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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Kids at their dads

113 replies

Mum2Girls19 · 12/04/2020 14:20

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this..

I have 3 children with my ex partner, his relationship has always been a bit temperamental and getting him to have them without COVID was hard enough
Now I just feel that its an excuse not to have them?

I suggested they spend a month with us and then perhaps a month with them, its hard both me and my husband are working from home full time and also got the girls
He hasnt rung to see how they are or text or made any attempt to see them

Now I get that we should be walking round outside and about mixing families but his other half has been fur longed so I dont understand why the kids cant stay with them a few weeks and then with us.

I havent got an offer to furlong and so still have to work.
Plus we dont know how long this will go on for, I dont understand why its our sole responsibility to have the children
What can I suggest as an option to help all of us?

Any suggestions would be welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 15/04/2020 12:19

@annaminna

My ex should be having his kids regardless of her kids or their kids
It's not down to just me to have the kids because they are off till god knows when
It's his responsibility too

He doesn't pay maintenance we go through CMS

OP posts:
noyoucannotcomein · 15/04/2020 12:37

Yes "his". Not "theirs" as you previously insisted on. It would be great if she offered, but that's all it should be - an offer. Not your expectation.

No one is saying he shouldn't want to have them. Of course he should want time with his kids. But the fact remains that he doesn't, and you can't and shouldn't force him as the children will know they're not wanted.

And what do you go through CMS for, if not maintenance? Surely that means he pays, just not directly.

littleduckeggblue · 15/04/2020 13:35

Of course he pays maintenance! Thats was CSA is!!!

Ohffs66 · 15/04/2020 15:06

It sounds like he doesn't have them very much normally, which obviously is a shame for your children. He should of course be seeing them on his days off as a regular arrangement, but as PPs have said you can't force him, and it wouldn't be very nice for your children to be effectively forced on someone who doesn't seem to want to spend time with them.

However given that, it seems really odd to me that you now expect he and his partner to have them for weeks at a time, especially when it sounds like he is at work for a chunk of the time anyway, which would leave his partner in the position of looking after her own children plus yours, which isn't fair, and perhaps not even doable for her. The current situation with CV19 is difficult for everyone, and you repeating 'they should have them as it's not fair / it's his responsibility too' whilst in theory sounds reasonable enough, doesn't really take into account the fact that a) that has never been the arrangement in the past and b) there may be pressures in their household that you know absolutely nothing about. You wanting him to step up seems very much about you wanting a break from your kids rather than it being the right thing for their welfare.

IMO it would be very different if you'd always had 50/50 and now he was deciding for no good reason not to continue with that / your children were confused and felt rejected as a result, but it sounds like that has never been the position? You want he and his partner to do something extra that right now doesn't seem to benefit anyone but you personally (I'm saying that on the basis of what PPs have said, it doesn't sound like it's the right thing for your children to go where they are not really wanted). I'm not saying him not having them more is fair or right (if he was personally available to have them, not rely on his partner to do so), but I think under the circumstances as you've described them, you are going to have to accept that they are not going to do what you want, because it's only you that wants it!

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2020 15:15

I don’t actually think contact should go ahead at the moment anyway due to everything that is going on.

It baffles me how the governments have put social distancing rules in place, but yet allow children of separated parents to go back and forth. How many thousands of children are potentially passing it to the other household right now? Loads.

SemperIdem · 15/04/2020 15:16

I think a month on/month off is a really bizarre, unreasonable and unfair set up to want for your children.

He’s clearly an arse regardless of the current situation.

Why would you even want him to have the children for a month given his level of disinterest? How is that in their best interest?

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2020 15:16

*government

SemperIdem · 15/04/2020 15:18

@funinthesun19 I would assume that children of separated parents are being allowed contact with both their parents because the govn has acknowledged the potentially massive MH implications in changing the lives of children as they know it entirely. Particularly in under 10’s.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2020 15:19

Yeah but people are dying?

SemperIdem · 15/04/2020 15:24

How many households do you think these children are potentially infecting? They’re going between the same two houses on repeat not popping in the all the houses they pass on the way.

I would assume separated parents who are at risk, or live with at risk people, are making their decisions regarding contact based on that.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2020 15:46

How many households do you think these children are potentially infecting? They’re going between the same two houses on repeat not popping in the all the houses they pass on the way.

I know they won’t be doing that. But the adults in each household will be doing things like essential shopping or working if they’re a key worker. Then they might catch it, bring it home to the child and then the child passes it on to the other household. I’m not having that hasn’t happened. Surely it’s better to reduce that risk.
There will also be cases where household are completely ignoring the rules and doing things such as having friends round for BBQs Hmm Why should the other household have to be put at risk because the other one think the rules don’t apply to them?

I would assume separated parents who are at risk, or live with at risk people, are making their decisions regarding contact based on that

I really hope people just use their common sense and don’t just stick to contact just for the principle of it.

SemperIdem · 15/04/2020 18:58

@funinthesun19 I think in fully families which have multiple sets of children travelling between “two houses”, it does become more problematic. It’s a lot more complex than one or two siblings going back and forth between two households.

From what I have seen, as a key worker, the over 70’s are just as much a part of the problem re flouting the rules, if not more so. Far too many are simply not interested in protecting themselves.

SemperIdem · 15/04/2020 18:59

*fully blended families. Missed out a key word there!

