Kids at their dads

[Mum2Girls19]

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this..

I have 3 children with my ex partner, his relationship has always been a bit temperamental and getting him to have them without COVID was hard enough
Now I just feel that its an excuse not to have them?

I suggested they spend a month with us and then perhaps a month with them, its hard both me and my husband are working from home full time and also got the girls
He hasnt rung to see how they are or text or made any attempt to see them

Now I get that we should be walking round outside and about mixing families but his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them a few weeks and then with us.

I havent got an offer to furlong and so still have to work.
Plus we dont know how long this will go on for, I dont understand why its our sole responsibility to have the children
What can I suggest as an option to help all of us?

Any suggestions would be welcome

Shame on her for telling him he can't see his kids for a year, but even bigger shame on him for not stepping up and wanting to see his kids.

He is an utter waste of space....I don't know where these men and women come from.

Are you in touch with the paternal grandparents or ex sister inlaws maybe?

I feel that if someone comes from a decent family, they would talk sense into him....but if not you have no chance.

The problem is he's been so slack that you have to go through the CSA...so chances of him doing the right thing are slim to none.

I feel sorry for your children...it's kids like them who end up with issues, because if dead beat dads.

I'm sorry but when you get with someone who has three current children you cant just say sorry no they arent my responsibility they are the responsibility if your in that family, you cant just pick and choose sorry but thats my opinion
She cant just use my family when she wants and then not want them

She rang last night to basically have a go on my exs phone..which is why I answered it in the first place
Her words...They werent giving me money each month so i could spend it it whatever I wanted....she doesnt know me or what I spent money on..
I said to her that this isnt a conversation I want to have with her and my ex needs to pay for his kids.
She said that all their money goes into the joint account and she is not "letting" him pay me.
She says my kids are greedy and selfish and might I add she kept on saying MY

I asked her to put my ex on and she refused and said they were happy and I needed to stop bothering them and then she hung up

I have no idea what to do now...
I dont bother them at all
I just asked him in March if he could have his kids during this time as I was still working and could he pay
I have such a headache today...

Don't engage with his partner. Your kids have nothing to do with her. She doesn't need to be looking after them but at the same time he should be. When she is on his phone just hang up. He sounds like a weak man. I can't understand why you would want your children to be with these people though.

Stop trying to talk to his partner.
All you posts are about his partner not about the dad.
More and more you are making an impression that all this is only to find another way to wind up your ex's current partner. You seems to be on a mission to have a war with her and trying to paint a picture of her as a pure evil. And her only crime is that she does't parent your children. She doesn't have to. Deal with your ex if you need something from him.
All those stories about her saying that she won't let him to pay doesn't sound believable, because if you went CSA then its not optional, its compulsory. I have feeling that you have been asking for extra money and there where this comment of you being greedy came from.
If you have problem with payments, go through official rote and stop harassing HER with your calls and emails.

all these posts arent about her its about him not being there for his kids..
I havent tried to call her...she called me, she called me in February saying that she would have the kids, she then called last night and the time before from his mobile because she knew i would pick up.

Like ive said before she doesnt like the fact he has kids with me and wants to do anything she can to make my life hard

I've spent the last 4 years dealing with the CMS an arrangement is set up then he fails to pay it, we have been to the point of attachment of earnings 3 times but then he cannot provide additional evidence.
His current partner rang CMS with him there last year at the point of annual review to say that she didnt believe the children were his
All this got allowed
I had to go to court for an DNA test, proving all 3 children were his and pay for it
The court informed me that I couldnt arrange an parental order as I had already started CMS proceedings.

I dont think anything about this is compulsory do you?
I havent asked for a penny for the last 7 years since we broke up

All I want is for him to see his kids, not for my sake or for his sake but for their sake, they ask about him all the time and cannot understand why they and i say they because they both call....and speak to them.
I text him this morning and said I would go back to CMS
She text back and said I cannot force him to see or pay for the kids and he wont be
Thats the exact response i got back from his phone

I rang CMS our annual review is in may so anything outstanding will be added and arranged to pay at the review date.
They said that they will try to obtain contact with him in the mean time.

So I am yet again without support from him for my kids and he fails to see them.

