Are you still keeping normal contact with DSC?

[Sunshinedelight1287]

DH ex has decided she doesn't want DSC to come to ours for normal contact due to risks of the virus.

No one has any symptoms in either households.

Kids pick up from parents how we respond to this virus and now she's instilled fear about travelling between households. It's so difficult.

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

@HillAreas @aSofaNearYou in my opinion we should be on the same page or find a compromise that works for all parties! Instead I'm now the bad guy for being anxious and worrying about anyone carrying the virus. And when I'm double checking the girls have washed their hands and not just used alcohol gel he's allowing them to be cheeky to me! I think this is absolute craziness. I can be the only step mum stuck between a rock and a hard place

@ang87 no I don't think you are the only one in this position. I've seen about 10 different threads so far wondering what to do about seeing step kids on here, interestingly the ones in the step parenting section seem to be full of people that don't see a problem with it, whereas the ones in more general settings (and comments on other sites from the general public) seem to be a lot more along the lines of it's dangerous and defeating the object of lockdown. That's the side I fall on, especially if the kids have been out mixing with others.

As you say, he could have at least offered a compromise, such as waiting a couple of weeks after lockdown measures, when the children (I sincerely hope) wouldn't have been out mixing with others and will have had long enough to show they don't have symptoms. A lot of the infection will come from this last couple of weeks where people have still been freely roaming around, unaware they are incubating.

A compromise would perhaps look like the kids moving between houses but staying for two weeks at a time. Bobbing in and about is technically allowed by the government guidelines but is it necessary or sensible given that it flies in the face of advice on literally every other circumstance of family members wanting to see each other?

We are 50/50. Both houses self isolating totally. Still swopping to usual timetable.

@asofanearyou I don't want anyone to catch anything, however both step daughters are here against my wishes, and one is being sick and the other (younger one of 6) had accident! And needed showering. Both have obviously not been 100% so on top of worrying about corona, I'm now worried that whatever bug they have will be passed on to the boys! And I'm just fed up of constantly having viruses and bugs brought from their mums to ours. The youngest son was prem and is 18 months, and gets poorly easily!
I think a healthy dose of reality is needed and lots of gin 💔

I'm terrified of seeing people at the moment, my home is my safe place I don't want it invading by kids

@ang87

I would leave your partner to look after his DDs and provide everything they need during their stay...you need to keep your boys as far away as possible from them.

Having said that...the fact that he's letting them be cheeky to you over a serious matter like this ..so in all honesty, that would really be what makes me consider the future of your relationship.

His attitude isn't good at all.

Sort of normal contact for us... slightly rejigged to allow everyone to work (one key worker in each house and one person working from home). We're splitting the home Ed between us and having one 'weekend day' each for the kids to chill as normal even if that day might be mid week. We're 50/50 and pretty flexible, we live in walking distance and are lucky to be able to move work shifts when required.

Im confused with the advice being given. Couples that dont live together are being told to move in together or stay apart until this is over. Why is this different that children moving between homes?

I have a blended family with my partner, we spend our time between two homes with different kids are various points. All of them sometimes.

We are staying in a own home with our own kids kill this is over. My kids will not be going to their dads on his agreement. I have medics in the family currently dealing with this is London and they have advised us to do it this way.

www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/

No one wants to make the tough decisions. But every potential contact with other people could be spreading the virus. If you don’t have symptoms you can still spread it unknowingly - which is the whole reason it is so dangerous.

In my view, you choose the household where it is safest and where the risk is minimised. Both for the children and the adults. If a single parent gets sick with a young child, that’s a big issue.

The introduction of social distancing has come too late. And it seems that most people just don’t get it. Supermarkets are rammed, people just going out in droves to beauty spots over the weekend.

Don’t wait for the Government to tell you what to do. We are all being asked to make sacrifices to slow the spread of the virus before doctors are having to make the choice of who lives and who dies. It’s that simple.

Children will survive not seeing the other parent for a couple of months if you maintain contact via video calls.

Well said @Totalbollox 👏

So many people here are not thinking about the children. If the risk is low (parents working from home) i see no issue. If key workers kids can go to a school with other children and we are fine with that for the greater good how the hell is going in a car for 5 minutes that much of a risk? I know SD when having her few days here will get vegetables, be able to leave the house (her mum wants her inside at all times) will have independence and be happy. People need to realise RP is not always the best place for a child. I am not responding further to any more of this as people are so blinkered it is unreal. It is very situational. If we lived an hour away it would be different. If someone was vulnerable it would be different. If RP would be fair with contact we could split it better as in 2 weeks at either house but some RP are just controlling d&*kheads who are too scared for their children to be able to survive and be happy without them that they become horrid controlling people.

