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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Are you still keeping normal contact with DSC?

182 replies

Sunshinedelight1287 · 20/03/2020 12:27

DH ex has decided she doesn't want DSC to come to ours for normal contact due to risks of the virus.

No one has any symptoms in either households.

Kids pick up from parents how we respond to this virus and now she's instilled fear about travelling between households. It's so difficult.

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

OP posts:
Notcrackersyet · 21/03/2020 13:01

In France where confinement is very strict one of the five legitimate reasons for outside the home is children moving between parents. It’s been stipulated that normal shared custody arrangements can continue.

floatygoat · 21/03/2020 13:36

People are shedding virus before they even get symptoms. So I don't know why "none of us have symptoms" is supposed to be a reason to have contact. My dc are not seeing my ex for the duration, they can FaceTime.

QueenofallIsee · 21/03/2020 13:44

We are a blended family, my sons are with their father at present and we have agreed 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. None of us (kids included) can fathom not seeing one another for months, 2 weeks is incubation period for virus, no key workers and limited contact outside the home for all concerned. We feel the car journey to house is reasonable to facilitate contact. My hearts hurts, I’ve not seen them for 5 days now.

DSC are here at the moment, due to go back to their Mum tomorrow, not sure how that will play out as my DH and his Ex wife have a more tricky relationship and find agreeing compromises hard

Maxhiggins · 21/03/2020 14:17

@Notcrackersyet can vs should

Notcrackersyet · 21/03/2020 16:53

Max
A ton of people are moving around to keep society operating - food distribution, council workers, police, health workers .... Allowing children access to both their parents seems a reasonable (generalised) judgement call to make.

Maxhiggins · 21/03/2020 18:16

Not to me it doesn't and many others on this thread. Judging by the number of idiots carrying on with their lives as normal we will very soon be locked down

aSofaNearYou · 21/03/2020 18:20

Exactly Max

The whole point is that we need to limit it to essential movements, if everyone made exceptions for their non essential circumstances... well, by the looks of things we're about to find out what will happen but every country that is ahead of us is screaming at us not to do it because it has led to thousands of deaths.

Notcrackersyet · 21/03/2020 18:33

Max
Sigh. I think it was a very mature decision if the French government. It would have been easy to lock kids in at the house they were in when confinement started but I suspect they realised the psychological price would have been high for many of those children. But you feel free to continue to call people idiots for daring to feel differently to you.
And perhaps you would like to share your circumstances and details of all of you and your family’s movements outside of your front door this week. So we can all learn how to master this period of restricted movement from a pro.

Notcrackersyet · 21/03/2020 18:44

I’ll help you by sharing mine first - this week I did 30 min jog or walk most days after dark when there’s the least people no-one around. I picked up something essential for my health today by car without anyone coming within 2m of me.
My partner did two trips to the shop this week to get some essentials and also did a couple of after dark runs.
He met his ex for handover.
That’s it. We are confined and proud to abide by the rules.

Dollyparton3 · 21/03/2020 18:45

We just tried to set up a family videocall, both SC responded with "we have friends over to our house so we can't join." Unreal

aSofaNearYou · 21/03/2020 18:54

It would have been easy to lock kids in at the house they were in when confinement started

You mean like everyone else has been asked to do to prevent thousands of deaths?

NorthernSpirit · 21/03/2020 19:25

The UK is under ‘ social distancing’ NOT isolation.

Social distancing aims to REDUCE the amount of close contact. Not stop all contact.

Does that mean never going out?

No.

Legal advice on child contact arrangements:

Do parents have to stick to court orders?

Court orders are meant to be stuck to, and they can be enforced if they aren’t.

If it is safe and practical to do so you should stick to them and you should expect the other parent to do so.

Business as usual here.

I’ve read some batshit things on here..... dads speaking to their kids through windows.....

aSofaNearYou · 21/03/2020 19:36

The UK also has a faster rate of infection than Italy, the worst affected country. The fact that our government (who have asked us to stay home unless it is absolutely necessary) haven't enforced anything stricter yet doesn't mean that is the wise thing to do.

I truly believe the people brushing it off now are going to be on the wrong side of history looking back, and "business as usual" will become the mantra associated with why so many avoidable deaths occurred. The phrase has already become synonymous with "I don't think this affects me despite a huge amount of evidence to the contrary, and I refuse to care that it will affect others."

NorthernSpirit · 21/03/2020 20:46

CAFCASS have issued guidelines with regards to child contact.

“ Unless there are justified medical/self-isolation issues guidance or expectation associated with leaving the house in your area – children should maintain their usual routine of spending time with each of their parents.