An awful lot to pick apart in those new updates and none of it good OP. You seem convinced she's the driving force behind all this and in all honesty I think you probably underestimate how much your attitude towards her "responsibility" will have caused that. Your updates don't paint her in a good light at all, but there will be a back story we're not aware of including when they got together and how things were in the early days to lead to this, how you behaved towards her, how the kids behaved towards her, how your ex behaved towards her regarding his kids. She's clearly gone nuclear but in all honesty if my partner's ex thought me being there meant I was responsible for any childcare etc for their kids, I would probably reach the end of my tether quite quickly too.

If she's genuinely behaving the way you say she is then it sounds like it's probably a bit late for reconciliation, but it might be a useful lesson to take forward that your and your exes kids absolutely aren't her responsibility and she IS perfectly entitled to pick and choose how involved she wants to be with them. All being in a relationship with someone with kids should mean is that you have a responsibility not to go into it intending to stand in the way of THEIR relationship with the kids. No more. She could perfectly reasonably do absolutely nothing for them if that's the level of involvement she wants. If my partner or my partners ex tried to tell me they "expected" (as you did about your partner, who I also feel very sorry for in this situation) me to do anything for their kid, let alone a whole month of childcare whilst my partner was out at work, I would be absolutely done with the situation. Anything she does should be considered a favour, not an expectation.

I would be very surprised if all of this wasn't the reason his partner is so antagonistic. You're not helping yourself by still, even on this thread, making it anything to do with her and her responsibilities. Your ex doesn't see his kids because the situation makes his partner angry and he doesn't care enough to fix the situation. That surely makes him a dreadful person to have in their life. It must be sad seeing them upset by it, but the more you push it the more drawn out that disappointment will be.

Hi @aSofaNearYou

Thankyou for coming back to me I have read your thoughts,

Them getting together happened within days of him seperating from me, since then I think its always been a game with her then.
She wanted to know the children from the offset, asked my daughter to call her mum within the second week, like i said previously, asked my 11 yr old to babysit her 3 yr old.
Then the games uped she said to my ex partner that he wasnt the dad? And then we ended up in court because for some silly reason he believed her..

I think shes a little crazy tbh and im tired of the games.
I text him this afternoon and said "Hi, I've text because everytime I call, your girfriend answers. I wanted to discuss with you our childrens needs as you know this is a unexpected time and we need some support, can you call or text me so we can discuss"

And thats it.

That sounds like a good text. Try to keep her out of it.

Did you really call, CMS as they are only speaking to people that have lost their jobs or death of an adult or child, I know this as I had to call them all they do is direct you to their self serve portal and leave a message. You also say that you have not asked for a penny in the 7 years you have split up again this seems to be incorrect as you have a CMS case open.
All this is about the support you need, and having your children for a month is completely wrong, not only for your children but also their fathers new partner. I have no idea why its now that you are pushing for contact its seems like you just want a baby sitting service.

I contact CMS through the portal then they called me direct and I discussed my case as normal
I started CMS 4 years ago after not recieving anything and yet still havent
Hes always got an excuse and gets past them.
I even tried to go direct pay to see if cutting their fees would help but he refused to pay anything.
If you read above before judging me I've tried for contact for years but I just end up with odd times and thats no good for anyone
Why are my children just my priority during this time?
I cant work full time and watch them full time for months at a time
He is a dad n should act like one

She is not a new partner theyve been together for 7 years and I asked for a month to give stability and less movement.
If I can have them for months at a time why cant he?

Because they are not a priority for him and he doesn't want to have them at his house for a month at a time. No-one is saying that's right or fair, or anything like that, and he sounds like a terrible dad if everything you've said is true. But you can't make him have them, and if you did manage to get him to reluctantly agree, it's going to be horrible for them to have to spend time somewhere they are, for whatever reason, not really wanted.

It doesn't really sound like you are thinking of your children and what is best for them I'm sorry to say, it's all about how you can get him to have them so you can have a break. You need to start thinking about it differently and deal with the dad your children actually have, not try and force him into being dad of the year; it won't happen and the more you keep on and on at him the worse the reaction and the fallout will be.

And leave his partner out of it, your children are not her responsibility whether you think so or not. I'm a SM and if I had to deal with you I"d be pretty pissed off too, you don't seem to understand that her choosing to be with your ex does not mean she has to babysit to give you a break when it sounds like your ex doesn't even want the children there. Which is exactly what she would have to do if they were there for a month as your ex goes out to work.