@Maxhiggins do you really see your step children as invading kids? That's very sad. Does your partner know how little regard you have for them. Being anxious is understandable but speaking that way about your step children is pretty nasty.

Children may have a right to see both parents but their right to life is more important

Its an unprecedented time. They should not be shuttled back and forth and risk exposure simply to satisfy contact. Jesus where are peoples priorities???

Advice please. OH has an autoimmune disease but is classed as a key worker. He has not had advice from NHS about self isolating but took last week off work as unpaid leave to try and get his round what he should do (also has anxiety issues). I was sent home on Monday with a work laptop to work from home. I have a 72 year old father down the road who has been self isolating for over a week. DS13 hasn't seen his dad for about 2 weeks as his little brother was poorly so they have been self isolating. OH has not seen his 12 year old daughter for about 2 weeks, she is at home with her mum and older sister. Her mum is also a key worker.
Now she has started to have a go at my OH for not having his daughter, presumably she has been working. She also has parents who will be self isolating, normally relies on them for some childcare.
While I appreciate it won't be easy for her, am I wrong to think DSD shouldn't be coming to our house, at least not for a good while longer? I know rules say kids can move from one parents house to another, but given that mum works in a care home and dad has health issues, she should be staying in the one house, surely?

@lotusbell I think there are definitely two schools of thought on this and lots of people think that because the government has said it's ok for kids to move between households, that this applies across the board. I would argue that it depends on the circumstances. If everyone in both households is isolating and not coming into contact with others, and there are no underlying health issues, fine. If this is not the case then an element of judgement needs to be used.

Personally I believe that the less children move between households, the safer it is for all. Our kids are staying with their resident parents for the 12 week period that my husband has been told to shield.

Totally agree, I think because she's been working, she is more likely to be coming into contact with carriers and therefore could be bringing it home. DSD also has mild asthma so probably at risk herself. Likewise, we could be carriers, and DSD visiting us could pick it up from us and take back home to mum etc. I really do think it's best for everyone to stay in their own homes as long as possible but I know how hard it is. My son is in regular phone contact with dad, stepmom and little brother who is now feeling much better. They think he has had it too.

The self righteousness on this thread, in fact on Mumsnet in general atm, is very frustrating.
What are you supposed to do when parents have 50/50 care and are both key workers?

I’m not sending my children to school as I want to keep them as safe a possible but we have to work and they need looking after by someone!?! So they move between houses and both parents try to practise social distancing as best as possible at work.

What’s the answer? One of us gives up our job to have the children 100% of the time? For how long? 3 months? 6 months?

My line of work is necessary to keep people healthy. It’s my duty to keep going to work.

Shall I farm my kids out the a distant relative in the country, like in the war?

I think that if there's any risk to the child, or someone around them then contact really should not be taking place. I know that sounds mean on the NRP and the child, but health has to come first.

My DS went to his Dads this weekend - I wasn't happy as both DS and I are asthmatics. I told Ex I wasn't happy yet he ignored me and picked DS up regardless ( he's 16 so I don't really get involved with handover). My plan next time is this isn't negotiable next time, I imagine the country will be in a far worse state , and I'm just not willing to risk it. I've already spoken to DS and he agrees

The self righteousness on this thread, in fact on Mumsnet in general atm, is very frustrating.
What are you supposed to do when parents have 50/50 care and are both key workers?

That's why I said it very much depends on individual circumstances. Not trying to be self-righteous at all, just trying to do what's best for our family.

I couldn’t do my job without support from their Dad. So I would have to leave my job or not see them for 3-6 months.

@Fidgetwonkam , I think in that instance then parents have to think carefully about what works for them.

Personally I'm able to be at home ( my work has all ceased) and my DH has worked from home for the last couple of weeks. My ex is still working and unable to social distance particularly well. So I feel it's safer for DS to stay with us

Willyoujustbequiet

Sometimes the contact is crucial to safeguarding the children, sometimes it's the only way keyworkers can keep working... there are lots of reasons

@Willyoujustbequiet well the government doesn’t agree with you. And until such time that guidelines say this isn’t essential, my kids will continue to see their father. The multiple handovers a week have stopped and it’s now one block of longer days.

I personally don’t think it’s essential that places like asos (And other retailers) continue to send me push messages for online shopping. Those orders require multiple humans to fulfil them at some point from point a to point b.

So until true lockdown comes. Yeah. My kids can continue to see their other parent. It’s a darn sight more ‘essential’ than people being able to buy mascara.

@sassbott

Actually the Family Court agrees with me. Look up the advice published by the the head of its judiciary, MacFarlane. This is the most recent legal guidance on contact.

It states that contact can take place but doesnt have to. It depends on the individual circumstances and if one parent believes there is a risk then it can be stopped.

Thats how it should be. Lives are more important than contact.