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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Gift giving - am I being unreasonable?

79 replies

2kids1me · 09/04/2020 08:45

Hey everyone,
Just wanting some non biased opinion.
We are a blended family of my 2 children and my husbands child.
When ever a scenario occurs such as Christmas and Easter as we both pay for our own children his son gets lavished with gifts whilst my 2 get what I can afford.
At Xmas I was asked for a Nintendo switch which I just couldn’t afford. My son was heartbroken when he realised my husband bought his son one knowing my situation. His son also didn’t actually ask for this.
I’m still annoyed but life goes on. My husband said I was being unreasonable for being annoyed.
Anyway fast forward - given the current crisis I have bought all 3 1 extra large egg and suggested we give them each £10 to put away for spending money on a day out (once we can!)
He said he doesn’t know how much his son will be given yet!
Once again I am sure I will be made to look the bad guy.
Am I being unjust here or should all 3 get the same?
I know it’s a split family but being married and together this long should surely count for something on them all being the same?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Nonstopmum9 · 09/04/2020 08:50

Do you live together? How do you split bills? How long have you been together? I have three nieces, two are my brothers children and one is his step daughter. We get them all the same. We accept that they are all family now and want to solidify that by treating them all the same for birthdays and Christmas. It's the closest point of reference i have.

FthisS · 09/04/2020 08:51

No advice sorry as I'm not a step parent, but fuck what he did at christmas was bloody awful.

VaggieMight · 09/04/2020 08:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Blankscreen · 09/04/2020 09:03

I'm a step mum and I think what you dh did at Christmas to your son was awful and cruel

Your children will grow up to feel like second class citizens. I can't believe he can see you struggling and won't help you a bit.

I realise it's hard with split families to treat them all the same but the Christmas incident would really make me reassess the relationship.

How will this play out long term when they are teenagers. His son get a mobile your children don't?
His son gets nice trainers your children don't?

Also it's one thing when they are adults one getting a lot more than the other such as inheritance, they're old enough to understand but treating children like this is shocking.

Blankscreen · 09/04/2020 09:06

Sorry just read you op again that your son was heartbroken and his son didn't even ask for a.switch sounds like your dh did it to be deliberately nasty to your DS. Seems like a red flag to me.

Your dh is a c*

paininthepoinsettia · 09/04/2020 09:07

This really isn't a blended family at all; it's just two families living in parallel. OP you really need to consider the impact on your children, they are really going to resent YOU in the future.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2020 09:18

Actually if your agreement has always been you buy your own children gifts, then he's not done anything wrong.

You want his child to miss out on expensive gifts because you can't afford to buy them for your children. How is that fair to his son? Think about it from his POV?

Or imagine if you were the Ex wife and your Ex Husband says he won't buy certain gifts for your child, because his wife can't afford them for her children and he doesn't want to upset them. It would be him putting your children's feelings above his own child's feelings.

I totally understand how your children would be upset, but you also need to recognize the feelings of others involved.

I'm not sure how old the kids all are, but they will want things like expensive tech at a certain age.

If it was menus look at a way to buy in a more affordable manner. Such as spreading the payments over a period of time. You can do that with mail order catalogues.

Do your children not have their father in their lives?

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/04/2020 09:24

I would also say you are not a blended family. If you were blended, you (plural) would be viewing all the children as your (plural) children and not my children versus his child. You would pool your resources and treat all children equally.
The agreement that you each buy gifts for your bio children was a bad agreement to make. I know it was probably from a place of wanting to be self sufficient and independent from your DH. But when you blend a family, you have to also blend your finances and resources and treat all children equally.
I’d sit down and have a discussion about that agreement and how it is having bad consequences on the children- depriving your two and spoiling his one.

RandomMoth · 09/04/2020 09:26

I'm the higher earner in our blended family by quite some way, I spend the same amount on gifts for all the children. Your DH is not being fair and for me, personally, this would be a deal breaker.

Sandy, his DS didnt want a switch. He could clearly spend less on his DS and contribute more to the other children without anyones feelings being hurt so your comments aren't relevant.

Jacalouse · 09/04/2020 09:26

Husband and I also had 3 between us although his 2 lived between us and their mum. At our home they were all made exactly the same as we weren't well off at all and whatever they were given from other parents was up to them. They are now all late 20s and still get made the same and have a great relationship.

Spied · 09/04/2020 09:32

The Switch would have done it for me.

The pig.