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 15/04/2020 20:03

Its hard because hes never really been interested or invested in them...
we originally started off through the courts again something he never stuck too, then i listened to what he wanted which was every weekend until he met his new gf then he didnt want to see them..
I left it the only reason i then got in touch with him was because the kids kept asking me to contact him so I arranged contact again
Then he started seeing them every weekend which was nice, then that was too much and he started making excuses.
His gf messaged and said she wanted to have family time with him and her children...obviously meaning that she didnt want ours there...he said nothing so the every weekend stopped.

Its been like that for a few years now
We do through CMS however he still fails to pay and the CMS arent very good at getting money off absent fathers hence the reason I still arent getting anything

The only reason I try and arrange something with him now is because the kids ask all the time if and when they are seeing him..
I have attempted contact since March but no message back which sucks because they were texting and phoning the kids regularly and now nothing which confuses the kids even more.
I cant afford to go back to court either

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 15/04/2020 20:13

I text and asked if he could help...well if either of them could help because they had both text during february half term to say I could ask if we needed any further support.

Since then he rang at the beginning of march to say about how much he wanted to help and see them then nothing, every time ive called he's said that he cant help or see his children

I just wanted to have some support seeing I cant be furlonged and their dad should take some of the flack.
His gf text this morning and said she was sorry she hadnt been in touch but she had told my ex that he couldnt see his kids and he could possibly arrange contact next year
She didnt give further explanation
I phoned him and asked what she meant, I also asked why she was determining what time he spent with his kids and he just said "you know and then (her name) doesnt like your kids and their ages so she has said she doesnt want them in her house anymore which is also why i am not paying as she doesnt want her money coming to you, I dont know what else you want me do but I have get enough hassle here" and put the phone down..
I have cried a little and I know its not everything but my kids miss his sorry ass and what do I say now...

Who could not like my children

OP posts:
MeridianB · 15/04/2020 20:17

What a shit he is. And she sounds dreadful.

CMS for maintenance and protect your children from his neglect as much as you can.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2020 20:22

Every weekend is not commonly regarded as a very good set up. Chances are there was a discussion between them that included her saying she needed some down time with just her kids, which personally I do think is fair enough. As far as I can see you haven't really outlined their family set up, is it the case that they both have children, but not together?

In any case, he seems to have chosen to just give up on seeing them after she put that stipulation in, which is on him. Did anyone suggest EOW? That seems like the logical arrangement.

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 15/04/2020 20:39

@aSofaNearYou

I've tried every set up available to man...that i am sick of it..
every weekend
every other weekend
every other sunday
every other saturday
1 weekend a month
no weekends

She has 1 son from another relationship and my ex and her have a daughter together who is 3
I dont know what else to do to make it agreeable
She doesnt like my kids being there...shes said that on numerous occasions and on several occasions only asked my 11 yr old to go for her to babysit the 3 year old....which ended up in a huge row because i refused and said our 11 yr old was way to young for that responsibility.
My 11 and 9 yr old says she shouts all the time when they are there and often leave them with the 3 yr old

I want my kids to see their dad but at what cost?
He doesnt even want to try

Whats EOW?
Im just past all hope especially now...

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2020 21:10

EOW is every other weekend, but I can see you have explained that.

I can see how tiresome it must be, but at the end of the day it's him being a shit for not balancing his commitments and seeing them. Every weekend or a whole month doesn't sound like it would work for their households but there are many other ways it could be arranged, he's choosing not to, which is awful.

I agree with PPs you are best off giving up on him though, from how you just described it it sounds like a month there would be awful for your kids.

Pippp · 16/04/2020 07:48

OP no one is going to disagree that your ex is a shit dad. He should be having his kids more absolutely.

But honestly I'd give up now. I wouldn't force the issue any longer. How horrible for your children to have to go somewhere they are so very clearly unwanted. You say you can't afford to go back to court but they wouldn't force him to see them anyway, he can't be forced to see his children. He can and should be made to pay (although I appreciate this doesn't always happen) and that's the thing I'd continue to pursue but not contact, he doesn't want it.

I think you need to accept that now as rubbish as it is and just get on with carrying on the stable, loving home your kids have with you and leave their father to it.

When he gets back in touch wanting more contact, you leave that decision to the children.

Spidey66 · 16/04/2020 07:59

Small point...the word is furlough/furloughed . A furlong is a unit of measure, often used in horse racing.

Annaminna · 16/04/2020 09:42

I believe you are dishonest here:
your words yesterday:
"not paying as she doesnt want her money coming to you"
but Sunday before you wrote:
"he says he cant have them as he is still working"
What is true then? He is working and he is paying,
or
\he doesnt work, doesnt have kids and she is paying to you and she is the one who has been babysitting for you previously?

Original poster
Mum2Girls19 · 16/04/2020 16:07

Not dishonest

She doesnt want to pay as she believes all their money is for them and she doesnt want him paying for my kids she states
Shes never babysat as you say my kids..

Hes never paid as I said I've been through CMS and they cannot make him pay
He is working but that's a shit excuse because so am I

And what right does she have to tell him he cant see or pay for his kids

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 16/04/2020 16:22

She doesnt want to pay as she believes all their money is for them and she doesnt want him paying for my kids she states

Has she actually said that or are you just putting words in her mouth?
He has to pay something (cms amount), but only from the money that he brings in.

Shes never babysat as you say my kids..

She doesn’t have to.

Frankola · 16/04/2020 19:13

Woah. Stop right there OP.

It is not your ex's partners responsibility in any single way.

It is your's and exs responsibility.

The fact that you expect your partner to do stuff is your business. But your exs partner had no part in creating your children and she has no responsibility for them,more than any other child she might encounter that didnt come from her uterus...