I honestly dont think it's fair that he gets to pick and choose....we had children together they're not my solo responsibility

He called last night and said that he wants to see the kids, I said well you need to show it, something needs to be put in place that you can stick to.
He said he was off for may half term so he would have them then but she want happy about it, I said I didnt really care he needed to see his kids and make them more of a priority.
He also had the call off CMS yesterday and he was discussing payment but his girlfriend had been furloughed...I said that wasnt my problem and if he didnt make this months payment I'd have no choice to go forward with the earnings attachment which was a heavy amount due to the amount of arrears he has.
He said he was sorry about all this and my response was my kids deserve better than you.

At the end of the day my kids and me and my partner
It just sucks that their dad has to be forced to do anything

It fells to you because you are the RP, crap I know but that is how it is.....
The children are not your ex partner new girlfriend responsibility and as she is at home is nothing to do with you, she is not your unpaid babysitter. You need to come to terms that it is down to you.
CMS wow I have been waiting 4 weeks for a call back and the say it takes 12 weeks to respond .

The poor kids. It really sounds like no-one can be bothered to parent them.

I honestly dont think it's fair that he gets to pick and choose....we had children together they're not my solo responsibility

No one is suggesting it's fair OP. It's not fair.

But what also isn't right is trying to pack your kids off to him for a month when he clearly doesn't want them there. Not for him, not for you, but for your children. How horrible for them to have to go somewhere they are so clearly unwanted for such a length of time. I imagine they'd hate it wouldn't they?

The poor kids. It really sounds like no-one can be bothered to parent them.

Wow that’s harsh on OP. She’s doing 99% of the parenting and providing for these kids and she’s just pissed that the sperm donor isn’t pulling his weight. Not seeing anything to suggest she just can’t be bothered with them

The op clearly says that the kids wanted contact.

You are not being at all unreasonable op, he, well both of them, sound like utter shits.

And I also think that when you become a family with someone who already has kids, you muck in and help.

she IS perfectly entitled to pick and choose how involved she wants to be with them

Erm....make a choice, yes. Then stick with it. You don’t get to pick the bits of involvement you want this week and then change it the next. Kids need consistency. Step parents have a responsibility not to add to any problems or cause problems, rather just remain a persistent presence that can be relied upon.

It's sad OP, but you can't make somebody be a responsible parent.

You can't force him to see his kids.

This is why it's shit for women, they don't get to choose.

I've always said don't ever have children on the basis your partner will always be there.
Make the decision to have children if you could realistically manage as a single parent. Because whatever happens the buck stops with you.

@Howaboutanewname Yes, stick with it, don't mess around with the kids feelings by acting hot and cold. But that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

My point was more that she is perfectly entitled to choose not to be involved, or not to be involved in any of the "hard" parts that come with parenting, or not to personally provide childcare when the children's parents aren't there. All perfectly reasonable.

@LizzieLoafer actually I know quite a few cases where it's the man who gets left with the kids and the woman couldn't care less about providing for them or seeing them.

Being asked by DSCs mum to have them extra to help out, when DH is here to look after them: reasonable request

Being told by DSCs mum that we have to have them for a month because she wants a break and so it's 'fair', when DH isn't that fussed on them being here, is working a lot of that time and we cannot source family help or other childcare right now for obvious reasons, and I already have 2 children to look after: not a chance

See the difference OP? I do wonder if the reason she is so vehement about it is because she knows all the hard graft will fall to her if they are there, given that your ex appears to be totally useless. It's really not her job.

Both of them really arent bothered and well if my partner said as much crap about my kids like she does I would be questioning whether or not I wanted them in my life...

My kids need stability constantly and they cant just pick the "good" bits they have to remain consistent regardless that's what parents and step parents do.

He hasnt responded since I spoke to him about CMS, it's fine that he decides no contact that's on his conscience not mine I give 110% for my kids constantly but hes going to pay even if he is forced I'm done with cutting him slack.

He hasnt responded since I spoke to him about CMS, it's fine that he decides no contact that's on his conscience not mine I give 110% for my kids constantly but hes going to pay even if he is forced I'm done with cutting him slack.

You are entitled to some financial support from him via the CMS. I just wouldn’t expect any more than that.