Herpesfreesince03 · 09/04/2020 09:32

It actually sounds to me like he’s doing this on purpose? The Xmas thing was a fucking disgusting thing to do. And why can’t he just decide what his dc is getting for Easter so you can make sure they all get something similar. Is he waiting for you to see what you can give yours so he can give his more? He doesn’t give a fuck about your children from the sounds of things, and this definitely isn’t a ‘blended family’. It sounds like you and your children vrs him and his

HillAreas · 09/04/2020 09:46

So many unknowns so it’s hard to judge. How old are the kids? Is your home the primary residence for all three? How do you split the overall running costs of the household? What doe the other parents contribute?
For all we know, your DH could argue that your children are subsided by him paying 50% of the bills even though he only has one depended there EOW, and anyway your kids get loads from their dad while his get nothing from their mum. We just don’t know from your OP.

aSofaNearYou · 09/04/2020 09:49

I'm usually very much on the side of you can't always treat the kids exactly the same in a blended family as they have different family members and that's ok. But in this case I actually agree that your husband is being really unkind. It's ok for them to get different things, but very unkind to knowingly get them something really similar but better (like an egg and cash, but more cash for his son) or something for one of them that the other one really wanted and they were'nt bothered about (the Switch). If he wants to get his son more than you can afford to get yours, the kinder thing to do would be to get him something completely different and not obviously comparable.

I would ask him not to latch on to your idea for Easter if he's just going to take it but give his son more.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 09/04/2020 09:57

That’s an awful situation for your dc as they see your DH’s son being given so much more. Unfortunately though, as a pp said, they will hold you accountable for the unfairness when they’re older. The Nintendo switch thing was an awful thing to do imo. Did he know you weren’t able to afford one for your son? It sounds as if he really doesn’t care about your children and their feelings. I do understand that he wants to give his child what he can, but if he’s getting expensive presents from his mum as well, he should be a bit more sensitive. It’s a difficult one. A friend of ours was in a similar situation and he got round it by talking to his ex and making big presents joint from them (even though he paid a bigger percentage). Luckily, he gets on well with his ex and she understood his reasoning behind it and supported it as it meant their daughters weren’t losing out as such. I think it depends on how important it is for your dp for his son to know the gifts are from him, as his main concern should be his son being happy about a gift, regardless of who it’s from.

LovingLola · 09/04/2020 09:59

How long are you together?
How old are the children?

saraclara · 09/04/2020 10:00

Do you all live together? Because if you do it's astonishing not to have the children treated equally.

LittleMcJiggle · 09/04/2020 10:18

I think that's really cruel. In our house the children get the same spent on them at Christmas no matter who's they are. It's one pot.

I, like ASofa, do believe that children can't always be treated exactly the same all of the time however, when it comes to gifts I don't think there's any reason why they can't be.

I personally couldn't sit there and watch my child open a present that I knew the other had asked for but hadn't got. How cruel!

I don't understand why the Switch wasn't a joint present anyway? 'This one is for you all to share' kind of thing? When we got ours an Xbox, we didn't get them one each, it was to share.

How old are the children?

Sandy, what he buys and how much he spends on his children at Christmas is nothing to do with his ex-wife.

Pentium85 · 09/04/2020 10:28

Jesus what a knob.

I hope you leave him and find someone who understands what a true blended family is.

noyoucannotcomein · 09/04/2020 10:29

Why on Earth did you marry this man?

You've posted numerous times about his attitude towards your kids, including pre-marriage.

Get your kids out of this situation ASAP. He's bloody awful and he clearly doesn't like them (or you, according to your previous posts).

Get the divorce done.

HugoSpritz · 09/04/2020 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2020 10:33

Sandy, his DS didnt want a switch. He could clearly spend less on his DS and contribute more to the other children without anyones feelings being hurt so your comments aren't relevant.

My comments are not irrelevant.

There's a difference between not asking for something and not wanting it. I'm sure his son was quite happy to receive the switch.

I've bought my DC gifts they didn't ask for in the past (when younger), but they were delighted to receive them.

This is the problem with wide income gaps and stepchildren, when the money isn't actually altogether joint.

The fact is you need your husband's money to be able to afford better gifts for your children.

The situation isn't good for your DC and in the long term will affect them, making them feel like the poor kids. I know this happened to someone who went to state school while the step siblings went to private school. Always off on school trips abroad.

All I'm saying is there are different points of view and I'm being objective. I can see how each party feels in this situation. I also know that some seperated dads like to lavish their DC and think this shows how much they love them. It doesn't in the long run.

Inforthelonghaul · 09/04/2020 10:35

You’re not a blended family OP. If you were you would be treating all 3 in exactly the same way. You can’t control how other members of their families behave but you can totally control what happens in your household and it should be 100% equal.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2020 10:41

Sandy, what he buys and how much he spends on his children at Christmas is nothing to do with his ex-wife.

Maybe not...but if he used to buy good gifts before his second marriage and suddenly the standard plummets, the Ex may well be concerned about their child's interpretation of it.

Just imagine you're the child who usually gets lavished, then dad remarried and that changes..the child will associate this with the new wife and stepkids...in a negative way.

They will be the reason he/she no longer gets those gifts. The child isn't going to think dad now has a bigger mortgage or higher bills...because children dont think like that.

I personally think that if getting remarried will alter your existing child's standard of living in any way, you shouldn't do it. It will just lead to resentment on many sides.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2020 11:21

TYPO

If getting remarried will LOWER your existing child's standard of living in any way

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