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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Kids at their dads

113 replies

Mum2Girls19 · 12/04/2020 14:20

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this..

I have 3 children with my ex partner, his relationship has always been a bit temperamental and getting him to have them without COVID was hard enough
Now I just feel that its an excuse not to have them?

I suggested they spend a month with us and then perhaps a month with them, its hard both me and my husband are working from home full time and also got the girls
He hasnt rung to see how they are or text or made any attempt to see them

Now I get that we should be walking round outside and about mixing families but his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them a few weeks and then with us.

I havent got an offer to furlong and so still have to work.
Plus we dont know how long this will go on for, I dont understand why its our sole responsibility to have the children
What can I suggest as an option to help all of us?

Any suggestions would be welcome

OP posts:
bigchris · 12/04/2020 14:22

I'd keep them with you , he's obviously not interested and neither is his partner

bigchris · 12/04/2020 14:22

Have they got any kids ?

SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 15:01

Well considering he gets pushed to have them, this can't surprise you surely.

Just keep your children with you and leave him. I also think given his history expecting him to have them for a month is unrealistic.

Maybe he can manage a week or two. Try and propose that.

Can I ask if the DC enjoy their time with him at all?

SoloMummy · 12/04/2020 15:57

Yes him having the children would make your life easier. But is that genuinely what is of utmost importance right now?
Surely reducing the risk of infection is paramount and moving between two homes increases this. So to me, be grateful you can protect them.

MeridianB · 12/04/2020 16:02

How old are the children? It doesn’t sound as if he is interested and hard as that is for you, it is likely to mean a really lousy month for your children, especially if they cannot take care of/entertain themselves.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2020 17:00

Well I wouldn't use his OH having time off as a reason he should be having them - it isn't their responsibility at all.

It's shit that he's a crap dad generally, by the sounds of it, but I agree with PP that it is a good (if tough) thing for them to be safe in the one household at the moment.

Greendayz · 12/04/2020 17:51

I agree that having a few weeks in one house then a few weeks in the other is much safer in terms of transmission than chopping and changing frequently. He absolutely should so his share, but I'm not sure how you force him if he says no

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 12/04/2020 18:01

I've asked several times if he would have them for less, like 1 week or 2 weeks but he says he cant as he is still working, I have stressed to say that I am still working too but that doesn't seem to matter?

He states all the time that he doesnt know what the best thing is to do but neither do I
I want what is best for the kids and I know thats with me, I just hoped that it would make it want to be more of a dad...this situation i mean...
Its just hard when we're struggling trying to work and manage childcare and they are not doing anything theyre end to help

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2020 18:28

It's not "their" responsibility OP, it's his

Greendayz · 12/04/2020 19:27

Could you persuade him to entertain them for a couple of hours a day via video chat, whilst you work?

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 13/04/2020 00:01

Tbh I do think its "their" responsibility she lives with my ex as much as my partner lives with me
I expect my partner to pick the kids up from school on days I dont and their dad forgets, I kind of expect them both to do the same.

Tbh I think she resents that we had kids together and he is happy to go along with what she says for an easier life...I get it but it's at the expense of my kids

No phone call today...easter

Its just so hard we have no one else to ask for support as my parents are self isolating.

OP posts:
Notcrackersyet · 13/04/2020 07:53

Not sure what this has to do with step-parenting. Sadly, it’s just a lack of parenting from their dad.

LittleMcJiggle · 13/04/2020 10:29

his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them

His OH and her work situation is irrelevant, it's not her responsibility to look after the children, it's yours and your exes.

However, I do completely understand the frustration that it seems to be all on you and that isn't fair.

Please focus this on your ex though, his partner is nothing to do with it. Because you expect your partner to parent your children as well, doesn't mean his has to.

Stantons · 13/04/2020 10:31

Absolutely not their responsibility at all op and if that's the approach you have taken I'm not surprised you haven't got anywhere

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2020 10:44

Yes, I could tell you thought that from your posts. You need to separate the two, it is kind of your partner to help with your kids but it isn't his responsibility, and if your exes partner doesn't want/offer to help look after them then it should not be expected of them. Especially at a time like this when looking after them entails more risk for the partner. It's a huge ask and not their responsibility at all.

