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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Kids at their dads

113 replies

Mum2Girls19 · 12/04/2020 14:20

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this..

I have 3 children with my ex partner, his relationship has always been a bit temperamental and getting him to have them without COVID was hard enough
Now I just feel that its an excuse not to have them?

I suggested they spend a month with us and then perhaps a month with them, its hard both me and my husband are working from home full time and also got the girls
He hasnt rung to see how they are or text or made any attempt to see them

Now I get that we should be walking round outside and about mixing families but his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them a few weeks and then with us.

I havent got an offer to furlong and so still have to work.
Plus we dont know how long this will go on for, I dont understand why its our sole responsibility to have the children
What can I suggest as an option to help all of us?

Any suggestions would be welcome

OP posts:
HillAreas · 13/04/2020 17:42

@bogoffmda

Just to help you out

but his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them a few weeks

Tbh I do think its "their" responsibility she lives with my ex as much as my partner lives with me

LittleMcJiggle · 13/04/2020 18:53

BogOff, it's obvious from OPs posts that she is referring to the fact that the partner has been furloughed and so is around to look after the kids, she even goes on to say that she thinks it is their responsibility.

People are just pointing out that it is the fathers responsibility and no one else's here. I've seen too many threads recently where SMs are being taken advantage of in terms of childcare. And the most infuriating part is they are probably the same SMs who've been told they are nothing to do with their DSC, told to back off, too involved etc etc before we had a pandemic and they were needed for free CC.

OPs ex is the parent, he should be looking after his kids. I have every sympathy for OP that he isn't.

noyoucannotcomein · 13/04/2020 19:16

Let's not forget:

Its just hard when we're struggling trying to work and manage childcare and they are not doing anything theyre end to help

No one has said he shouldn't parent his kids, but he's been shit at it up until now, so no point expecting otherwise. It's clear that OP expects his partner to step up instead, as she's furloughed. That's what's unreasonable.

And I'm not a SM. I'm an RP with expectations of my ex, not his wife.

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2020 19:19

You stupidly made a comment that his partner had been furloughed and the SMs on here have jumped on those few words.

I read it as you wanted him to have his DCS - you made no mention of his partner looking after them or being an SM.

Then why mention it? Clearly the fact that his partner is currently off work is an important factor to the op or she wouldn’t have mentioned it. She’s said “they” and “them” a lot, so it’s pretty obvious this isn’t just about her ex and she wants them both to chip in.

Annaminna · 13/04/2020 19:24

Its not his OH job to look after your kids.
If it will be different you would be very angry, why she is trying to play mum. But as a free childcare she seems to have obligations to "play mum".
You can not have both- make her "stay in her place" and be ready for your service when you need a free childcare.

funinthesun19 · 13/04/2020 19:43

Some exes do want it both ways when it suits.

When I was with my ex I used to look after his child a lot. His ex messaged him one day to see if she could have their child on one of his days as she wanted to take them out for the day. The child was supposed to be with me as he was at work, so he said he’d check to see if I had any plans. She came out with some snippy comment: “Yeah you ask the boss”. Hmm That comment just showed me you truly cannot win as a stepparent.

The point to this story is that one minute she was all “Ohhh your partner should look after the dc when you’re working. The dc should be included in you partner’s life etc...” and then the next minute she’s saying shit like the above. All because my ex thought to check if I’d made plans with the kids because it was the half term and the ex didn’t like the thought of him having to ask me.

littleduckeggblue · 13/04/2020 19:57

Is their DD working from home?

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 14/04/2020 11:17

Thankyou for all your responses

I am not expecting at all for my ex's partner to watch my kids, I havent asked even though he said she was furlonged and available...like why say that to me anyway if you didnt want to have kids regardless?
I asked him and he refused

They are both and I say they as (my ex and his partner) to have the kids only on their terms and ever on their terms, she's happy to offer to have them when her son "needs" and i use need as the word she used someone to play with or my eldest to look after their daughter...very happy then to offer
But when I actually need some support, neither of them are willing.

I havent spoke to him since he said he couldnt see them for the forseeable future and normally she texts to see how they are, I havent heard anything since 8th March
My kids have asked if theyve done anything wrong, whilst they understand the virus and not going anywhere they dont understand why they havent been in touch.

Were very happy to have them at home and they are happy to be at home its hard when were both working though and I cant give them the time they need with home schooling

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 14/04/2020 11:19

plus the time theyre missing with their dad and now the no contact..

OP posts:
Annaminna · 14/04/2020 11:43

you wrote:
They are both and I say they as (my ex and his partner) to have the kids only on their terms and ever on their terms.
Of course on their terms, its their home. Why you are upset that you can not make rules to them in their home?
and yes, his children. but still his home. You would not let them to tell you that next week you have to have your children because they are tired of dealing with them. You would flip big time.
But here you are, complaining that THEY don't do that for you.

