poor little man, not like he's the actual parent who should be putting them first in this situation or anything. Obviously he's a wonderful dad who's just under the spell if a wicked woman.

Get a grip. He is the one who should be making changes if his relationship with his kids is being affected not just shrugging his shoulders because he asked her to consider moving out and she wouldn't.

Only when it comes to step mothers is it apparently acceptable to use a woman to excuse a man's behaviour.

Tolerate it? Put up with? If I was with a partner who felt like this about my children, well I wouldn't be with them

Honestly, you sound like a broken record now. Earlier you said you could understand why I wouldn't personally be excited to live with my step son as I am not his parent, and yet now you take issue with this?

Yes, shockingly, living with children who are not your own is something you have to tolerate, especially when A) you are used to and got together with your partner when there was a different arrangement that wasn't full time and that was what you agreed to, or B) the children have specific challenging behaviours that are making your life miserable, but considered too sacred for your opinion on the subject to be considered, as is proved by the comments on this thread. Both are true in OPs case.

I honestly cannot fathom why anyone should find it in the slightest bit surprising that their partner might not be as excited to live with their kids full time and make open ended sacrifices to their lifestyle for them, as they are. So many seem to be so blinded by their own emotional biases towards their children that they can't see what to any objective person would be the obvious, non offensive truth - nobody feels the same way about your kids as you do. That shouldn't be shocking or outrageous.

GobbleGob

But parents who stay together have their kids all the time. They don’t get 50% of their time without their kids. Most have some family or get a babysitter if they want a night out or whatever but they certainly don’t get 50% of their time without kids. I’d be gutted if I only got my kids for half the time, as would their dad.

THIS: I don’t WANT to parent them

Says it all. You have to parent them, like it or not. They are under your roof and you are their step mum. Can you and your husband sit down and set boundaries and enforce them. You need to be on the same page and United.

I've been there. The first year is the hardest as everyone is adjusting to a new routine.