I agree with you that your ex sounds like a shit dad, but you need to put "the partner should be helping because they're not working" out of your head and understand that they are not her children and it is nothing to do with her.

Anoisagusaris · 13/04/2020 10:48

But most families don’t have any other support. You just have to get on with it. And accept he doesn’t want to have them....you can’t change him. And would you really want to not see your kids for a month?

Candyfloss99 · 13/04/2020 10:53

It's not his partners responsibility or your partner's responsibility. Why are you trying to push your kids onto other people? Sounds like nobody wants them. Very sad.

Ohffs66 · 13/04/2020 11:25

If he is still working and his partner doesn't want to look after the children I'm not sure what you can do...it's not like they can source childcare or ask family to help right now so it sounds like it would be totally on her to mind the kids while he's at work. I'm not saying that's fair but his partner is perfectly within her rights not to want to look after them while she is furloughed.

Newjobnewlifenewrules · 13/04/2020 11:30

As a step mother who doesn't want to be responsible for my husband's kids, your attitude is all wrong. My husband's ex has a similar attitude to yours, she thinks I should look after her kids to make her life easier too. It isn't ever going to happen. Husband looks after the kids when they're with us, they're his responsibility not mine.

Songbird232018 · 13/04/2020 11:54

My situation will probably not help you but I do not take responsibility for my SC either, my partner works nights as a keyworker and during this lockdown we have been asked to have his 3 children for a couple of weeks at a time bit as hes still working he cant have them, I know I am WFH and I am here nights but that's too much for me to take on so we have said we cant. It's hard because the ex's new husband has taken on a parenting role alot more than I have (or wish too) so she sees it as everything he does I should do also.

I think really it depends person to person when step parenting on your levels of involvement, however your kids dads should be taking them on weekends or more when able! My partner has Booked a week off in may to take the kids but we just cant be as available as people assume we should be as a household

HillAreas · 13/04/2020 11:56

If she doesn’t have right to say what happens with the kids and when, go to parents night and schools plays, decide what doctors and dentists to register them at, discipline them, decide their diets and routines/activities, bring them up in any religion she chooses, have the children call her “mum” too, and maintain all those rights in the event she splits up with their father then no, she is not responsible in any way for your children.

If you would be happy for her to have all those rights then I apologise for assuming otherwise.

Other than that, your ex is a shit dad and it sounds like your kids are far better off with you and your DP anyway, hard as it must be when you’re working at the same time and not really getting a break.

MeridianB · 13/04/2020 12:10

Forget about the partner. If you force your husband to take them, will your children be miserable or neglected? What ages are they?

I agree he sounds useless but the choice seems to be you force this through or you don’t. What would benefit your children the most?

Starlight1243 · 13/04/2020 13:10

I agree with others and I say it as the mother in the situation. I wouldn't just expect ds sm to just have DS ,at the moment his DF is WFH and his DW is at home aswell. I think male step parents tend to have amore active role simply because they reside with the parent who has residency would likely be the same if the sexes were reversed.

noyoucannotcomein · 13/04/2020 14:47

What can I suggest as an option to help all of us?

Help who? You surely don't mean the ex's partner? She's quite happy as she is.

Expecting her to provide childcare for 3 kids for a week, let alone a month, is not reasonable.

And as for Tbh I think she resents that we had kids together and he is happy to go along with what she says for an easier life...

If I suspected you though this of me, then no I wouldn't be keen to help, just because of your expectations of your own partner.

Your ex is a loser, obviously. But that's nothing to do with anyone else.

bogoffmda · 13/04/2020 17:13

Welcome to the Stepmum forum.

You want your EX to have his kids in his house during lockdown - not unreasonable.
You stupidly made a comment that his partner had been furloughed and the SMs on here have jumped on those few words.

I read it as you wanted him to have his DCS - you made no mention of his partner looking after them or being an SM. You have now seen how caeful you need to word any reference to your DCS in relation tot the NRP and any parents.

You are not wrong in wanting him to parent his DCS aswell.

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