If you need a break then talk to them without emotional way just practical. Ask for help and accept that help will be provided in their terms.

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 14/04/2020 12:15

I'm sorry but why can he decide when he has his kids and that be ok?
He only asks to see them when they want to and I let them because the kids want to see him yet when i need support nothing..
This isnt about a weekend its about him stepping up and watching his kids during a virus whilst the kids are off school for months on end..

I have asked for help which I shouldnt be doing...they are his kids..
and they havent offered it
Its my home too why is it down to just us to have the kids for what could be 6 months

OP posts:
LittleMcJiggle · 14/04/2020 12:23

It shouldn't be down to you OP. I agree with you. Your ex should be stepping up to care for his children.

You can't force him though unfortunately, it's a problem a lot of RPs face (unfairly!). You certainly shouldn't be expecting his partner to do so though. It's not up to her to offer to help you, although that would be nice, it can't be expected. It's down to him and him alone.

Notcrackersyet · 14/04/2020 12:40

He sounds crap if he hasn’t contacted them in over a month. Do you have a normal regular rhythm of when they go to their dads?

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 14/04/2020 12:44

Weve attempted regular contact, it got to a point where the rhythm was once a month for the weekend but then he used to call them in the week so that worked...

Then in January he said he had to work the weekends he was meant to have them so i was like why cant you work the weekends that you dont have them and he said his partner wanted some family time..

That frustrated me because then my kids were back to no contact
Then all this happened in March and haven't had any contact since.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 14/04/2020 12:50

The problem is you’re not going to change him, and if he’s this crap do you really want the kids going there? Surely it won’t be very nice for them.

I’d just see myself as a single parent and completely stop bothering with him. He can see them when he wants AND if the children and you want to.
Only allow him access when it’s convenient for you all too

Candyfloss99 · 14/04/2020 13:34

I can't understand why you want the kids to go there if he is so unbothered about them? But then you sound like you just want rid of them too.

noyoucannotcomein · 14/04/2020 13:44

My kids wouldn't be going there unless he expressly asked. He clearly doesn't care about seeing them. Why even attempt to force it? It won't be doing your kids any good. Keep them with you. That's the best help you can give them.

littleduckeggblue · 14/04/2020 13:52

Is the kids Dad working from home OP?

Notcrackersyet · 14/04/2020 14:03

I understand why you want him to be in their lives (as who wants their kids to feel abandoned by their dad) and you are completely fair to expect him to share the parenting load. But he’s crap. Poor kids. 💐

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 14/04/2020 14:05

@Candyfloss99
I dont want rid of them I just need a break, were both trying to work at home and the kids are around all day I know everyones in the same boat but I kind of expect their father to help out
@littleduckeggblue he works so many days on and then off he also has hoildays free which he says hes saving.

OP posts:
littleduckeggblue · 14/04/2020 14:14

So if he is still going out to work he must be a key worker? A lot of key workers are not allowed to take annual leave right now. Also maybe he is thinking about the children's health if he is going out to work.

MeridianB · 14/04/2020 15:20

His decision to stop seeing his children on his non-work weekends so he can be with his partner, would be the beginning of the end for me.

He has told you and shown you his priorities. What a shit.

Butterymuffin · 14/04/2020 15:27

Does he pay towards supporting them? Make sure he does that, and in proportion with the fact that you are now having them all the time. I would give up trying to push contact. He doesn't want it and it's shit for the kids then to go where they aren't wanted.

LittleMcJiggle · 14/04/2020 17:48

You're not wrong for wanting a break OP don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.

But I agree with PP, I'd probably stop pushing it and let him come to you. When/if he does, the children can decide if they want to see him.

He's clearly not bothered and you can't force him to be unfortunately so I'd leave it for now. Although yes, I hope he's paying maintenance.

Annaminna · 15/04/2020 11:32

I agree, its ok to want to have a break.
Now, let's read this post again: OP wants to have child free months (not a days or a week) because she is tired to have children at home. She is angry with her ex why he don't step up and don't have them alongside his full time work as a key worker, so OP who is working from home (not a key worker) can have a rest. She finds it unfair because OP knows, her ex's DP is home with her children and currently don't go to work.
She knows that her Ex and his DP have to look after kids in their house every single day. The "mean new partner" buy OP's opinion, should look after OP kids and give OP chance to have a rest and child free months. "the mean one" is looking after her children every single day and no one gives them any days (or months) off. OP still blaming them having easier life and being unfair because they don't jump in to have her children for whole months as well?