Gift giving - am I being unreasonable?

[2kids1me]

Hey everyone,
Just wanting some non biased opinion.
We are a blended family of my 2 children and my husbands child.
When ever a scenario occurs such as Christmas and Easter as we both pay for our own children his son gets lavished with gifts whilst my 2 get what I can afford.
At Xmas I was asked for a Nintendo switch which I just couldn’t afford. My son was heartbroken when he realised my husband bought his son one knowing my situation. His son also didn’t actually ask for this.
I’m still annoyed but life goes on. My husband said I was being unreasonable for being annoyed.
Anyway fast forward - given the current crisis I have bought all 3 1 extra large egg and suggested we give them each £10 to put away for spending money on a day out (once we can!)
He said he doesn’t know how much his son will be given yet!
Once again I am sure I will be made to look the bad guy.
Am I being unjust here or should all 3 get the same?
I know it’s a split family but being married and together this long should surely count for something on them all being the same?

I appreciate all comments.
Together 3 years, my kids are 13 & 6, his is 8.
I have been considering my marriage since Christmas
Husband pointed out I couldn’t afford the switch (well I could have but no other gifts or games for it!)
Our bills are split down the middle but I end up footing more of the food bill given more mouths on my side to feed.
His son comes every weekend and in the holidays
I paid for his sons egg and buy him gifts at Christmas/birthday too as my husband labels things from him

Yes I am aware my kids will hate me and I am trying to find a way to amicably split so those same 2 little people don’t end up on their asses with me! It’s very easy to look at this and type what you think as I do too, but the reality is much harder!

Your right we aren’t a blended family, it’s me and my kid’s vs him and his son and I think once restrictions in the outside world are over I shall be making more effort to put an end to The madness in the way of things come together or we go our separate ways

I find it a very odd set up, surely you treat all kids the same. Your right it is you and yours and him and his and I think that's a very sad blended family.
I think it's worth a conversation between you and if he's not willing to change I suppose you have to think about is this the family set up you want your children to experience. X

Does your husband buy any gifts for your kids at all?
That’s so sad if you are spending money out of your smaller budget on your DSS while DH doesn’t bother his arse with your two at all

Your dh is a twat.
Please Ltb at the very first opportunity..

What is Lbt?
And I know it’s not right, I just wanted to check it wasn’t me as he told me I was being unreasonable about the Nintendo switch. I get it - his son shouldn’t miss out on things but A he didn’t ask for one and B they won’t even let him have a turn and play it together without his inclusion.
I do not treat his son any different
No my husband doesn’t buy them presents or chip in financially

In fact I was told it my own fault financially for having children with someone else who doesn’t care for them

Do you know what as I type I realise how bad this is and I am more annoyed now than before!
It is made worse by the fact we are stuck inside right now and I cannot even make a start on fixing this because if this goes wrong I will be stuck in this house in a mass arguement!!

I still don't understand why the Switch wasn't a shared thing? An 8 year should be perfectly capable of sharing with yours, especially the 6 year old.

Is it in the 8 year olds bedroom or the living room?

Any game consoles we have in this house are shared. The only thing they have which are their own in terms of technology are laptops.

Is your DH not even expecting his son to let yours have a go? He sounds like a right prick OP sorry.

Ltb. Leave the bastard.
Do not allow yjru dc to be raised with a man who doesn't rate them the same as his own dc.. He is imo abusing them.
I was with a man who resented my dc eventually..
I filed for divorce the day I threw him out.
Your dc deserve more..
It's your responsibility to make them feel 100 %worthy..

Oooh! Nothing like a lightbulb moment in lockdown! You can cheer yourself up by planning your escape!

Best of luck, he sounds like a dick

I think the Switch thing is ridiculous - isn't it lavish to buy a switch for just one person knowing the whole household would benefit from it and somebody else in the house would actively enjoy it? My SS was very keen to get one, so we got one for the whole family.

Fucking hell. He’s a twat.

Glad you’ve had your lightbulb moment.

Just keep in mind this could go on for months and months. Are you just going to pretend everything if fine for that whole time?

My husband had two teens and we had two kids together. The children got age appropriate gifts and as they were aged differently it wasn't a matter of the same things. But in your case all kids should get the same. Either you are a family or you aren't.
Does their biological father give them gifts? Can you not liaise with him? Surely their own father should step up regardless?

Nope that is awful. Both em and my husband have a child together and both have children from previous.
The older ones get half of what we give our joint child as they get from other parent as well as us.
They all get the same except our joint child who gets from us.
Your partner is being unreasonable. The should get the same.

I've just read you update op. Do you realise how wrong this is. Your 6 year old can't have a go on the switch. Wtf.

I think think this is a power play by your dh.him showing he can be an absolute prick to you and your children and you do nothing about it.

Is your ds even allowed a turn when his son isn't there?

Think of dynamic as the children grow up. The hatred between his son and yours will be awful. The haves and the have-nots.

