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Step-parenting

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Original poster

No time together after SC moved in.

232 replies

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 13:49

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

OP posts:
GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 12:51

Yes but we aren't talking about together parents are we? Both parents feel the same way about their kids, to both of them they are their world. You can't expect someone else to feel exactly the same as you and their other parent does.

We're talking about separated parents who have had another arrangement for a long time which has now suddenly changed. We've had 50/50 for a long time. So yes if we just stopped seeing the kids tomorrow, their mum would not be absolutely thrilled because heaven forbid, she does actually enjoy her time without them. It's not a crime to enjoy time without your kids, especially when that's what you are used to.

funinthesun19 · 01/05/2020 12:51

Tolerate it? Put up with? If I was with a partner who felt like this about my children, well I wouldn’t be with them. Poor kids. And I’m not sure what the grinning face was about at the end of your post.

Well yes, that’s exactly how it would feel to some people. They’d just get on with it because they have to whether they’re happy about it or not.

FWIW, I don’t want a live in partner either. Because I know it’s not easy being a stepparent and therefore I wouldn’t even bother trying to go down that road trying to make a man love my children and make him put the effort in to their lives the way I do.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 12:52

And it is certainly not a crime for step parents to enjoy their step child free time with their partner. I wouldn't choose to give that up if I had the option as much as I love his kids, I also enjoy our time just us. Shoot me.

JKScot4 · 01/05/2020 12:54

I hate the MN put the boot into step mums gang.
All the smug marrieds have a think that one day you could be a step parent and I doubt many of you would love, adore and serve these other kids given yours are your world!
Being a step parent is incredibly hard, you can’t do right for wrong and no you won’t love them the way you do your own and that’s a truth.
OP, your DH needs to get tougher on them, they sound awful, if the ages weren’t there I’d have guessed 5 at the most.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 12:56

I think some people struggle accepting that their kids may not be the centre of the universe to everyone else.

Not in any way saying that step parents should get in the way of a parent parenting or their relationship with their kids. But to expect step parents to be thrilled about having no time without them there is just stupid. Lots of people enjoy time without their kids, parents or not.

Magda72 · 01/05/2020 12:57

@EveryLifeHasASoundtrack - yeah 15 & 13 a bit old for that!

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 01/05/2020 12:59

aSofaNearYou

Don’t live with someone with kids then. A man with kids can’t devote as much time to you as some women like OP seem to need. You’ll always be lower on the priority list than the children when they are having a tough time, or at least you should be. You can’t expect to have a partner all to yourself and for the kids to just disappear when you want them to. They won’t just fit in with your schedule and when the kids are unsettled for obvious reasons I think it’s selfish to be thinking ‘but I need my partners attention.’

Anyway, the threads going around in circles. I feel sorry for the kids in these situations not some adult who isn’t getting the attention they ‘need’. I’ll leave it there as I certainly won’t be changing my opinion and I’m sure you won’t either.

funinthesun19 · 01/05/2020 13:00

And I’m not sure what the grinning face was about at the end of your post.

Was just saying lots of us don’t like going to work but we have to.

Simlarly, lots of people wouldn’t like looking after their stepchildren for the 10th day in a row because they now live with them full time and the parent works long hours or works away. Was just comparing the two...

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:01

I don't really see what is so awful about asking children to play in their rooms after a certain time either? I did it when I live with my 'together parents' so they could watch a movie or a programme or whatever.

Our kids spend all day with us downstairs, going for walks, watching kid films, playing Xbox on the living room TV etc... I'm not going to feel awful for asking them to play in their room from X time at night. Not everyone has to be a martyr to their kids. Maybe I just don't want to watch kids TV or fortnite after 9pm? It's my house too. They are perfectly fine watching YouTube in their rooms for a while, I really don't need to be glued to them all day.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:04

But obviously if you don't let your kids have free run of the house whilst you sit watching them to whatever they want from 7am to 10pm, you are a disgraceful parent.

When did people get so soft?

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 01/05/2020 13:04

So yes if we just stopped seeing the kids tomorrow, their mum would not be absolutely thrilled because heaven forbid, she does actually enjoy her time without them. It's not a crime to enjoy time without your kids, especially when that's what you are used to.

I enjoy time without my kids. I wouldn’t enjoy 50% of my time without my kids though. I’d really struggle with that if my partner and I ever split up.

sauvignonblancplz · 01/05/2020 13:04

I have kids roughly the same age as your SC - and the constant screen time negotiations are a massive pain in the ass.