If there is a Child Arrangements Order in place this should be complied with unless to do so would put your child, or others at risk.

This will help your child to feel a sense of consistency, whilst also reassuring them that the parent they don't always live with is safe and healthy”.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/download/12285/

I’m not sure why do many people on this thread think they are experts in this and are going against expert guidance.

KylieKoKo · 21/03/2020 21:04

This thread has made me a bit sad. It seems like lot of step children are regarded as guests rather than as members of the household.

aSofaNearYou · 21/03/2020 22:10

I am more concerned about what the experts on the virus say (globally, not just in the UK) than what CAFCASS say, as in my opinion preventing the spread of pandemic needs to take top priority. The fact that it doesn't to so many people is terrifying.

As to step children not being considered a part of the household... put it this way, if anyone else in the family had two homes with family in both, I would be saying they should stay in the one like everybody else. It simply doesn't come up that often in any situation other than blended families. This has absolutely nothing to do with who is or who isn't family and whose home is where. We will all miss out on seeing loved ones and going to places we normally go, and if we don't make that sacrifice then more people will die. It's that simple, it's not personal at all. We all need to set aside any notion that not being allowed to go somewhere/see someone means we are not welcome there and realise it is jack shit to do with sentiment, it is about a global crisis we have a responsibility to avoid contributing to. All we have to bloody do is stay in one house unless absolutely neccesary

HillAreas · 21/03/2020 22:55

I am more concerned about what the experts on the virus say (globally, not just in the UK) than what CAFCASS say, as in my opinion preventing the spread of pandemic needs to take top priority. The fact that it doesn't to so many people is terrifying.

This this this this this.

I’m still considered “at home” in my parents house where I grew up and where I know I can get a cup of tea, a chocolate biscuit and a bed for the night any time I like. I sure as shit won’t be going there any time soon because I’d rather miss them for a little while than risk missing them for the rest of my life. End of story.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/03/2020 23:08

Absolutely agree @aSofaNearYou. This is really not about who is welcome where. Get the fuck over yourselves, grit your teeth and get on with it. The sooner we all do that, the sooner we all get to get on with our lives.

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/03/2020 01:00

The UK is under ‘ social distancing’ NOT isolation

Not all of it @NorthernSpirit - wise up !

Maxhiggins · 22/03/2020 10:13

@asofanearyou and @hillareas thank god for some sensible people

sassbott · 22/03/2020 22:54

Based on the statement in the media today from BoJo’s divorce lawyer, this is already top of mind and I imagine some guidance will be issued (per the clarity of the situation in France).

Personally? My exh is wfh as am I. Both are doing essential trips only, and if out we are practising social distancing and best hygiene as possible. He lives close to me and handovers are literally from car to door on private driveways (so no chance of infecting others).

Based on all of the above (and the fact that we are not in lockdown/ quarantine), the DC are still seeing their father. That is on the basis that if any of us (me/ exH/ DC) show any symptoms, we will all immediately self isolate - both households. And the DC will stay wherever they are and hunker down. The other parent will immediately self isolate also.

I fail to see how under the above circumstances, this is proving ‘stupid’.

Qwertygert · 23/03/2020 08:31

As long as the child can move safely i see no issue sharing. We have 2 cars in our household so SC who are locked down in one house can drive to another locked down house and have the same no risk there? We have three bedrooms and a garden. SD has a tiny flat and no ability to go outside yet her mum has said if lockdown happens she is to stay there. We will see what the goverment says but what risk is there in a 5 minute car ride when we are all following government advice? We live next to a very quiet country park too so able to get the kids out. His ex keeps her in the house with no exercise and feeding her junk whereas we insist on veggies. It is sad from where I am sitting!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/03/2020 08:34

It's not just about the whether the car ride is a risk or not. It's about who else the members of that household have been exposed to during the child's time there. I really don't understand why people aren't getting this.

My husband falls into the category who has to isolate for 12 weeks, as does his son. They will both be staying put where they are for the duration. People seem to think that making any changes to their lives doesn't apply to them.

KylieKoKo · 23/03/2020 10:20

@chocolatesaltyballs22 posters have said time and time again that all parties are working from home and following government advice.

Obviously if people are in the category that have to totally isolate for 12 weeks then it's different. But if people aren't and aren't going out then the risk is low and has to be weighed up against the potential damage that not seeing a parent for weeks on end can cause children.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/03/2020 10:24

Right, and they know that 100% do they? I know I wouldn't trust either of our exes in these kind of circumstances. But if you can 100% trust them I guess that's up to you.

Also 'following government advice' seems to mean different things to different people.