You need to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

Trying to reply to all things
No he cannot have a turn even when his son isn’t here, he said he would break it.. and it isn’t his to allow my child on.
I suggested I bought a spare remote but that wasn’t an option, his son & mine share a room so it’s in my bedroom!
I honestly thought he would allow him a turn and my son asked once if he could play and was outright told he couldn’t
I make my son share all his stuff as I wouldn’t want him to be the same. In fairness I reckon his son would share - it’s not his fault for all this

And I never expected his son to be done out of gifts. I appreciate we had lives before each other, I just think if one of our kids asked for something it could have been joint to make life fair.
I wouldn’t throw things in his sons face or make him feel bad.
But I’m also not a selfish prick!

It doesn't sound like their are any good points in your marriage.

At the very least, he should be telling his son to let yours play together on it. Sharing your things is what we teach our children to do.

I'm curious as to what it is about him that you saw as worth marrying. I know I've said his child shouldn't miss out because you can't afford the same type of gifts, but if he had kindness or common sense he would deal with this differently.

Did he ever treat your DC nicely? Does he even like and get on with them?
Did you know him long before marriage?

That doesn't necessarily mean, buying lesser gifts, but just being sensitive and mindful of your children too.

It comes across in your last post that he sees you as a poor decision maker, based on the father of your kids. Maybe he's right, because he's not great himself is he. The fact that he said that to you shows exactly how he feels about you and your DC.

Also splitting the bills down the middle isn't fair when he earns so much more.

Use the lockdown time to work out your exit strategy.

Ffs op. You need to give your head a wobble. I’ve read your posts about you bitching about him before you even moved in together, about how he wanted to split the bills was going to leave you and your children financially worse off. More bitching when you moved in about what an inconsiderate piece of shit he was. More bitching when you got engaged. And now you’re married and you’re still bitching about the same stuff. Every step of the way people were saying don’t move in, don’t get married etc etc. This isn’t a ‘lightbulb moment’. He’s been exactly the same the entire time and you knew what he was like. I don’t know what else you want us to tell you?

No he cannot have a turn even when his son isn’t here

That's disgusting.

Surely it's a lesson all children need to learn, to share?

He's treating your son appallingly. The poor lad has to sit in his bedroom and watch his step sibling play on a games console he wanted and he's not even allowed a turn? Don't let your child be treated like this anymore.

You're kidding yourself if you think you've successfully blended this family. This is not how good blended families treat each other.

He’s vile. I would seriously think about options to split now!

The more I read of this, the more i can't imagine living with a man like this.

It would break my heart alone not to be able to give my 6yo what he desperately wanted for for Xmas (within reason!)

To have to then witness as PP says, my son watching his stepbrother play with that very toy and be denied all access to it by someone who claims to love us? That's beyond my imagination.

Your husband is a cruel bully. And you have enabled him to reach this point.

Step up before your son is damaged any further.

Having read what a poster said upthread, I looked at your previous threads.

Living with him was as always going to put you at a financial disadvantage, but you proceeded regardless.

Love isn't worth reducing your children's lifestyle, unless they are at risk. Yours were not.

I'm astounded that you proceeded and now found yourself where you were always going to be, based on his personality.

You said all these things.

This was when he was asking to move in with him 3 years ago.

My partner has been asking for awhile for me and my kids to move in with him.
Whilst I really want to, I can’t physically afford to!

Now obviously the rent and bills for the house would be halved but this isn’t working out in my calculations and I will be overstretched.

Nothing will change for him financially - he already pays everything and will have half of some of those bills making him better off.

This was mother's day 2 years ago.

I did cook dinner whilst he laid in bed! He then proceeded to head back to bed! No bloody thankyou nor even a hand cleaning up!

Then in February 2020

All i listen to daily is how he wants x, y & z to change. One of those being me another my children, we are all wrong. All the time..

So based on all this, why are you surprised? You really don't have the best judgement of character....even when it's clear to see.

Is it due to low self esteem? Because you're quite young and have many years ahead of you to not settle for this kind of relationship.

It just sounds like you are the only one who has lost out in this marriage.

I always vowed never to marry anyone who worsened my financial situation. Love doesn't put bread on the table.

Oh FFS!

Your poor kids.
You are well on the way to making sure they are fucked up for life

@2kids1me.... If your children end up hating you, it won't be because of unequal presents. It would be due to the fact that you married this man even though it was clearly not in their best interest.

It seems that you were well aware of this and were warned. And yet you went ahead regardless? Why? You now say you are planning to end it once the current crisis is over. But will you? Where do the interests of your children fit into your decision making process?

Better late than never but are you going to do the right thing by your children - who only have you to fight their corner - and ditch this arsehole or are you here for a whinge?

Op, This might only get worse. If he can't show kindness to your children then he is unlikely to be a positive influence for them, which is important as they hit teen years.

How is his relationship with them generally? His attitude to presents is unpleasant but it seems to be part of a wider pattern of disregard for you and your children. Are you treated fairly financially? Has your life improved since marrying him?