I’m sure you’re very frustrated , definitely speak to your husband and sort out a plan to tackle the poor behaviour at bedtime . You need time to yourselves and that’s the focus. You’ve taken on a big task here & you have a right to moan. Flowers

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:06

I wouldn’t enjoy 50% of my time without my kids though. I’d really struggle with that if my partner and I ever split up

50% is just my situation, you don't have to take it so literally.

I'll put it another way, say we had our step kids EOW and then suddenly stopped. Their mum isn't going to be overjoyed at losing that time to herself like you seem to expect step parents to be?

If it's okay for parents to enjoy time alone why is it not for step parents?

As I said, single parents rant about this all the time. But that's okay and this isn't...

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:08

And no one is going to be thrilled about an arrangement you have gotten used to being suddenly upheaved and your life changing so drastically. Parents might get used to it quicker because they are your kids, but you seem to be expecting step parents to feel exactly the same way as parents do which is a load of rubbish.

I don't feel the same way about my step kids as my own kids. I just don't. I like my step kids and I get on with and treat them well. But I don't feel the exact same, I feel much more intensely about my own. Same with parents and step parents towards DSC in most cases I imagine.

funinthesun19 · 01/05/2020 13:12

I don't feel the same way about my step kids as my own kids. I just don't. I like my step kids and I get on with and treat them well. But I don't feel the exact same, I feel much more intensely about my own. Same with parents and step parents towards DSC in most cases I imagine.

I think that’s completely normal.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 01/05/2020 13:12

If it's okay for parents to enjoy time alone why is it not for step parents?

Of course it’s ok. Get a babysitter and go out. But day to day you won’t get masses of time when the children aren’t around if one of you has kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:12

My DSC annoy me quicker than my kids do, I see the flaws in my step kids more easily than my own, I'd find them harder to live with than my own etc...

I'm not awful for that. It's the way everyone sees their kids. I'm sure someone who wasn't my kids parent would feel exactly the same about mine, I'm not under some illusion that other people feel the same about my kids as I do.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:15

Right but you seem to be saying in your posts that step parents should be nothing but happy and overjoyed at the prospect of their step kids suddenly coming to live with them full time when they've had a different arrangement that allows for free time previously and sorry but you're deluded if you think the majority of step parents would feel this way. That's just not the way it is.

Accepting it could happen and dealing with it is one thing. Actively wanting it to happen and being super happy about it is another and is a much too high expectation to place on someone who isn't your child's parent imo.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 01/05/2020 13:22

I’m just saying that I think all kids deserve not to feel in the way in their own home. I think it’s common for step parents to resent their partners kids unfortunately and the kids pick up on it. I understand it’s very difficult for step parents but they’re adults, my sympathies will always be with the children who have no power in these situations.

Anyway, it really is just going around in circles. I have my views, you have yours.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:23

You have to parent them, like it or not

Well no. She doesn't have to do anything. But I agree it would make life a lot easier if she was able to get involved in parenting and enforce her own rules.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:25

I've never and would never make my step kids feel like they were in the way. And if they came to live with us full time, as much as I wouldn't choose it personally, I would treat them no differently than I do now. Doesn't mean I can't privately feel sad for the missed time I used to have or that I have to be internally jumping for joy at the prospect.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:25

And I don't count asking them to play upstairs at 9pm as making them feel in the way either. Surely it's just teaching them to share the house with the other people who live in it?

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:29

And I think a lot of the resentment comes from the expectations people place on SPs.

You can't be too involved but you have to parent them like it or not.

You're not their mum but you have to love them like your own.

How dare you think you have any say over what my kids do in your home but you better not enjoy any time without them either.

You can pay for my kids but if you think you're ever coming to see a school play, think again.

List goes on.

GobbleGob · 01/05/2020 13:31

You can go on one thread where everyone's shouting

YOU'RE NOT THEIR PARENT BACK OFF

And then go onto another two threads down where everyone is shouting

YOU HAVE TO PARENT THEM LIKE IT OR NOT.

JKScot4 · 01/05/2020 13:33

@EveryLifeHasASoundtrack
Expecting 9, 11 year olds to be upstairs for 9pm isn’t making them feel in the way, I’m sure millions of kids across the country are in bed by 9, why is it only step kids that are allowed to dominate everything?
No they didn’t choose it but that’s life, we all adapt to change, these kids sound like they’ve never had boundaries or routines.

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